I (31F) use a wheelchair after an accident two years ago. I’ve been in the same book club of 8 women since 2019. We normally rotate hosting at our homes, nothing fancy, just wine, snacks, discussion and a lot of laughing. One member, K (34F), has a nice patio and used to host most often, and everyone’s always liked going to hers.
The problem: K’s place is up a flight of 14 narrow stairs with no railing on one side. There’s no side entrance, no portable ramp that would work safely, and she can’t put in anything permanent since she rents. Since my accident, we’ve covered her months by meeting in a coffee shop or library room nearby and it’s been fine. This month, K said she “misses hosting at home” and dropped her address in the group chat with, “We’ll make a Zoom link for OP.”
I replied straight away: I’m happy to meet, but I’d rather we choose a space I can actually get into. I offered to host, or book a free community room down the street (I even checked times), or chip in for a cafe table booking. K said she’s tired of making exceptions and that it’s her turn, her house. She suggested someone could “carry me up” which, apart from being unsafe, is insulting and not something I’ll do.
Two people backed me straight away. Two said nothing. One person said I’m “dictating the group” and that Zoom is good enough. K then said I can join online or skip, but she still expects the usual $15 contribution for wine and snacks since that’s what we always do.
I said I’m not paying for a meeting I physically can’t attend, and I’m not Zooming into something that’s meant to be social when there’s an easy alternative. I also said I’ll happily host next month to keep the rotation fair. Now I’m getting side messages saying I’m being dramatic and that we’ve always gone to K’s.
I don’t want to blow up a friend group over one night, but it feels ridiculous to ask me to pay for a party I can’t get into. AITA for pushing for an accessible venue again and refusing to pay for that meeting? How would you handle it without turning it into a bigger fight?
Happy to answer questions, just trying to check if I’m missing something obvious.
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I (31F) use a wheelchair after an accident two years ago. I’ve been in the same book club of 8 women since 2019. We normally rotate hosting at our homes, nothing fancy, just wine, snacks, discussion and a lot of laughing. One member, K (34F), has a nice patio and used to host most often, and everyone’s always liked going to hers.
The problem: K’s place is up a flight of 14 narrow stairs with no railing on one side. There’s no side entrance, no portable ramp that would work safely, and she can’t put in anything permanent since she rents. Since my accident, we’ve covered her months by meeting in a coffee shop or library room nearby and it’s been fine. This month, K said she “misses hosting at home” and dropped her address in the group chat with, “We’ll make a Zoom link for OP.”
I replied straight away: I’m happy to meet, but I’d rather we choose a space I can actually get into. I offered to host, or book a free community room down the street (I even checked times), or chip in for a cafe table booking. K said she’s tired of making exceptions and that it’s her turn, her house. She suggested someone could “carry me up” which, apart from being unsafe, is insulting and not something I’ll do.
Two people backed me straight away. Two said nothing. One person said I’m “dictating the group” and that Zoom is good enough. K then said I can join online or skip, but she still expects the usual $15 contribution for wine and snacks since that’s what we always do.
I said I’m not paying for a meeting I physically can’t attend, and I’m not Zooming into something that’s meant to be social when there’s an easy alternative. I also said I’ll happily host next month to keep the rotation fair. Now I’m getting side messages saying I’m being dramatic and that we’ve always gone to K’s.
I don’t want to blow up a friend group over one night, but it feels ridiculous to ask me to pay for a party I can’t get into. AITA for pushing for an accessible venue again and refusing to pay for that meeting? How would you handle it without turning it into a bigger fight?
Happy to answer questions, just trying to check if I’m missing something obvious.
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> I might be the asshole because some people could view me as dictating the group by asking them to move it to a different house
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA whatsoever. And good on you for advocating for yourself!
NTA, at all.
NTA in the slightest but this “friend” certainly is – her actually doing the hosting seems to be the most important thing to her rather than everyone being able to attend in person.
Personally I would say fine – I can’t attend this month but refuse to pay the money for snacks / wine since you won’t be able to enjoy them yourself.
NTA. You literally cannot attend. Asking you for money is absurd. I’d keep handling it precisely how you are. Ive has several friends over the years who were disabled and we always tried to meet at places they could go to. Because they’re my friends and I want to hang out with them more than I care about what venue we’re hanging out at.
NTA, and if they’re not willing to accommodate your needs then I’m not sure there is a way to handle it without it turning into a bigger fight.
And obviously, you are entirely in the right by saying you won’t pay if you can’t come.
