So, I (late 20s M) promised my sister (early 30s F) that we’d go on vacation together, but I ended up backing out, or at least, kind of.
Background:
Last year, both my sister and I managed to buy our first homes. They were finished around the same time, and we both worked and saved really hard to make it happen. She has more money to spend than I do, while I put literally every cent I had into my place. I even painted my own walls and stairs because I couldn’t afford to hire anyone.
Our relationship is generally good: we do a lot together, but sometimes it feels shallow, like she doesn’t really see or hear me. A few years ago, I came out to her. I told her, very vulnerably, that as a man I’m into men. Instead of support or empathy, she got angry and disapproving. Since then, she’s completely ignored it, as if that conversation never even happened, as I did as well eventually. I come from a culture where being gay is not accepted, and my parents still don’t know, so her reaction really hurt.
That being said, we’ve also helped each other out a lot. She’s given me rides, I painted her stairs and hung her lamps, and I even encouraged her to buy her house, which turned out to be a great investment.
The vacation:
My sister has been bringing up going on a trip together for a while, and I finally agreed. I arranged vacation days at work, and the plan was Rome, with our mom joining us. I was excited to show them the city since I’ve been there before.
But then our mom dropped out (for unrelated reasons, but it would be too long to write), leaving just me and my sister. Around the same time, I had to do my garden because weeds and sand kept blowing into my house. That wiped out my budget (but I knew from the vocation before).
Technically, I could still go if I put it on my credit card and paid it off with my next paycheck. But honestly, I’m exhausted from all the house stuff (really busy each weekend since April, besides 5 days full time work), and the thought of going on vacation with such a tight budget stresses me out instead of relaxing me and I also vocations themselves in general are exhausting instead of relaxing at home.
I tried explaining this to my sister, but she immediately got disappointed (at least I assumed). I have a really hard time saying no to people and hate letting anyone down. Last night, I finally told her everything: that I do want to go, but I feel pressured and stressed about money right now.
She got went quiet, left earlier than planned, and now I feel guilty all over again.
AITA for canceling the vacation after I already agreed?
Edit: nothing is booked or planned yet and she could still change the days she took off at work. So nothing needs to be cancelled. Also were have already booked a spa together in a few weeks to relax in our home country. BTW to give some perspective about the gay part: you may speak of cognitive dissonance within her. She also loves me and it’s the other way around. It is a complex topic within a complex culture, just cutting off all contact isn’t the right response for me and I wouldn’t want that. We really need to have a conversation about that again, but I feel like she isn’t open for it and I’m honestly afraid to bring it up again.
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So, I (late 20s M) promised my sister (early 30s F) that we’d go on vacation together, but I ended up backing out, or at least, kind of.
Background:
Last year, both my sister and I managed to buy our first homes. They were finished around the same time, and we both worked and saved really hard to make it happen. She has more money to spend than I do, while I put literally every cent I had into my place. I even painted my own walls and stairs because I couldn’t afford to hire anyone.
Our relationship is generally good: we do a lot together, but sometimes it feels shallow, like she doesn’t really see or hear me. A few years ago, I came out to her. I told her, very vulnerably, that as a man I’m into men. Instead of support or empathy, she got angry and disapproving. Since then, she’s completely ignored it, as if that conversation never even happened, as I did as well eventually. I come from a culture where being gay is not accepted, and my parents still don’t know, so her reaction really hurt.
That being said, we’ve also helped each other out a lot. She’s given me rides, I painted her stairs and hung her lamps, and I even encouraged her to buy her house, which turned out to be a great investment.
The vacation:
My sister has been bringing up going on a trip together for a while, and I finally agreed. I arranged vacation days at work, and the plan was Rome, with our mom joining us. I was excited to show them the city since I’ve been there before.
But then our mom dropped out (for unrelated reasons, but it would be too long to write), leaving just me and my sister. Around the same time, I had to do my garden because weeds and sand kept blowing into my house. That wiped out my budget (but I knew from the vocation before).
Technically, I could still go if I put it on my credit card and paid it off with my next paycheck. But honestly, I’m exhausted from all the house stuff (really busy each weekend since April, besides 5 days full time work), and the thought of going on vacation with such a tight budget stresses me out instead of relaxing me and I also vocations themselves in general are exhausting instead of relaxing at home.
I tried explaining this to my sister, but she immediately got disappointed (at least I assumed). I have a really hard time saying no to people and hate letting anyone down. Last night, I finally told her everything: that I do want to go, but I feel pressured and stressed about money right now.
She got went quiet, left earlier than planned, and now I feel guilty all over again.
