I, (30’s male), was interrupted at work first thing in the morning by my, (40’s female I’ll refer to as ‘Alice’), coworker telling about her aunt’s passing.
As I’m sitting at my pc working this morning, Alice barges in and states she had a bad weekend due to her aunt’s passing. She then goes on to tell me in detail how they moved her from the ICU to hospice, and that she got to be there as she passed. For context, she dies this not even an hour after I start work AND It’s Monday morning after the weekend. Discussing this type of topic makes me very uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to stop her because it seemed rude, so I let her tell me the 30 min. story. After her story and some tears, she goes back to her office. By the end of the whole thing, my mental state was a mess due to some past trauma surrounding this topic.
I complained to a friend about how inconsiderate it is to barge into someone’s office and take up their time with a traumatic event, but I was told I was being rude and should have shutdown the conversation and set boundaries if showing empathy was too much, (making me feel worse). In an attempt to come up with a solution, I choose to tell Alice a few hours later, that I’m sorry about her aunt’s passing but that not only did she take a lot of my time, but she also trauma dumped on me and made my day a little worse. I then added that in the future, her business is her business and I don’t want / need to know about it. I said this in the kindest way possible. She then responded by saying she would, “Just never tell me anything again.” At which point I said that was fine. She did eventually apologize saying she wasn’t trying to be hateful, she just needed time to collect herself.
She keeps trying to be a close friend when I send clear signals I just want to be coworkers and nothing more.
Am I the asshole for not wanting to be involved in her personal life / be her friend? Also, for setting a boundary because about her personal affairs due to her trauma dumping about her Aunt???
For context: I have shown up at a bar for her husband’s birthday one time. Beyond that, our only contact is at work.
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I, (30’s male), was interrupted at work first thing in the morning by my, (40’s female I’ll refer to as ‘Alice’), coworker telling about her aunt’s passing.
As I’m sitting at my pc working this morning, Alice barges in and states she had a bad weekend due to her aunt’s passing. She then goes on to tell me in detail how they moved her from the ICU to hospice, and that she got to be there as she passed. For context, she dies this not even an hour after I start work AND It’s Monday morning after the weekend. Discussing this type of topic makes me very uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to stop her because it seemed rude, so I let her tell me the 30 min. story. After her story and some tears, she goes back to her office. By the end of the whole thing, my mental state was a mess due to some past trauma surrounding this topic.
I complained to a friend about how inconsiderate it is to barge into someone’s office and take up their time with a traumatic event, but I was told I was being rude and should have shutdown the conversation and set boundaries if showing empathy was too much, (making me feel worse). In an attempt to come up with a solution, I choose to tell Alice a few hours later, that I’m sorry about her aunt’s passing but that not only did she take a lot of my time, but she also trauma dumped on me and made my day a little worse. I then added that in the future, her business is her business and I don’t want / need to know about it. I said this in the kindest way possible. She then responded by saying she would, “Just never tell me anything again.” At which point I said that was fine. She did eventually apologize saying she wasn’t trying to be hateful, she just needed time to collect herself.
She keeps trying to be a close friend when I send clear signals I just want to be coworkers and nothing more.
Am I the asshole for not wanting to be involved in her personal life / be her friend? Also, for setting a boundary because about her personal affairs due to her trauma dumping about her Aunt???
For context: I have shown up at a bar for her husband’s birthday one time. Beyond that, our only contact is at work.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my coworker I didn’t want to know about her personal affairs, and that hearing about her aunt’s death was too much. 2. Were my actions too cold and unfeeling? Am I just being grouchy when I should have been more empathetic?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA (but with a small caveat).
It sounds like Alice was genuinely grieving and, in her emotional state, didn’t stop to consider that Monday morning, first thing at work, might not be the best time to unload. Thirty minutes of unsolicited detail about a death is a lot, especially when it touched on your own past trauma. You’re allowed to set boundaries about how much of that you can take in at work. You’re not her therapist, and you were hired to do your job, not provide grief counseling.
That said, where this could come across as harsh is the way you delivered your boundary. Telling someone “your business is your business and I don’t need to know about it” reads cold, even if you meant it kindly. A softer approach like: “I’m really sorry for your loss, but I struggle with these conversations because of my own history, so I’d appreciate keeping our talks more work-focused” might land better, an have been more appropriate and taken better if you’d set that boundary when she spoke with you in the morning.
Bottom line: you’re not wrong for wanting to keep coworker relationships professional and for protecting your mental health. The delivery just needed a touch more tact, which is probably why she reacted the way she did.