It’s not necessarily wrong of her to want to be able to host the book club she’s a part of either, but it’s incompatible with your needs and you and the rest of the group just have to figure out what you all want. Do you want a book club where members are able to be present physically, or a book club that people take turns to host in their homes, at the cost that some people sometimes can’t participate?
Since you can’t have both, you all will have to choose.
If multiple people are upset that you insist on being able to participate, maybe you just need to find a different book club?
Nta- you can’t even go and they want you to pay for snacks is wild
NTA. I would suggest starting your own book club.
NTA – I was close to NAH but “she still expects the usual $15 contribution” makes her an AH. I can understand her wanting to host and have her friend say her house but I understand that you are unable to ever attend. She’s only able to host by excluding you or when you’re unable to attend. She is an absolute asshole for asking for a contribution when you make zero cost to her, your “contribution” should go towards your snacks on the zoom so you can enjoy the same. You should only contribute without attendance if you back out last minute and purchases have already been made.
NTA.
Do you consider these people your friends? I would tell K to kick rocks.
I would be absolutely dumbfounded if someone in my friend group acted like this, or was silent (permissive) about it.
So K sucks. Honestly, wtf? She’s horrible.
Ugh. K is definitely the AH here, and so are the people telling you that you’re creating drama.
K can host any other group of people at her home, whenever she wants. Making this big a deal over hosting a rotating book club meeting is frankly ridiculous.
Her behaviour is so mean and petty that it actually feels like a calculated insult. You are NTA.
I’m going NAH because it looks like this member has no way of making her place wheelchair accessible as a renter, and it makes sense she wants to take her hosting turn. People have come up with a solution, but it is totally your right to turn it down. All that said, you Definitely should not have to pay; but in my mind any member not attending a particular meeting shouldn’t be paying anything related to that meeting.
NTA. You deserve to be able to participate, and it is not unreasonable to ask to be accommodated. It seems K is more interested in hosting than in the club itself, or in being your friend. As for the idiot who thinks “Zoom is good enough” – excellent, they can be exiled to Zoom when it’s your turn to host, and see how they like it. Oh, and they can still pay for snacks and drinks. Watch them blow up when you suggest that, and then ask why it’s OK for you to be exiled to Zoom but they have a right to be physically present. Use that phrasing – they are exiting and excluding you by their choices, this is not an unavoidable situation. K just needs to accept her home isn’t suitable for hosting, and the group need to decide whether they value your company or K’s patio more.
Would a portable folding ramp work?
NTA. I couldn’t imagine 1. Not having the meeting at a place everyone can get to, and 2. Expecting the person who can’t actually attend in person, to pay for everyone else’s snacks and drinks. Like what the actual fuck.
NTA. Anyone who didn’t back you is not your friend. It’s insulting to suggest you could zoom or be carried up. She’s putting her preference ahead of your disability. You aren’t responsible for stopping this becoming a bigger fight. You deserve better.
NAH
I understand your situation, BUT you should understand K as well.
You are not alone in the group, and other people’s opinions and needs also need to be respected
She would love to host at her place. Not in a community room, not in the cafe. She would like to be a host in her space, make it cozy, prepare snacks, light candles etc.
For once in 2 years? It’s not unreasonable to ask.
Everyone saying “Those are not your friends”, for asking OP to join once via Zoom and let another friend host are just ridiculous. Friendship is a two-way street, OP also needs to be flexible to help a friend.
What I would do – I would let her host this time, but ask to not to do it a regular thing as being there is important to you. And of course, no 15 dollars if you are not physically there.
Skip the meeting without further comment because they’ve made the decision. But obviously no contribution for snacks and wine.
YTA is sucks you can’t go but you can’t dictate every location
On first glance, this is NAH. She wants to take her turn hosting, and I think that’s fair. But it’s also fair that you want to participate in person, and her place won’t work. You asked for a different solution, and I think the frustration that they don’t want to consider your other suggestions is definitely legit.
Without all the context, it’s hard to tell if these are women you want to continue being friends with. If they normally work with you to make sure you’re included, then maybe this is a one-off situation. If you want to continue on with them post this book club time at a place you cannot go to, then I think it’s okay for you to say – I’m disappointed, but I understand and will not participate this time. But then you are NOT obligated at all to pay for snacks. If this new host demands it, then that makes her the very clear AH, and it would make it seem as if this is a deliberate way to exclude you. Has she ever been a problem before in the group?
So, does K want to host because she would be able to drink more and not have to drive or something like that? If so then I understand a bit more and maybe you should take the L and miss every one hosted by K. Still NTA but I kind of get it- don’t contribute if you don’t go.
NTA, maybe I’m the weird one but I’d prefer to not host, meeting somewhere else seems so much easier. No preperation or needing to clean up after.
