I have a genuine question.
Three months ago I gave birth at home to a beautiful baby. My body went into shock and I was rushed to the hospital, where I had to stay overnight.
Before giving birth, we told my mom, my boyfriend’s parents, and some other family members that we wanted two days at home alone before visitors came. Everyone seemed respectful and didn’t object. We even asked if anyone wanted to discuss it, but everyone said no.
The day the baby was born, my boyfriend received a text from his brother saying it was “insane” to make their parents wait a whole week (we had said two days at most) and complaining that my sister was allowed to be there constantly. For context, my sister was present at the birth and came to the hospital with me because I was scared to ride in the ambulance alone, and my boyfriend had to follow in the car with the baby.
The day we got home, his parents texted that they were hurt by having to wait so long (it had only been one day) and hoped they could see the baby immediately. My boyfriend couldn’t enjoy the moment, so he said fine. Later he told them they had crossed a line. They replied that it was a misunderstanding because they thought we’d drop our boundaries once the baby arrived. This really broke my trust.
Since then, they haven’t respected our boundaries. They kiss the baby constantly. When we ask them not to, they say they “have to get used to that” (it’s been three months). Last time they wanted to file his nails with their own nail file, and when I said no, they kept looking for it anyway.
Ten days after giving birth, I started bleeding again, had to be rushed to the hospital, and needed surgery. I now have a lot of anxiety and decided to stay home for a while to focus on my body and mental health. Before having a baby, I didn’t realize how much a three-month-old still needs their parents. I told my boyfriend I’d rather one of us stay with the baby whenever the other goes out, and that I’m not ready for date nights without him yet.
For my birthday in August, my boyfriend gave me tickets for us to see a comedian next week. That means we’d need someone to watch the baby. I told him I’m not comfortable leaving the baby yet, and I’m even less comfortable leaving him with his parents.
Yesterday we had a big fight because I don’t want his parents to babysit that night. I told him we need to talk with them first about our boundaries, and that leaving the baby there next week is too soon. I’d like to see how they behave with our rules before I can trust them. My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and says we can just talk and leave the baby with them right away.
I feel misunderstood and can’t make him see my point of view without him thinking I’m just criticizing his parents.
Am I being unreasonable?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I have a genuine question.
Three months ago I gave birth at home to a beautiful baby. My body went into shock and I was rushed to the hospital, where I had to stay overnight.
Before giving birth, we told my mom, my boyfriend’s parents, and some other family members that we wanted two days at home alone before visitors came. Everyone seemed respectful and didn’t object. We even asked if anyone wanted to discuss it, but everyone said no.
The day the baby was born, my boyfriend received a text from his brother saying it was “insane” to make their parents wait a whole week (we had said two days at most) and complaining that my sister was allowed to be there constantly. For context, my sister was present at the birth and came to the hospital with me because I was scared to ride in the ambulance alone, and my boyfriend had to follow in the car with the baby.
The day we got home, his parents texted that they were hurt by having to wait so long (it had only been one day) and hoped they could see the baby immediately. My boyfriend couldn’t enjoy the moment, so he said fine. Later he told them they had crossed a line. They replied that it was a misunderstanding because they thought we’d drop our boundaries once the baby arrived. This really broke my trust.
Since then, they haven’t respected our boundaries. They kiss the baby constantly. When we ask them not to, they say they “have to get used to that” (it’s been three months). Last time they wanted to file his nails with their own nail file, and when I said no, they kept looking for it anyway.
Ten days after giving birth, I started bleeding again, had to be rushed to the hospital, and needed surgery. I now have a lot of anxiety and decided to stay home for a while to focus on my body and mental health. Before having a baby, I didn’t realize how much a three-month-old still needs their parents. I told my boyfriend I’d rather one of us stay with the baby whenever the other goes out, and that I’m not ready for date nights without him yet.
For my birthday in August, my boyfriend gave me tickets for us to see a comedian next week. That means we’d need someone to watch the baby. I told him I’m not comfortable leaving the baby yet, and I’m even less comfortable leaving him with his parents.
Yesterday we had a big fight because I don’t want his parents to babysit that night. I told him we need to talk with them first about our boundaries, and that leaving the baby there next week is too soon. I’d like to see how they behave with our rules before I can trust them. My boyfriend thinks I’m being unreasonable and says we can just talk and leave the baby with them right away.
I feel misunderstood and can’t make him see my point of view without him thinking I’m just criticizing his parents.
Am I being unreasonable?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because i put my boyfriend between me and my boundary against his parents. He really wants his parents to babysit and i am between that.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
You have several separate but connected problems.
