My in-laws frequently invite and pay for my wife to go visit family with them in Aus for a month at a time and I have to stay at home and work. This time they’ve offered for her to go but it’ll also be our 5-month old daughter’s first big trip. I’ve never been thrilled about this arrangement anyway, but I’ve asked her not to go this time which has caused heated arguments but I just can’t stand the feeling of regretting missing out on my first child’s first flight, zoo trip, aquarium, swimming, enjoying sunshine. But I’m made out by everyone to be controlling and jealous about it. It’s really confusing emotionally for me, aita?
More context: flying from Europe. All family lives very close to us and we see them a few times a week. One of her siblings lives in Aus (not parents or whole family). We are also going on a big trip in a few months with her family and this sibling, this is a spontaneous extra that’s come up.
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My in-laws frequently invite and pay for my wife to go visit family with them in Aus for a month at a time and I have to stay at home and work. This time they’ve offered for her to go but it’ll also be our 5-month old daughter’s first big trip. I’ve never been thrilled about this arrangement anyway, but I’ve asked her not to go this time which has caused heated arguments but I just can’t stand the feeling of regretting missing out on my first child’s first flight, zoo trip, aquarium, swimming, enjoying sunshine. But I’m made out by everyone to be controlling and jealous about it. It’s really confusing emotionally for me, aita?
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> My action was that I kind of prevented my wife from a free trip to Australia, which has made her really disappointed.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Wanting to be there for your kid’s firsts isn’t controlling, it’s normal. Those moments don’t come back, and it’s fair to not want to miss them because you’re stuck working while your in-laws get the memories
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NTA, but other than the flight, if the child is old enough to do these firsts in Aus, why isn’t she old enough to do them with you already. I also know that a month is a long time, but do you ever go on at least part of the trip?
YTA and are very selfish. Her family wants to see the baby. Get over yourself. You have a long time to take baby to do all of those things
Take a 2 week trip at start and come home?
NTA
There’s no way I’d be okay for my child to go away for a MONTH as a baby, you’d miss so much.
Either you go too or baby stays home. Or a much shorter trip.
INFO Is going with them/taking time off not an option?
YTA for denying your wife precious time with her family that she surely misses very much. You shouldn’t have married her if this familial closeness bothered you so much.
INFO: how long is the flight from your home country to Australia?
bc 5 months old is far too young to travel for what could be a 15+ hour flight with a good connection with one parent. If the flight will be 15 hours minimum NTA.
Your wife wants to go home and have her parents know your baby. Australia (depending on where you live) is not a weekend trip. You can FaceTime important firsts. Not ideal, but many long distance relatives do it. Your wife is missing her parents at this important time in your lives, try to see it from her side.
It sucks, but back in the day it was common for wife and kids to go on vacation for 1-2 months in the summer, while the husband stayed at home to work. Maybe you can plan to take a week off and go with them.
NTA only because at 5 months old important infant moments start to happen… I’d ask then to take a shorter trip.
But the baby flying? eh, that’s not a super important first because the baby will have no clue.
YTA, your wife barely gets to see her family. She moved her whole life to be with you. Your 5 MO won’t even remember this trip
INFO —OP added in comment that there is a planned trip in April and this one is extra — “I’ve never been thrilled about this arrangement anyway ” i. you’ve always wanted control and this is just the best line in the sand you’ve run into because you think it sounds reasonable. It is not reasonable for you to want to deprive your daughter of her first trip , objectively look at your reasons for this this choice and talk to your wife about those reasons. OP added in comment that there is a planned trip in April and this one is extra
Awe this must be so hard for your wife living so far away from her family during this time.
I do feel for you, but YTA—you get the rest of your life with your baby and these precious moments with her family will be far and few between.
Can you take off any time to go be with them and they can save the extra fun stuff for your time there? Even a week or so?
YTA.
First, it is grossly unfair to make your wife my SS out because you can’t go. Secondly, it’s totally an AJ move to prioritize work over family. Can you not go for part of the trip?
ESH
years ago I traveled with my 6 month old baby, with my husband by my side. It wasn’t a fun trip for any of us.
the jets’ sound are way too loud for their tiny ears. their tiny ears also don’t know how to deal with pressure change before landing. it would be a HORRIBLE experience for the baby.
your wife will have to deal with her baby the whole trip on her own, on her lap all the time, with no help. it will be a horrible trip for her as well. not to mention that she will have to deal with luggage as well.
you, what I hear is “me, me, me!!!!!!”
better option for everyone if for the in-laws to come visit your family for the month. It may be more expensive for them that way (instead of just paying your wife’s airfare), BUT remind them that you all need to give the baby the priority here.
