Not so much heard, but how it was said. I once did the horizontal no pants dance with a girl and did such a good job that her dialect changed. Quite proud of that one tbh.
My friend was once blacked out at a frat party and was in a dark room with a girl and asked her “does my girlfriend know about this?”, a light turned on, it was his girlfriend.
We were going at it, she said its amazing and that she loves me, I responded: ye i guess i like you too, youre ok.
Obv sexy time was instantly over xD.
She got angry with me, i pretended to be a sleep in less than 3 secodns after… And tomorrow morning i got scolded for being rude xd
Midway through, he tried to whisper something sexy and ended up saying,you smell like … laundry detergent. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be flattered 😂😂
Pre-transition I was having sex with a girl and in the act, made the comment “my pussy.” She naturally got confused and said something like “this is my pussy. I just let you use it.”
The other day we set up an emergency wristband for my wife’s grandma. One that sends a text with a location and also calls the emergency contacts if it detects the wearer falling down.
Well… We were going at it and had the thing charging on the headpiece of the bed. So when I realized we could have knocked it down and had people listening in because of that wristband, we both burst in laughter and had to stop…
When I was a lot younger my girlfriend at the time went to reverse cowgirl me. As she got above me and got on, a lorry outside started beeping and repeating “this vehicle is reversing”. I really did crack up.
Was very drunkingly going at it, as I climaxed I couldn’t help but release from both ends, ended up being the loudest fart I think I’ve ever produced. As soon as my ass-roar was done, all I could manage to say was “I’m so sorry” and her only response was “It’s cool, bro.”
We both spend a lot of time on Reddit, so one time I decided to drop the most famous Reddit dirty talk fail line of all time just to see what would happen. We both ended up laughing so hard we had to stop.
I (white Irish guy) had sex with a Muslim girl once and when all was said and done and we rolled off each other I quietly said “allahu akbar”. Needless to say she started hitting and slapping me while laughing the whole time.
A long series of rhythmic fart sounds of air escaping her pussy with each thrust. We both started cracking up but kept at it because we were both close. We laughed, we came, we laughed some more.
It was in an AskReddit thread about dirty talk (Link to comment):
>Not me, but an old friend of mine.
>Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.
>He’s dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He’s hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn’t dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they’ll revisit the idea another time.
>Anyway…they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can’t think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.
>He comes up with: “Yeah…you like that, you fucking retard?”
>He’s never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.
My girlfriend tied up standing on one leg the other one lifted and tied up in a ring hanging from the roof once said randomly, “if a fart really hard, would I spin around?”
We had a movie playing for background noise. I was already high. It was Ted 2. I heard mark wahlburg tell someone he hoped his kids got the bird flu and just fucking lost it. Laughed so hard I couldn’t keep going. Ruined the mood but looking back I stand by my laugh. It was funny.
It was embarrassing for me but hilarious for my gf at the time but midway through sex I stopped and said “Fuck I gotta take a shit” and left to handle my business lol.
We accidentally left a very angry review of a frozen meal playing on YouTube on the tv. The dude hated it and was comparing it to some interesting, very unsexy things
not during sex, but while having this girl im seeing over, we were watching baby driver and like stuff was getting steamy or whatever, and i stopped and just made a joke about deaf people having sex and how they probably sign language during it to moan or like say something feels good. killed the mood a a bit but we had a good laugh.
She was new, and unexpectedly broke out some breeding kink stuff, and said something like “i want you to breed me” and me, not 100% knowing what to say, but also not wanting to skip a beat, said “oh yeah, i’m gonna put twins in you.” We had to stop for a second to laugh.
So we got back from Saturday grocery shopping and felt a nap coming on, but once we got horizontal one thing lead to another and she ends up on top of me. Absolutely rocks my world; sweet talking hip shaking ass bouncing and everything.
Once I “lose it” and calm down I take a deep breath and utter an exasperated “heavens to Betsy!”
She proceeds to laugh her great ass off and calls me a dandy boy before we fall asleep in a heep and catch maybe 3 hours of sleep.
This was 3 years ago, and she’ll never let me forget.
My wife and I were just finishing up in doggy (vaginal, not anal, this is important).
I had accidentally used a bit more lube than intended so I was wiping her off and said “I got lube all over your butt”. She freaked out and said “what do you mean!? How?!” And I responded “I spilled a little lube”.
She began laughing and said “I thought you said you got poop all over my butt.” We both had a good laugh.
Renaissance Faire. Escorting a friend to the porta-potty, because it was very dark and drunk out. From a nearby tent we heard “YES! Fuck me like a badger!” That was 30 years ago and I can still crack her up with it.
One time myself and a buddy (both men) were having a threesome with a woman. He left the room for a minute and when he came back he called me gay when he saw me eating her pussy. The context of the situation had me and the woman cracking up.
