My boyfriend and I decided to take a weeklong vacation in California recently. That also happens to be where my sister is located so I let her know weeks in advance that we will be in there in the hopes that we could grab food together sometime. She lets
me know that her schedule is super packed (work during the day and class in the evening) and that the only days she has available are Wednesday evening and Friday evening. However, she’s already made Friday plans w her friends so she’s only available Wednesday. We loosely decide on possibly seeing each other Wednesday for dinner.
On Tuesday of the week of the vacation, my sister and I solidify that we will see each other Wednesday. It takes a lot of back and forth to decide on a restaurant because my hotel is a bit far from her & additionally all 3 of us are a bit picky about food. Initially she brought up going somewhere about 16 minutes from her and 50 minutes from me but the place looked eh so I didn’t really want to make the drive for it so I rejected that. Anyway, we end up deciding on a KBBQ chain that is 13 miles away from her and 23 miles from us. HOWEVER, very late at night on Tuesday, I realize that the location I picked doesn’t have something on the menu that I really wanted to eat. So I ended up finding another location that had what I wanted on the menu and messaged her around Midnight if that would be ok with her. I thought that this would be a “win win” situation because I checked prior to messaging her that the place would be closer (9 miles away from her instead of 13) to the city that she’s in AND i’d get to eat what I wanted.
Fast forward to Wednesday. She messages me around 6AM asking “can I let you know after work if I’m going
I’ve been a little tired”. I tell her no & to just cancel because I do not want to wait until she’s done with work (around 3-4PM) to see if i’m having dinner with her or not. I had already planned out lunch and other activities around seeing her & felt like it would be annoying to do everything under the guise that i’d have dinner with her and then not have dinner. She doesn’t take this well and lashes out, calling me inconsiderate as well throwing in irrelevant personal insults.
To her defense, the 2nd location I suggested is further than the 1st location but a handful of miles and therefore not the “win win” I envisioned. However, I did not know this because I don’t have her exact location and just typed the city she’s in into google. But to my defense, I would’ve been fine just going to the 1st location if she had told me that. Instead she just gave me a “maybe” in response to the 2nd location & didn’t explain that to me till we were already arguing.
This is a silly argument but we haven’t talked in a week now over it. I’m hurt about her lashing out and I assume she’s hurt because i’m inconsiderate.
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My boyfriend and I decided to take a weeklong vacation in California recently. That also happens to be where my sister is located so I let her know weeks in advance that we will be in there in the hopes that we could grab food together sometime. She lets
me know that her schedule is super packed (work during the day and class in the evening) and that the only days she has available are Wednesday evening and Friday evening. However, she’s already made Friday plans w her friends so she’s only available Wednesday. We loosely decide on possibly seeing each other Wednesday for dinner.
On Tuesday of the week of the vacation, my sister and I solidify that we will see each other Wednesday. It takes a lot of back and forth to decide on a restaurant because my hotel is a bit far from her & additionally all 3 of us are a bit picky about food. Initially she brought up going somewhere about 16 minutes from her and 50 minutes from me but the place looked eh so I didn’t really want to make the drive for it so I rejected that. Anyway, we end up deciding on a KBBQ chain that is 13 miles away from her and 23 miles from us. HOWEVER, very late at night on Tuesday, I realize that the location I picked doesn’t have something on the menu that I really wanted to eat. So I ended up finding another location that had what I wanted on the menu and messaged her around Midnight if that would be ok with her. I thought that this would be a “win win” situation because I checked prior to messaging her that the place would be closer (9 miles away) to the city that she’s in AND i’d get to eat what I wanted.
Fast forward to Wednesday. She messages me around 6AM asking “can I let you know after work if I’m going
I’ve been a little tired”. I tell her no & to just cancel because I do not want to wait until she’s done with work (around 3-4PM) to see if i’m having dinner with her or not. I had already planned out lunch and other activities around seeing her & felt like it would be annoying to do everything under the guise that i’d have dinner with her and then not have dinner. She doesn’t take this well and lashes out, calling me inconsiderate as well throwing in irrelevant personal insults.
To her defense, the 2nd location I suggested is further than the 1st location but a handful of miles and therefore not the “win win” I envisioned. However, I did not know this because I don’t have her exact location and just typed the city she’s in into google. But to my defense, I would’ve been fine just going to the 1st location if she had told me that. Instead she just gave me a “maybe” in response to the 2nd location.