I sure hope no one ever passes away in your life and you want to talk to someone about it. What is so wrong with having a kind heart and a little empathy and just saying you’re sorry about her aunt. If I told you something like that and you came and told me what you said to her I would never talk to you again I definitely would not come back to you and apologize.
NTA you are not her friend you are a colleague and she stepped over many boundaries.
So you made her aunt’s passing all about you. YTA.
YTA. Loud and clear. 🙄
Is this for real? YTA obviously. Her family member died. Somehow you think you’re the victim here? Just say “sorry for your loss” and move on, not that hard. You actually went up to her and told her off about it? Trust me there is no way to say those things “in the kindest way possible.” Big asshole.
Mild ESH, you both kept going on all this way more than needed. Nod in passing at work and move on.
YTA She probably just really needed to vent after the trauma of literally just having a family member DIE. People aren’t necessarily rational and thinking about the day of the week and work right after a trauma. She wrongly assumed you were a normal human being that would offer some grace and would spare a bit of empathy. Do you really only care about yourself that much, that you can’t give another person a bit of sympathy during a loss because it makes part of your day mildly more inconvenient?
Hopefully you never experience the death of a loved one and feel the overwhelming need to talk about it; then be told that your attempt to soothe your mind and seek comfort from another human being is just bothersome. It’s essentially only your problem, therefore you’re not welcome to seek empathy.
YTA – just wait. You’ll have your turn. We all do. And I hope you will find a person that is as empathetic as you.
Surely, if you are an adult human holding an office job, you have learned to tune things out for the sake of doing work. (I sign 10 cards a week without even reading them first). You should have ended it with “I’m sorry about your loss,” and moved on with your life. Coming back up to her hours later to bring her aunt’s death up again, and on top of that to make it about yourself (like Monday’s even have a vibe to ruin) is absolutely wild.
I understand wanting boundaries between your coworkers and your personal life. But this is just a lack of decency, empathy, and etiquette.
Also, the last line about having went to a bar to celebrate her husbands birthday makes it sound like you only want to be friendly for the perks but not when people actually need you. Not cool. YTA.
YTA
You uncomfortably listened to her tale of woe until she went away- fine. You vented to a friend (who apparantly has more empathy than you) about the unpleasant experience- fine. You COMPLAINED to her about it hours later?!?!- not fine and also WHY?!! Why the hell?
Like sorry that experience sucked/affected your day but she left and you were in the clear! If you want to establish some more professional boundaries with her down the line, go for it, but her aunt just DIED, read the room dude.
ESH. Stong YTA and soft your co-workers the asshole.
You for making your co-workers death about you.
Your co-worker for trauma dumping without permission at work.
You again for how you brought up to her.
You say you have trauma about people passing because people were unkind and unsympathetic to your feelings during this time and then turn around and treat her the same way you were treated that made you traumatized.
YTA actually the only bigger AH is the company you work for not allowing a grieving person a few days off.
She vented to you for 30 minutes and then left you alone, you went back to her and made her aunts death about you. Thats really shitty.
Why are you trauma dumping on me about this incident? Something similar happened to me 20 years ago so this is really triggering for me, to add to which you’ve taken up my precious time and made my day slightly worse.
I don’t want to be friends so keep this stuff to yourself as I don’t want / need to know about it.
I’m saying this in the kindest possible way.
You’re asking the wrong question, because this isn’t “Am I the asshole for not wanting to be involved in her personal life / be her friend? Also, for setting a boundary because about her personal affairs due to her trauma dumping about her Aunt.” You don’t have to be her friend or involved in her personal life to say “gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that, I hope you have many good memories that will give you some comfort,” and move on.
It’s not being her best friend, it’s basic human decency when someone you know is having a difficult time. So yes, YTA.
You can be technically right and still an asshole. No, you don’t have to be friends with a coworker. And yes, it was awkward of her.
There was no kind way to say what you did.
Living in a society means that sometimes you are going to be uncomfortable and that sometimes another person’s pain is more important than your good Monday morning.
Have a little compassion. Contrary to what some people believe, empathy isn’t a bad word.
Absolutely not. Cut them off immediately. You are at work, you are NOT their feiend, you are a colleague. They may feel better after they dump on you, but you’ll feel worse. You have your own issues to deal with, we all do. Ya leave ’em at the door when you enter the office and pick em up whrn you leave. .
NTA. Yes, Alice is grieving. But she barged into your office and trauma dumped on you without your consent. If she was so traumatized and grief stricken from her Aunt’s passing, she should have taken bereavement leave. It is not your job to comfort her or to be a sounding board so she can collect herself.