It was really late at night and I was with my first girlfriend. Casually dropped “do you want tea” while having sex caus I started to fall asleep and I was like dreaming or something.
Lol my ex always said he wanted me to talk dirty to him , but I was too embarrassed , I finally did and the fucker laughs at me. Can’t remember what I said though lol
One time my wife and I were having sex and music was playing in the background. Then as she’s about to reach her climax, Diana Ross’ “I’m coming out” starts playing at the perfect time. We laughed for a solid ten minutes, I didn’t even get to finish but it’s one of my favorite moments in my memory.
It was when I lost my virginity. My girlfriend was on top. Once I was inside her she immediately said “There goes your virginity. It flew away.” And she added some flying away movements with her hands. She still cracks herself up every single time she thinks about it. We didn’t even really have sex because we couldn’t stop laughing. I just couldn’t get hard. At least the second time was much more successful. I love that woman.
Very drunk me smashing fellow drunk chick leads to it slipping out in doggy, with broken condom in tow. She, proceeds to grab my dick while trying to be seductive and says, “what should I do with this?” I proceed to yell, “put it in the hole that won’t get you pregnant.”
One time during a sexual lull in my relationship I attempted to do the naked man move(see, how I met your mother) and as I waited for her for leave the restroom I laid on the bed mildly attending myself to be at least half mast.
Finally I hear her leave from the bathroom but it’s with a plea for help to come into the restroom. I feared and contemplated whether to redress myself and enter the bathroom or to just go in bare…… I decided going bare. And as I entered said bathroom I was met with an overflowing toilet due to a clog.
She stared at me naked, I stared at her vulnerable and scared as she had just decimated our poor toilet. We shared a fun moment of me unclogging the toilet at half mast while laughing at the situation I was trying to make happen. Overall no sexy time happened but we had a good laugh that even after separating still have a good laugh about from time to time
Lying in bed pretending to sleep as my bestie got it on.
2 great quotes
“Fuck me stupid”
And
“I’m a bit tight so just shove it in”
Both will live in my head forever.
My wife decided to be a stand comedian one time, because for some reason she got giggles about the previous conversation. So it became 10 minutes of me laughing our asses off (she was historically laughing) while I was still balls deep in.
Comments
my wife called me Messi…
You just got pickled
Not so much heard, but how it was said. I once did the horizontal no pants dance with a girl and did such a good job that her dialect changed. Quite proud of that one tbh.
Whoever has done this would know, I have not done this yet. 😂😂
He said: “your mom made you well” 😀
What happen to your dick it looks very tiny
it’s not about me
but someone after sex told their sex partner : It would’ve been better if I’d jerked off
“I love you”
Guys have always said this as soon as getting inside me for the first time, it’s funny bc they’re having a blast and I’m unimpressed 9/10 times.
My friend was once blacked out at a frat party and was in a dark room with a girl and asked her “does my girlfriend know about this?”, a light turned on, it was his girlfriend.
This is all I got
We were going at it, she said its amazing and that she loves me, I responded: ye i guess i like you too, youre ok.
Obv sexy time was instantly over xD.
She got angry with me, i pretended to be a sleep in less than 3 secodns after… And tomorrow morning i got scolded for being rude xd
I once had a Barbie doll placed between my boobs while my partner sang Barbie Girl.
“You like that you fucking retard?”
I like ending with “good job, someone should give you a raise”
Midway through, he tried to whisper something sexy and ended up saying,you smell like … laundry detergent. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be flattered 😂😂
Pre-transition I was having sex with a girl and in the act, made the comment “my pussy.” She naturally got confused and said something like “this is my pussy. I just let you use it.”
I have my own these days.
I Love You And No Dam WELL If I Said Thag It Would be Chaos
She spanked my ass and said, “Use the force!” We just saw The Force Awakens in IMAX.
Another time I received a text right after we finished sex. The notification sound was a lightsaber igniting.
Me: There goes my lightsaber.
Her: Yeah it went down quick.
Me: My phone!
Her: Ohh!
Whilst giving oral to a girl. None of that fancy shit. Horse it on in there.
In a horny fugue state I uttered “thank you for your service.” The person I was fucking was a firefighter/EMT.
Had a woman change her voice in a hilarious tone. That stop the fun because I was laughing too hard.
The other day we set up an emergency wristband for my wife’s grandma. One that sends a text with a location and also calls the emergency contacts if it detects the wearer falling down.
Well… We were going at it and had the thing charging on the headpiece of the bed. So when I realized we could have knocked it down and had people listening in because of that wristband, we both burst in laughter and had to stop…
Was a pretty awkward moment tbh.
“im a guy” funniest chick I’ve ever took home
So I’m having sex with a girl and she says I can’t wait for you to put it in me.
a fart
WRONG HOLE!
