I’m a 29M, and last night I had sex with a close friend of mine (26F) who I’ve known for nearly 10 years.
We’ve always had a strong connection, great chemistry, close friendship, she’s even told me over the years that she’s wanted to be with me. Four years ago, she got married and was with her husband for 2 years before they got divorced. We didn’t talk at all during her marriage, but just a couple of weeks ago we reconnected.
In our recent convos, she opened up and said that even when she was with her ex, she used to think about me, even had dreams about me. I was surprised, truthfully, I never saw her that way before because I was usually in other relationships or just didn’t think we’d work like that. But she’s grown a lot. She’s more confident, more grounded. The thought of her and I being together just doesn’t sit well with me.
Last night, she called me while driving home and things turned flirty, fast. She said she wanted me badly and told me to come over, her apartment is 5 minutes from me. I played into it, and eventually went to her place (this was only the second time I’d ever been there, the first time we just chatted).
When I walked in, I was super nervous, my heart pounding. But she jumped on me, we kissed, and… yeah, we slept together.
Now, I feel kinda messed up about it.
The thing is, I just don’t see us in a relationship. She knows so much about me, I know her family, and I feel like I crossed a line that I can’t uncross. I don’t regret the moment entirely – but emotionally, I feel disappointed in myself. She just texted me saying she wants to meet up and talk. Of course I can’t ghost her but, I’m not sure how to handle this.
Any advice?
EDIT: I’m going to see her now.
Comments
You had sex, wait until you have your chat with her before turning it into a life changing experience.
Realize that your friendship will almost certainly never be the same again. But you just have to man up and go face her. Hear her out, there’s a good chance she’s feeling extremely conflicted right now like you are. But getting those feelings aired out is the only way to clear up that anxiety you’ve got weighing on you. When it’s your time to speak, be honest with yourself and be honest with her.
Be straight with her now its kinder tbh than to let her hope for somethin you don’t see happening.
Sorry but the fact that she knows so much about you and that you know her family is not really a good argument.
Breathe slowly and consider really the situation.
And then answer ..
So why is it contradicting being in a relationship with her, that she knows so much about you and you know her family…!?
That sound like wonderful grounds for a relationship to me!
Still don’t need to be – just wondering!
As someone already said – it’s sex. You can’t help how you feel right now but might be worth thinking through how you view sex. It’s a consensual act between two adults, if it felt good and you both enjoyed it then leave it at that if you’re not in a place that you want to date her – but don’t let it sour a relationship just cause she’s seen your peepee and you seen her tits. Realistically? This changes nothing. She’s still your friend at the end of the day. And one thing we should always do with our friends is be honest with them.
And occasionally fuck them.
Well, do you see her as potential partner or no? Her knowing too much about you is not a bad thing.
do it again and see if anything changes. Rinse repeat.
Ghost someone you have a friendship of 10 years with? Because of onetime sex?! What the hell is wrong with kids these days???
Seriously, dude, it was just sex. If you are friends and know each other that long, you should be able to talk about it, listen respectfully, exchange what’s in your head and heart and come to an agreement.
That’ll be a little awkward for some time and then you will laugh about it.
In other places, people die if hunger.
From the heart: get it together, wish you both success and all the best!
Talk first , then address the next step. No one will be more clear than her and you having a conversation
I’m mainly curious to the reasons why you don’t think yall would work. Is it just because of yall friendship?
It sounds like you guys could be a great couple, but you know best and it sounds like you’re deterring from the idea at the moment. Think through your feelings and your talk later on today. Ultimately, you’ll just have to face that the relationship is going to change in some ways.
Good luck and let us know what happens!
Welp. Update us later. Very curious how this turns out.
Just hear her out and be straight. You’ve been friends for a long time. Real friends can get through this. Maybe not totally unscathe, though. She’s an adult, she knew what she was getting into. It’s not like you went on a date, had a grest time and then fucked. She literally just booty called you. She wanted some dick and knew you’d probably be down. So most likely, she’s not actively pursuing more.
Things like this are only as big as you both make it. It might change everything and it might not change anything.
You owe her a meet up, at least. You should also probably explore where it goes. Also, probably some therapy because this is a fairly normal adult situation to be in and it shouldn’t be so heavy for you.
