So here’s what happened. My husband has this habit of making “jokes” at my expense when we’re around other people. I usually laugh it off, but during a family dinner, he made a comment that felt way too personal and humiliating. Everyone laughed, and I just sat there wanting the ground to swallow me.
Later that night, I told him how hurtful it was, and instead of apologizing, he doubled down saying I’m being “too sensitive” and that I should “learn to take a joke.” I snapped and told him that if his idea of humor is putting me down, maybe he should find a new audience because I’m done being the punchline.
Now he’s sulking and saying I “ruined the night” by overreacting. My family is split some think I was right to call him out, others say I could’ve just ignored it.
So… AITA for finally losing it on my husband after his constant jokes at my expense?
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So here’s what happened. My husband has this habit of making “jokes” at my expense when we’re around other people. I usually laugh it off, but during a family dinner, he made a comment that felt way too personal and humiliating. Everyone laughed, and I just sat there wanting the ground to swallow me.
Later that night, I told him how hurtful it was, and instead of apologizing, he doubled down saying I’m being “too sensitive” and that I should “learn to take a joke.” I snapped and told him that if his idea of humor is putting me down, maybe he should find a new audience because I’m done being the punchline.
Now he’s sulking and saying I “ruined the night” by overreacting. My family is split some think I was right to call him out, others say I could’ve just ignored it.
So… AITA for finally losing it on my husband after his constant jokes at my expense?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I snapped at my husband in front of my family after he made repeated “jokes” at my expense. I might be the asshole because instead of keeping calm or addressing it privately, I publicly called him out and embarrassed him back, which ruined the night.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Ya know, members of my family talked like that to me. I left.
NTA
NTA, there’s a time and place for the jokes/teasing but in a big social setting it’s uncalled for.
Your husband is the one overreacting for not knowing how to read the room and know what is and isn’t appropriate
NTA and please stop putting up with this. These are not jokes, they are put-downs. Next time stand up to him in the moment, don’t wait until later. “What makes you think it’s okay to say something like that?” or whatever. And if he keeps doing it, stop going places with him. And/or stop coming home with him. A marriage characterized by repeated cruelty is not exactly the life you want to be living.
NTA Q: What type of husband makes his wife the butt of jokes? A: A crappy one. And now he’s pouting because you called him out and he’s embarrassed? Well, that’s rich.
NTA. It sounds like your husband is enjoying humiliating you. What other abusive behaviours does he engage in. He’s clearly already doing the DARVO thing. And invalidating your reactions and feelings.
NTA – you had the decency to bring this up behind closed doors which i think is commendable. You had the courage to voice a problem with someone’s behavior and was met with disregard and disrespect. State very specifically that you do not want to be made fun of and offer an ultimatum “if you don’t stop, I won’t go out to family dinners” (example)
If he still chooses to ignore your feelings then he’s not the one for you
NTA. the people that tell you to just avoid it are the types that let bad actors get away because they want to avoid the drama of resolving the issue. You see it with family bullies all the time. the family tells the victim they are too sensitive or over reacting or the like and there are no consequences for the bully who just gets away with whatever the issue is and keeps on being a bully. That is what your husband is. Typical bully plays the victim when called out for their BS.
NTA – at this point he isn’t saying things to make you the punchline, he is saying them because he means them and is using the excuse that it was a joke.
NTA – Ask him what part of insulting the woman you love is the joke. Passive aggressive people love to insult you, then call you “too sensitive” when you react back to their insult in a way that anyone else would.
The only way to stop this is to call them out on the spot. I started doing this to a relative years ago, who would do something similar. Embarrass them in front of everyone else and ask them how what they said is acceptable.
Without knowing a single joke made it’s impossible to come to a decision with any accuracy.
A person who loves you would NEVER make you the butt of their jokes.
NTA. Next time make a joke similar to him on his expense then we will see his reaction
NTA “it’s just a joke” is the classic bully’s excuse. So he makes cruel humiliating “jokes” about you to others, then blames you for feeling hurt bc you can’t take a joke. His response to you speaking to him privately at home is classic DARVO (google the term).
He is being deliberately cruel and humiliating to you, so demand an apology. Tell him “It’s just a joke” is the excuse every bully uses, and you won’t let him bully you like that anymore. He hurt your feelings, apologize, and don’t do it again. See where it goes. If your family is OK with him treating you like this, then I suspect there is a history of bullying in your family. Break the cycle. Consider some counselling, for yourself or with DH. You deserve to be treated better.