When I was a lot younger my girlfriend at the time went to reverse cowgirl me. As she got above me and got on, a lorry outside started beeping and repeating “this vehicle is reversing”. I really did crack up.
We were at a resort. The bed shifted and hit the wall. I said, ” we’ve run a ground maty!” We’re had to stop because she was laughing so hard.
“WHOA NO WAY!”
Second time I ever saw a penis in real life, first time seeing one uncut.
“Are you gonna leave if I fart right now?”
No. No I will not. Full send, no half measures.
We had Invader Zim on in the background and just as things were getting going we suddenly hear “BEES?!”
In the height of passion and affection, I suddenly needed to know her middle name. So I asked. It’s Marie.
“Better him than me!” From Homer Simpson. It was a notification from the Tapped Out game.
In the throes of orgasm she screamed JAASOOOON!!! My name is not Jason.
Was very drunkingly going at it, as I climaxed I couldn’t help but release from both ends, ended up being the loudest fart I think I’ve ever produced. As soon as my ass-roar was done, all I could manage to say was “I’m so sorry” and her only response was “It’s cool, bro.”
Looney Toons “That’s all folks” theme
“Ahh Im gonna cum on your face”
misses entirely
“Uh..None on your face…”
Father in my local language ,🤣
Ever seen one of those videos where a tortoise is banging a shoe or whatever? My wife and I will sometimes make that sound whenever we get off.
We both spend a lot of time on Reddit, so one time I decided to drop the most famous Reddit dirty talk fail line of all time just to see what would happen. We both ended up laughing so hard we had to stop.
I want to put your big balls in my mouth and hum a song. Cracked me up
I (white Irish guy) had sex with a Muslim girl once and when all was said and done and we rolled off each other I quietly said “allahu akbar”. Needless to say she started hitting and slapping me while laughing the whole time.
she moaned my name… problem was, it wasn’t my name. It was >!chris!<
“Will that be for here or to go?”
In an old apartment building in Brooklyn, I heard the old man next door yell through the wall “keep going kid, you’re doing great “
A long series of rhythmic fart sounds of air escaping her pussy with each thrust. We both started cracking up but kept at it because we were both close. We laughed, we came, we laughed some more.
It was in an AskReddit thread about dirty talk (Link to comment):
>Not me, but an old friend of mine.
>Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.
>He’s dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He’s hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn’t dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they’ll revisit the idea another time.
>Anyway…they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can’t think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.
>He comes up with: “Yeah…you like that, you fucking retard?”
>He’s never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.
My girlfriend tied up standing on one leg the other one lifted and tied up in a ring hanging from the roof once said randomly, “if a fart really hard, would I spin around?”
Raging ADHD, lovely humor.
loud queefs
’Baby got back’ started playing in a movie we had in the background, both of us started laughing
We had a movie playing for background noise. I was already high. It was Ted 2. I heard mark wahlburg tell someone he hoped his kids got the bird flu and just fucking lost it. Laughed so hard I couldn’t keep going. Ruined the mood but looking back I stand by my laugh. It was funny.
I said “Look at those sexy legs” while in the throes of passion. And she started singing this: https://youtu.be/RxoaM3Jm9jw?feature=shared
It was embarrassing for me but hilarious for my gf at the time but midway through sex I stopped and said “Fuck I gotta take a shit” and left to handle my business lol.
We accidentally left a very angry review of a frozen meal playing on YouTube on the tv. The dude hated it and was comparing it to some interesting, very unsexy things
“Wait until my pals on askreddit hear about this!”
not during sex, but while having this girl im seeing over, we were watching baby driver and like stuff was getting steamy or whatever, and i stopped and just made a joke about deaf people having sex and how they probably sign language during it to moan or like say something feels good. killed the mood a a bit but we had a good laugh.
Did u cum?
She was new, and unexpectedly broke out some breeding kink stuff, and said something like “i want you to breed me” and me, not 100% knowing what to say, but also not wanting to skip a beat, said “oh yeah, i’m gonna put twins in you.” We had to stop for a second to laugh.
FUCK okay my lady brings this up all the time.
So we got back from Saturday grocery shopping and felt a nap coming on, but once we got horizontal one thing lead to another and she ends up on top of me. Absolutely rocks my world; sweet talking hip shaking ass bouncing and everything.
Once I “lose it” and calm down I take a deep breath and utter an exasperated “heavens to Betsy!”
She proceeds to laugh her great ass off and calls me a dandy boy before we fall asleep in a heep and catch maybe 3 hours of sleep.
This was 3 years ago, and she’ll never let me forget.
My wife and I were just finishing up in doggy (vaginal, not anal, this is important).
I had accidentally used a bit more lube than intended so I was wiping her off and said “I got lube all over your butt”. She freaked out and said “what do you mean!? How?!” And I responded “I spilled a little lube”.
