A few months ago I had a MA. I learned I was pregnant pretty early and it devastated me. I live in a state where it’s legal and it was still incredibly difficult to proceed with my choice. I do have my entire experience documented in case anyone wants to know for their own research but that’s not why I’m here.
I sometimes find myself getting very sad(to the point of tears) when I think about it.
I don’t regret it. It was the right choice for me and truthfully I felt so much relief when it was over. I guess I’m sad about the circumstances and that I had to make the choice at all. I NEVER wanted to have to make that choice. I actually worked quite hard to avoid ever being in that situation. But sometimes life isn’t up to us and even our best efforts aren’t enough.
This was my first pregnancy. Something that should’ve been nerve wracking and exciting. Not filled with dread and feelings of failure. I feel very lonely. Nobody but my partner and my doctor(and now whoever reads this) knows about this decision I made.
Talking about it with my partner makes them feel sad so I try my best not to bring it up. When I hear people talking about losing their babies it saddens me and I want to connect but I’m deeply aware of how our experiences are different. When I see people with babies, I think about what could’ve been and that saddens me as well.
I do want children, it just wasn’t the time. I “talk” to “it”. The same way you might talk to a loved one that has passed. I apologize that I wasn’t ready and I ask for “it” to choose me again in the future. And I pray that God knows me(my heart) and forgives me. Not because I believe that God will smite me or anyone else that chooses choice. It’s simply a personal/spiritual thing for me.
I just feel like I can’t speak to anyone about it because my experience isn’t like their’s. I made a choice that they didn’t get or wouldn’t make or might judge me for etc etc. It’s very isolating and it makes it harder.
I’m sorry for the rant and ramble. I hope I made some sense. Just looking for community.
I wish you all well.
Comments
i totally felt similar!!!! i was so sad and although i didn’t regret it, it brought up a lot of loneliness and sadness for me. even 7 years on i still think of it!! what worked for me was therapy (i got mine through my provider), a lot of time, and writing a letter to the fetus. i also went and yelled in a field lol. it can be so conflicting and strange and difficult to deal with, but you’re really not alone with this. my dms are always open if you wanna talk about it!!
i also really get the grief thing. i really grieved mine! i wondered who they would be and it felt like a loss, but because it was a Choice it felt like i couldn’t talk about it. i still struggle with that so i just want you to know that it’s ok and i think other people feel this way too. we can’t be the only two people in the world to feel this, even if others don’t discuss it ❤️
I have lived through this situation. I’m not trying to minimize your experience because I remember how painful it was.
What I can tell you is that your true first pregnancy is yet to come, and it will not be diminished by the experience you’ve had. When you have children, at a time that is right for you, this experience will not stand in your way. You will feel all the joy and love that a baby brings. You’ll just feel it at a time when you are better equipped to care for that baby.
Chin up. You have the right to choose when to start your family.