There was a local fair in my town this weekend, and I live in a walkable distance from the fairgrounds. My friend asked if she could park in my driveway to walk there with the new guy she has been seeing for about 2 weeks. I’ve had plenty of friends park in my driveway for similar events over the years, and I have absolutely no problem with this.
However, this particular friend has been really overbearing and clingy for a few months now and I’ve been trying to create kore distance and boundaries between us as much as possible. She kept asking if I’d be home, suggesting I meet the new guy she’s seeing or meet them for a drink after the fair. First of all, I think it’s too soon for her to be introducing him to her friends given that it’s the third date, and second of all, I had other plans. I told her I wouldn’t be home during the day and wasn’t sure when I’d be back. I intentionally stayed away all day to avoid her.
I often leave my main door unlocked because I live in an extremely safe neighborhood, but I locked my door yesterday because I had a feeling she would come up with a reason to want to use my bathroom or something. Sure enough, she texted me saying she had to use the bathroom and asked if I had a spare key because the door was locked. I didn’t answer because I was busy, and didn’t see the text until later. Three hours after the first text, she texted me again that she “totally broke into your upstairs door because I had to pee so bad and it was unlocked”. Mind you, I had never answered the first text. So, I had apparently left open the upstairs door which is up a fire escape and leads to my office. That door is typically always locked because I don’t really use it, but I used it that morning to take out the trash.
I am beyond angry and feel really violated. I had made soup from scratch that morning and left my kitchen a mess because I had to rush out, knowing I’d clean it later that afternoon, which I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone seeing. On top of that, I don’t know if she let this man into my apartment who I’ve never met and she barely knows. I have a cat that likes to slip out the door sometimes, so then I had to worry about him getting out during her unexpected visit. For even more context, there is an ice cream store right next to my apartment, two coffee shops, a bar, and two restaurants within a minute walk from my apartment, all with bathrooms that she could’ve used.
I am struggling with how to address this with her, because I have a feeling she’ll minimize it and say she didn’t think I’d care, and that she wouldn’t care about my messy kitchen, etc.
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There was a local fair in my town this weekend, and I live in a walkable distance from the fairgrounds. My friend asked if she could park in my driveway to walk there with the new guy she has been seeing for about 2 weeks. I’ve had plenty of friends park in my driveway for similar events over the years, and I have absolutely no problem with this.
However, this particular friend has been really overbearing and clingy for a few months now and I’ve been trying to create kore distance and boundaries between us as much as possible. She kept asking if I’d be home, suggesting I meet the new guy she’s seeing or meet them for a drink after the fair. First of all, I think it’s too soon for her to be introducing him to her friends given that it’s the third date, and second of all, I had other plans. I told her I wouldn’t be home during the day and wasn’t sure when I’d be back. I intentionally stayed away all day to avoid her.
I often leave my main door unlocked because I live in an extremely safe neighborhood, but I locked my door yesterday because I had a feeling she would come up with a reason to want to use my bathroom or something. Sure enough, she texted me saying she had to use the bathroom and asked if I had a spare key because the door was locked. I didn’t answer because I was busy, and didn’t see the text until later. Three hours after the first text, she texted me again that she “totally broke into your upstairs door because I had to pee so bad and it was unlocked”. Mind you, I had never answered the first text. So, I had apparently left open the upstairs door which is up a fire escape and leads to my office. That door is typically always locked because I don’t really use it, but I used it that morning to take out the trash.
I am beyond angry and feel really violated. I had made soup from scratch that morning and left my kitchen a mess because I had to rush out, knowing I’d clean it later that afternoon, which I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone seeing. On top of that, I don’t know if she let this man into my apartment who I’ve never met and she barely knows. I have a cat that likes to slip out the door sometimes, so then I had to worry about him getting out during her unexpected visit. For even more context, there is an ice cream store right next to my apartment, two coffee shops, a bar, and two restaurants within a minute walk from my apartment, all with bathrooms that she could’ve used.
I am struggling with how to address this with her, because I have a feeling she’ll minimize it and say she didn’t think I’d care, and that she wouldn’t care about my messy kitchen, etc.
