I (male 35yo) have other reasons why I want to separate from my wife (female 29yo) but I will post one of the biggest reasons here.
My wife and I are pretty much best friends. She has a great sense of humor which matches my weird sense of humor. She is very kind and caring most of the time. Over the years we have worked on communicating well with one another and I feel like we communicate very well most of the time.
But I just feel like I’m living with my best friend who could practically be my roommate other than we share the same bed and a habitual kiss goodbye.
For years we’ve lived with one another as people but have struggled romantically. I don’t want to be heartless because she was S. A in the past and we have worked on that and things were great for a while so we got married then the romantic feelings and actions just went downhill and went away after a few months of marriage.
She tried going to therapy for a little while before we got married and I talked to her about going after we got married but she just stopped.
I still try treating her very well and we both try taking care of one another but I realized this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I can’t have her try for a few weeks then stop and have me constantly chase after her in that regard.
I feel as though I have been more than patient and although I was S. A when I was a child I still do not know her experiences and it did not affect me in the same way as with her, I was much younger than her when it happened to me.
After a while of trying, I noticed I stopped and although I love her and want what is best for her I am just no longer attracted to her in that way.
We don’t wear rings anymore, we do not have kids together, we have different surnames and we have always had our finances separate.
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I (male 35yo) have other reasons why I am wanting to separate from my wife (female 29yo) but I will post one of the biggest reasons here.
My wife and I are pretty much best friends. She has a great since of humor which matches my weird sense of humor. She is very kind and caring most of the time. Over the years we have worked on communicating well with one another and I feel like we communicate very well most of the time.
But I just feel like I’m living with my best friend who could practically be my roommate other than we share the same bed and a habitual kiss goodbye.
For years we’ve lived one other as people but have struggled romantically. I don’t want to be heartless because she was S. A in the past amd we have worked on that and things were great for awhile so we got married then the romantic feeling’s and actions just went downhill and went away after a few months of marriage.
She tried going to therapy for a little while before we got married and I talked to her about going after we got married but she just stopped.
I still try treating her very well and we both try taking care of one another but I realized this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I can’t have her try for a few weeks then stop and have me constantly chase after her in that regard.
I feel as though I have been more than patient and although I was S. A when I was a child I still do not know her experiences and it did not affect me in the same way as with her, I was much younger than her when it happened to me.
After awhile of trying I noticed I stopped and although I love her and want what is best for her I am just no longer attracted to her in that way.
We don’t wear rings anymore, we do not have kids together, we have different surnames and we have always had our finances separate.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife I wanted to separate and I think I might be the asshole because I don’t want to try in our relationship anymore.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
It does sound like you are living with a roommate and it seems like you have tried everything you could.
NTA, but honestly you’re posting this in the wrong sub. Put this in r/relationship advice instead, and see if anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice they can offer you. In any case, I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope it all works out in the end.
NAH. Sucks when that happens. Before you throw in the towel, you might want to consider if there was another reason except her negative experience that led to the lack of affection and sexuality. Saying it’s all because of her SA is too simplistic and does not look at your contribution to this dynamic. Especially if things were good for a while.
How is the division of labor in the couple? How are you showing up for her? Are you still doing the things that attracted her to you in the first place?
Have you tried couples therapy or would you consider doing so? Best friends in a relationship are hard to find, so the question to you is whether or not you want to try and reignite the spark or not.
NTA, but dont ever get married again. You dont want to do the till death do us part thing now that you’re not getting the sex you want. Dont put anyone else through believing you’ll be there no matter what when you wont.
>”…although I love her and want what is best for her *I am just no longer attracted to her in that way***.** We don’t wear rings anymore, we do not have kids together, we have different surnames and we have always had our finances separate.”
YNW for wanting to separate. As a matter of fact, it’s hard to believe you two even married. The way I see it, the SA has affected you differently and you two are sexually incompatible. It’s caused you to lose attraction to her because of how you view her now, a roommate. Whereas she is fine to continue in a minimal/non-existent sexual relationship, sex is important to you and that’s ok. She’s going to be upset because you share a great friendship and all of her needs are being met. But you need a lover as well and if your wife is unable to provide that for you, you deserve to find someone who will.
NTA
It doesn’t even sound like you’re married.
Some people are asexual or aromantic, but they still want to companionship, prioritization and stability of romantic relationships.
But that’s not fair to you.
She had probably healed from those negative experience
NAH.
NTA- I was prepared to rip you a new one but sex is important in a marriage (unless you both agree you don’t need it) and you’ve been very patient. She has stopped trying and her healing has stagnated. It’s understandable that you want physical intimacy in your relationship.