Hi all,
my partner recently moved into my house with her two children. The move itself was rushed and required that we both get rid of a lot of things and compromise on how we’re gonna use space (We both had our own sizable homes) etc. Nothing unusual about two middle-aged adults with successful careers and teenage children. My partner is a vegetarian and she chooses that largely for ethical reasons. I understand that, however I don’t share her ethical beliefs, but I do try to respect them by reducing our meat intake, buying from farmers markets, and generally reducing the amount of animal, cruelty and abuse in our diet. There are definitely meals that she doesn’t like us to make in the house, especially things that generate strong meat based odors. Overtime, I figured out which ones are no goes and things I have to make outside.
I understand that some compromise is needed to allow everyone to be happy. We have the schedule now where everyone in the house helps with cooking. I cook two days a week. She cooks one day a week (busy schedule). And our kids cook twice a week with leftovers on the other days. Mostly it’s been working.
The one sticking point we have that has proven really difficult is that she insists that some meals be fully vegetarian, even when some of the kids don’t want to eat vegetarian. I’ve tried to get around this by cooking fully vegetarian meals, and then adding some sort of separately cooked meat supplement. Or generating menus like tostadas or sandwiches where there could be both vegetarian and meat options.
To be clear, we do cook some fully vegetarian meals, but sometimes not everyone’s in the mood for that. The meals we make are not just vegetarian side dishes. We try to make fully incorporated vegetarian meals with options that are not just mac & cheese so I don’t think we’re doing her a huge her disservice by making meat sides. So my question is this. AITA for not wanting to force the kids to eat vegetarian just so that some meals are fully ‘vegetarian’
I don’t wanna get into a big fight about this with her, but I feel like if the shoe was on the other foot and I told her that some meals had to be fully meat inclusive that that would be a dealbreaker for sure (To be clear I have ever suggested this!).
Thoughts?
Comments
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Hi all,
my partner recently moved into my house with her two children. The move itself was rushed and required that we both get rid of a lot of things and compromise on how we’re gonna use space (We both had our own sizable homes) etc. Nothing unusual about two middle-aged adults with successful careers and teenage children. My partner is a vegetarian and she chooses that largely for ethical reasons. I understand that, however I don’t share her ethical beliefs, but I do try to respect them by reducing our meat intake, buying from farmers markets, and generally reducing the amount of animal, cruelty and abuse in our diet. There are definitely meals that she doesn’t like us to make in the house, especially things that generate strong meat based odors. Overtime, I figured out which ones are no goes and things I have to make outside.
I understand that some compromise is needed to allow everyone to be happy. We have the schedule now where everyone in the house helps with cooking. I cook two days a week. She cooks one day a week (busy schedule). And our kids cook twice a week with leftovers on the other days. Mostly it’s been working.
The one sticking point we have that has proven really difficult is that she insists that some meals be fully vegetarian, even when some of the kids don’t want to eat vegetarian. I’ve tried to get around this by cooking fully vegetarian meals, and then adding some sort of separately cooked meat supplement. Or generating menus like tostadas or sandwiches where there could be both vegetarian and meat options.
To be clear, we do cook some fully vegetarian meals, but sometimes not everyone’s in the mood for that. The meals we make are not just vegetarian side dishes. We try to make fully incorporated vegetarian meals with options that are not just mac & cheese so I don’t think we’re doing her a huge her disservice by making meat sides. So my question is this. AITA for not wanting to force the kids to eat vegetarian just so that some meals are fully ‘vegetarian’
I don’t wanna get into a big fight about this with her, but I feel like if the shoe was on the other foot and I told her that some meals had to be fully meat inclusive that that would be a dealbreaker for sure (To be clear I have ever suggested this!).
Thoughts?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I refused to make only vegetarian meals for non vegetarians, at the request of the vegetarian living in the house (2) I may be the asshole for failing to prioritize the ethics of my partners choose over the omnivore lifestyle of my kids.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. No one should ever force their lifestyle on others. One person choosing to be vegetarian does not and should not mean that a vegetarian diet be forced on other members of the household. It is incumbent on the person choosing the specialized diet to make sure that their choice isn’t making life hard for those around them who choose a main line lifestyle.
It sounds like you solved it by cooking the meal vegetarian and then preparing meat separately. Does that not work for some reason?
NTA. It not fair to cater to one person in a house with many others. You’ve already done enough to make sure there are vegetarian options for her to eat everyday. If she wants more, she can cook more herself. It’s not fair to try to force her lifestyle on those that don’t want it. You’re not forcing her to eat meat, she shouldn’t be forcing vegetarianism on everyone else.