Woulda been no ahole but the clown hosting demanding you help pay when you can’t go is so stupid and self entitled. You don’t get it both ways, either your event is accessible to everyone and thus everyone pays, or you eat the cost of the person you’re excluding.
Ok first of all NTA for your request. And you shouldn’t have to pay if you aren’t there. That being said maybe you could be a bit flexible and not pay but join on zoom every once in a while. Your friend sounds kind of rude for how demanding she’s being, but I could see how it could be upsetting to never be able to host if she really enjoys is. Could you compromise? Most of the time she doesn’t host but she can every so often?
NTA. Tbh, I would have told you to be more accommodating about being lifted by someone (as hateful as it is). However, the fact that the host started with a zoom link is telling.
Them wanting you to still pay while not in attendance is ridiculous. However. (And im disabled myself) maybe she doesnt like hosting at a coffee shop. Maybe its stressful for her, too noisy or just umcomftable. and she much prefers her own home. I know I do. Maybe her favourite meeting is her because she doesnt have to leave the house. If she had a diagnosed issue would it then not be fair to let her have her week?
It’s not like its every week. You can join via zoom or skip the week.100% no to contributing to snacks unless they are delivering you a bottle and snack pack before hand. Yes reasonable adjustments should be made for the disabled but also, sometimes that isnt possible.
Everybody kinda sucks here but op def NTA.
Well, this is a conundrum, and the discussion is actually refreshing in some ways, because they are not treating you with kid gloves.
K is an AH for asking you to pay whether you attend or not. She is also an AH for hiding behind the group chat. She is not giving good vibes.
BUT you also cannot expect her to never host book club again because you can’t get into her house. So you are also a tiny bit of an AH. They have made accommodations for 2 years so far, and have perhaps have supported you in other ways since your accident. Don’t blow up the goodwill.
This all could have been avoided if K had talked to you privately first and said she really wants to host at her house, and she would love for you to come but understands if you can’t make it, and of course you wouldn’t have to pay (duh).
If I were you, I would take the high road and make boundaries clear. Say you won’t be able to attend, but you hope they have a great time and will see them at the next one. Don’t even mention the $15 because it’s ridiculous for K to even suggest it.
If K continues her assholey-ness, then it’s time to find a new book club. Good luck!
NTA
I was leaning towards NAH before you mentioned the money aspect they expect you to pay without participating.
Ks and your needs go into different directions that perfectly contradict each other. She wants to be able to host the group in her home – just like everyone else.
You want to take part in every event in person and I absolutely get that the compromises they provided are nothing like the real deal.
It is a sucky situation all around. People are very accommodating of chronic disabilities in the beginning and it sounds like K was too. The problem is that the disadvantage (not hosting at her place) is not outweighted by the benefits (you being included in person while meeting elsewhere) anymore, it seems.
NTA – You are 100% right. The event should not be held at a place you cannot reach, this is discrimination.
NAH
I definitely see where OP is coming from, but it’s also clear this means a lot to K.
K has given up being able to host in her home for two years.
You say “there’s an easy alternative,” but that’s how K feels about you using zoom, too.
You want an alternative where K has to give something up and you don’t. Which she has been doing for two years.
Now she’s trying to find an alternative for you so that she can finally host in her own home.
It’s not going to be ideal, and you definitely shouldn’t have to pay for snacks and drinks you won’t be there to enjoy, but someone is going to have to make a sacrifice. Someone is going to have to compromise and not get exactly what they want. That’s how interpersonal relationships work, and it’s not fair to always ask the same person to make sacrifices so that you can have your way.
I think folks are responding to two issues here:
NAH: you asked your friend group to choose a home that you can safely attend for this month’s meeting. You stated that K’s place was always among the favorites given the patio and it seems since your injury it seems that they have not been able to go to K’s. It seems overall that K has some issues not having had an opportunity to host in awhile and the same way everyone has been accommodating to you, you should be accommodating to them. If there are 8 women and everyone takes turns hosting (assuming you meet monthly), then we’re talking MAYBE once a year you can’t attend in person?
Also you said it’s been fine on her months going somewhere public….given everyone else’s reaction doesn’t sound like it..
I get it, you’re adapting to a new way of living and it’s seems that for over 6 years your friends have make it work…
On the flip side…
K is an AH to still demand $15 for snacks / wine if you can’t even attend…
Not sure why you can’t zoom in and get a basket of wine and snacks and enjoy like everyone else that would be in person…
I mention this as during the lockdowns I hosted many “brunches” where I had food delivered to friends and then we met online