NTA. The parents can come here
YTA a selfish one. She needs her family too not just you
YTA. I’m sure there’s still time before the next trip to do some of the things you think you’ll miss out on. Swimming? Go to the local pool. Sunshine? Hopefully the sun shines where you are. Zoo? Find one and go first. These aren’t big experiences for a 5 month old so it does sound like you’re jealous and controlling. I’m sure your wife would love to bring baby to her family and probably get some relaxation while they all dote on her.
NAH
I can see both sides here. I presume your wife’s family has not had a chance to meet the baby, and they must be desperately eager to do so. I also understand you will miss your wife and child for a month.
However, I don’t think the “missing out on firsts” is a legitimate concern. The baby will be far too young to remember any of these events. If your child was three or four, it might be a different case. At five months, your baby is barely going to register anything going on – she certainly isn’t going to be able to distinguish one animal from another. If you are super concerned about the “first” experiences, take your baby to a zoo and aquarium and swimming pool close to home before she goes – then you’ll have been there for the first time. As for enjoying sunshine? Unless you live in Antarctica, there’s no reason your daughter can’t enjoy sunshine at home.
I think you should ask your wife to take a shorter trip – maybe two weeks. I assume you live in North America. The flight to Australia is long and gruelling for anyone, let alone someone caring for a baby. It would be crazy to take a very short trip because of how expensive and cumbersome the flights are, but I think two weeks should be enough. Is there any chance you can go as well, even if it’s for a shorter time? That might make you feel better about it.
If you prevent your wife from going on this trip, she and her family may end up resenting you for a long time. Think carefully before going down that road.
While I understand you would want to experience it all with your child, I also understand why your wife would want to go.
It’s a complicated situation that needs clear communication (between you and the wife and nobody else) and clear explanations about why your stance is your stance.
Without understanding the pov of your partner, neither will be able to either compromise or find common ground etc.
P.s. why have you never been a fan of the arrangement?
YTA.
You’re indeed controlling and jealous hence the “I’ve never been thrilled about this arrangement” part. What’s stopping you from taking a leave from work and going with them?
YTA, sorry. I think you need to hear this – you’ll miss some firsts. It happens. If you stop your kid from having (what sounds like amazing) experiences because you’re not there, you’re only punishing the kid and it’s entirely selfish. As a parent – you have to put your kid ahead of your wants sometimes.
Either let them go and accept it, or take time off work and go with them.
YTA
You are basically denying your wife’s family to meet the baby. In a few more months the baby will be a toddler and they will have missed it. Not only your inlaws but all her extended family and friends.
You are only considering your feelings here.
How about giving your child the chance to enjoy their grandparents cuddles? Meeting cousins? Aunties/uncles?
There is no guarantee you will experience all milestones of your child. Do it for them. Let them go.
Can you not arrange the trip so you join your wife for the first part? So you get to experience the first plane travel, trips outs etc? And the baby still gets to meet your inlaws?
Info – knowing these trips are made annually could you two not work out a time where she can go for a month and you can go for a week?
NTA
No one considers dad’s as important as mom’s and its BS. You deserve to be part of all those special moments but likely unable to because of being a provider. If you start allowing this to be the normal then you will never be part of all important milestones like your wife is. Women also try to take control of all things for the child, not always maliciously at first, then use that against the dad’s to say they were never involved. Never give up being an involved present dad.
NTA. He’s already said this is something they do frequently. He isn’t controlling her visits.
Baby is way too young to be traveling so far and won’t really enjoy all of those activities until older anyway. Why would her family want to separate you from your child for so long? Especially at this age. That seems to be the controlling issue.
The proper thing to do would be for them to come to you.
Well, since I don’t know where they are flying from, that makes it harder to have a strong opinion, but I do have the opinion that a 5 month old is a little young for that kind of travel. I also think that a 5 month old should not be separated from one of his parents for that long of a period of time, unnecessarily. Therefore, if the child does not yet have a passport and it is out of country travel, I would probably refuse to sign for one if I couldn’t get my spouse to see reason.
I also don’t think that there is anything controlling about wanting to be present in your child’s life. We are not talking about a 1 week vacation.