NTA. I’m vegetarian and my husband will eat vegetarian meals but he also eats pork, chicken & turkey. Meat eaters in our house always have that option but I will say I make an amazing eggplant parmesan, beyond meat lasagna or spaghetti…you would never know it’s vegetarian. Hubs loves it. But I don’t force my vegetarian on people – they eat it because they enjoy it!
Everyone doesn’t have to be in the mood for something. It’s a meal, not a movie. As an ethical vegetarian, imagine the pain that she experiences knowing that a living being was raised to be killed, just to be consumed in 15 minutes. It’s like knowing the neighbor’s dog is on the menu and in the air as cooking aroma. Why not eat veg at home, and meals out are up to the individual? They’re often healthier, cheaper if you don’t eat a lot of processed food. Soft YWBTA
NTA. She’s imposing her ethical standards on the rest of you. That’s ridiculous. Human are omnivorous.
Sounds like your partner is one of those vegans that gives others a bad name. She will have to deal with the fact that other people eat meat. Including in your house.
NTA
Nah. You’re an omnivore and so are the kids. Eat accordingly.
YWBTA it’s hard enough to have a new blended family, forcing them to change how they eat will make them hate her
I think your title and your question in the body of the text are opposites of each other, so you’re going to get odd voting results.
Anyway, if the vegetarian usually has options that involve no meat, then there is no issue, and you’re NTA. I know it’s really daunting at first, but a whole lot of “pseudo” meat is on the market and should be palatable to most people in an otherwise standard recipe. You WBTA if you make everyone have to be vegetarian against their will. Sometimes you just want a piece of real chicken or a steak or whatever. And if that’s just once or twice a week, you’re still reducing the meat consumption, which should count toward something. Partner needs to let it go. The teenagers will eventually move out and it won’t really matter as much at that point.
NTA – I think it would be more fair to table some of the discussion until the teen kids are grown and can move out.
If at that point your partner still wants some meals to be fully vegetarian, it would be a two person decision and just between the two of you. If a kiddo stays in the nest at that point – they are welcome to leave if they don’t feel like cooperating.
But in the here and now, putting a foot down and insisting on vegetarian meals when kids are not able to freely choose to leave? That is a recipe for resentment and anger.
In the meanwhile, consider all OTHER possible ways to cater to the vegetarians wishes. For example, my sister is vegetarian and will physically be ill if meat fat gets into her food, to the point that she puked for ages after a thanksgiving where lard was in a veg casserole. I think it would be kind and reasonable to cut out all “invisible” meat, such as cornbread mixes that have lard in them. Might also be good to have color coded tongs and such so no one serving themselves meatballs gets meat grease in the spaghetti dish.
It is plausible, to me, that your partner could be demanding meat-free meals to avoid the stress of meat-contamination in her vegetarian food stuffs.
NAH. I feel like the obvious solution is you stop cooking for each other. You cook for yourself. She cooks for herself. You trade off who cooks for the kids. You should be able to eat meat in your own home, but it’s also not fair if she cooks for everyone and you cook for everyone but her.
I would think the night she cooks be a meal that is exclusively veggie. There are lots of meals that pulling a portion out before adding meat would work. Or meals that there are meatless subs for the vegetarian like veggie patties for hamburger night so the vegetarian can have a similar meal to the rest of the family.
NTA. As the only vegetarian in my house this is how I do it. I know I can’t dictate others food choices. I someone’s make accidently vegetarian meals Ratatouille, Mac & Cheese, most Indian dishes, but usually I just make a big batch of something with the proteins on the side or a much smaller version of the same meal vegetarian (Beef/Tofu & Broccoli for example). Sounds to me like you’re doing it right and being considerate of everyone.
I’m sorry you compromised but did I miss the part where she compromised for you?
NTA. I eat a lot of meat. I can’t remember the last day I went without eating meat. If I had been told as a kid that 50% of my meals were going to be purely vegetarian just to please some preachy activist, I would have raised absolute hell over it. I was already a difficult kid, so thank God my parents never tried anything like this.
NAH. Whoever cooks gets to decide on the menu. If you and the kids absolutely insist on meat 6 out of 7 dinners a week, go ahead.
info: are you asking her to cook meat on her dinner night? the conflict of the post is unclear
I’m a vegetarian, and there’s no way I’m going to force people to eat only vegetarian because of me. Just like I don’t expect them to force me to eat meat because of them. Your partner is essentially forcing her lifestyle on you, and that’s not fair. If you force your children to eat only vegetarian food, you are essentially telling them that her wishes are more important to you than theirs. That she is more important to you than them, and then you do become a major AH
NTA. It’s time to have a conversation about how this is neither of you’s first rodeo and develop a routine that focuses on just enjoying time together, not the little chores.
My mom and her fiancé dated for years long distance and they moved in together, she eats dinner while he has his down time and then he comes down and cooks himself dinner and she sits with him while she eats and they watch tv.