Your in-laws do not seem to understand science – not kissing baby or using own file is about germs.
They also don’t respect your role as parents (ie doing basic shit you don’t want done).
Your boyfriend is defending them from you instead of you and baby from them (which is a pretty big problem, the largest of the 3 so far).
There may be some postpartum depression or similar going on if you are super anxious about leaving baby w anyone (not just w in-laws who have proven they don’t listen). You should probably check in w a dr, the trauma you had w the bleeding post birt may have triggered something.
Not having guests for a few days post birth, not leaving your kiddo w unreliable babysitters, and being angry your bf isn’t on your side when his parents are being annoying is all valid.
NTA
Boundaries exist for a reason. If boundaries are made then the other party has to respect them whoever they are.
Your boyfriend should atleast try to understand you instead saying that its unreasonable. You carried and birthed his child and you’re the one feeling most of the pregnancy. It’s totally fine to be overwhelmed and anxious especially during postpartum where your body is experiencing physical and emotional changes.
Your boyfriend needs to step up and put it in his head that you are his priority and what you feel comes first more during this time for you and the baby. I pray you guys can talk it out about this. (respectfully)
And about the parents kissing the child, you’re definitely better than ne bcs if I was you I would throw a B fit i dont care cause my babies health is more than anyones feelings
Im sorry you’re feeling negative about your current situation and I do hope you get to see a better one soon. Take care <3
My heart is breaking. People who blatantly disregard what you say to your face, will do more behind your back. Have a genuine conversation with your boyfriend about your boundaries. By your boundaries, I mean your shared boundaries. Also, does he always relent and side with his parents?
NTA for wanting peace. I also get not wanting to leave your baby with someone who your instincts say is unsafe.
NTA. The parents have proven they don’t follow orders if they feel like it. They shouldn’t be trusted to watch the baby while keeping within the boundaries they have broken before.
Your boyfriend should understand your fears as a mother and take them into account. I could understand if he managed to find another babysitter you were more comfortable with, but not with the PIL.
You should probably check in with a doctor for postpartum depression. It’s not necessarily what’s going on, but it’s better safe than sorry.
NTA. A 3-month-old is still very much part of a mom-baby dyad, and Dad needs to respect that. Maybe the in-laws will be doable for babysitting when baby is much older, but I wouldn’t leave an infant with them.
Nta, we’ve literally just lived through COVID, who is still kissing infants on the hands/face if they’re not the parents?!?!? And who thinks it’s ok to do this when the parents have been crystal clear in asking you not to. It’s not hard. I get babies are cute and all, but they can get seriously sick very quickly from cold sores or flu or RSV.
Have your boundaries and anyone who cannot stick to the boundaries that you put in place for your baby’s safety, does not get to have time with that baby. They’re showing that they do not care about you or the baby’s health, only their wants, they do not take you seriously. You gave everyone an open floor to ask questions if they had any, they had that opportunity. You can’t go through life expecting everyone else around to cave on perfectly fine and reasonable boundaries. These people need to know that they don’t get to just do what they want without consequences 🤷🤷🤷
NTA. I’d see if a trusted friend could watch baby.
You didn’t ask for this feedback so please ignore or skip over at will. Anxiety about baby is completely normal. It’s a sign that you’re bonded with your baby.
When anxiety about baby’s safety is viewed within the context of human development, anxiety is natures way of ensuring parents are looking out for potential dangers and will ensure baby’s survival. It’s functional. Our bodies are on high alert to keep predators or the environment or… from harming baby.
For some parents the anxiety is so great and nonstop that it is both exhausting and harmful. It’s hard to tell our hardwired instinct to protect our child that the risks to baby are so much smaller now.
The recommendation to check in with a healthcare provider about postpartum depression is, essentially, a wish that you find all the joy, comfort and ease during this stage of parenthood. You’ll deserve to feel like you can take a deep breath and relax into a few hours of entertainment with your partner.
nta they have shown a lack of respect. But really you have a boyfriend problem.
You may also have some post partum depression. Worth a chat with your health visitor.
NTA it’s your kid you protect them your way. It used to be that when a kid in the neighborhood got chicken pox that everyone would have their kids go over and catch the chicken pox !!! It was believed that an early case of the pox was safer than an adult case and having had it means you are immune for life. I was an adult by the time the chicken pox vaccine came out . Oh, and we simply trusted that a vaccine to make you not get something like Polio was a good idea. They are from different time, and they *know* they are right