Bro, lean into it. A good friend as a partner? That’s great. You’ve crossed the friend line. No going back. Figure out if you want to marry here. A friend did the same thing close to 20 years ago. They are together still (married with a teen) and going great.
You’re a PoS. Accept that first. Apologize for your mistake and learn from it.
In theory, this would be a really good relationship, as it is based on a true friendship. You’re not painting a clear picture as to why you only see her as a one night stand
I would just be honest and let things play out. That’s all you can really do.
Honesty while being respectful is the best policy. Every time.
Is she ugly or something?
Just going to come out and say it: you fucked up.
You knew you didn’t see a future with her and you knew her feelings for you were far beyond friends with benefits. Now you have to break her heart, sooner rather than later. Your friendship is definitely over. You owe it to her to have a mature conversation.
Once you’ve seen someone’s butthole, it changes everything.
Just have an open conversation and work together through it. If it’s a solid friendship, it’ll work itself out. Situations like these matter less than how truly mature and responsible both people are. Your situation isn’t doomed because you slept together, but it’ll be doomed if you don’t have real and honest open lines of communication about it.
are u afraid to growup op (no pun intended)? why not get married? foreals.
If you’re not attracted to her like that, then it’s in you and her best interest to see this as you had sex, but you don’t have to commit to a full blown romantic relationship if you’re not feeling it. In fact you absolutely shouldn’t unless that’s what you want.
OP, I think you may be being too hard on yourself. With things going down as you say, there is little room for any guilt being thrown your way that you were manipulative or took advantage of her. On her end, I think that a reality check, post fuck clarity may make herr realize that she pushed too hard, perrhaps years of curiosity have quenched, or that she may have screwed up the relationship.
I think that apporaching it as you value her like you always have. “I regret last night only if it makes our relationship harder…I didn’t expect it… Although the night itself was great, I’ve always valued you as a dear friend and right now I don’t fell I want to change that. I do have to admit this can bring us closer, I would hate to think we would let it work the opposite way and make things weird b/t us.”
Good Luck and UpdateMe!
Had a similar situation once. We’re married now.
It’s ok to feel lost. But things have changed, whether you like it or not. You are right, that line cannot be uncrossed. But this person is important to you. Take it slowly. Talk about it. Just because she pounced on you doesn’t mean she’s trying to marry you. It’s possible she’s not interested in a lasting relationship. Sadly, that does mean the friendship might not last. But the best relationships are also lasting friendships.
My wife knows everything about me. I know her family. I’m curious how that somehow precludes a relationship in your mind. Is there something else that makes you not want a relationship with her? Figure that out, because “she knows me and I know her family” is a stupid rationalization. What are the underlying reasons you don’t want a relationship? Be honest with yourself. It’s allowed to be something shallow. You’re allowed to not be attracted to her. Figure it out.
Our society has such a dysfunctional few of sex and romantic relationships. Having a best friend as a romantic partner that has the same worldview is somehow viewed as wrong is definitely something that needs to be analyzed. We fetishize toxic romance so that when we are in a healthy one we’re perplexed.
My wife and I were best friends before getting together. There’s nothing better than being with your best friend. She’s my drinking buddy. My confidant. The one I most wanna go see a game with. Who I wanna go to a museum with the most. Anything fun we wanna do we’re each other’s first choice to do it with. From personal experience I say you should give you two a shot. Your friendship doesn’t have to change either. It can be a strong and fulfilling foundation for a great romantic relationship to be built upon.
never have sex with friends you wanna lose
Sounds like a really tricky spot. Be honest but kind when you talk to her. Let her know you value the friendship and the history, but that you don’t see it turning into a relationship. It might hurt for a bit, but clarity is better than leading her on. Also, don’t beat yourself up too much, feelings can be messy..
What about her makes you think it won’t work? Are you just not monogamous and want to be with multiple women? If she was a close friend, and then you cut contact for her entire marriage, and then she comes into your life and you let her back in like nothing happened, it doesnt get more “soulmate” than that right there.
So you need to realize how old you are and what you want to do or who you want to be with as time moves fast. You’re almost 30. And sure, men can usually date younger women. But if you want a family someday, that time to think about that and look for that is right now.
