For a little background: my cousin jen had her baby in secret. Nobody knew she pregnant until about two or three months after she gave birth. One day, she and my aunt came to my house and showed us the baby. Needless to say, we were excited and happy but also but my family and I were shocked, but we didn’t say anything because it really wasn’t our business.
Now a year later, it was Mother’s Day. Like some families were planning to get together. Two days before Mother’s Day, my aunt Alisha came over to invite us to a party on the same day as Mother’s Day and before she left, she asked how my aunt Beth felt about being a grandma. We were surprised because, for context, Jen still wants to keep her baby a secret and doesn’t want anyone outside of close family to know.
My aunt Alisha told us not to lie because she saw Jen with the baby at a store. All my mom said was, “Yes, she’s happy to be a grandma,” and then my aunt left and that was truly it.
On Mother’s Day, Jen and Beth dropped off some chicken at our house for my mom to cook. My mom told them that Aunt Alisha knew about the baby and had seen them at the store. Jen started crying, told my mom to shut up and not talk about it because it was going to ruin her day, and asked why Aunt Alisha had to know. They ended up leaving and didn’t come back for the gathering.
The next day, Aunt Beth sent my mom a message basically saying that people were talking badly about Jen and the baby, that they were extremely hurt, and that we had ruined Jen’s first Mother’s Day. She also said the whole situation could have been avoided. My mom didn’t reply because we honestly don’t think we did anything wrong we felt like they were being dramatic.
Now it’s September, and they still haven’t reached out to us like they normally would. My mom has tried calling Aunt Beth three times to talk about it, but she doesn’t answer and just sends the calls to voicemail. I told my mom not to reach out again unless they make the first move, because I really don’t think we did anything wrong. It’s not our fault they wanted to keep the baby a secret.
So my question is: Am I the asshole here? If I am, what did I do wrong? And if I’m not, what should I do? I really miss them, especially the baby. It’s been really sad to miss the baby’s first birthday and everything else in their life. ( the baby father is still in picture btw ) ( the only reason I can think of why she wanted to keep the baby a secret is because she use to talk a lot of crap of teen moms or just people who have baby’s before marriage ) ( my aunt Alisha is like the “ crazy aunt” they didn’t like her because usually my aunt Alisha talks about her problems 24/7) ( we did tell her on mother day because that’s when we saw them and we just truly thought it wasn’t a big deal )
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For a little background: my cousin jen had her baby in secret. Nobody knew she pregnant until about two or three months after she gave birth. One day, she and my aunt came to my house and showed us the baby. Needless to say, we were excited and happy but also but my family and I were shocked, but we didn’t say anything because it really wasn’t our business.
Now a year later, it was Mother’s Day. Like some families were planning to get together. Two days before Mother’s Day, my aunt Alisha came over to invite us to a party on the same day as Mother’s Day and before she left, she asked how my aunt Beth felt about being a grandma. We were surprised because, for context, Jen still wants to keep her baby a secret and doesn’t want anyone outside of close family to know.
My aunt Alisha told us not to lie because she saw Jen with the baby at a store. All my mom said was, “Yes, she’s happy to be a grandma,” and then my aunt left and that was truly it.
On Mother’s Day, Jen and Beth dropped off some chicken at our house for my mom to cook. My mom told them that Aunt Alisha knew about the baby and had seen them at the store. Jen started crying, told my mom to shut up and not talk about it because it was going to ruin her day, and asked why Aunt Alisha had to know. They ended up leaving and didn’t come back for the gathering.
The next day, Aunt Beth sent my mom a message basically saying that people were talking badly about Jen and the baby, that they were extremely hurt, and that we had ruined Jen’s first Mother’s Day. She also said the whole situation could have been avoided. My mom didn’t reply because we honestly don’t think we did anything wrong we felt like they were being dramatic.
Now it’s September, and they still haven’t reached out to us like they normally would. My mom has tried calling Aunt Beth three times to talk about it, but she doesn’t answer and just sends the calls to voicemail. I told my mom not to reach out again unless they make the first move, because I really don’t think we did anything wrong. It’s not our fault they wanted to keep the baby a secret.
So my question is: Am I the asshole here? If I am, what did I do wrong? And if I’m not, what should I do? I really miss them, especially the baby. It’s been really sad to miss the baby’s first birthday and everything else in their life.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My cousin is making me feel like I did something wrong because she hasn’t talked to us and she cried because my other aunt had found out about her baby
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to keep someone’s big and very obvious secret.
All I can think is maybe the baby is the result of rape? Even so, they need counseling. Are they planning to hide the baby forever? Are they ashamed of her being a single mother? If that’s the case, then she should have given the baby up for adoption.
NTA. How long does your cousin plan to keep this child a secret? And why is she so bothered about Aunt Alisha knowing?
NTA – this is a very strange situation. The baby is almost one. I don’t know how you keep this baby a secret for that long. Aunt Alisha put you in a strange situation and you did nothing wrong.
NTA
At some point, people were going to find out and seeing her out with the baby was definitely how it was going to happen. Did she expect to keep a whole child secret forever? Odd that she kept the entire pregnancy a secret, but that’s whatever since pregnancy can be stressful and they may not want to deal with other people. But it’s not like you went around telling everyone about it.
If people are talking badly about her, that is a direct consequence of her locking them out of a significant piece of information (and continuing to do so) that they would have appreciated knowing. Are they entitled to details about someone’s life? No. But if the family is not toxic or harmful or anything, there is not really a reason to not do the reveal once the baby is born to the family generally.
