My son’s friend and his mother are about to be homeless. They asked if they could stay with us when they’re evicted in 3 weeks. Initially we said yes but now I’m second guessing it.
The son comes over often but we’ve only talked to the mother are few times (one of those times being when she asked to stay with us). We don’t really know her, and she doesn’t work. Our house is small, we do have an extra room but space will be a concern.
I’m worried we are going to end up supporting them financially. They wouldn’t be paying rent. And the moms already asked to extend the deadline of when they’re supposed to move out. I feel bad but I also feel like we will have to evict her when the time to move comes. And I don’t want to go through that process. I am also worried it will ruin the kids friendship, and its my sons only real friend. We told them yes 2 days ago and they have 3 weeks to figure something else out. Tho shes made it pretty clear we are the only option. Wibta if I back out?
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My son’s friend and his mother are about to be homeless. They asked if they could stay with us when they’re evicted in 3 weeks. Initially we said yes but now I’m second guessing it.
The son comes over often but we’ve only talked to the mother are few times (one of those times being when she asked to stay with us). We don’t really know her, and she doesn’t work. Our house is small, we do have an extra room but space will be a concern.
I’m worried we are going to end up supporting them financially. They wouldn’t be paying rent. And the moms already asked to extend the deadline of when they’re supposed to move out. I feel bad but I also feel like we will have to evict her when the time to move comes. And I don’t want to go through that process. I am also worried it will ruin the kids friendship, and its my sons only real friend. We told them yes 2 days ago and they have 3 weeks to figure something else out. Tho shes made it pretty clear we are the only option. Wibta if I back out?
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> I might be the asshole because we already said yes and the moms made it clear she has no where else to go.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: Do they have a realistic plan for being able to move out by that deadline they’ve set?
This is something you have already consented to doing. So, in the sense that you are backtracking, and this will enhance the shittiness of these people’s lives in the short term (or longer, who knows?), YTA.
That aside, I think you are making the correct decision by now saying no. You don’t run a charity house and your family needs come first.
NTA.
Just tell them sorry it’s not going to work out after all. Full stop
Help them with shelters and charities if you want.
They are NOT your responsibility.
Well, you already said yes, so I wouldn’t go back on my word
But I will set straight boundaries with the mother: the deadline for them to move is not extendable, she has to provide for herself and her son, otherwise they will be evicted
Put all that in paper and make her sign it. That way you protect yourself
YWNBTA
You need to sit yourself down and think through what boundaries and rules you need in place for this to be a working situation. Once you have that in place, you then ask yourself whether you can live that way from your end and whether your expectations are realistic.
If you think that it is not possible, just bite the bullet and let them know.
If you think it is possible, talk to the mother. Explain your hesitation and then talk through those boundaries and rules. If after that conversation, you trust her, then give her a shot. Otherwise, decline.
Outside your house rules, you need to make sure that she is genuinely seeking work and/or a source of income that will sustain her.
YWBTA
Learn from your mistake and think things through before you agree to them.
Stick to the original plan. Be clear and firm about the expiration date on their invitation.
YWNBTA The unemployed mother has already asked to extend the time they stay. Check the laws in your jurisdiction and if you allow them to move in you need a signed agreement with a move out date. Depending on where you live, if someone establishes residency, you may have to evict them. Make sure, if you let them stay for a few days or weeks, you are protected.
If there is no official contract. They haven’t signed a lease. They aren’t paying anyway.
If you don’t feel comfortable. Cancel it sooner.
INFO: How much time has passed since you agreed?
If you said “yes” yesterday, I think you’re free to say you thought about it and changed your mind. But if you said “yes” a few weeks ago, then I think YTA. And just because YTA, doesn’t necessarily mean that you should still follow through. Tbh, you probably never should have agreed in the first place without thinking it through.
NTA. I think you should let them stay the amount of time you originally offered, and be very clear and direct that once the deadline is up there will be no extension. Direct the mom to the local library for resources on social programs in your area.
Hmmm you obviously aren’t required to let them stay with you so you wouldn’t be TA. That said, helping them to avoid being homeless is a good thing to do, especially after you agreed to have them stay. Can you help them look for apartments, apply for housing programs, even get a spot in a shelter? Do you have the resources to help cover moving costs? Again, not your responsibility but having worked with housing insecure people it’s much harder to get on your feet once you’ve been on the street than if you can avoid it.
Create a rental agreement. Clearly set out the terms of their stay including how long this lease will be in effect. Then you have both a legal document that gives you the ability to have them ejected easier and also some idea of how the mom is thinking about the stay. If she balks at signing she is likely not planning to leave.