Edit:
So she wants to take the baby for a MONTH just to visit one brother? And to visit a country she won’t remember???
NTA, what an insane thing for her to ask.
Info:
Why don’t you just do all of those things now ie. Zoo trip, aquarium, swimming etc.?
I strongly suspect if you were Mom these comments would be different.
Parents blow a fuse all the time about first haircuts, first beach trip, first pumpkin patch etc. It’s completely normal to want to see your own child’s first experiences.
Personally, I do feel like 5 months is too young to be away from a parent for a MONTH when her family can just come and visit y’all.
I would suggest revisiting the topic when she’s a year old (that’s just me though idk.) Personally, I would not be ok with my 5 month old being in another country for a month even if she’s with the other parent.
YTA,
Everyone is correct about your feelings of jealousy. Let your wife and child enjoy life, even life where you’re not there.
YTA. She will end up leaving you
NTA.
They are only babies for a few months.
5-6 months is when the magic starts to happen.
Her family can come to you.
It is unbelievably selfish to take the baby for a month. Almost like they think dad’s don’t matter.
INFO. You say the in laws pay for her to go with them to Aus to visit family. Are the in laws in your country? Is it extended family? Is she originally from Aus herself? I feel these all need to be addressed to answer fair. Many people have already just assumed answers to these and jumped to judgments
NTA. It’s not controlling to want to parent your child. Hard to do that when you don’t get to see them for a long period of time. Now that you have a child, things have to change. Compromise is needed. Can wife go for a shorter length of time? Can grandparents travel to you?
Being uneasy about your baby being away from you for over a month is very reasonable.
Has your wife discouraged you from being an equal parent? Because I don’t think I’d take my new baby away from its father for that long.
I have to wonder how these posters would react if the situation was a father taking his baby to his mother thousands of miles away, for an extended period? I doubt anyone would say, “It’s ok; my MIL deserves this time…”
Soft YTA.
This is one of those, “your feelings are understandable, but that doesn’t mean your actions are justifiable” things.
Your wife should be allowed to visit her folks. Your in-laws should be allowed to meet with their grandchild. This is the sort of thing you should’ve expected a bit of when you got married and conceived a child.
But also, not wanting to miss out on those milestones is something you’re perfectly justified in feeling.
You should’ve led with your feelings on the subject… things you didn’t want to miss that would make you sad… before you got to asking her not to go. Maybe a softer discussion would have led to a shorter trip. Maybe even one you could go on… or you go for a week, and they go for 2-3.
There are compromises here to be had if you can have a more adult conversation.
INFO: Is there anyway for you to organise annual leave or suggest a date when you can take it?
If it’s a flat out no without even trying to make it work on your end then yeah you’re an AH because you see your family all the time.
NTA. Over my dead body
YTA. Not for having feelings, those are normal, but for forbidding your wife from seeing her family and partaking in a tradition. If you really want to be part of that, get off work. It’s clear work is more important to you than your family
YTA – your post makes it pretty clear you have envied your wife regarding this trip for a while and now you’re using the baby as a tool to prevent it. Missing out on the firsts is your excuse.
Why don’t you offer the compromise (for at least some of it) and request that trip take place after the baby’s first birthday. In fact, why don’t you suggest all relatives come to your town for a big 1st birthday party? Then wife and baby (& maybe you) can fly back with them – and help out in very long flight with toddler — for a visit.
NTA. Both parents’ role in their child’s life should be considered important and paramount. I find it sad your wife doesn’t care about you missing out on major milestones. She’s an asshole because she is not treating you as a family unit/parenting team and she is being inconsiderate of your feelings. If this is a frequent occurence, you should get couples counselling.
YTA. You can always take time off from work and join your wife and daughter.
Hey man, why are you making this about you?
Are you full time at home?
I think it’s great that your wife has this kind of relationship with her family.
Take time off work and join them or simply let them go.
YTA I sense divorce in your future.
Wow just no, I can’t believe the comments here. Also agree that if the gender was reversed, and husband was taking baby for a month, there would be an uproar on separating a new parent (mom) from an infant. This is too soon. I would have been physically ill to be separated from my baby for that long, that early. NTA.
… just take them to the zoo and the aquarium now, and let them go visit family.
If you want to be there the first time these things happen then make them happen. Telling your wife and child they can’t visit their family until you decide to take them to the zoo is super controlling, yes.
