So when my brother’s fiancée first got engaged, she asked me to be a bridesmaid.
She even told me who else she was asking and started talking about the bachelorette party.
That was over a year ago. Since then… crickets. Their wedding is about 5 months away now and I hadn’t heard a single thing.
I finally called her just to check in because I didn’t want to assume. I said I wasn’t trying to pressure her but just wanted to know if I should be budgeting for a dress, bachelorette trip, all the usual stuff.
That’s when she told me they decided to only have 5 people in the wedding party but that they want me to do a reading instead. Here’s where I feel hurt: she still added other people to the bridal party, so it’s not like they “downsized” across the board. I was clearly cut out and she never said anything until I asked. It kinda feels like they were hoping I’d just forget I was asked in the first place.
And honestly, being asked to do a reading in the same conversation I was told I wasn’t a bridesmaid anymore just feels like a pity role. I told her I had no hard feelings, but I was way more upset than I expected.
So… AITAH if I don’t want to do the reading at all? And is it fair that my feelings are hurt here?
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So when my brother’s fiancée first got engaged, she asked me to be a bridesmaid.
She even told me who else she was asking and started talking about the bachelorette party.
That was over a year ago. Since then… crickets. Their wedding is about 5 months away now and I hadn’t heard a single thing.
I finally called her just to check in because I didn’t want to assume. I said I wasn’t trying to pressure her but just wanted to know if I should be budgeting for a dress, bachelorette trip, all the usual stuff.
That’s when she told me they decided to only have 5 people in the wedding party but that they want me to do a reading instead. Here’s where I feel hurt: she still added other people to the bridal party, so it’s not like they “downsized” across the board. I was clearly cut out and she never said anything until I asked. It kinda feels like they were hoping I’d just forget I was asked in the first place.
And honestly, being asked to do a reading in the same conversation I was told I wasn’t a bridesmaid anymore just feels like a pity role. I told her I had no hard feelings, but I was way more upset than I expected.
So… AITAH if I don’t want to do the reading at all? And is it fair that my feelings are hurt here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action would be not doing a reading at my brother and his fiancé’s wedding. I feel like it makes me an ass hole because I’ll look like a jerk for not participating in the wedding in whatever way they asked me to.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH The bride should have told you when her plans changed. But she obviously feels you are important and wants to include you by having you do the reading. I understand your feelings are hurt but the wedding is about what the bride and groom want, not you. I think you will regret it if you don’t do the ready.
By the way, a bonus is you don’t have to incur the huge expense of being a bridesmaid.
I get why you’re upset, but I have always thought that it’s kind of cruel for a bride to tell her best girls to all wear the same dress and blend in together as a unit. At least by doing a reading you get to contribute something all on your own and have a moment to share and to shine.
They sound very disorganized, you shouldn’t have had to ask what they’re planning for you for their wedding, obviously.
Do it, don’t do it, NTA either way
Info are you close to your future sil
I think you’re NTA for being upset about it, but will be if you refuse the reading bc you’re upset. (If you don’t like public speaking, that’s another separate and legit reason) It’s pretty crappy that she didn’t have the respect to come talk to you about it. You have every right to be annoyed.
But for the sake of peace in your family, I would just suck it up and do the reading. What’s the point in being bitter about it? Bc I can assure you that if you don’t, your bro is going to hold it against you. Your SIL is going to bring this up in fights with him about how his family doesn’t support their marriage, blah blah blah…and the one to suffer is going to be you and your relationship with your brother.
At the end of the day, weddings are so much drama. It’s so much easier to go as a guest than a BM. Consider yourself lucky!
You are not the main character of their wedding. You are certainly allowed to feel hurt and even say no to doing the reading because you’re a human with feelings and autonomy – but the bride is also allowed to change her bridal party and have whoever she prefers stand with her on her big day. It does suck she changed her mind and didn’t tell you, but relationships are a two way street and in the last year you haven’t inquired until now about the wedding/bridal party/etc? That’s a pretty hands off approach to the situation and if I’m being honest I can see why when it came time to choose her bridesmaids for real she left you off the list. I don’t think you’re an asshole for how you feel, but I don’t think your soon to be sister in law is the asshole either. They’re still trying to include you as the groom’s sister – but ultimately you do whatever makes you happy. NAH for now.
NTA.. total disrespect from brother/fiancé. I would still attend but wouldn’t do the reading at this point and wouldn’t go on the bachelorette trip/event. Its crystal clear that she didn’t really want you to be a bridesmaid but mentioned it to include you which wasn’t he right path. the only reason they told you was because you reached out to them. I don’t know how old all of you are but that is not how you treat family/friends. You don’t leave them hanging like that. On the flip side, its their wedding and they can choose what they want and don’t want. Just like you can choose to not do the reading. Wait till after the wedding to address any personal issues you may have about how all this played out. Otherwise you will be made out to be the bad guy.
Honestly, its hard to be excited or want to be involved when you are treated like this.
NTA. Yes, it was insulting that they asked and then didn’t tell you that you were dropped. Text the bride that you don’t want to do a reading.