NTA That said, I think that whoever does the cooking gets the choice.
NTA.
The rule in my parents’ house growing up was always if you didn’t like what was cooked, you could make something else. Everyone cooked once a week, and was therefore guaranteed something they liked once a week.
I think it was a good balance of respecting both everyone’s bodily autonomy and everyone’s time.
NTA. Despite what your partner might think, the world doesn’t revolve around her. What other people want and need matters to. That includes her children, who should be allowed to choose whether or not they follow a vegetarian diet like their mother. Who is honestly acting entitled and selfish.
Yta for letting it get to this point because you don’t want to fight her about it.
NTA. She needs to be more compromising. You and the children are already compromising your preferred diets.
I bet you even eat all vegetarian meals. Does she eat meat, I bet not.
It is unreasonable to force the children into a niche diet, she needs to get over it. She doesn’t have to eat meat, but she can’t control what your children eat. If you want to go veggie, thats on you as a grown ass adult.
NTA:
Why doesn’t she meal prep for herself since she has all the restrictions.
Making others eat & cook what only she wants.
Seriously she is ridiculous. Why are some vegetarians so insufferable.
ESH
Why was moving in together rushed, and was there no conversation about merging your families and lives before you moved in?
That being said, it is strange to me that people NEED to eat meat every single meal, and literally can’t go a meal without it. It’s not about being vegetarian or not, a vegetarian never eats meat. A non vegetarian isn’t compelled to eat meat every single meal to make sure they don’t fall into vegetarianism.
There are tons of meals that don’t include meat without missing anything.
You really can’t cook one meal a week without meat? It’s honestly super bad for your health to eat meat so frequently, as well as expensive and bad for the environment.
She is partnered with someone who isn’t a vegetarian, and blended families without taking that into consideration I guess.
I think you both are digging your heels in, and need to be thinking longer term about how you’re going to live together, not your children’s need to consume meat 3 times a day.
NTA but isn’t the meal she cooked already fully vegetarian? As long as she has enough to eat i don’t see the probleme.
I’m vegetarian and i don’t care if you want your side meat, not my business to police what people eat.
YTA for moving in with someone before having this figured out.
That’s way too much. One person dictating the eating habits of an entire house for anything other than a medical condition is a big NO DEAL.
YTA
NTA. She made a choice to be vegetarian, you made a choice to move in together. Your children did not.
Expecting them to cater to her and follow her beliefs is unfair to them.
You’re making meat as the side dish not the main meal in spite more people being meat eaters, you are restricting the type of meat dishes you cook in the home for her, reduced meat consumption and made other changes.
You are not asking her to eat meat or animal produce, there is always a vegetarian option. That is acceptable.
YTA for suddenly moving her in and putting this on your kids. Why not wait until they go to college?
Wait, you’re including meat into every meal you make? Why?
I’m not a vegetarian and we eat vegetarian at least twice a week. And so do most other non-vegetarians I know.
Is this an American thing like dinner rolls? That you have to eat meat with every meal?
For instance, last night we ate noodles with veggies and cashews. When we eat nasi or bami it’s rice or noodles with veggies, fried eggs and sate sauce. Meat doesn’t add anything to these meals, so why would you add it?
INFO When you put to the side, do you put a vegetarian protein element to the side too? Do you make well balanced, protein rich meals and then add meat to the side? Or is she just eating meat dishes without meat? Can you give examples of the vegetarian dishes you make and the different vegetarian proteins you use?
You’re not in the wrong if you make proper vegetarian meals and than eat meat on days you like some, but just making meat dishes without meat for her is not really thoughtful.
For health reasons, you should be cooking several meatless meals per week, anyway. None of you are catering to her, not if you’re using workarounds like you are. But ultimately, the adults in the house need to present a united front, which means that you need to man up and tell her you don’t wanna eat vegetarian
YTA. You’re punishing the rest of the family to please an intolerant bigot.
With the kids, I don’t think they should be allowed to make it about “I won’t eat vegetarian”. The person who cooks decides what they cook and if they cook vegetarian then the kids eat vegetarian, *even if it is on every meal”.
In a household where some people are vegetarian and some are not it can get tricky because while theoretically there too whoever cooks gets to decide, no one wants every family meal to be an ethical debate field. But I think the compromise where the meal has a vegetarian part and sides are made separately is a good one.
NTA
NTA. Your partner can either make do with side dishes and other items that a vegetarian, make or obtain her own meals, or get out.
I think it’s fair for her to cook for herself. She has no say in what other family members eat. Plus, I consider restricting children’s meat consumption a crime and a disregard for their health.
Are you saying that you never eat any meals that don’t include meat? Telling her that every meal has to be meat inclusive is hardly a similar situation unless you ONLY eat meat. Either way, NTA but really having a few meat free meals would probably do your health some good.