So I F22 and my brother M26 have never really gotten along. He never speak, he never says hello to me when we see each other, we never text. He has his own separate life and so do I and that’s just how it’s been. I find him very condescending, every time I try to have a conversation with him he’s extremely blunt and disinterested and he always tries to seem authority over me as he’s older. I have very little respect for him due to growing distance over the past couple of years, and he doesn’t respect me.
He also doesn’t have any respect for my personal belongings, for example, he takes all of our stuff without asking and then gets defensive and argumentative when we call him out on it.
I bought a 5 pack of buldak noodles for myself which cost me the guts of £12, myself and my partner were going to have some for tea that evening as there were only two packs left. I walk through the door and the first thing my brother asks me is “can I have one pack of our buldak noodles” no hello or hi or how was your day to which I then replied “no”, he turned around and told me that they were for his girlfriend who I like as she is always kind and respectful to me, she’s also a guest to which I then felt uncomfortable saying no to so I changed my mind and said yes. I then proceeded into the kitchen and took a yogurt that I bought myself. He mistaken the yogurt for his as he originally bought a pack but then ate them all. He turned to me and then said “oh so it’s okay for you to take my stuff without asking but you can take mine with no issue”, I got confused and said “no these are mine” and he proceeded to raise his voice and say “no they fucking aren’t”, I pointed out that he had only bought one packet and he ate them all (which he was well aware of) and then he turned around and said that he had bought two and then proceeded to tell me to “shut the fuck up” when I tried to defend myself. I then pulled out my digital receipt and showed him my fucking proof of purchase to which he turned around and began to yell at me to fuck off and to shut the fuck up and to go fuck myself blah blah blah because I had apparently “not let it go” and that he had apparently turned around and said “oh nevermind” when I told him that he never bought a second pack (surprise surprise this didn’t happen).
Anyways he and his gf stormed out of the house and came back like 3 hours later. I could tell the gf was uncomfortable with my
presence and I went up and apologised about the fight. She turned around to me and said that we all need to have a talk later because she doesn’t think I understand how my words affect my brother. And apparently me saying no to him having the noodles but yes to her having the noodles really upset him. They are painting it out that I’m the arsehole and I know that they are going to be doing that during this “talk” later. I just need to know if I was an arsehole or not so I have a clear conscious going into this fucking meeting
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So I F22 and my brother M26 have never really gotten along. He never speak, he never says hello to me when we see each other, we never text. He has his own separate life and so do I and that’s just how it’s been. I find him very condescending, every time I try to have a conversation with him he’s extremely blunt and disinterested and he always tries to seem authority over me as he’s older. I have very little respect for him due to growing distance over the past couple of years, and he doesn’t respect me.
He also doesn’t have any respect for my personal belongings, for example, he takes all of our stuff without asking and then gets defensive and argumentative when we call him out on it.
I bought a 5 pack of buldak noodles for myself which cost me the guts of £12, myself and my partner were going to have some for tea that evening as there were only two packs left. I walk through the door and the first thing my brother asks me is “can I have one pack of our buldak noodles” no hello or hi or how was your day to which I then replied “no”, he turned around and told me that they were for his girlfriend who I like as she is always kind and respectful to me, she’s also a guest to which I then felt uncomfortable saying no to so I changed my mind and said yes. I then proceeded into the kitchen and took a yogurt that I bought myself. He mistaken the yogurt for his as he originally bought a pack but then ate them all. He turned to me and then said “oh so it’s okay for you to take my stuff without asking but you can take mine with no issue”, I got confused and said “no these are mine” and he proceeded to raise his voice and say “no they fucking aren’t”, I pointed out that he had only bought one packet and he ate them all (which he was well aware of) and then he turned around and said that he had bought two and then proceeded to tell me to “shut the fuck up” when I tried to defend myself. I then pulled out my digital receipt and showed him my fucking proof of purchase to which he turned around and began to yell at me to fuck off and to shut the fuck up and to go fuck myself blah blah blah because I had apparently “not let it go” and that he had apparently turned around and said “oh nevermind” when I told him that he never bought a second pack (surprise surprise this didn’t happen).
Anyways he and his gf stormed out of the house and came back like 3 hours later. I could tell the gf was uncomfortable with my
presence and I went up and apologised about the fight. She turned around to me and said that we all need to have a talk later because she doesn’t think I understand how my words affect my brother. And apparently me saying no to him having the noodles but yes to her having the noodles really upset him. They are painting it out that I’m the arsehole and I know that they are going to be doing that during this “talk” later. I just need to know if I was an arsehole or not so I have a clear conscious going into this fucking meeting
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother he couldn’t have a packet of noodles but when he said they were for his girlfriend I said she could
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Yes you are! You should exclude both by means of relationship! If u have issues with bro then by laws of grudges she is in fault by being his mate!