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> 1. I am angered by my friend’s actions and considering telling her she was wrong and considering ending this friendship. 2. Wondering if I’m overreacting or if lashing out at her would be justified
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not gonna lie this isn’t quirky or forgivable, it’s straight-up breaking and entering. You don’t just ‘need to pee’ so you bypass someone’s locked door and let yourself into their home. That’s insane roommate horror-story energy. And the fact she might’ve brought her random date in? That’s a whole new level of reckless. If a man did this, people would be calling it trespassing and a safety issue. The only reason people are hesitating here is because it’s a ‘friend.’ Personally, I’d treat it the same way: lock your doors, change your locks, and reconsider if you even want someone in your life who thinks your boundaries are optional
WTAF? She climbed up the fire escape to get into your house? And this was predictable? Why are you friends with this person? NTA
NTA at all. You dont have to let anyone in your house. TBH separate from this friend, because they appear to be selfish and insane (sorry if this mean)
Wow, that’s quite an invasion. I don’t blame you AT ALL for feeling violated. It was an incredibly rude and out of line thing to do. NTA!
Since this is a pattern for her and you’re already trying to enact better boundaries, I’d probably say something to her like “I’m not thrilled to hear you ‘broke into’ my apartment. I had not given you permission to enter and consider this violation to be extremely inappropriate. In the future, please do not assume you are welcome to enter my apartment without my expressed permission.”
This will ruffle some feathers. She’ll get huffy and be terribly, terribly offended that you found this move to be anything other than ok. She’ll try to tell mutual friends that there is something wrong – unkind, cold, inconsiderate, or paranoid – about you for feeling this way. That’s just what people like that do – they pretty much never look inward and say “You’re right, that was a violation. I made faulty assumptions and will do better in the future.” I’d like to say that she just has a different sentiment towards your friendship than you do, where she believes you’re very close and nothing is off limits but, it’s very questionable why she was even so driven to get into your apartment. What was in it for her?
So all in all, you have every right to be skeeved out and angry, and in my opinion you should address it with her.
As an aside, your comments about feeling it’s inappropriate for her to want to introduce you to the guy she’s dating seem really odd to me, and judgmental. I could meet a guy a friend is on a first date with for all I care. Maybe this is just another symptom of her clinginess somehow? I’m not making the connection but it’s a minor detail and not material to the AH judgment.
you call this person your friend and cant be honest with her.. i would consider you the asshole… had you been honest you wouldn’t have accuse your friend of B&E. Create the distance … but let them know … if you did that then they wouldn’t have done what you’ve allowed for your other “friends”
Side note. Please always close you doors. No such thing as a safe place….Just an area people haven’t targeted yet.
NTA
Tell her she can no longer use your bathroom OR your driveway, and if she “totally” breaks into your house again, the police will be involved.
Then block her on everything. This is not a friend worth keeping.
NTA. Why are you even worried about offending someone that you don’t like and broke into your home? This is the perfect excuse to sever the relationship.
Friends don’t do breaking-and-entering.
Tell them to stay away from your property.
Tell them that if it happens again, you’ll be calling the police; that should get the point across.
NTA.
NTA. This person did your a favor. Tell them you are no longer comfortable with interacting with them after they so egregiously invaded your privacy. Tell them they crossed a line and you can’t get past it.
NTA
“(Friend), I understand that you had no malicious intent but it’s important to me that you understand that it was NOT ok of you to come in on Sat/Sun without my being there or my express permission. I understand that the upstairs door was unlocked but that’s not the point. Please do not ever do that again. It is important to me that you respect this boundary.”
This is not a discussion, it’s not an argument, she just needs to acknowledge so you can both move forward.
It’s clear that the two of you are on different wavelengths with your friendship right now and, for better or for worse, you probably need to reset her expectations.
Call the cops and press charges for trespassing and property damage
NTA
She just showed a total stranger how to easily enter your home and what you own. She is NOT a friend. Kick her to the curb and start locking ALL your doors and windows. You never know what she (or her boyfriend) will do.