AITA for canceling the vacation after I already agreed?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I canceled a vocation with my sister, while I already agreed. This action would make me an asshole as I’m not holding up the the appointments, but there are some reasons to it. I want people to judge wheter these reasons might make me free of being the asshole
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA but not for canceling, but rather for not communicating your feelings well before you intentionally blew that money on your garden to give yourself an out. You have to stop avoiding hard conversations or you’ll ruin whatever is left of your relationship
INFO: Has your sister already paid for tickets, hotels, or other vacation expenses?
You’re minimizing the real problem here. Your sister is a homophobe and got angry and disapproving when you were vulnerable with her and came out as gay. And then she pretends the entire conversation never happened and is making you feel guilty for not wanting to go on vacation with her.
NTA, but you really need to rethink your relationship with her. She doesn’t care about you the same way you care about her.
NTA You’re in your 20s and bought a house. She bought her first house in her 30s. You don’t have the same budget, it’s that simple. We bought ours in our late 20s and it almost killed us. In our 30s we have space to breath, even with a lot of work popping up this year (trees to take down, driveway to finish, fixing our furnace, needed a new car). If we’d been hit with the financial year we had when we bought our house we would have had to go bankrupt and lost our house. So, what I’m saying is, what you can afford in your 20s is rarely what you can afford in your 30s and she needs to get over herself.
Also, I’m sorry she wasn’t supportive when you came out. You deserve to be loved unconditionally for all of you.
You’re not the asshole. You were honest, respectful, and protecting your well-being. A vacation shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental or financial health.
ESH: Did she already pre-pay a bunch of expenses for travel and now you are canceling? You willingly spent allotted vacation funds on your garden. Otoh, she was not supportive of you coming out and that has to make you uncomfortable being with her.
Lots more communication is needed here, and a vacation together outside of your everyday lives, together in a large city with lots of variety, may have been a great opportunity for you two.
NTA
I’m also gay and I have to tell you, I do not spend time with anyone who is unsupportive, family or not. If you can’t be yourself with them, don’t waste your time. When you find a man you want to live with she’s going to exclude him and be awful to him. Why stretch your finances for her?
NTA – She doesn’t support who you really are. Why spend time with someone like that?
INFO: have you already paid or is everything still fully refundible? can your sister change her days off work?
If everything can be cancelled without issues, it’s still not a nice thing to cancel, but acceptable if we take into account that you don’t feel this close to your sister for her ignoring who you really are.
ESH. Obviously your sister is homophobic and you are going to get a lot of n t a votes for that.
But. Imo, you agreed to the vacation knowing that. You agreed to it before your mom joined, so her exiting the plans doesn’t really play in. And you knew you had bought a house. Lawn care is a predictable part of homeownership- if you can’t afford it and the vacation, that’s something you should have known. This isn’t some unexpected expense that just “popped up.” You were looking for an excuse. We’re not judging if your sister is an ah for being homophobic. We’re judging if you are ta for cancelling an expensive vacation that took lots of planning last minute (you are).
YTA. It seems like you have other issues with your sister that are causing you to not want to go on the vacation. You should have communicated those earlier and not left her scrambling late in the trip planning process to find someone else to go with her. You are being TA to yourself and your sister. You need to discuss your hurt and disappointment that you had when she was not supportive when you came out to her. Don’t let the resentment build up in you.
YTA.
You should’ve communicated better, vacations are tough to plan especially if you’re canceling stuff last minute it really affects everyone involved (leaving mom out of this since we don’t have the info why she cancelled and if you wanted to use that as an excuse to cancel it should’ve happened at the same time)
If you told her it might’ve been fine, but that’s a really weak excuse of an emergency in all honesty.
I’m keeping the coming out off my decision because it seemingly has no bearing here that I can tell. It’s an obvious issue in your relationship but had nothing to do with this particular incident.
NTA. You told your sister the truth. Sure she was looking forward to going, but you’re younger than her and just had unexpected expenses due to your garden situation… or course money is tight. She got quiet because she was disappointed but didn’t want to sit there and sulk when you just told her valid reasons for not wanting to go. Sometimes a person will get up and leave in order to not be an asshole in the moment. If she knew that her disappointment would show, it’s natural that she’d want to remove herself until she got her emotions under control. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Reschedule your vacation with her for when you can comfortably afford it. But I do think you need to think about how your sister handled you coming out to her. Her behavior was not okay.
ESH
YTA for agreeing to a vacation that you couldn’t afford while admitting that you don’t even like vacations. Then you waited til the last minute to cancel.
She’s TA for not being supportive about you coming out, but you probably already how she would react since you are afraid of doing so with your parents.
Apparently you don’t know her very well which is unsurprising since you are 10 years apart and didn’t really “grow up” together.
NTA, nothing’s booked and your mom already bailed.