I’m divorced. Same old story, he cheated, I left blah blah blah.
We had the usual custody battle and we signed a settlement that gives him a build up of time as long as he meets certain criteria. He has a drinking problem and relapsed, but now is sober again. I always know when he’s been drinking. I can tell. Also, the settlement gives me the right to breathalyze him at every exchange and anytime I have suspicions. I do breathalyze him. He has not failed at all. I have not suspected alcohol use at all. It has been a few months, but I know another relapse is always possible and even likely, based on statistics.
The settlement gives him one of my weekends. I made plans to meet someone for casual sex. I never do this. I was already nervous about it. I’ve been talking to him for quite a while and we planned this weekend 2 months ago. So it’s not with a stranger. We’re friends.
I reminded my ex today that he was getting an extra weekend. I reminded him 2 weeks ago, as well. And a month ago. He had forgotten. And said he had to work. But then he said his mom could babysit.
AITAH for not saying that I’ll go ahead and keep them and canceling my plans. I don’t want to be one of those moms who puts men over her kids. But this is the first weekend in over 7 years that I’ve not had to work and also not responsible for kids. And I really wanted this weekend to happen. I want to get away and have a little bit of fun. Just this one time.
I don’t have anyone blowing up my phone. I’m not bragging about this to all my friends and family. My best friend knows. She has all his information and knows where I’ll be and if connected to my location. Just in case. And I’ve video chatted with this person and checked for a criminal record and seen his ID. He is who he says he is.
I’m just feeling incredibly guilty right now and I’m about to cancel and call my ex and tell him I’ll keep the kids.
Adding for clarity: I work every other weekend. This is literally the only time in the foreseeable future that I can do this.
One more add: he lives about 3 and a half hours from me, so we can’t really just get together after work. And I’m not going to have some random guy in my house with my kids. So he can’t just come to me.
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I’m divorced. Same old story, he cheated, I left blah blah blah.
We had the usual custody battle and we signed a settlement that gives him a build up of time as long as he meets certain criteria. He has a drinking problem and relapsed, but now is sober again. I always know when he’s been drinking. I can tell. Also, the settlement gives me the right to breathalyze him at every exchange and anytime I have suspicions. I do breathalyze him. He has not failed at all. I have not suspected alcohol use at all. It has been a few months, but I know another relapse is always possible and even likely, based on statistics.
The settlement gives him one of my weekends. I made plans to meet someone for casual sex. I never do this. I was already nervous about it. I’ve been talking to him for quite a while and we planned this weekend 2 months ago. So it’s not with a stranger. We’re friends.
I reminded my ex today that he was getting an extra weekend. I reminded him 2 weeks ago, as well. And a month ago. He had forgotten. And said he had to work. But then he said his mom could babysit.
AITAH for not saying that I’ll go ahead and keep them and canceling my plans. I don’t want to be one of those moms who puts men over her kids. But this is the first weekend in over 7 years that I’ve not had to work and also not responsible for kids. And I really wanted this weekend to happen. I want to get away and have a little bit of fun. Just this one time.
I don’t have anyone blowing up my phone. I’m not bragging about this to all my friends and family. My best friend knows. She has all his information and knows where I’ll be and if connected to my location. Just in case. And I’ve video chatted with this person and checked for a criminal record and seen his ID. He is who he says he is.
I’m just feeling incredibly guilty right now and I’m about to cancel and call my ex and tell him I’ll keep the kids.
Adding for clarity: I work every other weekend. This is literally the only time in the foreseeable future that I can do this.
One more add: he lives about 3 and a half hours from me, so we can’t really just get together after work. And I’m not going to have some random guy in my house with my kids. So he can’t just come to me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like i might be the asshole because if I decide to go instead of staying with my kids, I would be choosing a guy over them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Is his Mom a safe person to care for your kids in the absence of their father? If so, give grandma some time with the grandkids and take your free weekend.
NTA, as long as you’re comfortable with grandma. You obviously care about your kids because you said you WILL cancel if you have to as you don’t want this guy around them. That’s a good move. This can easily become a fun weekend at grandma’s as long as it’s a safe place to be.