NTA but it sounds like your brother might be autistic or something honestly
Edit: I took a Y
You should stop receiving your brother in your home. For, among other things, swearing at you in such a crude and low-class manner. NTA
Next time neither of them get noodles. Problem solved. Also do you live together? Maybe consider separating, if financially possible.
NTA- I will say I agree with the girlfriend on one point, there needs to be a talk for sure. It’s my understanding that this is a shared space, but is there any way to separate groceries that you each purchase? I believe that this was a misunderstanding that blew into a disproportionate reaction on his part likely due to something entirely unrelated to the issue at hand. It’s clear he’s stressed out, but given how minor this situation is I find it hard to believe it’s about this only, that being said it’s no excuse to lash out at you. I think the best course moving forward would be to give him some space to calm down, and then bring up a suggestion of having a separate space, or way of organizing the groceries in a way that you each have your own place for putting what you’ve each purchased, and perhaps just having a hard line between “you eat what’s yours, and I eat what’s mine” to avoid this happening again. I completely understand you feeling pressured to share with his girlfriend, with her being a guest and all, but I want you to keep in mind that he was HER guest.
the concept of getting buldak noodles for tea
ESH but you and your brother both sound like you have social developmental issues.
NTA
I would tell his gf (in front of brother or not):
“It’s simple. You have been polite and kind to me, and am happy to be kind and generous to you. Brother is always rude, demanding, condescending, and dismissive of me. I do not treat him that way, but nor will I extend courtesies to him.
If my not being a doormat to him hurts his feelings or makes him feel whatever way he feels, then he would do well to learn that he can choose to treat me the way he would like to be treated if he wants our relationship to improve.
If he just wants what he wants when he wants it while he feels free to be an arse to me, then he can look elsewhere.”
NTA based on what you are saying here but they will make it seem like you are.
Info: did you tell him why you changed your mind?
In some ways, it feels like you and your brother have taken the kind of petty dynamic many siblings have as teenagers and never grown out of it. I don’t know if you’ve ever laid this out for him in so many words, but if you haven’t said, “It feels incredibly disrespectful when I come in the house and the first thing you say to me is whether you can take something from me. You don’t even say hello or ask me how my day was. It makes me feel like you see me as a source of stuff, not worthy of normal human politeness.”
Many people who are like this don’t see it as disrespect; they have this bizarre notion that you can be rude to family because love is supposed to be taken as a given between family members. If you’ve never had an overall conversation with him about the way he talks to you, maybe it’s a good time to do that.
NTA. He should be happy you’re not cussing him out for not letting go of the noodles.
Girlfriend is nice, but she can’t make you like someone who openly dislikes you and it’s unfair of her to try.
Who does the house belong to?
NTA Tell your brother’s girlfriend to go pound sand. Your brother isn’t entitled to your food and neither is she. And you don’t have to have a “discussion” with them so they can gang up on you. Your brother may be a jerk but she takes the biscuit, she’s nothing more to you than your brother’s partner and you owe her no explanation for the decisions you make.
NTA your brother should not talk to you like that. How about how his words affect you! Just tell the gf how it is. Your brother constantly takes your stuff, blows up at you, is an AH in general to you. So you aren’t going to treat him better than he treats you. You aren’t his doormat. You had also planned to have the noodles with your partner. But the gf had always been polite to you and a guest so you would haven’t given them to her.
If you can ask to speak to the gf in private. If your brother is there he will probably just tell the whole time and you won’t be able to explain yourself and how he makes you feel.
NTA, does your brother have any conditions? I don’t know, his behavior doesn’t seem normal to me for a person his age. The girlfriend is clearly going to take his side because she’s his girlfriend, but I don’t think she’s a bad girl since you said she’s always been kind and treats you well. Don’t pay much attention to your brother, if he is disrespectful to you you don’t owe him anything, even if he is your brother, family relationships are formed by love and respect, not just by genetics, you don’t always have to relate to some relatives or feel obligated because “they are family.”
Nta
You’re brother is a bully and she’s enabling him. He’s likely bullying her too though, so it’s a weird dynamic all round.
It does sounds like you’re married to and your brother need to learn how to communicate. Also, it appears both of you need to mature a bit. Everyone in the scenario is an adult yet no one is acting like one. If the house is too stressful, seems like it’s time to move out & get one’s own place. Both you are the AH.
You both suck grow up