My father-in-law passed away not too long ago. A few years before he died, he suffered a stroke that left him mentally impaired. It’s hard to explain exactly how much. He wasn’t completely gone, but he wasn’t fully himself either. It was this gray area where he could still do some things and understand some conversations, but he wasn’t able to fully advocate for himself or process everything like he used to.
While he was still alive, my mother-in-law started seeing someone else. They were never divorced, and my FIL was still living in the same house, but she went ahead with this relationship anyway. Now, after his passing, she’s living with this boyfriend who has always been creepy and rude, and doesn’t give a shit about pushing the rest of the family away.
Here’s the part that makes me feel physically sick: she had my FIL cremated and is keeping his ashes in that house, with this man who disrespected their marriage and has made it clear he doesn’t value the family my FIL built.
It feels like such a huge disrespect to my FIL’s memory, especially because he never really had the full capacity to understand or consent to what was happening with their relationship at the end of his life.
My husband is grieving too, and I don’t want to make this harder for him, but it eats me up inside knowing where my FIL’s remains are. Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? How do you cope when someone you love is treated like this after they’re gone?
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Is there any chance at all she would give FILs ashes to one of her children?
When your husband is ready, have him plan a scattering of ashes.
So this is what you do. Get some fire place ashes and put them in a ziplock bag. Now go “visit” your MIL all the while you have the bag of ashes and another empty ziplock. You are going to put your FIL in the new empty bag and replace him with the fireplace ashes you brought. Now you will have to get your SO involved to get them out of the house so you can rescue your FIL. You stay back because you have developed a terrible headache and need to lay down for a bit/ DO NOT tell your husband what you are doing! What your mil doesn’t know won’t hurt her and when your husband is ready tell him how much it has bothered you about how your FIL was treated. You felt compelled to rescue him and save him from further indignity
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ngl, Totally get that perspective! It’s tough, but honoring their memory is important too. Finding peace today can help with that grief!
Is it customary to just keep the deceased’s ashes at home in your culture? Isn’t there the option bury the urn or place it in a columbarium? You and your husband could tell mil you would like to have a place to grieve and commemorate his life. According to psychologists, for the process of mourning, it’s important to have a spot, a place where the loved one is located and the opportunity to go there to commemorate them. Obviously, a shelf in someone else’s house is not appropriate for that. Are there other siblings you could enlist in support to convince mil to have fil finally buried?
Alternatively, here where I live, we have the option to have the ashes turned into a synthetic diamond. They literally make your loved one into a diamond. Maybe look into that, ask mil, if she would agree and just keep the diamond at your place afterwards?
That’s brutal, and honestly it is disrespectful. But the ashes are just ashes, your FIL isn’t in that house with her and her boyfriend. The real honoring of him happens in how you and your husband remember him, tell his stories, and keep his legacy alive. Let her cheapen herself with her choices, you don’t have to let it cheapen his memory.
So this is going to be a take that you perhaps won’t like , but it’s different to the others here
On this sub we are always talking about people overstepping into the primary relationship between husband and wife . In this case , this is nothing to do with you . Your role in this is to support your husband through his grief . What his mother choses to do with her husband’s remains is not something the Dil should be involved with