No, you can’t go see your mommy because I don’t get to go and I’m selfish
You’re being asshole. I understand you’re upset that you’re not gonna have these moments with your child but this is a risk you take when you take on marriage. Your spouse still gets to be connected to their family. Bless your little heart
NTA if roles were reversed and you wanted to take your baby with your parents to go visit one other relative around the world for a full month and your wife was stuck working and sad everyone would say you were horrible. Dads can also feel attached to their child and not want to miss out. Plus she sees her family all the time, it’s just one brother that lives far away and you have another trip coming up with them soon. She needs to be more considerate of your feelings. I would never take my kids away from their dad for a month at that age for no good reason.
NTA. I think that a lot of the people saying that you are “TA” have never been parents and it shows. Babies change incredibly quickly in the first year. To miss an entire month of that development is huge. They start to do so many amazing things and you will miss all of that. My husband delighted in each little change and development and it’s incredibly selfish of your wife to want to take that away from you.
Info?
I’m on the fence even with the extra information.
Why did you marry someone that took trips like this without you that you weren’t okay with?
It one of those things where it’s like, she did this before marriage and a kid, did you think this would stop? Did you ask to keep the baby? Did you discuss her stopping spobtaneous trips once having kids?
If not then YTA. Just because she had a baby, she has to give up her free vacations with the parents.
You keeping the baby, That way she can enjoy a trip without, although new moms miss the baby more then men because they birthed the baby and still have all those hormones messing with their minds. Not saying men can’t love their child, it’s just completely different for a mom whom has had her whole body changed and emotions still regulating. It takes a year or two for some women to feel normal again.
5months isn’t too young. I have a friend that travels with her 2 kids alll the time since they were about 4months when she started. Having kids didn’t stop her travels, just changed how she travels. Plus she’s a pro at keeping her kids comfy now on planes.
I feel like you suck the most for not discussing this before having kids, that you didn’t like the arrangement. So she could have had a choice on wether to procreate with someone that doesn’t wish her well.
YTA.
So, you don’t want to feel like YOU are missing out therefore you require your wife to miss out. Because you don’t want to feel the pangs of missing out you force your wife to feel these pangs.
Your 5m old will not remember a thing from this trip to see its uncle. Your wife will forever remember that time you forbade her to travel to see her brother.
This is one of the Most delusional comment sections I‘ve ever seen, wtf
NTA, separating your infant from one parent for such a Long time? You guys must be on drugs.
NTA – 5 months old is terribly early to be exposed to the horrid germ incubation chamber that is a long flight. She probably doesn’t have all her vaccines yet and her little immune system is still quite vulnerable. The in-laws should be coming to her, not the other way around.
Possible ESH – From your wording, it sounds like they ONLY offered to pay for your wife and the baby, not for you too. Is that correct? Or did they offer but you had to work? There’s a huge difference between those two things, so I just want to know if I’m reading that right. If it’s the former, you have a right to feel excluded because it sounds like the in-laws don’t want you there. If it’s the latter, you don’t really have a leg to stand on.
YTA, given the reasons you’re giving.
It is sad that you will miss your child’s firsts, but that isn’t a reason to deny your child those activities until you’re available. Is there a reason you can’t take some leave and go too, even if you have to go home early?
That said, 5-month-olds don’t fly well, and this is a really long flight, probably with a transfer so 2 takeoff and landing cycles each way. There is a solid argument that a baby shouldn’t be flying for something as trivial as a holiday.
,
If you are already planning on seeing them in a couple of months, the you’re not being unreasonable but if I was in her shoes, I’d go. Sorry.
YTA. I live in Europe. The continent isn’t the back waters of hells bumhole, you know we have fun stuff around locally and a few hours away from any major city right? Cheap flghts and rail exist if you can’t be arsed to drive. If you were so concerned about firsts, in the last 5 months you could have planned days/weekends out with your family but you didn’t. Don’t get me wrong i know it can be a pain to plan for long trips with a baby BUT…Her family offers to fly them her and now YOU’RE upset? Not because you can’t join part of the trip (you always hated her going away for a month remember? Let’s start there) because YOU won’t be there? What were you doing the last 5 months? It’s not like they’ll drop off the face of the earth for a month and you wont get to talk.
Edit: spelling
Is she on formula?
Let your wife go and take care of your baby for the month.
NTA. Its totally reasonable to want your partner to wait and have you all go on your first big trip.