Don’t do it. They’ll never leave.
If you agreed to it and are going back on your word, YWBTA. But get some paperwork signed, and don’t extend the deadline to move out.
yTA with a very small y for saying yes initially but I’m sympathetic that you may have been put on the spot.
I would recommend you pull out because as you said, there are alarm bells ringing already and you WILL be the bad guy when you want them to move out. I’ve experienced this too many times lending money – they’ll tell you you’re a saint when you lend it and of course they’ll ensure they get it back to you.. then dickybirds when the agreed payment date arrives and they try to make you feel like shit for daring to ask for it back.
Don’t procrastinate, contact them now. The longer you leave it, the more that little y will grow into a big one. I would probably gift them cash for a couple of days of hotel accommodation for my peace of mind if it was me.
This is going to become a major problem. It doesn’t even matter if you are going to be TAH …. You are going to be stuck supporting another family. Once they move in they are going to be residence and you won’t be able to get them out unless you go through the eviction process (in most states) and it can get ugly. Just don’t do it.
If you want to let the kid move in so the kid is not without a place to live but I wouldn’t be supporting the mother as well.
You never should have told them yes in the first place. You barely know these people and have a hard time standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. I could see the mother taking advantage of you further if you allow her to move in.
YTA.
I think this is the wrong question. It’s undoubtedly a bit of a shitty thing to retract an offer she was depending on, but I don’t think that means you need to commit yourself to an offer you made. That seems way too big a commitment to reconcile after making a mistake. So yeah, whether you’re TA or not you need to bit the bullet here.
Maybe there’s something else you can still do to help as an alternative.
NAH
The Mom isn’t working so there isn’t a high chance of her being able to afford to move soon. Moreover, without income, she would be unable to buy groceries and pay for (increased) utility expenses. Housing these people would cost you money.
Additionally, the fact that she has already asked to extend past the afreed-upon “few months” is a red flag. Her plan for housing in “a few months” is uncertain at a minimum.
It’s only been a couple days. It wouldn’t be u kind of you immediately tell her, “I’m sorry, but after consideration, I’m not able to give you and Child the level of support that you’re going to need.”. Offer other help such as looking for local resources and job openings. Offer to help her child directly (clothes, childcare, etc…) without housing and feeding them both.
How old is the son? If he is under 18 maybe you could say he only could stay? That way he isn’t homeless and she needs to figure out her housing on her own.
I’ve had this happen with some young adults (friends and relatives). I did allow them to live with me. I also got requests to extend stays. I simply said, “No. You need to be out by the original agreed date.” I couldn’t afford to be the sole provider for 8 people. Especially after losing my lucrative job. That’s when I told the extra people that they absolutely MUST find other arrangements. I was spending over $1000 a month on GROCERIES ALONE.
I would ask the mom why she can’t get a job too. Anyone old enough to work needs a job in my house.
NTA. You absolutely will be supporting them longer than you want to, and yes you may have to evict them eventually. Unsure on that but certainly possible.
If you really want to help them, you could tell them they can stay for two weeks, and give them an airtight contract to sign stating that. That’s very important. Otherwise, after a month they can claim to live there.. she could even get mail there sooner than that and fake residency. Really, you should say no but help with other resources.
Nope don’t allow her to move in. She doesn’t work. How will she contribute to groceries??
ESH. But still do it, even if it makes you an AH.
She barely knows you, wants to move in with you, and not pay rent. She doesn’t work…do you know why she doesn’t work? Is she looking for a job? She asked for a specific date, you said yes, and then she asked for an extension….and this was only 2 days ago? She’s absolutely going to keep asking for extensions, and way harder to say no once she is already there.
You shouldn’t have said yes, but it’s only been 2 days. Tell her ASAP that you are sorry, but it won’t work out. You realized you don’t have the space to make it work.
She needs to look into pro Bono housing support and public benefits and such. She needs to talk to the guidance counselor at the school, there are options for families.
Note: Whatever you do, it is going to have some effect on the friendship….but probably would have if you said no outright.
Before anything I would have wanted to know WHY they were getting evicted. And visit their place to check out their living situation. However what’s done is done. Keep your word, set strong boundaries, and be prepared incase it all goes south.
You could also offer to let the son live there and she can stay in a homeless shelter
NTA. Obviously it would have been ideal to have said no upfront, but it has only been 2 days since you agreed, and I think deserve a little grace for having been on the spot in such a hard situation. It’s highly unlikely that this 2 days set her back in any real way.
Your concerns are not only valid but highly highly likely to end up being the case.
