Hi, a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend (21F) and I (21F) broke up due to a big fight. For some background, we’ve been dating for 1.5 years and never really had any big fights. At this point, I had been getting slightly frustrated bc I felt like the relationship was more 80/20 in terms of care, affection, and overall support, and I didn’t feel very appreciated in everything I was doing for her. She became sick one night and started throwing up/having diarrhea. The first night she came upstairs (her room is downstairs and right by the bathroom) and woke me up to inform me she was going to puke. I went downstairs with her, sat with her while she threw up, and then laid with her in bed until she fell asleep. She woke me up again and wanted to go to the ER. They couldn’t do much for her besides give her anti-nausea medication and an IV bag of fluids. She was discharged and we went home.
I spent the next two days checking in on her frequently, getting her water, trying to get her to eat, all the usual sickness stuff. She says its the sickest she’s ever felt in her life and feels like she is going to die, but will not rehydrate or eat anything. I wanted to go home for the weekend (leave Sat morning, come back Sun night, so basically 36 hours) because there is nothing else I can do, and it will be months until I see them again (I am a student-athlete and have no break until Thanksgiving). She expressed that she wished I would stay, but again, was not doing anything really to help herself. She drank 18 oz in 24 hrs (the standard for a healthy human is around 72 oz). She was able to walk, has everything she needs food/medication-wise, and so I thought she would be fine. She had no other symptoms besides nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea – classic stomach bug stuff. I decided to go home anyway and come back the very next day.
She wakes me up the morning I am about to leave and is crying because she feels sick and wants someone to talk to. Mind you, she’s still contagious and is unnecessarily exposing me by coming into my room in the middle of the night. I take her downstairs, make her some toast, and some electrolytes. She refuses to eat or drink anything, and gets frustrated when I try to encourage her. I tell her that we should go back to the ER, but she says no. Soon, she is tired and says she wants to go back to sleep. I tell her to go to urgent care if she is still feeling bad in the morning. Mind you, she still has not listened to anything I’ve said and will not eat or drink anything. So I leave and go see my family.
I check in on her every 1-2 hours via call/text when I’m home. I find out that she went back to the ER, and it turns out she has Rotavirus. The only “cure” for Rotavirus is rehydration..exactly what I tried to get her to do for the past two days. I keep encouraging her to drink water and rest, and that I will be home the next day.
I come back and check on her the next day. She starts yelling at me for leaving her. I ask her what she would have wanted me to do, since clearly all the help I was giving her for those first two days was unhelpful. She said she just wanted me to be there for her. I thought I did a pretty good job of being there for her by calling and texting, as well ast trying to get her to go to the ER again, but maybe I’m wrong. When we were breaking up, she said, “You did so much, but it still wasn’t enough.” I thought that was strange considering everything I had done for her while she was sick. My friends and therapist have told me that me going home was perfectly reasonable, and that she should have been able to take care of herself. AITA for going to see my family for 36 hours, even though I tried to do everything I could think of to help my sick girlfriend?
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Hi, a couple of weeks ago my girlfriend (21F) and I (21F) broke up due to a big fight. She became sick one night and started throwing up/having diarrhea. The first night she came upstairs (her room is right by the bathroom) and woke me up to inform me she was going to puke. I went downstairs with her, sat with her while she threw up, and then laid with her in bed until she fell asleep. She woke me up again and wanted to go to the ER. They couldn’t do much for her besides give her anti-nausea medication and an IV bag of fluids. She was discharged and we went home.
I spent the next two days checking in on her frequently, getting her water, trying to get her to eat, all the usual sickness stuff. She says its the sickest she’s ever felt in her life and feels like she is going to die, but will not rehydrate or eat anything. I decide to go home for the weekend because there is nothing else I can do, and it will be months until I see them again (I am a student-athlete and have no break until Thanksgiving). She is able to walk, has everything she needs food/medication-wise, and so I thought she would be fine. She has no other symptoms besides nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea – classic stomach bug stuff.
She wakes me up the morning I am about to leave and is crying because she feels sick and wants someone to talk to. Mind you, she’s still contagious and is unnecessarily exposing me by coming into my room in the middle of the night. I take her downstairs, make her some toast, and some electrolytes. She refuses to eat or drink anything, and gets frustrated when I try to encourage her. I tell her that we should go back to the ER, but she says no. Soon, she is tired and says she wants to go back to sleep. I tell her to go to urgent care if she is still feeling bad in the morning. Mind you, she still has not listened to anything I’ve said and will not eat or drink anything. So I leave and go see my family.
I check in on her every 1-2 hours via call/text when I’m home. I find out that she went back to the ER, and it turns out she has Rotavirus. The only cure for Rotavirus is rehydration..exactly what I tried to get her to do for the past two days. I keep encouraging her to drink water and rest, and that I will be home the next day.
I come home and check on her the next day. She starts yelling at me for leaving her. I ask her what she would have wanted me to do, since clearly all the help I was giving her for those first two days was unhelpful. She said she just wanted me to be there for her. I thought I did a pretty good job of being there for her by calling and texting, as well ast trying to get her to go to the ER again, but maybe I’m wrong. AITA for going to see my family for 36 hours, even though I tried to do everything I could to help her?
