One of my closest friends is my roommate Sarah. We’ve lived together going on 4 years now, when we met and moved in together she had a boyfriend. They broke up last year which obviously was hard for her. We started going out together a lot more as I was her single friend and obviously are together a lot. As time went on, I started to feel talked over and not always included in conversations when we’d meet and mingle with boys at bars. I initially told myself lm being sensitive and overthinking it. But as months went on it kept happening and times where I thought I’d be flirting with a boy but she’d kind of steam roll. Eventually an instance like that happened where I finally had to say something.
I tried to be careful about it because I don’t want to dull her sparkle or make her feel like she has to lessen herself to make me comfortable but I also don’t love feeling left out or like I can’t shine either. And Sarah is the most bubbly outgoing girl and I love that about her. I consider myself outgoing as well but she can be a bit overpowering in my eyes, and occasionally it came off as territorial, especially when it was coming to boys. I care about my friendship with her and that’s why I had that talk with her.
Now here we are months later and sarah is telling me that I really hurt her feelings when we had that talk and she doesn’t want to dull herself down just to make me feel better. And again that wasn’t my goal but I have never felt that way with any other friends and I gave it many opportunities to try and convince myself that I was being dramatic but it had happened so many times where I felt steamrolled. So now she’s telling me that all this time she doesn’t feel like she can be herself cause she doesn’t want to threaten me. I just feel it’s becoming that our personalities are starting to clash unfortunately. Am I the asshole?
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One of my closest friends is my roommate Sarah. We’ve lived together going on 4 years now, when we met and moved in together she had a boyfriend. They broke up last year which obviously was hard for her. We started going out together a lot more as I was her single friend and obviously are together a lot. As time went on, I started to feel talked over and not always included in conversations when we’d meet and mingle with boys at bars. I initially told myself lm being sensitive and overthinking it. But as months went on it kept happening and times where I thought I’d be flirting with a boy but she’d kind of steam roll. Eventually an instance like that happened where I finally had to say something.
I tried to be careful about it because I don’t want to dull her sparkle or make her feel like she has to lessen herself to make me comfortable but I also don’t love feeling left out or like I can’t shine either. And Sarah is the most bubbly outgoing girl and I love that about her. I consider myself outgoing as well but she can be a bit overpowering in my eyes, and occasionally it came off as territorial, especially when it was coming to boys. I care about my friendship with her and that’s why I had that talk with her.
Now here we are months later and sarah is telling me that I really hurt her feelings when we had that talk and she doesn’t want to dull herself down just to make me feel better. And again that wasn’t my goal but I have never felt that way with any other friends and I gave it many opportunities to try and convince myself that I was being dramatic but it had happened so many times where I felt steamrolled. So now she’s telling me that all this time she doesn’t feel like she can be herself cause she doesn’t want to threaten me. I just feel it’s becoming that our personalities are starting to clash unfortunately. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I requested my friend be more aware in social settings of steam rolling (stated in a nicer way) as I don’t feel like I can be seen as much in social settings 2. The action may be seen as inconsiderate to her as that’s just how she is. I shouldn’t request her to change herself
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I say NTA. You came to her with how you feel and from the sounds of it, was gentle. Going forward, I find that if I am getting talked over, just continue to talk and speak a bit louder. Eventually they feel awkward and they stop talking. You can also just tell her when your interrupted. Say “hey (friend) I was talking give me a sec”.
NTA. She is not your friend though. She seems to only care about herself.
I think NTA and please don’t accept her framing of the issue. The problem isn’t that she’s so sparkly and magical that she naturally outshines all other women and what can poor widdle her do about that? The issue is that it sounds like she pushes to the center and leaves no space for anyone else, which, if accurate, sounds exhausting.
She’s taking up all the oxygen and she needs to get off your neck
NTA
Sarah is giving insecure, pick-me behavior.
Some people think they shine best when all the other lights are dimmed.
Does she ever hype you up when you’re gearing up to go out? Does she ever suggest a guy would be suited well for you? Or is it always about what she looks great in and what guy she most prefers?
“Friends” like Sarah are exhausting.
NTA, but I feel like you didn’t communicate the issue to her right and a solution wasn’t discussed that would make you both happy. It sounds like she thinks it’s about dimming her light, when it’s about allow you to shine as bright as her. Ultimately you both should be propping each other up in social situations, but requires true friendship