She began laughing and said “I thought you said you got poop all over my butt.” We both had a good laugh.
Renaissance Faire. Escorting a friend to the porta-potty, because it was very dark and drunk out. From a nearby tent we heard “YES! Fuck me like a badger!” That was 30 years ago and I can still crack her up with it.
Was making a sex tape and during she said “you’re so big…” and I immediately responded with “I’m glad we’ve got that on the record”.
“Fireball” then hummed the song by Pitbull. We both laughed incredibly hard
Multiple “I’m Batman”’s in the voice
Not mine.. but in the history of reddit.
Not my comment
“I want you to lick my vagina then fuck me hard with that penis of yours”
One time myself and a buddy (both men) were having a threesome with a woman. He left the room for a minute and when he came back he called me gay when he saw me eating her pussy. The context of the situation had me and the woman cracking up.
While in a very intense session he said, “aren’t I the best you’ve ever had?” Lmao!!! I thought to myself. Maybe top 10?…
I rubbed my eye and it made this squeaking nose
The sound a USB key makes when it’s removed
It was really late at night and I was with my first girlfriend. Casually dropped “do you want tea” while having sex caus I started to fall asleep and I was like dreaming or something.
It was so fun omg
Lol my ex always said he wanted me to talk dirty to him , but I was too embarrassed , I finally did and the fucker laughs at me. Can’t remember what I said though lol
GF at the time was not the best at dirty talk but she tried though. I remember this gem:
“Fuck! Fuck you! No – WAIT! I didn’t mean ‘fuck you.’ I meant you keep fucking me… Just keep fucking like that. Stop laughing at me.”
Say my name. Ohh Steve. No, itsa me, MARIO
“chat clip that”
One time my wife and I were having sex and music was playing in the background. Then as she’s about to reach her climax, Diana Ross’ “I’m coming out” starts playing at the perfect time. We laughed for a solid ten minutes, I didn’t even get to finish but it’s one of my favorite moments in my memory.
It was when I lost my virginity. My girlfriend was on top. Once I was inside her she immediately said “There goes your virginity. It flew away.” And she added some flying away movements with her hands. She still cracks herself up every single time she thinks about it. We didn’t even really have sex because we couldn’t stop laughing. I just couldn’t get hard. At least the second time was much more successful. I love that woman.
Very drunk me smashing fellow drunk chick leads to it slipping out in doggy, with broken condom in tow. She, proceeds to grab my dick while trying to be seductive and says, “what should I do with this?” I proceed to yell, “put it in the hole that won’t get you pregnant.”
Wife and I are the same age. Both grew up with Spyro the Dragon
After we were done, I said, “Thank you for releasing me!”
Needless to say, it ruined that line for both of us lol
I was trying to say “oh, daddy” but my mouth and brain glitched out at the same time and I just stopped at “oh, dad.”
One time during a sexual lull in my relationship I attempted to do the naked man move(see, how I met your mother) and as I waited for her for leave the restroom I laid on the bed mildly attending myself to be at least half mast.
Finally I hear her leave from the bathroom but it’s with a plea for help to come into the restroom. I feared and contemplated whether to redress myself and enter the bathroom or to just go in bare…… I decided going bare. And as I entered said bathroom I was met with an overflowing toilet due to a clog.
She stared at me naked, I stared at her vulnerable and scared as she had just decimated our poor toilet. We shared a fun moment of me unclogging the toilet at half mast while laughing at the situation I was trying to make happen. Overall no sexy time happened but we had a good laugh that even after separating still have a good laugh about from time to time
My ex once said (fully sober) “you’re gonna wanna be down hill for this putt” I paused but then just had to roll with it.
Whenever I finish I roll over and jokingly say
“Get away from me, you disgust me!”
Not everyone finds it funny, I should maybe stop!
“that’s what it feels like to chew 5 gum”
Chewbacca sounds (on purpose)
“You had no business fucking me like that”
I heard a guy whispering a prep talk to his dick before coming in the bedroom.
I didn’t heard everything but that was something like :
You can do it, be hard like a rock this time…. Something something… You are a brave dick..
Not gonna lie, I was not expecting anything good after that… But he was in fact good😂
Is it in yet?
Lying in bed pretending to sleep as my bestie got it on.
2 great quotes
“Fuck me stupid”
And
“I’m a bit tight so just shove it in”
Both will live in my head forever.
My wife decided to be a stand comedian one time, because for some reason she got giggles about the previous conversation. So it became 10 minutes of me laughing our asses off (she was historically laughing) while I was still balls deep in.
My partner finished on top of me, fills my bellybutton with cum, & I excitedly said “hole-in-one!” We still bring it up & laugh about it.
I started calling his belly button “children’s swimming pool” after giving him “manual labour”