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> I believe I might be the asshole because my sick girlfriend yelled at me when I left her for 36 hours to visit my family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
You went above and beyond for your girlfriend during her illness, staying up with her, helping her get to the ER, and checking in on her constantly. You made a reasonable decision to visit your family when she was able to care for herself and you were already doing everything you could remotely. Her frustration seems to stem from wanting constant in-person attention rather than acknowledging the care and effort you were providing. You were not abandoning her, you were maintaining your own life while still supporting her. Leaving for 36 hours under these circumstances is completely reasonable.
her stating that all u do for her still isnt enough is all u need to know. she doesnt want a partner she wants a caregiver
I went through norovirus myself last winter and it sounded just as horrid as what she/you described. It also made me fearful consuming anything for a couple of days straight. That being said, my husband forced me to drink water, told me even if it was the tiniest sips that I needed to keep trying. After about 8 ish hours I finally stopped throwing up and I listened to my husband despite my fears. You did what you could but ultimately if she didn’t listen, going to the ER the first time was the best for her to ensure no dehydration was happening.
You are NTA here for leaving to see your family, especially if she was just telling you no left and right. Her anger sounds to me a little more like she wanted you feeling just as miserable or to sit there and give her attention even if she refused to do anything to help herself. I spent most of my time going through that illness sleeping, if my husband left for 36 hours I probably would not have even noticed I was so out of it and exhausted from it all. Definitely not something worth starting a fight over if she was able to handle herself accordingly.
NTA.
You are not responsible for waiting on her hand and foot when she’s sick, especially when she wasn’t willing to do the work to get better. She wanted to be pampered and have someone she could boss around and blame for her feeling miserable.
You got lucky, my friend — you found out what she’s really like without having to spend more time. Be grateful you no longer have to cater to her.
NTA I get it, a stomach virus can feel like you’re dying, but this was not a life threatening situation. Part of me feels like she was trying to trap you. She’s an adult and chose not to take basic steps to get better. That’s on her.
You can’t help some people. If someone is dehydrated and won’t drink, there’s nothing you can do for them. NTA.
NTA- you did go above and beyond. going home for a night was reasonable given she had been evaluated medically, and had everything she needed to get through it.
especially given that you generally do not have the option go home and continued checking in with her.
i am sorry to hear things ended this way. it makes me wonder if she is estranged from her family or lacking in a support network, has significant anxiety around health issues or if this was bringing up some sort of painful past memory or experience.
Just curious – you live together but don’t sleep together? You don’t share a bed/bedroom?
NTA. She sounds like a nightmare. With people like her, there is never enough. No matter how much you do, with them, for them, they are still not happy with you saying it’s not enough. The thing is, they are the problem. They are a bottomless pit of need because they have no substance.
So obviously nta I feel like you know that though. You take what she said too seriously just know most of what she is doing and saying in front of you is for attention & to be manipulative. If she’s single and sick she wouldn’t have been so dramatic and would take care of herself for basic survival instincts. People like her are completely ridiculous and broken. Everyone has to learn to take care of themselves and be ok alone all within reason ….
Water doesn’t cure rotavirus. The immune system does, given a week or so. Water does keep you from dying, though. Rotavirus is a leading cause of death in some countries, and the deaths are generally due to dehydration. But I don’t blame her for not being able to drink anything. It’s as if you have never had a severe case of viral vomiting and diarrhea before, OP.
Probably NTA, but if you had the option to see your family another time (if it wasn’t a long trip and you’ve got work the rest of the week) and IF you weren’t burning out from care-giving, it would have been nice if you’d stayed with her.
She sounds difficult, but some people are just like that when they’re unwell.dehydration is pretty rough on the brain/body. If you are thinking of staying with this person for the rest of your life, factor this into the equation and accept that you’ll likely need to give her a bit more love and be a bit more patient when she’s unwell.
Noone is perfect, so just figure out if this behaviour is a deal breaker for you.
YTA for choosing to expose your family to a highly contagious disease.
NTA – Reading about a 21 yr waking up their partner to tell them they are about to throw up, before they actually puke, tells me all I need to know. It’s her world and you live in it.
She wants a parent, not a partner. Unless she can mature fast, you are in for years of stress, drama, and likely handling most of the mental and financial load of life between the both of you.
I shudder to think how she handles planning a wedding, going through pregnancy, in-law disagreements, and other adult things.
NT! You were trying to help her every step of the way, and she was fighting you every step. You couldn’t do anything for her; your hands were tied, so to speak.
ESH
She pretty clearly wanted someone to comfort her. All the practical things you were doing were good but caring for a sick person is more than just mechanically providing needed objects at the appropriate time. Just knowing someone else is there can be very helpful, especially if that someone is a loved one.
I also question the wisdom of wanting to go see family anyways when you’ve definitely been exposed to a highly contagious disease and could very well spread it to them. Removing anyone’s wants and desires from the equation, that’s kind of a dick move. Rotavirus isn’t fatal but bringing it as a present to a family gathering isn’t really a great maneuver. That alone would have been good enough reason to stay home.
For her part, her self care definitely could be better but more than that it’s important that she be able to articulate her needs. If she wants you there for the comfort, that’s fine, but she needs to tell you that. You’re not a psychic. Her comment was also fairly uncalled for. You did do quite a bit and you were very supportive.