This seems like a very bad idea. I think it is risky and careless behavior.
NTA you are a person along with being a parent, as long as your kids will be in a safe space and you are confident they will be taken care of appropriately, you are fine to keep your plans
I need more information. Why would you have to cancel if your ex-MIL is available to babysit? There’s no mention in your post of there being a problem there.
Based on the info I have, NTA for keeping your plans and letting the kids be babysat by grandma.
NTA – if you’re comfortable with the mom, then you deserve to have fun! You can take a break once in awhile. It actually helps not to get burned out.
NTA. Put aside your maternal guilt. You are allowed to have a life outside of your kids. Just because “mom” is the biggest and dominant hat that you wear doesn’t mean that’s all that you are. Psychology says that it’s good for kids to see parents practice self care. Your kids don’t have to know the nature of your mini vacation but you can explain it to them that they get to spend a fun weekend with dad and grandma, while mom gets to have a little time to be an relax as an adult and not as mom, or if they are too young you have a chance to catch up on “housework”. Trust me no kid wants to be around for that.
As for your ex, if he tries to guilt trip you, remember he’s the alcoholic f*ck up that barely has to parent. His opinion doesn’t matter.
My
NTA
But we expect an update 👀
Take out the reason you don’t want to cancel, and ask yourself again. Should you be able to have your scheduled time for yourself? Is it your responsibility to handle your ex’s failure to plan?
The great thing about divorce is that you are no longer responsible for what he does or does not keep track of. I think you should stop doing time management for him as he isn’t part of your household anymore. As long as you continue to take care of his schedule problems he will feel free to let them be your responsibility.
The casual hookup is a red herring. It doesn’t matter what you were planning to do – your ex needs to step up and take responsibility for his own schedule.
NTA and I don’t understand the question. It’s your ex’s weekend, and you have plans. What’s to feel guilty about?
NTA, but just be aware of how much pressure this puts on the weekend and try to get ahead of it. I was in a super similar scenario as the woman but I’m single/nsa and the man was the divorced one who had guilt about the trip even though he planned it, paid for it, etc. Our weekend could have been awesome but he got way too into his head, he ended up drinking way too much too quickly because of his anxiety and then picked a fight in the middle of the night and left the hotel. He apologized later and explained why, but it was just a big waste of time overall and rescheduling honestly would have been preferred.
But one night away in 7 yrs for yourself is fine! Don’t let the guilt consume you and focus on having a fun time in the moment.
NTA. Don’t feel bad at all. But for future reference you can hire a babysitter and go on dates when you have your kids. You are allowed to do that. Even to go to a hotel to have sex. You aren’t stuck in your home because you have kids.
FTK. NTA
Honestly YWBTA to yourself if you cancel for any reason other than an actual risk to your kids well-being. If you trust he’s sober and that his mom is responsible, you should maintain your plans. Your kids are better served by having you getting a break and getting to have a life than they are by you taking everything upon yourself.
Stressed out, overworked, undersexed parents are not great parents. You need a break, you earned a break and you have your responsibilities covered. Don’t listen to the voice in your head telling you otherwise.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to make up for your ex’s failures and forgetfulness. This weekend has been planned for quite some time. As long as you’re okay with his mom watching the kids, there’s no problem with moving forward with this still being his weekend.
That said, you’ve written quite a lot of information justifying this hookup. You don’t do this all the time, you’ve been talking to this guy for awhile, you’re not bragging about it, your friend has your location and his info, you did a background check, etc. Who are you trying to convince that it’s okay to do this, us or yourself? Is your ex having to work a convenient excuse to get out of a casual encounter you’re not actually on board with?
Leave the kids with your ex as planned. Then, separately, decide for yourself whether you actually want to meet up with this other guy. If so, do it! If not, spend the weekend treating yourself to a massage, a spa day, a girls’ night out—whatever you want to do that you don’t ever get to do.
The kids will get some time with their grandparents. You shouldn’t feel guilty. My mom never dated, never had fun until we were in high school. There’s a lot of things I appreciate about that but we were happy when she finally started having fun again.