You went 2+ years with no contact. So arguably the friendship was on hold. And maybe her marriage didnt work because you were her “one that got away.” So you need to think long and hard why you dont think a relationship would work if thats what she wants to talk about.
You already went years with no contact, what would an attempt at a relationship hurt now that there has been physical intimacy? Think about it. Many men miss opportunities like this to be with a good woman and regret it years later and end up choosing someone who is not good for them due to loneliness in their 40s. You got some years before then, but the time to think of it is right now.
You do not say why you would not want to date her?
I hope you see this message but honestly, just let loose and chill out. Go talk to her. You JUST reconnected. Keep talking and hang out. Maybe the wall you put up as a kid will fall, maybe it won’t. I think you should dip your toes into the water. You found her attractive enough to have sex, and you know her and she knows you better than others.
Maybe explain to her that you’re not sure where yall are at and want to give it time?
The best relationships are rooted in friendship. Maybe you could be open to exploring that with her.
Just give it a shot and stop being negative.
If you aren’t fully attracted to her, don’t pursue it. I can see why so many other commenters think you should give it a try, but your intuition might be telling you something. Some feelings can’t and shouldn’t be forced.
What do you think a marriage is … The other person knowing you better than yo know yourself, which you said yourself, see where this goes.
It’s totally normal to feel that way tbh. She’s clearly been into you for a while, while you’ve had a mental barrier up about developing those feelings. For one reason or another you’re just not into her like that. So, she got really flirty and you hooked up. Okay, that stuff can happen, but now you’re more clear-headed and maybe regretting it a little. You’re still just… not into her like that.
For me, the fact that she’s refused to get over you through all of her and your relationships, for a decade, is troublesome. This fact can’t be ignored anymore, and needs to be discussed. If you dont feel upto it this very instant, you can tell her you need some time, give her an alternate meeting date so you can stick to it. But you must discuss, honestly, and put down firm boundaries. What happened happened, and you clearly weren’t fully against it, but it cannot happen again.
I’m not going to diminish your friendship here at all, but once you have sex, it’s hard to turn around. Most of the time three options lie before you.
Try actually dating. If you’ve been close friends that hang out then you basically have been dating you just never attached any commitment to it. It’s possible it works out and you both have a very happy life being closer than friends. The con of this option is if you have major falling out over dating you also lose a friendship. (Hot take but if the one you date doesn’t ever become your best friend, they aren’t the best partner for you.)
Never speak of it again. Try to move on and just be friends. Realize it was just one night of fun and not put it up on a pedestal. View it as “just one night.” And don’t give it any more power than it deserves. The con of this option is you may now be tempted to have sex again… and again… and then you just loop back to the start of option 1.
I’d be curious to know why “we could never date” because it’s possible it certainly could.
Do it 10 more times and see how it feels then
If you really value your friendship with her you need to be a big boy and express those feelings. Whether you do or dont want a relationship. I’ve in my own life fooled around with a female friend and she didnt want me the way I wanted her and we both agreed to not make it weird and it was just fine.
Im glad that reading some of your comments your gonna talk with her, best of luck man you got this
You’re overthinking the whole thing. The worst case scenarios are playing in your head. It’s just sex. Don’t associate the taboo with it. I can guarantee she’s more cooler about the entire episode than you are.
Give it a few days, it’ll sink in.
Give the relationship a shot. Very few, if any, relationships are like the ones we expect in our head.
Sounds like great girlfriend material to me.
Me and my wife are besides being married, also best friends.
We know each other in and out, best damn feeling there is to be honest.
I think it’s okay you don’t see yourself with her and or marrying her. Better tell her now than lead her on.
You said ‘you built a wall up’. Why?
To me she has been trying to break through that wall and this is a good opportunity to let the wall crumble and see where things go. This could be the best thing that has ever happened to either one of you.
Get over yourself and who cares. It’s sex, it’s not like you murdered anyone. Stop overthinking sex. It’s normal people do it all the time.
Drowning in success and complaining
Time reveals all. You’ll find out eventually what your feelings are.
op thinks he can do better. nothing wrong with that. keep swinging bro
I think you should have the conversation first, see where her head is and take some time to contemplate the potential in the relationship. Like others have mentioned – a lot of the characteristics of this relationship you have with her could lead to something you’ll truly cherish. You’ll only know if you try and you can still back out if things don’t work – just be honest.