The bride must have felt she had to include you for form’s sake, but then realized she’d rather include her friend group. She knew you would be hurt, which is why she didn’t tell you.
Speak to your brother to find out why you weren’t told. Don’t burn any bridges. Dont say anything angry, but end it with a sigh and “Oh, well. Talk to you later.”
If they change their mind, which will mean your brother insisting, tell them no, you’d be embarrassed when you were clearly unwanted by the bride. “It would be likely throwing me a bone, like the reading.”
NAH. She can do what she likes for her wedding. You can decline an invitation as guest and/or reader.
NAH. What makes you think it’s a petty offer to do a reading? What does that mean anyways, is she asking you to make a speech? I wouldn’t take it too hard, weddings are already stressful and maybe she had to make hard changes and until now was super grateful you didn’t bring it up because she felt bad about it. Who knows. I wouldn’t make the situation about you though and refuse to participate at all. If you just don’t want to do the reading then just say to her you don’t feel up to it but are still excited to attend her wedding as a guest. The phone works both ways and while she didn’t tell you, you also didn’t ask from what you have said until a large gap of time had passed. I should think a friend who was excited to be in the wedding party would have followed up sooner by asking for details about the wedding and such. By your own admission you didnt talk to her about it for a year. Just let it go and enjoy the wedding.
NTA for the hurt feelings. I wonder if the bride-to-be is conflict-averse and procrastinated telling you that she got out over her skis at first. I have no idea who got added/dropped after the first blush of excitement after the proposal, but she may have had pressure to include others and felt embarrassed by the situation.
You wouldn’t be the AH for declining the reading, but it DOES include you in their marriage ceremony in a special way. You may want to look at it that way rather than a “demotion.” It’s also a lot less expensive, for another look at the bright side.
NTA It’s completely fair to feel how you are feeling. She asked you, changed her mind, and didn’t own to to it. The feelings are still fresh. Give yourself some time before you decide what to do about the reading. If you still don’t want to do it, come up with some excuse that doesn’t directly connect back to the bridesmaid role. Like “I appreciate the invite. I get nervous speaking in public so I rather not. I’d like to stay in my seat to keep my focus you two. Thanks for understanding!” Lots of people don’t like public speaking.
Nta.
She gave you an honor and took it out stealthily.
Her bridesmaids will do the lecture. You are a mere guess.
NTA – The bride is a rude little madam. End of story – asking someone to be a bridesmaid then just ghosting them is a horrid thing to do – and there are no excuses.
All these people making excuses for the bride – the bride ASKED op to be a bridesmaid and then didn’t even have the basic decency to say she had changed her mind. That is just rude, and there is no excuse for it.
I would just say no thanks to the reading role, you don’t need to get into a long conversation or even give her a reason – no is a sentence after all. You don’t feel good about it and if she feels bad…tough, she should have been more considerate to begin with.
NTA but you dodged a bullet. Be gracious and do the reading and move on.
Thank you for thinking of me and wanting to include me in the wedding, but, I’d prefer to just be a guest.
Esh I get it but it’s not about you. A lot goes into planning weddings and you may have more fun as a guest anyways. There’s no pressure and fewer schedules to adhere to. I think it’s nice that she wants to include you with the reading but if you’re upset then it’s appropriate to turn down her request. You only want to be a part of the wedding if it’s genuine.
NTA that’s pretty rude of her. My brother‘s fiancé asked me to be a bridesmaid, and then clearly had no interest in me actually being her bridesmaid, she didn’t even invite me to the stuff she was doing with her other bridesmaids, who were her friends. She got pushed by her parents into having her sister be her maid of honor, and she excluded her from everything too. If I were you, I would mentally note the rudeness and then try to let it go. Life is long and you’re gonna be dealing with her for a long time. I have a mental sticker chart and every time my SIL is snotty to me I give myself another sticker on it and when I fill out the sticker chart I get ice cream.
Doesn’t sound like you are actually very close and this is more about your role than your relationship. Reading a part is a nice gesture to include you. Sounds a bit more Y T A than not.
Do you get to choose the reading?
Because I’m sure you could find some doozies about family and ingratitude. Why, King Lear complained about how sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have an ungrateful child.
nta. That was very rude of her and the reading isnt vital role at all
NTA
That was a pity offer.
Ppl in the comments are acting like you’re some random friend, you’re the GROOMS SISTER. This is a HIGHLY disrespectful way to treat a future in law. Even if she no longer wanted you in the party, she should have had the ovaries to call you and tell you. Letting it drag for months and only saying something when YOU called about it?!??
Also let’s be fr, she pulled that reading bit outta her behind to make the blow less impactful. Once again if she had called you ahead of time and made the offer I’d be willing to give her grace but the wedding is in 5mo. It’s been a YR since she offered.
This just isn’t the way to treat family.
Op I’d say decline the offer to do the reading and just go as a guest and remain polite.
Now just me personally but I have a hard time trusting ppl who are willing to be that shady, I’d remain polite but I’m keeping SIL at a distance. If she’s unable to do something as simple as afford you the respect of a phone call to boot you, I wouldn’t wanna risk her in my life.
NTA