Your co-worker is trying to navigate grief while still going to work. You might try being sympathetic or empathetic. YTA.
I almost thought is was ‘Am I the Angel’ 💀 ofc YTA
YTA have some empathy my friend
YTA. Kind of heartbreaking that she apologized to you.
Not only are YTA, you’re also an entitled prick.
She lost a family member and you’re the one having a bad day? Yikes. YTA.
No one gets out of here alive. Take a minute to be a good human. If you’re gifted a long life, you will lose a lot of people. We are all traumatized.
Going against the grain. NTA. It’s not your responsibility to listen to your coworkers’ grief. It’s completely appropriate to say, “Hey, next time, please dont do that. I’d like to keep a boundary with personal and professional life.” Which is a VERY appropriate boundary to have! Yes, her aunt died. Yes, she is traumatized. That is NOT the fault or dumbing station for OP. He WAS polite when it happened. It’s also okay to go up afterward and explain your VERY APPROPRIATE BOUNDARY. If she wants to vent, she can talk with her family, friends, therapist, or someone who welcomes the conversation.
Who goes to work waiting for your coworker to talk about their traumatic weekend? I mean, more power to you if you do, but not everyone is cool with that. And that’s okay!
YTA, Alice needed to let out some of her grief and you seemed like a safe person and place to do that. Instead you are on Reddit being horrible about it, even though you said it only took up 30 minutes of your time. Death isn’t a comfortable topic, you are in your 30’s, you know it happens, show a little compassion for your coworker.
Definitely NTA, my aunt died , I got the call at work and I just told my boss I was leaving for the rest of the day. I had to go tell my mother her sister had died. Never did I think to relay this story to my coworkers, I left and they didn’t see or hear from me untill after the funeral . I honestly didn’t want “comfort” from people who were at best acquaintances, I also find the standard “so sorry for your loss” to be empty words. If someone’s relative died and the office decides to send flowers I’ll chip in and sign a card. But for someone to sit and unload the details about their relative’s last moments to me is a bit much.
NAH. It’s an awkward situation. She’s allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to not be ok with being dumped on.
I’ve had someone trauma dump and word vomit on me, and it’s exhausting and traumatising, amongst other things.
Real friends know enough about you to make sure you have the bandwidth/capacity/mental health to listen to their trauma before just unloading on you.
YTA. There were plenty of ways you could have politely stopped her when she was actually telling you what had happened (for example “I’m so sorry for your loss. This must be difficult for you. Can I arrange a time to give you my full attention later on?) or you could have told her you had to go to the bathroom. You absolutely did not have to go and tell her that she ruined your mental health.
I am so glad that I am a boomer . You younger guys have to toughen up . The worst isn’t yet to come !!
>Am I the asshole for not wanting to be involved in her personal life / be her friend?
NTA for this.
>Also, for setting a boundary because about her personal affairs due to her trauma dumping about her Aunt???
YTA for how you handled that. you didn’t need to go back to her and say anything, even in the “kindest way possible”.
No one enjoys hearing about death but we listen bc we’re decent people.
Pretty much everyone has trauma from someone passing. You are not different.
I don’t personally think of someone telling a coworker about a death in their family as trauma dumping. I think of trauma dumping as involving much more serious topics than an aunt passing. Like childhood abuse or something more serious like that.
You have every right to say what you said to your coworker, but do I think it makes you an asshole? Yes.
ESH. You’re colleagues, not members in a support group, and she shouldn’t have just barged in and unloaded about such a sensitive subject without checking in with you first (ie. that you were ready to receive it at the start of your day/week).
On the other hand, you should have stopped her gently in the moment (hey, I’m really sorry you had to go through this and I want to support you, but I had a really awful experience when my X was in the hospital so I’d appreciate keeping details to a minimum); OR spoken to her about its impact on you once some time had passed and not like, same day while she’s clearly in immediate grief.
YTA
You were not rude the first day letting her vent to you. Your friend is so backwards about that.
You were kinda rude in in the conversation with her setting your boundaries.
Its like you set out to reprimand Alice and dress her down. Just way critical long winded towards a grieving lady that vented to you once about her dying Aunt.
I think you would have been better off something different, like this….and maybe even the next time you see her say….
>I’m sorry about your aunt, and im sorry about our conversation the other day. I dealt with something similar and it still bothers me enough that I can’t process stuff like that while I’m trying to work. I hope you understand, thank you.