Well you won’t be at her future wedding unless you marry her
Bro it just sound like u scared of what could be and justifying it to be an attraction thing but what you’ve said you’ve done clearly implies attraction
Wait so you were 19 when you met her as a 16 yr old ?
RemindMe! 2 days
Yeah sack up and be a man. Tell her how you feel be honest. Don’t let things go off the rails just be open and talk it out.
I saw this post months ago, then copypasta’d into IG, and now it’s back lol
So, who’s sitting at my table, guys? Any dance partners for cutting a rug on their wedding reception dance floor?
If not fully attracted then bad mistake to lead her on. You are adults so no regrets. But marrying her would be a bad move and will lead to unhappiness.
Get married. Great to be friends with your spouse.
Update us on how the convo goes!
A lot of good long-term relationships start by being friends first and then moving on to a couple as long as both of you are on the same page and want that, this can be a good thing. If one of you wants a relationship and the other wants to stay friends, its not going to work. Establishing what you want the outcome to be is key and honesty as well
Pay attention to signs brk could be a sign from God just date her and see where it goes relationships that start off as friends are usually the best just give it shot see where it goes
Go very very slowly. This could be the end of your friendship. If its the start of a relationship id say you picked a deeply flawed person to connect your life to.
You think youre hotter than she is. So you think you can get a hotter gf and don’t want to settle for her. There’s no nice way of telling her that. No matter what she’s going to be hurt.
It’s going to be super-weird… Now rinse and repeat… 😉
You might just be a little afraid and doubting it. Some anxiety. You’ve already crossed the lines of sex, try a relationship. Just trust the process.
Start with what you actually want. If you want a relationship, say it plainly, ask how she feels, and suggest one low pressure date to see if it clicks. If you want to stay friends, name the awkwardness, apologize for mixed signals, set some boundaries for a while, and give her space. Match her pace and accept the answer.
Guess I’m going to be the only voice of morality here. Hey, she was thinking and dreaming of you in a sexual way during her marriage, even though you two hadn’t been talking at all. Meaning it wasn’t unvoluntary from seeing you often, she was going out of her way to reminisce over you and get aroused while she had a husband. That’s not cool.
If your own morals swing that way then fine, get with her, but you seem like a decent guy so ask yourself if that’s the kind of loyalty you want from a partner. Not sure why more people aren’t pointing that out but maybe it’s just reddit.
Maybe it’s best to just stay friends if that’s what you want. If you doubt your attraction to her, no need to push it. Doesn’t matter if it’s because of those “walls you put up for her during childhood” that you talk about in your replies. The why doesn’t matter, just what is. Find someone you’re genuinely attracted to.
Man follow your heart , most of all time friendships between man and woman ends up on a relationship sometimes work others don’t, I sense you communicate well with each other that is the foundation of relationship, so give it a try or you will regret it
This comment section is reminding me these are all still redditors… Maybe find advice elsewhere
I think your just scared to commit and you know that in this case you will have to. Period!! Go ring shopping and get hitched. You will never have better than what you have with her. Relationships DO NOT stay boner strong and all that crap. It is a big lie. Everyone gets sick of each other. You stay for the friendship, the bills and the kids. Time to grow up and put on your big boy pants. You just committed and didn’t even know it. Time to man up and grow up. She sounds awesome and I hope you are as good as she is to you already. Don’t screw this up because you will regret it your whole life.
I had this (21F) with my best friend (22M). We had a 6-year-long friendship, stronger than everything I ever had. I was obviously in love with him. In the course of this friendship, we slept together a total of three times. We totally brushed over the fact that we had had sex and continued with the “friendship” parade, as neither of us wanted to accept the fact that we were attracted to each other, because that meant that we would have to try the relationship thing out. The fear of failing and losing each other forever held, at least me, back. He was more in your position; he swore he “didn’t like me that way,” but kept leading me on. He flirted with me sometimes, and he would make strange comments about my looks, etc. As u can imagine, this ended horribly, we ended up having a very toxic friendship.
