I (29F) am divorced with an 9 year old daughter. My daughter’s father (32M) has been in a relationship with a woman named Stephanie for about 6 months now. She has two younger daughters (ages 4&5).
My ex-husband and I have had many conversations about how to ease my own child into their new “blended family” by making sure that she still has lots of time with her dad, not combining every single special event with the other kids, and keeping lines of communication open. Overall, the introduction has been positive, but my daughter has mentioned that the younger children can be overwhelming and sometimes annoying.
However, despite the conversations, every single special event has been blended, for lack of a better word.
We’re coming up on Halloween and my daughter has trick or treating plans with her best friend and her family. Halloween is my custody time.
My ex-husband asked if he could come and bring his new girlfriend and her children. I said no, as I wanted my daughter to be able to have time with her friend without having the other little kids in tow.
They are not officially her siblings in any way, and I feel that she deserves protected time just for her.
My ex husband says that I am purposely excluding his new girlfriend and that I should be more concerned that she doesn’t have many friends or others to go out with on that evening. I feel like that is not my problem and I am advocating for my own child without having her feel like she needs to people please or feel guilty. I am not asking my daughter her opinion as I do not want her to feel burdened with any guilt.
I did also invite them to the Halloween event at her school that same week to help initiate balance.
AITAH?
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I (29F) am divorced with an 9 year old daughter. My son’s father (32M) has been in a relationship with a woman named Stephanie for about 6 months now. She has two younger daughters (ages 4&5).
My ex-husband and I have had many conversations about how to ease my own child into their new “blended family” by making sure that she still has lots of time with her dad, not combining every single special event with the other kids, and keeping lines of communication open. Overall, the introduction has been positive, but my daughter has mentioned that the younger children can be overwhelming and sometimes annoying.
However, despite the conversations, every single special event has been blended, for lack of a better word.
We’re coming up on Halloween and my daughter has trick or treating plans with her best friend and her family. Halloween is my custody time. I
My ex-husband asked if he could come and bring his new girlfriend and her children. I said no, as I wanted my daughter to be able to have time with her friend without having the other little kids in tow.
They are not officially her siblings in any way, and I feel that she deserves protected time just for her.
My ex husband says that I am purposely excluding his new girlfriend and that I should be more concerned that she doesn’t have many friends or others to go out with on that evening. I feel like that is not my problem and I am advocating for my own child without having her feel like she needs to people please or feel guilty. I am not asking my daughter her opinion as I do not want her to feel burdened with any guilt.
I did also invite them to the Halloween event at her school that same week to help initiate balance.
AITAH?
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> I might be the asshole by not including my ex’s new girlfriend and her kids on Halloween. This might make me the asshole if I am seen as purposely excluding her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Nta. As with any type of this, the only thing that counts is what your daughter wants.
I’m not sure what your son’s father has to do with your daughter?
NTA-a great job advocating for your child!
He said you should be concerned his gf doesn’t have friends?
Why? You’re not her parent. Nor friend nor family.
Make sure you keep taking to your kid and letting them know they can freely tell you their thoughts on the new additions to their dad’s household.
NTA. Halloween is your holiday this year and you have the right to do as you like. You are not required to include his new girlfriend and her children. You aren’t even required to include dad if it comes right down to it.
NTA it’s your custody time this should not even be a topic for discussion.
NTA, you’re good.
Wait, you’re excluding the girlfriend?
Is he expecting you to be her friend? Or to introduce her to the parents of your daughter’s friend in the hopes that they like her and want to be friends with her?
That’s crazy, you are not responsible for her making new friends.
Nta. You’re prioritizing your kid, which is your job. But also in what world is it your problem that your exes gf doesn’t have friends??
NTA, also, it’s WAY too soon in their relationship to even introduce the kids. I think you are fine to put your foot down about Halloween. Your ex’s new girlfriend’s social life is not something you need to cater to.
NTA.
Your ex is prioritizing his new GFs kids, and not his own Daughter. He’s more concerned with keeping them happy, and trying to force a happy family scenario. It’s great that he wants to be a good step-dad, but trying to force harmony in a blended family rarely works. You have to let it happen naturally. And sometimes it just doesn’t.
Hard No, that your 9 year-old should go with anyone but her friends. 4 & 5 is not even close to 9! If they were her siblings since they were born, that would be one thing, but she barely knows them. Good for you for sticking up for your child and you’re NTA.
NTA, I think it would be one thing if it was just you and your daughter going trick or treating, and your ex asked to come and bring his new gf and her kids. But even then you’d have every right to say no since it’s your custody time. But you’ve made it sound like your daughter has special plans with a friend and that friends family. So it’s weird for your ex to even ask if he could come.
Anyway, you’re not really excluding his girlfriend. You’re excluding her children with good reason. NTA
Yes, I am excluding you all. No, excluding people from a single event is not universally bad. And no, it is not my responsibility to give your GF friends.