NTA. I really hope she’s your ex-friend now. That’s absolutely a violation of privacy and trust. I recommend getting cameras just in case she pulls a stunt like that again—as well as reporting her to the police.
People who minimize others’ valid concerns don’t understand or respect soft boundaries. I understand you don’t want to be mean, but she invaded your home with a stranger.
This is overstepping.
NTA most normal people wouldn’t dream of behaving that way.
Time to start keeping everything locked up.
NTA. Going up a fire escape to get into someone’s apartment without permission is a wild overstep.
NTA.
Others are calling this breaking and entering, but she is a person known to you, who you knew would be on the premises, and asked you for entry. You left a door unlocked. She informed you that she entered. So she didn’t commit B&E, but she is the AH here.
You can certainly tell her that you are not happy that she entered your apartment without permission. Don’t include your worry about the mess or the cat or her date, because that gives her something other than the unapproved entry to argue about.
In future of course you should always lock your doors. And consider saying “no” next time she asks to use your driveway. And remember that “No.” is a complete sentence.
That’s breaking and entering. And this is not your friend. I would interrogate yourself why you continue to let this person step all over your completely normal boundaries.
Please start locking your door. It doesn’t matter how safe your neighborhood is.
I think the other comments have pretty much covered all the main points, but I did want to respond specifically to the last sentence. The obvious response to “I didn’t think you would care,” is “Well I do care, I don’t want people going in my place without my permission when I’m not there.” If she argues about it, you could also mention that you don’t wish to remain friends with someone who refuses to respect your wishes/boundaries in this area (because that’s true, right?)
And I don’t see a reason to mention the kitchen at all. I mean, if the kitchen was spotless you still wouldn’t have wanted her breaking in like that, right? So why bring up a side issue that she could then argue pointlessly with you about?
NTA your now former friend Is an ass.
She climbed up the fire escape to gain access when the main door was locked?
LOCK your DOORs!!!!
NTA You dont have to give her an explanation. You tell her that breaking into your home after you were nice enough to let her park in your driveway is completely inappropriate. Tell her she crossed a line and you need a break from the friendship while you process what she did.
Edit- spelling
Nta
This woman completely violated your space and boundaries; a locked door is a physical boundary. Of course that would feel awful!
Next time she asks you to use your spot, say no. “You entered my home without permission and that makes me uncomfortable, please don’t do that again.”
If she’s someone who would just dismiss your reasonable concern, why is she still your friend?
NTA.
I would simply not speak to her for a while. Not that you want her to ask you if something is wrong, but you’ll set yourself up for the opportunity to say something like, “I’m doing fine, thanks for asking. I’m taking some time to think about how I want to proceed with our relationship. You crossed a boundary by entering my apartment without my permission and I deserve more respect from my friends.”
It doesn’t need to become a “you did this, that and the other thing”, you really can just say you don’t want a friendship with someone who will treat you like that.
NTA- also she may have an obsession with you if she’s acting like this. You might want to check your house for any nanny cams she may have left behind
Don’t be a push over! Stand your ground and kick her to the curb. No sense leaving your apartment or hiding in the bathroom when she knocks on your door. Just tell her flat out she violated your friendship and your trust with this stunt and you feel jilted by it . You feel it’s better to just be an acquaintance than friends at this point or nothing at all . Don’t be sad and don’t be mad . It’s probably that it happened for the best and be thankful you didn’t get robbed.
Just say that you filed a police report and watch her freak out.
NTA- I stopped reading after you said she broke in. I have friends I’ve known for 30 years and I’d never break into their house to pee. That’s wild.
Sooo… this new guy of hers now knows you don’t tend to lock your front door/ may not secure other doors? In other words a total stranger now knows that you leave your house vulnerable at times and who knows what he will do with that information.
They have bathrooms at the fair, too, and she had access to lots of local places. The gall of her to break into your place to use your bathroom! I’d suggest cutting her off. None of my friends would ever think to do that, break into my place. Just wow and you’re NTA.
Bruh break up the friendship already. YTA for complaining about it and not doing anything.