I’ve (29F) been with my (29M) fiancée for four years.
This year in Jan he got a new job involving international travel and long 15 hour days which meant that when we moved into our first house together at a similar time, I had to shoulder all of the practical responsibilities. We’ve got 2 anxious dogs, so I’ve been housebound whilst training them to be left alone without barking. I had to tell my work about this and ask for leeway to WFH full time. It has damaged me professionally (and mentally) but I’m managing it. I’ve had two mental health breakdowns since it started and I’m wobbling along at the moment.
I don’t want to go into too much detail but long story short, this practical dilemma has made me realise he has never been capable of considering my needs. I finally asked him why he let me go through this for so long, and he has so many excuses that are hard to argue with (I’m working on it, I can’t just quit my job etc), or he says he doesn’t know how to be empathetic naturally. It makes no sense to me at all. Some people seem to think this male behaviour is lack of love, others say lack of capacity. The remorse he displays as he explains why he is such a terrible partner confuses me even further. He cries sometimes.
Every time I want to bring up a relationship concern or communicate my needs, he takes it as criticism. So much so that he’s started to become contemptuous. On average it takes me about 45 minutes of talking to him and rephrasing things as gently as I can to get him to talk back to me. I think it’s some kind of childhood trauma about confrontation? Most of the time he owns up to his faults and apologises but then the next day it’s all ignored and it’s back to being defensive. My needs are basic: talk to me about our relationship like an adult, give me a hug sometimes, don’t avoid me when I’m upset or sick (he does this for some reason). I am ok doing housework and planning dates, the bar is LOW.
This morning he crossed the line: we were in the car I told him I wished he’d been more affectionate after we agreed to keep working on the relationship. His response was to accelerate aggressively and shout at me that he can never do anything right. I’m a very nervous passenger on a good day. It was terrifying. I told him his behaviour was unacceptable, and his response was that he wouldn’t have found it aggressive if he was in my position. I haven’t spoken out loud since, I’m in shock by it.
I’ve read some posts on this sub about women embracing aloneness and as terrified as I am to be alone, I’m coming round to the idea of living without daily torment of a man that can’t do basic communicating. Has anyone else just given up? How do I find a partner that isn’t like this?
I’m financially and practically dependent on him so I can’t kick him out and break up with him, but I think I want to. Getting married seems stupid, but I really want a family. If they’re all like this then do I just settle? I’m quite scared of him after the car scenario. I don’t know how to break free but I was hoping for some sisterly validation and inspiration to help me get clarity and live in this horrible situation.
Any pointers please?
Thank you 🙂
Comments
Time to get your ducks in a row and figure out how to become financially independent of him and move out.
My spouse became dysregulated in the car back in July and I had to put a boundary in place about no longer riding w him and the kids. In August I told him I wanted to separate.
Once you get to a point where you feel physically and emotionally unsafe it is time to leave. Please figure out how you can do that. Do you have any support systems you can lean on?
Don’t worry about marriage, family or other relationships and the future. Just worry about the present right now and getting out of this one.
Talk therapy for yourself if you can.
You do not feel safe with him! This is big. You should plan an exit strategy asap. I understand you’re dependent on him and will likely need to figure it out. In the meantime, be extra kind to yourself, do only what needs to be done. Non meaningful tasks should be postponed so you can build up some energy to handle leaving. Best of luck.
Imagine him accelerating and yelling at your children because he didn’t like what they said. Imagine him scaring them.
I’ll just say we’re pretty innately bad at indirect communication. We’re usually raised to just say what we mean and that makes it hard to interpret implied meaning. It can be misinterpreted as unempathetic, when we really are just a bit dumb.
This is not that. It sounds like he has a major anger management problem based off that last anecdote. A lot of men bottle shit up because they grew up encouraged to “be a man” and hide their feelings, then it erupts. He might have some kind of bipolar depression going on. At least, that’s how it sounds based off him sometimes crying and despairing about being an awful partner. That he’d also aggressively pass blame onto you makes me think something is really imbalanced with him.
You need to be able to have mature discussions for a healthy relationship, and if this is how he’s reacting to you trying to communicate about affection, idk how you resolve that without therapy. If he scared you, idk how to resolve that period. It sounds like some trust was lost.
It’s not your job to fix his issues in an event. Attain your financial independence, and give him the “therapy or I’m out” ultimatum if you want, or just leave him if he’s damaged things too much at this point for you to ever feel safe around him again. Of course, I’m not a woman, so idk what the best way to handle that is. Someone else is more qualified to speak on the best path forward.
And no, men are not all like that.
Not all men are, no, but they are rare and a lot of people in general are emotionally stunted, both men and women. As I’ve gotten older, my tolerance for such immature displays of emotion is basically nil.
A lot of men don’t show their controlling, or even abusive, tendencies until they feel comfortable in a relationship. This seems to happen a lot after major transitions, such as moving in together, engagement, marriage, or pregnancy. Your fiance is showing a lot of red flags.
Some questions to ask yourself is why are you considering compromising your safety just to be with a man? What is so great about being in a relationship that you’re willing to put up with unacceptable behavior? What kind of partner would you want to raise kids with and does his behavior align with that? How would you feel to see your kids modeling his behavior? What are the circumstances under which you would like to raise a family? What would it take to raise kids independently?
If its common or not imo doesnt matter. That is dangerous behavior. I would not be ok with that and start getting g your thi as together so you can leave. I’ve dated some that are like you described. I have also dated men that are not that way. My partner is calm and communication between us is the best ive had. Even hard convo. Its be different if he would try to improve and work on the concerns you have. It sounds like he does the opposite, almost like he doesnt respect you. I hope that you are safe and im so sorry you are dealing with that. Do know life is better that being around someone like that.
Trust your gut.
Aren’t you alone now but with more work?
Out of all the red flags, the reddest flag is anything to do with lack of empathy imo.
My partner has a friend who married someone who told her he “doesn’t think he has empathy” and she is miserable.
I guess you have to decide for yourself if you are willing to stick around to teach a partner how he should treat you. It could take a month, or 20 years.
I personally wouldn’t date someone that hasn’t learned those basic skills – as you described, the very low bar.
Empathy is important, but actions are also important. He fails on both. Why is he forcing you to damage your reputation at your job? He needs to handle the tasks related to your home and dogs 50/50 and both of you continue with your jobs. IF you stay with him, which you should not because he is not relationship material.
hot take: i don’t think empathy is necessarily even the issue. i have a mental disorder that, for as long as i can remember, has really impeded my ability to feel empathy. like, i can mentally work it out in my head, but it takes directed thought, and i have never once felt it, the way people describe feeling sadness when they see a loved one cry or whatever.
that said, i’ve literally never angry accelerated with someone i care about in my car. i think it’s less about empathy and just personal respect. i don’t need to be empathetic to pick up on the fact that you’re a nervous passenger, lots of my exs have been (i like to drive fast when alone) and i have always adjusted to behavior that doesn’t freak them out. because, if i care about them, i want them to stick around and continue treating me well. part of that is to give them a similat respect they give to me, which involves not like.. frightening them deeply??
idk. all i’m trying to say is that OP deserves way better, and empathy is not the only thing missing from his actions based on how you describe them, it’s a whole host of disrespect & lack of care that you should absolutely never settle for
You mentioned you moved somewhere new? Abuser often wait until you have no support, move away, or until you are stuck with them with a baby to show their true colours.
It will only get worse. If he doesn’t think it’s aggressive he will do it again.