My (42) wife (35F) is extremely insecure about her body and her looks after giving birth to our twins. In particular, the stretch marks and loose skin seem to be giving her a lot of psychological stress. She won’t go swimming and she won’t really let me see her nude anymore.
She also has postpartum depression that never went away and is really bad at taking care of herself and taking initiative as a result. Plus our kids take up a lot of her time. She’s her lowest priority.
I think a lot of her mental health issues are because of her feelings about her appearance. She is too depressed to take care of herself properly. It’s a cycle.
She is in therapy and takes antidepressants, but she’s consistently sad and has complained about her looks more than a little bit. She’s indicated that they really bother her, but she doesn’t want to be the stereotype of a wife who complains about her looks/ asks for reassurance. I have tried telling her she looks good, but she does not care.
She has indicated several times wanting to get treatments to resolve the stretch marks, because she says treating stretch marks is time sensitive. She hasn’t yet. I don’t know if it’s because she’s finding it hard to make the appointments because of the depression or because of the cost. She’s also mentioned that she would think about a tummy tuck if she had the money.
My wife has also not been getting her hair highlighted and stuff like she used to. She is also not getting fillers, Botox, manicures, and facials like she used to. I don’t think she looks worse by not doing those things, but I wonder if it would make her feel more like her old self/ help her be more confident.
My wife and I have separate finances for things outside of the mortgage, kids and household goods/bills, etc. she is a lot more budget conscious than I am, especially because she has high anxiety, is on unpaid leave right now (I’m paying all the shared expenses right now, plus giving her some for her personal expenses) and she made some previous bad financial decisions (which we strongly disagreed about and it’s the reason we have separate finances).
I have a large amount of savings, and I’m saving a lot of money each month, so i would like to help her out with this, especially because it’s because she was carrying my children. I feel guilty. I’ve been paying for therapy, which she doesn’t love. I want to offer to pay for and help set up the treatments, but I might be insulting her appearance by doing so. I’m probably too afraid to mention a tummy tuck so I won’t be doing that, but I’d like to offer for that too if I can get the courage. WIBTA if I offer to pay for and arrange for the beauty treatments she’s been putting off?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My (42) wife (35F) is extremely insecure about her body and her looks after giving birth to our twins. In particular, the stretch marks and loose skin seem to be giving her a lot of psychological stress. She won’t go swimming and she won’t really let me see her nude anymore.
She also has postpartum depression that never went away and is really bad at taking care of herself and taking initiative as a result. Plus our kids take up a lot of her time. She’s her lowest priority.
I think a lot of her mental health issues are because of her feelings about her appearance. She is too depressed to take care of herself properly. It’s a cycle.
She is in therapy and takes antidepressants, but she’s consistently sad and has complained about her looks more than a little bit. She’s indicated that they really bother her, but she doesn’t want to be the stereotype of a wife who complains about her looks/ asks for reassurance. I have tried telling her she looks good, but she does not care.
She has indicated several times wanting to get treatments to resolve the stretch marks, because she says treating stretch marks is time sensitive. She hasn’t yet. I don’t know if it’s because she’s finding it hard to make the appointments because of the depression or because of the cost. She’s also mentioned that she would think about a tummy tuck if she had the money.
My wife has also not been getting her hair highlighted and stuff like she used to. She is also not getting fillers, Botox, manicures, and facials like she used to. I don’t think she looks worse by not doing those things, but I wonder if it would make her feel more like her old self/ help her be more confident.
My wife and I have separate finances for things outside of the mortgage, kids and household goods/bills, etc. she is a lot more budget conscious than I am, especially because she has high anxiety, is on unpaid leave right now (I’m paying all the shared expenses right now, plus giving her some for her personal expenses) and she made some previous bad financial decisions (which we strongly disagreed about and it’s the reason we have separate finances).