So he made a mean joke, you told him it upset you, and then he gaslit you and told you that you ruined the night and you were overreacting?… Yeah NTA and your husband sucks for that. That’s just plain mean and disrespectful at best
Bottom line…if you don’t find it funny, it’s NOT A JOKE!!! If he can’t understand that, maybe you could give him a taste of his own medicine.
My ex husband used to do this, and he was so successful that my family (who I’m super close with) got all caught up in it and only after the divorce, when I shared how hurt I’d been for years, did they recognize what they had been condoning and supporting.
They were very apologetic and I get how it went as he was super manipulative as a person but standing up for yourself is good. I was asked why I didn’t say anything earlier but the fact was I would be accused of being sensitive when I said something so I just rolled with it when I shouldn’t have. He also basically had me convinced that what we was saying was true (his ‘joke’ was about how lazy I was – which I absolutely wasn’t)
It is not a joke when you are not laughing
NTA. If your husband is ok hurting your feelings, that is not ok. He should say, sorry, I’ll try to do better. I am sorry for hurting you, it was not my intention, but I understand now.
YTA for not telling us what the joke was.
NTA. These aren’t jokes. You’re sensitive, but he’s the one who’s sulking because of what you said?
NTA. He’s making himself feel good at your expense.
Start calling him on it every time, even in front of his friends and family.
“Oh, making your wife the butt of the joke again?”
“Oh, once again being funny at my expense?”
“Why don’t you make fun of yourself instead of me? It’d be funnier.”
“Oh, building yourself up by tearing me down again?”
Shrug, look at the others and say, “Poor self-esteem.”
Keep it up until he doesn’t dare.
NTA. How many times does your family want to ignore your husband being passive aggressive with you? He doesn’t respect you if he “jokes” at your expense in front of other people. Actually, your family should be on your side and stop your husband every time he decides to act like a teenager when in public.
He’s TA for not caring about (or passive aggressively hurting) your feelings. Why put up with someone who does things to embarrass or hurt you? You didn’t ruin the evening by calling him out on his BS, he ruined it by being an AH to the person he promised to love, honor and cherish.
NTA I tell my husband all the time: jokes are supposed to be funny. Weaponized jokes, however, are abuse.
So your husband’s love language is to humiliate you in public? NTA
Next time, and there will be a next time, get up, get your things, and walk out the door. If you care for yourself at all, keep walking. This man does not love you or even care that he is hurting you.
NTA-It’s only a joke if everyone finds it funny, including the person that’s the subject of the joke.
If he had nothing to feel embarrassed over he wouldn’t be sulking. If you continue to ignore it your husbands going to continue to do it.
Also your husband needs to find new material, like making jokes at his expense. I do some boneheaded things and if I want to be funny I make jokes about myself. If I’m telling them I have to be okay about it and everyone gets to laugh/enjoy it.
I’m so sick of mine saying things and then telling me it’s a only a joke when I don’t respond the way HE thinks I should. You are NTA and absolutely right for calling him out. The family who thinks he’s perfectly cool needs to be given the LC treatment for a while.
Info: what was the comment?
My family is split some think I was right to call him out, others say I could’ve just ignored it.
Bot says what?
NTA- its too bad hes dealing with the consequences of being an AH to you for laughs. Maybe he will keep his shitty jokes to himself now?
Start doing it back to him – in front of your family, his family and friends. Small digs, laced with sarcasm. Don’t wait for him to do it first. When he reacts, just laugh it off and say “It was just a joke. Why are you being so sensitive?”
I’m not kidding – bullies get away with it because no one calls them out on their behavior, and others don’t treat them with the same lack of respect they show others.
Info: what was the joke????
Also, why do you keep letting your husband make jokes at your expense? You are the only one who determines how people treat you. You laughing it off every time he has done it in the past has encouraged this behavior. It should come to no surprise to you that he would do this eventually.
ESH.
Hes the AH for making jokes at your expense at all, let alone infront of people. Youre the AH for not putting an immediate stop to that sh*t the first time he did it and being upset that he did it again.
NTA – that is emotional abuse, and you have every reason to not like it. If you were to retaliate in kind, I suppose he would like it? Like, tell a joke about how you are looking for a new relationship because your husband is such a cuunt.
NTA.
Joking about personal/private matters isn’t funny.
He made light of your situation AND betrayed your trust by doing this.
I suspect that if you had done the same he would be upset as well!
He thinks you “ruined the night” because you didn’t want him to humiliate you? And you made the request later – I’m assuming out of the spotlight?