What I’m trying to get at is, just be up front. I don’t know if you like her or not, but figure it out before leading her on. If you are not convinced, (also my advice on that is, do it, there ain’t a better case scenario than falling in love with your best friend. Let yourself enjoy that, from your post, I feel like you’re looking for excuses to prevent yourself from doing something that you never actually considered possible.) Just avoid the whole thing and be honest. If you actually care for her, which I guess you do, just be honest with yourself and with her.
Excited to see the update, best of luck :3
You have to just be honest about what you’re feeling. Maybe take some time to make sure your giving your feelings the right space, that you’re being fully honest with yourself. Then tell her and let the cards fall where they may. Maybe you find a way to go back to being friends, or maybe it’ll be too much for you. It’s hard to know where the conversation will go. But be true to how you feel deep inside and it will be in line with what you need.
Update!!
Further to what I said sorry I came down hard on you but…you go through hell in life and you need a partner to deal with it. Life gets harder and harder and more expensive and more difficult the older you get. Money can be great and it can also be really challenging at times. You get sick and get better. You go through tough times and good times. Having a partner makes it easier but not that much easier. You mostly worry about each other all the time. You don’t want to disappoint one another. I mean spending too much money. Losing your job. Getting sick or not having work. All those things you don’t think about in your 20’s even 30’s but 40’s, 50’s and 60’s they matter. Having a partner is the greatest blessing or your worst nightmare. It sounds like you already know each other really well. Which is half the battle. The other half is being there for one another through thick and thin. The commitment part and that is the tricky part. Things you really don’t think about like that usually I mean when you’re the age you are now. Now it seems you have to think about it. Sounds like you have never been in love. This is the closest you have come to being in love. I don’t think it gets much better to being in love than what you described. Being in lust is obvious. Being in love sounds like what you’re dealing with.
Updateme
So the context i am missing is what are your relationships like in general? Like, is connection always hard? I am asking, because I have had a lifelong issue with avoidant attachment style and your initial post reminded me of me (people knowing me really well is scary and uncomfortable for me not reassuring at all), but I could just be totally projecting. If you normally feel emotional connections in your relationships, and just not in this one, maybe yeah try to let her down easy. But if emotional connection is a thing you don’t have generally, maybe try to work through it with her support in this relationship? Like let her know you want to try and that it is a big deal for you.
For perspective, just to let you know where I am coming from, in my case, I have an avoidant attachment style issue that has severely limited my ability to initiate or participate in emotional intimacy, and I only really came to understand in the last 3 years even though I have been married 32 years.
In my childhood I developed some persistent, delusional beliefs. Because of my childhood experiences, I believed that no one was capable of really loving me for myself instead of just what I could do for them, and that I wasn’t capable of doing enough in the long haul of a relationship for anyone to stay.
I believed that once someone got to know me well enough to see my limitations, they would abandon me. I wasn’t conscious of these delusions, but I acted consistently with them without realizing it. My experience with people for most of my life only seemed to confirm these beliefs. I didn’t see how I was actually actively pushing people away, and just saw myself as the victim, being abandoned again and again.
In mu case, it was a 12 step program for adult children of alcoholics (even though neither of us had alcoholic parents) that eventually helped me. I did it and my wife and I both still go to meetings faithfully and though we both can still get triggered and feel old impulses, we now recognize the delusions and fight against them and can actually talk through it together instead of being controlled by the feelings.
(There’s a lot of 12 step programs out there all free even on reddit; here’s the one that worked for us: emotional sobriety zoom MEETING focused on the tools inspired by alanon and coda, all 12 step members welcome https://www.bbaworks.com/ )
Marry her.
Just an idea, but someone in her family may be hoping yall end up together. They way you described her and the time in the bed, seems like you secretly in love with her to but ya know. Kinds build a wall around ya self when it come to love. I ve been there. Accidently burned bridges by mistake becuase of it.i don’t want to get personal. Bit I would give it a try. See how it works.
Just continue going around her be her person for a little bit might be just nerves from the excitement. Never know could be the best thing ever for you.
This is how I met my wife. We are perfect for each other because we were best friends first.
She is the best choice for you , trust me , you are not going to get a better girl than this , constant love and care will be there forever
WHY sleep with her and accept to come to her appartement if from the start you knew you and her together just doesn’t sit right with you? people aren’t objects you can rut into and be done with it dude.