I have a large amount of savings, and I’m saving a lot of money each month, so i would like to help her out with this, especially because it’s because she was carrying my children. I feel guilty. I’ve been paying for therapy, which she doesn’t love. I want to offer to pay for and help set up the treatments, but I might be insulting her appearance by doing so. I’m probably too afraid to mention a tummy tuck so I won’t be doing that, but I’d like to offer for that too if I can get the courage. WIBTA if I offer to pay for and arrange for the beauty treatments she’s been putting off?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I’m going to ask my wife if she want me to pay and arrange for beauty treatments. 2) my wife may feel like I’m implying shes ugly and/ or needs the beauty treatments.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA –
It all depends on wording. Word it how you did here, with an emphasis on how you want her to feel confident and beautiful again. If you word it in a way that makes it seem like you’re only saying it to make her appear better in your eyes then she’ll never do it and the depression will probably get worse. Just gently offer and if she says no, that’s okay.
INFO: Your wife is 35 and she used to get Botox, fillers etc. in the past? Was she ever comfortable in her skin?
NAH.
I would approach this by letting your wife know you’ve noticed her struggling, would like to help, and ask her what would most make her feel like herself. Offer to pay but also offer childcare, spending time with her, or whatever she actually needs for support. If she didn’t have to worry about making it happen, what would she want to do?
NTA, but I think you would do better offering her time to herself and money to spend how ever she’d like. She might choose to spend it on beauty treatments or retail therapy or going out with friends. If the goal is to improve her mental health, then it doesn’t really matter. I would not specifically suggest doing something to improve her looks. Given her current state of mind, she is likely to take it as you not loving her as she is, regardless of how you mean it
How old are your kids now?
First, start stepping up with sharing chores in the household and with childcare as well. Your wife should feel comfortable enough leaving the kids in your care if she wants to go out for spa treatments or even a couple of hours at the salon for her hair styling, highlights etc.
Once you both have gotten in sync with these, tell your wife that she is free to block dates for appointments with a plastic surgeon and for the procedures she wants
NTA. As someone who has had two babies in the last three years, I am sooo insecure. I use to get Botox, nails done, toes done etc. Now I feel guilty spending money on it. I rather buy my girls clothes, toys and experiences than spend a penny on myself. Hubby knows it and will pay for those things for me now.
NTA but I’d only offer laser or a treatment for her stretch marks right now. And could suggest she look for a workout class that she’d like. Spin, Pilates, bootcamp? Form it as a “hobby” that will also benefit her physically.
A tummy tuck is major surgery and she’s already on a slippery slope and like you said in a cycle, so I agree with you and do not think this is a good idea. Next could be boob lift, lipo, etc next.
I do think she also needs to continue therapy. If she’s not liking it she could try another therapist. Getting all those things done should “enhance” beauty, they will never fix anything. Her depression won’t be cured by Botox or surgery.
I get facials to help my skin, eye lash extensions because they open up my eyes, manicures bc I like my nails done and I feel great. I would and do also feel great when these things aren’t done.
As a wife, I wouldn’t take it personally if my husband let me know that he’d pay for something that would benefit what I was complaining about.
NTA – but I would be very careful with how you approach some or all of this. Also remember it may not just be about budget but organising the time, babysitting, being away from very young twins.
I would start with a coupon for a general spa day with a focus of relaxation things vs “beauty” and when you give it let her know you will plan everything (booking, baby sitting etc) she just has to let your know which dates suit and you will take care of the rest. If this goes well maybe start doing a monthly (or whatever frequency) “spa day” and mention she doesn’t have just go to the spa if she wants to do her hair/brows/lashes it’s her day to do whatever makes her feels relaxed and good.
You might find getting out of the house and getting back into the swing of beauty things might help and she relaxes. She might also open up about wanting bigger things. Which you would say it’s completely up to her because you have never lost attraction but if something she wants for her you are have no issues working with her to help if she wants.
Take it slowly and focus on relaxation and organised time away to let her get back to herself first. Any jump to plastic surgeries etc immediately no matter how well intended might not come across well. Twins is a massive undertaking on the body and sometimes the surgeries are less cosmetic and actually functional.
Maybe try getting her a gift card to a med spa. Somewhere with types of treatments you’d think she’d like. Then plan a day that you volunteer to take the kids for her to have a break and use the gift card. Put the gift card in a card and tell her how much you appreciate everything she does for you and the babies and you wanted to show your appreciation with a gift.
I think it is very sweet. Phrase it kindly, but make the offer. You sound like a keeper.
NAH, but don’t start with botox or tummy tuck. It would be safer to ask if she wants her hair done, a massage, or nails. Things that do not imply that her body needs help.