This is a silly argument but we haven’t talked in a week now over it. I’m hurt about her lashing out and I assume she’s hurt because i’m inconsiderate.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> my action is cancelling on dinner plans with my sister due to her giving a “maybe” & it might make me the asshole because i didn’t consider her being tired
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You guys all sound exhausting. ESH.
ESH just make a plan and do it ffs
ESH I mean she shouldnt have lashed out the way she did, but it sounds like making these plans was already a process so you unilaterally changing the plans late the night before is annoying. Also, if I have to eat something I’m not crazy about to hang out with people I love, especially if the plans were complicated to begin with, I just deal with it. Did she like anything at that restaurant? It feels like you were only thinking of yourself in that moment.
YTA and so is your sister, do you even like each other?
ESH, but I’m thinking your sister is less caring than you are. Both of you seem to be hard to pin down. You kept moving the goal and your sister, probably frustrated about this, pushed back with her “maybe.” Likewise, seems that your sister wasn’t that hep on meeting up if she prioritized being with her friends over seeing you on Friday. Likely, things would have gone better if you’d had an actual conversation to work things out rather than texting.
Do you make everything in your life way more complicated than it needs to be? Does everything always have to be your way or the highway?
You sound exhausting. The title of the post should be, “AITA for telling my sister we should just cancel after she politely got annoyed when I kept changing plans?”
YTA
ESH -Besides the confusion that I had about not knowing exactly where she lives, you all presumably came a fair distance and don’t see her very often, so I didn’t really understand why she couldn’t move her Friday plans.
In the end, the back and forth over the restaurant was just ridiculous. Seeing family is the important part, not whether you love the menu. As long as you could eat there, just stick with it and don’t change last minute.
While you do all sound a bit exhausting about this, at least you seem equally exhausting. So I’m going with NTA. Reason is she made so little time to see you and then wanted you to be in limbo all day as to whether she would trouble herself to bother seeing you at all at the end of the day. Oh, maybe if she’s up to it. LMAO. She doesn’t put much of a priority on seeing you, does she? She’s probably just mad you didn’t accept her off-putting terms.
Depending on where you are, nine miles is a lot. 5 miles in my city is at least 35 minutes. So maybe the mile difference is less but the time difference is a big factor.
ESH. Omg. Poor you. Couldn’t be bothered to wait until she was done working when y’all already had dinner plans locked in. She shouldn’t have lashed out, but, you had plans on lock then wanted to change them, again. Ffs. Honestly? I feel like you two should have been less focused on the dinner part and more focused on meeting up and catching up in person. If you truly had such an aversion to everything on the menue, you could have just nibbled on a bowl of rice, then gone to a place you’d actually eat at after. There were solutions.
You are both exhausting.
Could you have just gone the last 9 miles more and actually visited her instead? Look at her place, meet the roommates, walk to a close restaurant. Really connect. This was a story all about logistics and who even cares that much? You were on vacation, you had all the time in the world and again, just go the whole way instead of trying to meet in the no man’s land middle and work out some random restaurant that neither of you know. Why were you so focused on your future meal that late at night. You should have taken your sister to her favorite local restaurant instead, treat her to the dinner and be amazing!
All these sounds very self centered in your end. Did you ask her if it’s ok to change to the new place or if she prefers the original fixed one… the one that the 3 of you spent way to much time going back and forth with.
It sounds really exhausting. Fix a plan and go ahead with it. Meeting your sister is more important than a meal, tbh.
Does she always accommodate your last minute changes? Maybe her reaction is matching your energy. It shows that you don’t like last minute changes or uncertainty too. She’s just mirroring you back to you, and you don’t like what you see…. probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. Time to do some self-reflection and speak to your sister when you have done that.
I also notice that you like to say “if I’ve known” (that the location is further from her, ie depending on her letting you know), “if she’s told me (that she wants to go to the first location, ie depending on her letting you know, again”…. it’s really very defensive and pushing responsibility on her giving you more information. It’s sounds defensive on your end — I won’t have done this IF she had told me. Why does she need to be the one doing all the “ifs” …. it’s really quite annoying tbh.
ESH
You don’t reallt want to see each other. Stop pretending.