If she and her mom are icing you out via call, maybe try a text or email or social media DM or something (assuming you aren’t blocked) and ask to discuss it since you never intended to hurt her feelings but wanted her to know that her secret had been compromised.
Why did she want to keep the baby a secret? Why are they upset beth saw the baby at the store? Are they upset you guys are in contact with her mom?
The only time I ever knew of someone keeping a baby a secret was because the father was a gang member. He was really dangerous and they didn’t want him to know about the baby.
NTA. You and your mom did nothing wrong here. I’m not sure how Jen thinks she can realistically keep a 1 year old a secret when she is out and about with her child in areas where family and people who know her also live. You and your mom did not spill any secret, Jen just got “caught” out with her baby and if any drama ensued from Aunt Alisha knowing, that’s also not your fault because Aunt Alsha came to that conclusion on her own.
YTA
Why tell this woman on Mother’s Day that y’all specifically did what you were asked not to do? YTA for that, whatever else is happening here, and it feels like there are massive significant gaps in this story, but if this woman is not close enough to your cousin to simply approach and ask herself, there’s a reason she’s keeping it a secret, and not respecting that to the best of your ability makes y’all the assholes, and your aunt is, to boot, for digging around for info she is clearly being deprived for a reason.
NTA if they wanted to keep the secret they should have tried harder not your responsibility to keep it
NTA.
You didn’t tell them. They already knew. You didn’t bring it up, you responded. It probably would have been better to “play dumb”, but not an a-hole move to do what you did.
I get that it might LOOK bad, but you didn’t spill the beans, and the people who were trying to keep it a secret weren’t living in reality, to be honest.
Info: won’t change my ruling, but why were they trying to keep it a secret?? Seems weird.
NTA
Your mom didn’t expose anything. Aunt Alisha already knew because she saw Jen with the baby in public. All your mom did was confirm what Alisha had literally witnessed with her own eyes.
Jen is upset because she wants to control the narrative and keep the baby a secret, but once she was out in public with the baby, that was no longer realistic. It’s not your family’s fault that people know.
At worst, your mom could have phrased it differently, but nothing she said was malicious. Jen and Beth choosing to cut off contact over this is them being overly sensitive, not you doing something wrong.
If you miss them, you can leave the door open (“we’d love to see you when you’re ready”), but you don’t owe them repeated apologies for something that wasn’t your fault.
NTA. Alisha saw Jen and the baby at the store. How is that your fault? If she didn’t want anyone in the family to know about the baby, she shouldn’t take it out where the family could see it.
NTA. This is completely off the rails weird. It’s not your Mom’s issue, have Aunt Beth tend to it, maybe she can calm the storm. Whatever is Jen’s problem, she needs to work it out or get over it and I think you and your mom should just stay out of it until she does.
If you don’t want people to know you had a baby, then maybe you should have given the baby up for adoption. It is completely irrational to keep a child but expect no one to notice you have a baby.
Is this other aunt dangerous or cut off or something?
NTA. You & your mother did nothing wrong, the other aunt found out from someone else. The real question is just how your cousin thinks she can keep the existence of her baby a secret. Which leads to why is she trying to keep it secret? Which in turn leads to is she trying to keep it secret because of who the father is? Which then leads to why would the father be controversial? It’s like an onion with neverending layers.
NTA
Jen was walking around with her baby at store where Aunt Alisha saw them. Sounds like, any other family members, friends or neighbors can see them and wonder who the baby is and ask.
How long do Jen and her mom (aunt Beth) really think they can hide the baby from everyone, and do they have real good reason to believe that’s best for the baby?
INFO:
Is Jen no or low contact with the aunt? Did she just want to keep the secret from HER?
Weird that aunt would see her at the store and jump to “wow, my niece I had no idea was pregnant is with a baby, must be hers.” Most people would assume she’s babysitting. Aunt saw her while pregnant or heard rumors.
Um if she was seen out at the shops with the baby, how is the baby a “secret” ?
Did she kidnap the baby or something ? this is so weird
NTA, your cousin is keeping an entire human being a secret for some unknown reason. If this blows up in her face, oh well, there’s a reason most people do not keep an entire separate human being a secret, especially for more than a year. Your cousin is strange.
NTA
How long does she plan to keep this baby a secret? Is she planning to introduce it on its 21 birthday so everyone can raise a glass.
Why all the secrecy? Having a baby without being married is all the rage these days lol I’ve got 3! No stigma attached like in the early 1900s.
There is definitely more to this story than meet the eye.
NTA. If you cousin wanted to keep her baby a secret forever she should have moved far away from her entire family. Instead, she was out, in public, where everyone could see her and rhe baby. You and you mom didn’t “ruin” anything. You’re right they’re both being extremely dramatic and quite frankly ridiculous. Ignore them both. As in, don’t reach out. They don’t want a resolution they just want more drama.
What year is it 1950??? You can’t keep a baby a secret??
Ummm maybe Jen is going through PPD or something because her reaction seems very… odd. You might just have to wait this one out.
I mean, you didn’t say anything. Your aunt SAW her with the baby.
If your cousin wanted to keep it a secret, maybe don’t go out in public with your baby?
NTA.
Info: how old is Jen?
NTA. If you want to have a secret baby (why?) you shouldn’t take the baby out in the area where all your relatives live.