Nta. your wife is asking for you to miss out on an entire month of your child’s life. It is OK to not want to miss your baby time. your wife can go to Aus on her own if she wants to, but that is a very long time to miss your baby growing.
Okay normally I roll my eyes at the gender bias accusations but there is no way in hell the comments would be going this way if it was a husband wanting to take the baby away from the mom for a month.
NTA. No way in hell I’m agreeing to be away from my 5 month old for that long and that far away.
YTA. Absolutely, YTA. Her parents have made a lovely, generous offer that’s allows your wife to spend quality time with her brother & parents.
Maternity leave is a very lonely time, even with all the support in the world, so just let her go and enjoy it.
And you know we have zoos, swimming pools & sunshine in the UK, right? This all sounds very petty & jealous. If you’re so concerned, you can take two weeks off & join them.
Are you unable to take time off to go with them? Not necessarily the entire month, but maybe two weeks? Couldn’t you work while you’re there since you work from home, even part-time?
YTA
NAH. I’m older and kids grown but I would have loves to get a trip to have family dote on me and baby and I know I would have a village to help give me significant baby breaks.
I also would feel like you and not want to miss a whole month during a critical growth period of bonding with my baby.
YTA Your wife is probably looking forward to the break from housework, and help with the baby, at her parents, and they’re paying for the whole shindig. And it’s one month for crying out loud.
You’re being selfish by making it about you. Can’t you take a couple of weeks off and join them for part of it?
NTA- but I think your wife is going to find out how difficult it is to travel with an infant by yourself.
NTA. I’m concerned why she wants her partner and child’s father to miss such a large portion of the baby’s life. That seems really cruel
NTA. Especially after reading that most of your wife’s family lives near you and only her brother lives in Australia.
It’s completely fair for you to want to be there for your daughter’s first big holiday and it’s unfair for them to want to deprive you of a whole month your baby’s first year. They change so much so quickly! My son is one and I wouldn’t have dreamt of taking him away from his father for a whole month.
We can’t keep saying we want dads to be equal parents but calling them AH when they don’t want their child taken away from them for a month in the first year of their lives.
So go with her.
With the edit, I will go for NTA. You are going to make a trip all together in a few months. Your have the right to want to be involved in the baby’s first trip and is a valid feeling. Nobody could argue with a mother saying this.
Have you talk to your partner about how you feel about it?
My husband was active duty when we had our daughter.
We had 2 wedding on the East Coast in my hometown when she was 5 months. No way could my husband go because he was about to deploy for 3 months.
He didn’t even blink. Helped me figure out that there is 1 direct flight from HI to Toronto and it was easy for family to pick me up.
Helped me figure out with the pediatrician the best way for her to fly and risk to her hearing etc. Pediatrician had no issue with her flying that young.
My husband and I talked about how different she was going to be, but he already knew that. I was going to be alone with her anyway while he was gone and he understood I needed the support and my family could support me better while I was with them.
That was before FaceTime and even Skype. He was able to call occasionally and that helped. I sent weekly snail mail and pictures so he could see her grow up.
You know what happened? We all survived. My husband and daughter have a wonderful relationship and I got the break I needed that I didn’t even understand I needed at that point because we were an ocean away and my mom had to leave when she was 3 weeks old.
I get you want to be there and see her grow, but don’t forget your wife also has needs and if you ‘forbid’ her, you may be having another conversation that you really don’t want to have.
Soft YTA as I don’t think you’ve truly thought it through.
NTA. I never would be OK with my husband taking my 5 month old baby on a month long trip. That’s ridiculous. A shorter trip would be much more reasonable.
No way would I be okay with my baby being taken away from me for a month at five months old. Your wife’s family should be offering to visit you guys while you still have such a little one.
NTA. I feel like it’s normal for a parent to have serious hesitation about leaving their 5 month old for so long. Isn’t it important bonding time too for baby & both parents???
Nobody is TA. It’s reasonable that she wants to go, but it’s also fair that you want to share your baby’s milestones.
My parents have never, ever talked about my first visit to a zoo or aquarium. It may seem like a big deal but in the frans scheme, it’s not. Let them go. Enjoy your month of quiet.
Take a spontaneous short weekend flight with her. There goes her first trip.
Besides flying from Europe to Australia and then back with a baby is not exactly fun.
Do you not have sunshine where you live? 😁😆 What do you mean by first sunshine?
NTA. Over my dead body would I be separated for a MONTH from my new baby.
NTA they aren’t treating you like you matter