Is it feasible to house the son temporarily and see if she can find a friend to stay with (this might depend on the age of her son) or offer to help her hunt down an organization that could be of some assistance?
Question: do you own your house? Because if you rent, you can make your landlord the bad guy so as to not damage your son’s relationship. Not knowing the mom, there’s no telling whether she’d poison him against your son out of spite. If you can say “OMG I’m so sorry but when I ran it passed the landlord they said no. It violates my lease and we will be evicted.” Period.
And if you do own your house, do they know that? (Getting close to AH territory here but I’m thinking of ways to avoid this affecting the kids relationship). None of this is on the boys. Poor kiddos.
Best of luck!!
NTA…There’s no way this won’t end badly. She’s already pushing your boundaries by asking for more time. Your life will be turned upside down. It’s sad, but just say no.
Once they are in your home, they will be hard to get rid of. If you do take them in, make sure you protect yourself and have everything in writing. I would also ensure that everyone is in agreement, in writing, on when they will move out.
I would be very hesitant to take them into your house, especially since you do not know her.
NTA You foolishly allowed your sympathy to say they could stay. This was based on knowing your child’s friend.
You don’t know the mother. She’s not employed. She’s already asking for a longer stay.
This will not end well.
It may be embarrassing, but you need to tell her asap that after further reflection, this will not work for you. Don’t offer any further reasons so she can’t argue with you. Just no.
YTA, but don’t let them move in.
This is such a common AITA situation: people overcommit then have to renege. You’re not TA for not wanting them to stay with you and I definitely think you need to renege. But you’re TA because you shouldn’t have put yourself in the position of needing to renege to begin with.
YWNBTA. I have let people stay with me temporarily. I discussed it with a friend who has managed rentals for decades. She said that they needed to sign an agreement that they would not be paying rent or compensating me in ANY way, in order to avoid possibility of them evoking tenant rights (so that if anything happened, I could ask them to leave without them being entitled to 30 days’ notice). They did sign the agreement, and I was glad to be able to help them.
As long as you are thorough and legally protected, it would be a kind thing to do. But if you are not up to the enforcing of boundaries required, then I would not do it.
I do not regret helping people who needed housing. But if you’re not up to it, you’re not an asshole. I enjoyed parts of helping the family, and other parts were anything but fun.
I would probably be a lot easier in the long run for you to pay for a couple weeks at an extended stay hotel than to house and feed them at your place and end up with somebody that you’re going to have to evict. If you could swing it financially I would consider that. They wouldn’t be unhoused, but they also wouldn’t be in your house.
Should you allow them to stay they are guests who should contribute to food . This way they are trespassers if you ask them to leave and they don’t . None of this rental agreement / lease crap. Don’t extend ANY rights . Or don’t do it at all , ok maybe the kid .
NTA – You are not responsible for them, she is. If you feel badly, help find alternatives and contact homeless shelters and community groups.
She is not going to help you and you will NOT be able to kick them out. (Thanksgiving is just around the corner, then Christmas, NY, etc.) She will make every excuse why she can’t go anywhere else, she has no money, no where to go.
You are NOT her only option. Even contact your local representative to try to find her immediate help.
You are a super helpful person, thoughtful and kind but your first responsibility is to your family.
I’m going to say a small YTA. You said yes without thinking and now instead of talking to the mother with your concerns you are just going to take the promise back. That’s you breaking the promise because you weren’t paying attention when you made it.
You don’t always have to give an answer when someone asks something of you, that’s just what capitalism has trained you to do so you don’t think about purchases as much as you should. Also employers when they send you ‘exploding’ job offers that are only good for a day or two so you can’t really think it over.
I think you owe that woman a meet up to tell her you changed your mind. You could also first try to lay out your concerns and ask her about them. If she is unemployed and not looking to be employed but she expects to get disability or just needs to wait for some sort of public housing option then there might be an end date even without a job. You don’t know because you didn’t ask.
It’s not rude to ask more personal questions like that when you are going to be living together, it’s just understanding the expectations of each other and the situation. If she makes it clear that she expected you to just support her forever then you can and should withdraw your offer immediately since that is usually never the intention of this kind of offer.
Ultimately it is your house and your choice though. The judgement is about making a promise you don’t want to keep anymore.
She is being EVICTED. And she says she has no other options than you, a person who doesn’t know her. If alarm bells are going off in your head, it’s for a good reason.
You would be making a serious mistake in taking her in, and you know it. For all the reasons you listed. The chaos and expense for your family will be extreme, and very likely you will have to evict her yourself.
