I (24F) used to be super close with my friend “M.” We’d do everything together, coffee runs, random Target trips, late-night talks. But ever since she started dating this guy, she literally never shows up alone.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a quick lunch or even just hanging out at my place, he’s there. And honestly? I don’t like him. He doesn’t talk much, he just kind of sits there scrolling on his phone or making little comments that kill the vibe.
Last week I finally snapped and told her, “I miss just hanging out with you. I don’t want to hang out if he’s always gonna be there.” She got super defensive and said I was being unfair, that he’s “part of her now,” and that real friends would accept him.
Now she’s barely talking to me, and some mutuals say I was rude for “forcing her to choose.” But I feel like I lost my friend to this guy and I don’t want to be a third wheel every time.
So… AITA?
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I (24F) used to be super close with my friend “M.” We’d do everything together, coffee runs, random Target trips, late-night talks. But ever since she started dating this guy, she literally never shows up alone.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a quick lunch or even just hanging out at my place, he’s there. And honestly? I don’t like him. He doesn’t talk much, he just kind of sits there scrolling on his phone or making little comments that kill the vibe.
Last week I finally snapped and told her, “I miss just hanging out with you. I don’t want to hang out if he’s always gonna be there.” She got super defensive and said I was being unfair, that he’s “part of her now,” and that real friends would accept him.
Now she’s barely talking to me, and some mutuals say I was rude for “forcing her to choose.” But I feel like I lost my friend to this guy and I don’t want to be a third wheel every time.
So… AITA?
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> I might be the asshole because I gave my friend an ultimatum instead of finding a compromise.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
nta but you could have handled it better. imo you should have just faded out.
NTA. You weren’t forching her to choose. She hangs out with him without you, she can hang out with you without him.
She’s your friend. Or at least she’s supposed to be. You didn’t ask her to choose. But she may be doing that all by herself. Seems like she’s not gunna choose you. But you should.
NTA
You’re just being honest on how you feel
NTA – as long as you were not harsh when you said this. I hope you could be kind and calm when asking if you could just have girl time without him there all the time. you are not asking her to make a choice between you but asking her instead to carve out some time for your friends without him. she does not need to be attached at the hip all of the time to him and in fact he might like the free time himself.
NTA
It’s healthy to have one on one time with your friends, even when you’re in a relationship. You’re not asking her to choose. You didn’t explicitly say you don’t want to hang out with them together ever, just that you’d like some one on one time with her too.
I’m in a long term relationship. We hang out together with friends, and we hang out alone with friends. It doesn’t kill our relationship in the slightest. The only choice she needs to make it whether she values making the effort to have quality time with you over other commitments.
NTA that’s some toxic thinking on her part that he is “part of her” she’s loosing herself in her relationship and when it blows up she won’t have any friends left.
NTA.
It’s nice to have some personal time with just your friends, not their “other,” you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for wanting to spend time with your friend and not be forced to spend time with someone who isn’t.
It’s also not a great way to look at a partner, as having them “be part of you,” they compliment (figuratively, I mean) you, they aren’t your other half, and if you put them in that position, if and when, you break up, you’re going to be left feeling extra hurt.
That’s just based on my own personal thoughts, tho.
NTA. “Part of her now”? Eww. Did he follows her to the bathroom too?
You said “I miss hanging out with you”, not “ditch your bf forever”. Yes priorities changed after having an SO, but that doesn’t mean you have to be joined at the hip 24/7. Every HEALTHY couples have times apart.
If she can’t divide her time & attention properly, then she’ll have more people to lose. Also, doesn’t he has his own friends to hang out with?
NTA, many people fall into that kind of pattern at the very beginning of new romantic relationships, and they often don’t really take into consideration how it affects other people.
That being said, you did mention that you responded by “snapping”, which may be part of what triggered her defensiveness. It might be worth having another more calm and more serious conversation to make sure she understands where you are coming from, and that it wasn’t just an angry outburst.
That’s bizarre that she would even do that in the first place. You are definitely NTAH. Wait a bit. I bet she will dump the chump in a bit.
YTA this is now how she rolls. Why are you making her choose between you? If you liked the guy you’d have no problem but you don’t so you don’t want him around. But she’s not interested in you judging her boyfriend. Since you can’t accept him YTA. You are making her choose and she chose him. Bye Felicia.
NTA. Sometimes girl time means no boyfriends and they need to learn how to place boundaries and give each other space. Though you could have handled this better.
NTA but neither is she; you’re old enough now that it would be healthy to expand your circle of friends past just her.
If you’re inviting her to your place and she’s rocking up with him without even a heads up, then nope. NTA.
If I’ve misunderstood, please correct me.
Yeah YTA. You’re not the A for your feeling but definitely for the way you handled it. Have you mentioned this to her before? Or was the first time you brought it up when you snapped at her after you had been simmering about it for a while?
Snapping at her out of no where like that and expecting her to not be upset or defensive was not the right call.
If you want to salvage your friendship, have a calm conversation with her coming from a place of love and just share that you miss quality time catching up with her.
NTA however if you let it fester and blew up at her that was an AH move. It would’ve been better to calmly tell her “ I miss just spending time with you. I feel like I can talk more openly about life and girl stuff when it’s just the two of us, do you think once in a while it could be just us doing something together? “ It would probably have been better received in a more gentle way. If it was an outburst you should apologize and then say the above and see how she reacts. Hopefully she can forgive your outburst. I have had friends that once they get a boyfriend it’s all about that and nothing else which is very frustrating and annoying. If it doesn’t appear to be changing anytime soon I just focus on my other friends.
For telling your friend why you are pulling away, definitely not. The only way you could be in AH territory is for how you told her. If your conversation went as you described it you were blunt but not abusive. She is just upset that she has realized that her decision (to always bring the bf to every thing she does) has affected all her other relations.
NTA
NTA. Male-centred, codependent women are so tedious. He won’t die if you leave him at home, Susan.
Yes.