My best friend Kayla is getting married in four months and wants me to be her MOH. I’m so over the moon excited, but I’m really uncomfortable in the dress she wants me to wear and I can’t wear it.
I grew up with three brothers, no mom, and I was made to feel insecure the second my body started developing. I have bigger boobs, and my brothers and dad sexualized me my entire childhood. Because of this I’ve always hated wearing dresses, tight cloths, or anything really that shows cleavage. Kayla knows this and still, she picked a dress with a very low-cut V-neck and a corset. I told her the dress made me uncomfortable, but her response was just it was her wedding, and she specifically picked a dress that I’d look hot in.
I decided to just suck it up and wear the dress, but when I tried it on, I almost had a panic attack. You could see EVERYTHING. Not only cleavage, but every one of my scars. Abuse scars, absolutely everything. I told her I just physically couldn’t show all of that in front of so many people. I tried compromising by asking if maybe I could add sleeves and sew up the V a little bit, but she said no.
That night I went home and looked at my body in the mirror for the first time in a while. I sobbed for hours. I can barely look at myself without freaking out, there’s no way I’ll be able to hold it together at her wedding.
I explained this to Kayla, and she got really upset. She said that she also had insecurities, but she doesn’t let them take over her entire life. I tried explaining that it was more than that, and every single scar on my body came with pain and trauma that I really don’t want everyone to see. She didn’t understand and told me I was being a self-centered asshole.
I feel really bad, but I don’t know what she wants me to do. AITA?
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My best friend Kayla is getting married in four months and wants me to be her MOH. I’m so over the moon excited, but I’m really uncomfortable in the dress she wants me to wear and I can’t wear it.
I grew up with three brothers, no mom, and I was made to feel insecure the second my body started developing. I have bigger boobs, and my brothers and dad sexualized me my entire childhood. Because of this I’ve always hated wearing dresses, tight cloths, or anything really that shows cleavage. Kayla knows this and still, she picked a dress with a very low-cut V-neck and a corset. I told her the dress made me uncomfortable, but her response was just it was her wedding, and she specifically picked a dress that I’d look hot in.
I decided to just suck it up and wear the dress, but when I tried it on, I almost had a panic attack. You could see EVERYTHING. Not only cleavage, but every one of my scars. Abuse scars, absolutely everything. I told her I just physically couldn’t show all of that in front of so many people. I tried compromising by asking if maybe I could add sleeves and sew up the V a little bit, but she said no.
That night I went home and looked at my body in the mirror for the first time in a while. I sobbed for hours. I can barely look at myself without freaking out, there’s no way I’ll be able to hold it together at her wedding.
I explained this to Kayla, and she got really upset. She said that she also had insecurities, but she doesn’t let them take over her entire life. I tried explaining that it was more than that, and every single scar on my body came with pain and trauma that I really don’t want everyone to see. She didn’t understand and told me I was being a self-centered asshole.
I feel really bad, but I don’t know what she wants me to do. AITA?
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> I refused to wear the dress my best friend wants me to wear to be her MOH and I think I’m the asshole because she said I was being a self centered Asshole and that everyone is dealing with insecurities.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but Kayla sure is. If you can’t wear the dress, you can’t wear the dress and Kayla needs to get down off her wedding-themed rosy cloud and pay attention to her friends.
NTA! Yes it’s her wedding, but you’re not a doll for her to dress up. She may also have insecurities but it sounds like you’re talking about more than just the average insecurities most of us have (tbf, maybe she is too, I don’t know her background). But that she’s also insisting you display your scars and trauma for everyone to see is horrible. You deserve much better from a best friend.
NTA
You are not required to re-traumatize yourself for someone else’s wedding. I’m sorry, your friend doesn’t understand but please know that you are absolutely not being a self-centred asshole. I think she’s projecting a bit.
Please don’t wear anything that makes you feel that uncomfortable. I do hope that you are seeking therapy to help you through your trauma though.
NTA
NTA. You are a person, not a prop for her photos and vision of her perfect day ™. Your participation in her wedding is supposed to be a two-way honor – both you and the bride are honoring the friendship and care between you. This is not how you honor your shared history and the support you have given the bride and groom, you do not owe them your bared flesh to prove fealty to their marriage. This is a disgusting absurd abuse of your loyalty to the bride for her to demand you set aside trauma for her. Please really consider if you are being given the same respect and loyalty you are being asked to deliver.