YWNBTA for backing out after reconsidering.
NTA
There’s a reason your getting a bad feeling about this. Tell her now that you actually don’t think you will be able to afford to house them and they will have to find alternative place to stay. And stand your ground here, you can’t even take them for one night, it’s too much to ask. You barely know her and you don’t owe her anything.
NTA If you’re in the US or Canada have them contact the United Way helpline at 211 or look at their website and see if they can assist them with housing. I hate to say it, but it’s never a good idea to let someone who is unable to provide for themselves and their child to move into your home. Once they establish residency, it can be difficult to make them leave. Tell her now that after careful consideration, it simply isn’t going to work and it would be best if she looked elsewhere.
It isn’t a good idea to let someone move in under the circumstances you have described.
It would have been better to say no up front.
And, you still need them not to move in.
Tell them right away and do your best to help them find another situation.
NTA, but you certainly owe them a conversation and you might help them find county resources. Because you are right – they will be very difficult to evict. People won’t change unless they are forced to. The mom doesn’t work and won’t find a job because she isn’t being forced to. She relies on other people to support her lack of employment. They are not your responsibility and you shouldn’t feel guilty.
Sigh. I sympathize with your predicament. And I hate saying this: YWBTA.
BUT that doesn’t matter here. Sometimes you gotta do what is best for your family and this is an incredibly important time. This could go horribly awry.
Minimize the damages to the other family and tell them ASAP. You would be a supreme AH if you waited until they showed up at your door. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you rather learn right now or when you showed up at their door?
Say no, but do it quickly.
Yes ywbta
YWBTA a tiny bit, yes, but also that’s a tough situation. If you don’t go ahead with it, your son will likely lose the friend anyway. But allowing someone who is unemployed to move in is super iffy, so I wouldn’t blame you for backtracking.
NTA. You thought you were doing a nice thing for someone, but they haven’t even moved in and are already testing your boundaries. If she doesn’t have a job or income how is she going to feed herself and her kid and move out at some point? I’m related to one of these “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of options because Jesus will provide” types and it’s miserable. You need to set very firm boundaries because evictions are really expensive and time consuming. You can’t just shut off the electricity and force them out because it’s illegal. If you tell her to leave she may just refuse, trash the place, or change the locks while you’re out working and lie to the police who will say it’s a civil matter.
Just tell her circumstances have changed and you can’t let them move in. They’ll figure something out.
Tell her no. You would have to support them & evict them. Offer agencies for them to look for help. She needs a job
NTA
I’m sorry for your kid and his friend, but this is a giant steaming train wreck waiting to happen.
You already know you’re going to be financially supporting and eventually having to dislodge her with a crowbar to pry her loose.
The fact she’s becoming homeless is frankly her own consequence. Rather than moving in, you could offer to give her some money to help stabilize her, and provide assistance with transportation to a shelter.
You don’t need to set your own home on fire to keep them warm. She needs to have some definitive plans for what she intends to do and what steps are needed to get back on her feet.
This whole thing sucks for the kid’s sake
If you are located stateside, check your county laws regarding occupancy, because in some places if a person stays at least 30 days, they’ll have tenants rights, and if you want them to leave you’ll have to start the eviction process.
This is an important decision and you are entitled to change your mind..tell her sooner rather than later.Nta
You are not obligated to be a nice, caring person so go ahead, go back on your word – show your kid who they don’t want to be.
NTA. It is a big commitment and one extension I’d more than likely to turn into multiple extensions.
Is it going to turn into extra work for you, or less work?
You are very likely to end up supporting them financially, as you have said.
From your conversations do you believe that she will live amicably in your house without negatively impacting your life and/or property?
If you do want to say “no” and want to do it “nicely”, draw up a long multi-page agreement with terms and requirements. Include some penalties should she not move out on time as planned.
Unfortunately this scenario is very likely to impact your child’s friendship either way. Living with his friend is a sharing of space and inevitably some belongings (toys, electronics, television, etc.). Depending upon the children (age, growth, maturity) that might not be manageable long-term.
Not your responsibility. If you let them in, they will never leave.
The mom sounds really sketchy.. Look her up. She might be running from the law.
She must be getting child support. What is she using it on,? Ask around. Has she pulled this crap on anyone else?
You’ve got your son’s safety to consider. What’s done is done. She was probably counting on you being a doormat, but if she’s a crackhead who will steal from the neighbors, you’ll end up being evicted or arrested.
Pretty bold to ask a semi stranger for shelter and pretty sketchy to say there’s no other option.
Contact your landlord and see what he say. Also social worker.