My sister lives at the other end of the country. Last January, she came home struggling emotionally and revealed she was an alcoholic. This shocked us, as none of us knew. During her stay, she hid alcohol, denied drinking, and often got drunk.
One day, she offered to take my kids (6 and 8) to the park. Believing she’d been sober for a week, I reluctantly agreed. They were late returning, and my son called asking me to pick them up (something he’d never normally do). When I called my sister, she was clearly drunk. I drove out and found her intoxicated with the kids, having bought alcohol while they played. That night spiraled into police involvement after she ran from my house accusing me of throwing her out. My kids had never been exposed to anything like that, and I’ve never forgiven myself for letting her take them.
In July, she admitted to a long-term cocaine addiction. My parents paid for a month of rehab, but she relapsed within five days. My mum then decided to have her live at home under 24/7 supervision. I told her I wouldn’t be involved and that my sister wouldn’t see my kids until I was comfortable.
Now she’s back living with my mum. Today, my mum(on loudspeaker with my sister) asked if I’d bring the kids over “because it would be nice for her to see them.” I had to tell my sister directly that I wasn’t ready for her to see them and reminded my mum she already knew this (my mother and I had multiple conversations about this before my sister came back home and how we would manage upcoming trips with the kids etc)
1) Am I the Asshole for now allowing my sister to see the kids?
2) Is my mum the asshole for attempting to manipulate the situation by putting me on the spot
3) Is my sister the asshole for never apologising properly to both myself and my wife for the January incident
Comments
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My sister lives at the other end of the country. Last January, she came home struggling emotionally and revealed she was an alcoholic. This shocked us, as none of us knew. During her stay, she hid alcohol, denied drinking, and often got drunk.
One day, she offered to take my kids (6 and 8) to the park. Believing she’d been sober for a week, I reluctantly agreed. They were late returning, and my son called asking me to pick them up (something he’d never normally do). When I called my sister, she was clearly drunk. I drove out and found her intoxicated with the kids, having bought alcohol while they played. That night spiraled into police involvement after she ran from my house accusing me of throwing her out. My kids had never been exposed to anything like that, and I’ve never forgiven myself for letting her take them.
In July, she admitted to a long-term cocaine addiction. My parents paid for a month of rehab, but she relapsed within five days. My mum then decided to have her live at home under 24/7 supervision. I told her I wouldn’t be involved and that my sister wouldn’t see my kids until I was comfortable.
Now she’s back living with my mum. Today, my mum(on loudspeaker with my sister) asked if I’d bring the kids over “because it would be nice for her to see them.” I had to tell my sister directly that I wasn’t ready for her to see them and reminded my mum she already knew this (my mother and I had multiple conversations about this before my sister came back home and how we would manage upcoming trips with the kids etc)
Am I the Asshole for now allowing my sister to see the kids?
Is my mum the asshole for attempting to manipulate the situation by putting me on the spot
Is my sister the asshole for never apologising properly to both myself and my wife for the January incident
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not allowing my sister to see my kids
2) because she is their aunty and is going through a difficult emotional time
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Uh DUH, NTA!
NTA
of course you are not the AH. Your priority is the safety of your children. Period. If people’s (not your kids’) feelings get hurt in the process, that’s their problem.
Yes, your mom is the AH. She should not have ambushed you like that.
Yes, your sister is the AH. Addicts invariably are.
NTA. Of course not.
Your sister is not entitled to see your kids. Your mom is an asshole for trying to manipulate you and you need to be clear on what she would have to do in order to earn your trust to see them, and being alone with them is off the table.
State what she needs to do, and then leave it with her.
NTA you are right in protecting your kids in this situation.
You’re NTA. Your mom is. Your sister is an addict and will be self-serving for the rest of her life so don’t expect an apology. Sincerely, someone whose BIL is a recovering addict.
NTA. Family members of alcoholics/addicts really benefit from their own programs to learn more about the disease, manipulation, and how to best support or react to their family member. Al anon. NAMI has classes for family members. The rehab facility should have had family counseling as part of the program. All to say is that it is completely healthy for you and better for your sister even to give her clear rules and consequences. Every time I see posts like this, I wonder if the family did not follow up with their own classes/therapy. Al anon for you and your mom.
NTA. Trust destroyed. Sister’s job to win it back. Mum should have more respect for your clearly communicated boundaries.
NTA. Your kids come first, and your sister hasn’t earned that trust back. Your mom put you in a bad spot, and your sister hasn’t even owned up to what she did. You’re protecting your family, and that’s the right call
NTA protect your kids. Your mother entertaining this idea is insane when you have already made your boundaries clear.
You NTA
Your Mom manipulative A hole
Your sister bad sister bad aunt a hole
If you never let your sister see your kids again that is completely understandable
NTA the first situation reminds me way to much of the documentary “There’s something wrong with aunt Diane”. Which is about woman whose family didn’t know she was an alcoholic, drunk driving a car with her children and nieces/nephews into incoming traffic. Your sister should not be around or in any way in charge of your children.
You – NTA. You’re literally obligated to protect your children who are too small to protect themselves. That includes keeping them away from unstable, unpredictable adults, who have already demonstrated willingness to put the kids in unsafe situations.
Mom – TA. She also should be putting the safety of minor children over your sister’s desire to see them. It was unfair and unreasonable to try to put you on the spot.
Sister- TA. For obvious reasons, including apparently having no concept of why she’s not a safe person to have around little kids.
NTA. Protect your children. I’d also be very concerned that your mother is not a great supervisor and may be enabling and/or codependent if she thinks it’s a good idea to undermine you for your sister’s benefit.
Your mom and sister are both AH, enabling and excusing bad and dangerous behavior that could affect your children. Both should’ve put in time out
NTA. Kids come first. Protect them at all costs. Sending love ❤️
So glad you are advocating for your children and protecting them. They are number one in this situation.
1 – NO
2 – Maybe? The issue with addiction is that she thinks the kids will actually help your sister when that is not something that will likely address the actual issue.
3 – 100%
NTA. Your kids your choice.
NTA – You’re responsible for your children’s safety. Keeping them away from an addict who has already put them in harms way by being intoxicated while they were in her care is what is safe for your children.
Sure, it’s a bummer that your sister is an addict. You say nothing about what her addiction is rooted in or what her history is, although this is ultimately irrelevant to your decision about whether or not it’s safe for her to see your kids.
Remember that you can choose if you support your sister or not through her addiction and possible, but entirely not certain, recovery. You can also choose what form your support takes; you could decide that you will show support to your sister by helping her get to a doctor’s appointment, or by doing supermarket runs for your parents now that they’re caring for your sister, etc. But you can certainly decide to withhold your kids.