What you are describing aren’t “insecurities” and honestly if she doesn’t understand this I’d rethink the friendship. Hell… “best friend”. What kind of a friend would push a trauma trigger like this let alone a best friend. NTA but I’d highly recommend rethinking this friendship. GL
100% NTA! Even if it is her wedding, your best friend should absolutely care about your comfort, even in a situation with no scars and trauma. You don’t deserve feeling exposed and anxious for hours on what’s supposed to be such a special and joyous day.
At the end of the day it is her wedding, but if it was me I’d tell her that if she can’t respect your boundaries around the coverage your dress needs, then you won’t be attending. And if she still doesn’t reconsider, I honestly think that would be a huge red flag.
NTA. A wedding doesn’t give someone the right to disregard your feelings and boundaries as to what you’re comfortable in. If the bride is truly your friend she would not traumatize you with that dress.
NTA A true friend would put your feelings about this above their ONE day. I can’t imagine how hard it is bringing the trauma and instead of supporting you, she’s making it about her.
I’d reevaluate this friendship tbh.
NTA! Your so called friend is certainly not acting like a friend! 😳. A real friend would care more about re-traumatizing you over a dress! I would rethink this “friendship” if I were you.
NTA with a caveat –
It’s super insensitive and emotionally manipulative for her to selfishly force you to wear things you are uncomfortable with. No one should wear anything they are uncomfortable with.
On a separate issue however, your trauma, past and emotional differences are not anyone else’s burden to manage other than your own so I do think it would be best if you tried to resolve it, at your own pace, if you haven’t already tried. She doesn’t get a carte blanche cuz it’s hers wedding, she doesn’t get to force anything. However for your overall life, people aren’t obligated to always pivot to accommodate you tailored to your trauma, just to make sure it’s clear, her wedding absolutely doesn’t fall under that. She’s allowed to ask; you have every right to say no without negative retaliation
NTA. It might be time to find a new friend. She’s showing her bridezella it bright colors. She should be willing to let you wear a shawl or something.
She’s not your friend, she’s purposefully trying to embarrass and shame you. My guess is she’s probably the less attractive of the two of you and the only way in her mind that she can make sure the attention is on her is to make you look bad … which is insane, but that usually how narcissistic people are.
Don’t wear it, if she won’t compromise then don’t go, it’s not worth ruining your mental health.
But seriously though who picks that type of dress for a bridesmaid?! That’s so tacky and gross, NTA
NTA. Your friend should be willing to help you get the dress adjusted so it’s right for you. It’s her day, but it doesn’t need to further traumatize someone she claims is important to her.
For the long term, though, continue to work on your relationship with yourself. Your dad and brothers were toxic as hell and you didn’t deserve any of it. I’m sure you’re perfectly lovely and you deserve to wear things without fear or shame.
NTA. Kayla really isn’t your friend.
Kayla is not your friend. She knows about your trauma, and you’ve been very clear about how the dress makes you feel. Yet, she is insisting that you’re the selfish one when she’s the one who’s ignoring your feelings.
NTA, tell her that you aren’t comfortable being MOH, and if she tries to guilt trip into it, tell her you won’t be attending the wedding and block her.
NTA. A best friend would not force you to be so uncomfortable. Looking “hot” is so overrated. You can look good without exposing things you don’t want to.
What uptopian world did this bride to be grow up in where people never commented on someones body or ask invasion questions? People can be insensitive assholes. You shouldn’t even have to explain yourself to your “best friend”, if she really loved you, she would not ask this of you.
NTA Go as a guest or not at all.
NTA
You described her as your “best friend”. I question whether or not this connection goes both ways.
I usually fall on the side of “your wedding, your rules” so I won’t say that she has to compromise. I will instead say this – a true friend wouldn’t choose a wedding as the time to force a friend to face childhood abuse issues. She doesn’t have to compromise on her dress choice but you don’t have to wear it. Let her know – it is either the dress or the person, but you won’t be at her wedding in that dress. Her answer will clear up how very “best” she is as a friend.