Eventually as you grow old with someone the excitement plateaus and you have to work at maintaining a healthy relationship. Life will challenge you along the way and it’s so important that the foundations of your relationship is rock solid. You have a very unique opportunity here, most people struggle through life trying to find what you already have with her and you have nothing to lose if you just be honest with yourself and drop the wall. She’s already down for you and that’s amazing.
I wish you the best of luck.
the fact you’d treat your 10 years female friendship like a body bag good enough to bust a nut but not good enough to date because she’s fat is wild to me lmao. what a friend damn.
I get the sense u feel like you can “do better “ and you would be settling for her… do better man
That’s how my husband and I ended up be married now going on 30 years best friends make great partners, assuming you enjoyed the encounter?
You don’t need to make any decisions now. Keep it casual and date for a while and take it slow. Have fun..
Bro. She knows everything about you and still wanted to sleep with you.
Take the massive win. Go all in and see where it goes.
Attraction, chemistry, and vulnerability is such a powerful combination. Embrace it and don’t self sabotage yourself.
They say Karma’s a btch, but I think love’s a btch…
Update please 🙏
You screwed up!
Are you alive?
Do her again
Do it again. Just to be sure..
So you took advantage of her feelings and now you don’t know how to make yourself look like a good person still?
prime example of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK-sHqa-sMk
Men: women should give me signals so I know and I can date her
Also Men: oh no, she is giving me signals that she is into me. I should not date her.
Man here, like bro you ain’t thinking like a man.
You screwed up. I did exact same thing and it didn’t end up well. You basically end up marrying her and get a happy marriage or forever losing her as a friend.
You just won’t talk anymore if the relationship thing doesn’t work out.
Tbh shouldn’t have done it
I have a feeling you might be one of those ppl who doesn’t want someone when they want u. And vice versa. Heal.
Enjoy the free puss and stop making it weird.
You know so much about each other and have a deep connection and you have a problem with this…. people go Yeats to attempt to get closer and be honest with each other. This to me is a simple questions, do you actually like her or did you like the idea of her? Cause if you like her really why not? But if you like the idea of you two your it’s a lie and will fail. Make up your mind you are on a big choice and both will change your life for good. Choose right.
I don’t get how any comment can blame her or say she’s using him.
They were friends for ten years and she made it very clear she’d be interested in more and then stopped talking to him when married out of respect for her partner.
She’s talking to him and flirting with him, clearly wanting a real relationship.
He isn’t sure, but has literal sex with her. Not a date, not a kiss, full blown sex.
Then he’s here unsure and not fully positive he’s attracted to her.
Y’all are such hypocrites. If this was a woman, she’d be called so many names the post would be locked within the hour.
She is single, and you are single. You have known each other for years. You should be going balls deep in her, and let the relationship flourish.
Sounds like you’re in luvvvvv lol. Call her.
You obviously know the kind of person she is when it comes to men and how many relationships she has been after her ex, or maybe you just feel like you are her last choice when all else fails.
Maybe she’s the one. Make a Wish list(Manifest) of the perfect woman with 18 must have qualities. Is your best friend a 15 or better? If so, Marry her and live happily ever after. If not, have a long deep talk. Good luck!
Reading your comments – face 10/10. Body 4/10. Sounds like she’s too good for you!!
You still can sleep with somebody and not be fully attracted to them. I don’t agree with others…
Anyways, go with your gut. If it’s not your cup of tea, be honest. She probably will dislike you after that. But what’s the point of this relationship then ? We like whom we like…
you just opened a door that can never really be closed again
Just saying, once you cross that line, it becomes very hard for people/relationships to go back to how they were.
It totally sounds like this could be a “Let’s see where this takes us for a bit,” type of situation, OP.
I mean. You don’t owe her a relationship or commitment. But, if you wanted to… You definitely could. That’s just the way I’m seeing it from my PoV.
Couldn’t hurt to try. I mean, as long as the family digs you, you dig them, you dig her, and you get along well.
Like, her knowing “so much about you” is literally how relationships begin. You talk about your personal stuff, get to know each other, and then you eventually see if you’re sexually compatible, too. Not necessarily in that order, but yeah. You get my point.
I hope your meeting with her is going… Swimmingly. 😉
How was the sex?