Kids get to have their own life apart from siblings, and individuals get to have their own lives at any age. That’s not too much before the ages my kids started trick or treating separately in our own neighborhood anyway, because the age gap is about to become a very relevant maturity gap.
>My ex-husband and I have had many conversations about how to ease my own child into their new “blended family” by making sure that she still has lots of time with her dad, not combining every single special event with the other kids
This is your custody time, with your daughter and her best friend. On top of that, this falls well within the agreed terms of “blending”, and inclusion. Time apart matters.
>My ex husband says that I am purposely excluding his new girlfriend
>I am advocating for my own child without having her feel like she needs to people please or feel guilty
I emphasized the last part of this quote as I feel like your ex’s girlfriend’s insecurity will be taken out on your daughter, via guilt and emotional manipulation. I would even go further to suggest the girlfriend would use her own children, poisoning them against your daughter to punish you.
NTA, obviously, and chat with your family lawyer again to reaffirm the boundaries your ex is pushing.
>My ex husband says that I am purposely excluding his new girlfriend
Yes, you are. And that’s allowed. You didn’t have any say in choosing this woman, you have no attachment to her, you’re not her friend or relative. If you didn’t have a child with this woman’s current significant other, you two would not be involved in each other’s lives in any way, shape or form. How are you the asshole for not wanting to include her and her kids in your time with your child?
Your ex gets to choose who is involved in his life, but not who is involved in yours. That’s part of being an ex lol. This is something you need to nip in the bud, because he’s doing everything he can to control YOU, and to undermine your independence from him.
You and him are no longer together. Time for him to act like it. You can coparent together, sure, but that’s where it ends. His relationship with his new girlfriend and her kids has absolutely nothing to do with you. You don’t even need to convince him of that, but you DO need to enforce it.
Going with NTA here. I usually side with the fathers because many mothers on here treat them like second-class citizens but everything in your post makes sense.
NTA, you are not responsible for gf not having friends. Your daughter is not responsible for the gf not having any friends.
I would be keeping track of any odd behaviour. I feel like this isn’t going to go well.
NTA, your ex trying to push his GF and her kids on your daughter is more likely to have her resenting all of them and you if you let them do it. Additionally, tell ex that one good friend is better than ten “friends”.
NTA. New girlfriend doesn’t want new friends, she just doesn’t wanna have to watch her own kids.
NTA – as a former 9-year-old (many, many years ago), I would not have wanted to trick-or-treat with 4 & 5 year-olds. That’s when you’re just getting into the pivotal pillowcase-filling candy years and running around the neighborhood with your friends!
It’s awesome you’re doing your best to keep the peace. The ex calling it a “blended family”, only 6months into dating this person, is deserving of some side eye… Your daughter shouldn’t have to give up her own childhood moments and memories for such a brand new relationship. Way to advocate for her 🎉🎃💫
Why can’t he and his new girlfriend take her kids tricks or treating?
Why do you have to be a parent to the 4 of them as well as your own child?
I hate these men who think their ex owes them and their new partner a friendship and blurred boundaries because of something that’s fully in their control to resolve that has nothing to do with the ex. She doesn’t have friends, okay she can make them with other parents of 4 and 5 year old children. None of those parents needs to be you.
NTA
NTA.
You are prioritizing your daughter’s needs and her right to enjoy Halloween with her friends without feeling overwhelmed by younger children. Halloween during your custody time is your daughter’s special time, and it is reasonable to protect that space for her. You are not preventing your ex’s girlfriend or her children from participating in other activities; you even invited them to a school event earlier in the week to maintain inclusivity.
Your ex-husband’s concern about “excluding” Stephanie is misplaced. Your decision is about your daughter’s comfort and emotional well-being, not about being unfair to the new girlfriend. Protecting your child from situations where she might feel stressed or pressured is responsible parenting.
You are advocating for your child’s needs, and that does not make you the asshole.
NTA for supporting your daughter.
It sounds like this is going to become a huge issue in the future. II don’t know what would be suggested. A child advocate maybe? Calling your court system or your lawyer for advice in handling this delicate situation would be warranted. Therapist? I would really get advice from the lawyer or courts, in case this gets messy. You want someone that is approved and will support your daughter’s interest. Someone that will help your ex to respect your daughter’s boundaries.
NTA- but a conversation needs to be had about his expectations on blending. The new gf & her kids are not your family and any & all blending he wants to do needs to be done on his parenting time. And he needs to know not to guilt your child or put his gf’s feelings or her kids feelings on your child as tho its her responsibility. All he will do is make her reject them
NTA maybe reframe it as you’re not excluding his new girlfriend, you’re just being extra protective of your custody time and he’s welcome to do some Halloween activities earlier in October on his time (we got a marathon Halloween month with like 5 weekends).
I know it’s not like best practices to explicitly disallow the other parent from being present during your custody time that is that not well within your rights? Maybe it’s different because it’s a holiday but personally I feel like if he’s going to make this about her than you can just make it about him “sorry you’re not invited”