I (20F) am in my second year of university, first year there I met my current boyfriend (20M) who is in the same class as me. I live far away, but he lives in the same city as our university is. I have my dorm room (without any roommates) – my parents are paying for it (so it’s not like I need some place to crush out). My Boyfriend can visit me there but cannot stay overnight – that the main reason why I stay at his place soo much time last spring around the time of finals. We studied together I helped him a lot.
Now he wants me to live with him, his parents and older brother (works from home) full time. Their house is big, literally we can go hours without getting in anyone’s way. But …
Here’s the issues: I feel like I am the extra one whenever I am there. According to my boyfriend, nobody has issue with me being there, even he said that his mom is saying really nice things about me to relatives and friends (when my boyfriend was with his ex, his mom had no problem saying bad things about her even in front of my boyfriend) But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m freeloader. I’m not paying rent, I’m not paying for groceries – if we go shopping I and my boyfriend (we pay for snacks or dine out 50-50.)
Now I’m staying there mainly at weekends, I am eating with them lunch (weekdays BF and I are eating at the campus) – it makes me uncomfortable eating their food cause my own parents sometimes mention how expensive is feeding me and my sibling. We don’t struggle financially. I don’t want his parents to think that I’m a burden. Because of that I take really small portions and skip breakfast and dinner altogether. So yeah, I’m kinda starving, his mom noticed it, but I never take more cause I don’t feel like at home to just go to refrigerator and take whatever I want. So I always ensure her that I’m fine and don’t need more.
I love my boyfriend and want to live with him, but staying at his parent’s place makes me feel that I don’t belong there and shouldn’t be there. I’m afraid that someone get angry at me for being so often there and eating their food. My boyfriend swears that will never happened and his family genuinely likes and are happy I’m helping him with school stuff. But I still think that everything has its’s own limits and one day someone snaps at me.
So here’s my question: AITA for spending a lot of time at my boyfriend’s parents’ house without contributing financially? And maybe staying there without paying rent?
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I (20F) am in my second year of university, first year there I met my current boyfriend (20M) who is in the same class as me. I live far away, but he lives in the same city as our university is. I have my dorm room (without any roommates) – my parents are paying for it (so it’s not like I need some place to crush out). My Boyfriend can visit me there but cannot stay overnight – that the main reason why I stay at his place soo much time last spring around the time of finals. We studied together I helped him a lot.
Now he wants me to live with him, his parents and older brother (works from home) full time. Their house is big, literally we can go hours without getting in anyone’s way. But …
Here’s the issues: I feel like I am the extra one whenever I am there. According to my boyfriend, nobody has issue with me being there, even he said that his mom is saying really nice things about me to relatives and friends (when my boyfriend was with his ex, his mom had no problem saying bad things about her even in front of my boyfriend) But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m freeloader. I’m not paying rent, I’m not paying for groceries – if we go shopping I and my boyfriend (we pay for snacks or dine out 50-50.)
Now I’m staying there mainly at weekends, I am eating with them lunch (weekdays BF and I are eating at the campus) – it makes me uncomfortable eating their food cause my own parents sometimes mention how expensive is feeding me and my sibling. We don’t struggle financially. I don’t want his parents to think that I’m a burden. Because of that I take really small portions and skip breakfast and dinner altogether. So yeah, I’m kinda starving, his mom noticed it, but I never take more cause I don’t feel like at home to just go to refrigerator and take whatever I want. So I always ensure her that I’m fine and don’t need more.
I love my boyfriend and want to live with him, but staying at his parent’s place makes me feel that I don’t belong there and shouldn’t be there. I’m afraid that someone get angry at me for being so often there and eating their food. My boyfriend swears that will never happened and his family genuinely likes and are happy I’m helping him with school stuff. But I still think that everything has its’s own limits and one day someone snaps at me.
So here’s my question: AITA for spending a lot of time at my boyfriend’s parents’ house without contributing financially? And maybe staying there without paying rent?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) – I’m spending too much time at my boyfriend’s place, I’m eating their food and I’m not paying for anything (2) – Not contributing to the household
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA if you didn’t offer a bit of $ directly to his parents, to at least help offset cost of utilities (and groceries, if they feed you). If they refuse, then NAH.
Maybe offer to cook them a meal, buy some groceries and help out with chores around the house?
When my daughters used to bring home their boyfriends for dinner or to hang out on the weekends, I’d always feed them, no questions asked.
I did always appreciate when they offered to help cook the meal or prepare the sides/salads and assist in cleaning up afterwards.
Showed way more effort than just offering money.
NTA. If he invited you to stay there, he invited you to stay there. Did you offer to contribute some rent? Did you offer to cook or help in some way? If he’s happy to invite you to stay there over the weekend, and if he declines your offer to share rent, etc, then you don’t need to offer more and certainly don’t need to feel guilty.
According to the description, it doesn’t seem like there is some conflict, just the perception you are worrying about.
You’re NTA OP but ideally you should contribute financially in some way, even a small amount is fine. It should likely prevent an issue like that.
Tell BF’s mom how you feel, and ask how you can contribute NOW. (Eg help clean up, cook the occasional meal, bring in some groceries or treats for Sunday lunch.) The sentiment will be appreciated! Then if you do move in, ask upfront how much rent they would expect you to pay. They may turn that down, but at least you offered!
.You’re thoughtful and respectful. If they had an issue, they’d speak up. Small gestures like helping out or bringing treats can ease your mind, but you’re not doing anything wrong.
NTA. They’re telling you they love you and your company. This isn’t about money it’s about family. You are clearly not a burden to them, so don’t feel like one