NTA
He is though. And your “family” are AH’s too for thinking you should just shut up and take abuse.
After chasing “Ask Aubry” around too much from the social media platforms she leaves to the ones she joins, I’m seeing that this story sounds just like the common template of the ones she collects. One spouse making mean jokes about the other at a social gathering? Check. Accusation of being too sensitive and insistence that it was just a joke? Check. Consulting family and finding out half are on your side and half not? Check. Not gonna lie; it’s like the story came out of a cookie cutter.
NTA he’s a bully
NTA for defending yourself and self respect, YTA for not telling us what the “joke” was.
I’m not diagnosing anyone or anything
What you’re describing sounds like narcissism. Again, I’m not saying he has narcissistic personality disorder, but making jokes at your expense and then getting mad when you confront him are narcissistic traits. The “you’re too sensitive” is blame shifting. “I’m not the problem, your sensitivity is the problem. Both the “you’re too sensitive” and “learn to take a joke” are also gaslighting.
I tend to come up with material for the next encounter, since as much as I’d like to tell you to divorce him, you’re not going to jump to that. If he can make jokes at your expense, so can you. “Learn to take a joke.” I took that one step further and married one. Mind you, none of this is mature, but you’re not dealing with an emotionally regulated or mature man.
I do not see how you’re the AH here. ANYONE has a right to say they don’t like being the butt of a joke, whether or not a third party looking at it would consider it an overreaction. You didn’t blow up at him on the spot or humiliate him or insult him in the process of communicating this, you waited until the moment had passed and discussed it at a later point. You did everything right.
If the only ‘right’ answer here, from your husband’s perspective, is ‘suck it up and live with it’ that’s simply unacceptable. Your husband’s response speaks volumes. I hope he reflects a bit on whether he cares about your feelings one iota, because even if he was annoyed at having this particular form of recreation shut down, he should care a helluva lot more about how much he has hurt and embarrassed you.
I agree with u/ms_apprehend that if (when actually) this happens again, collect your things and leave without another word, and be prepared to escalate this from there as needed (separation, therapy, whathaveyou). He needs to show some basic respect for his partner. NTA
Don’t ever ignore being the butt of someone’s joke. The problem is, you’ve let this happen for far too long. You should have called him out long ago. NTA
NTA. If you are not sure if you are too sensitive, turn the table and make equal jokes at his expense next time.
You know, just some friendly roast with the family, I’m sure he will enjoy it because obviously it’s exactly his kind of humour.
Or you can get yourself a “big smile coupon”. Courts sell them everywhere, they are called divorce papers.
Good luck to you.
It really depends. On the one hand you’ll find all the echo chamber you need on this website when it comes to women victimizing each other; definitely hurts the progress of equality a little bit every time it happens; because by the same metric, the sheer amount of people who ask for that Echo chamber effect without giving the specifics are often leaving out those particular details for a reason. Which doesn’t hurt equality so much, just the female public image as a whole.
So if you’d like to elaborate as to what sort of jokes he’s made in the past that you’re constituting as ‘humiliation at your expense’, as well as whatever he said this time to motivate this post- you could get a real answer, from actually discerning people- instead of just being patronised by sexists and further humiliating yourself. Without the details no one can help you help yourself.
I agree with others as far as not knowing his ‘jokes’ hard to give an opinion, but bottom line, if a person is the butt of a joke and finds it offensive, then it is offensive. Your husband should respect the fact that you were offended and he should stop doing it and apologize.
NTA.
I wouldn’t try “discussing” this anymore. I’d just tell him – first time alone – to stop. I’d warn him I’m going to start responding to these insults. Then next time in front of everyone: “pls stop talking to (or about) me that way.” Then “I don’t announce to everyone how you (fill in stupid or embarassing or exaggerated flaw he has”.
It’s not pleasant but youve tried that. Hes not getting it. He will when he’s the joke.
HE publicly insults you, you express hurt and humiliation and now HE’S sulking because YOU ruined the night? Did I get that correct?
My father is like this. It’s always a joke or you’re too sensitive, but GOD FUCKING FORBID you poke fun at him. Yeah, we don’t talk much (for a lot of reasons, but this is part of it). I’ve found the most effective tool is a deadpan stare in a calm voice “wow. That was rude.” Then back to whatever I was doing. When I get it’s a joke, “aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?” You’re too sensitive – “interesting. Bullies love calling people out for being too sensitive.” I don’t get angry or upset or emotional, I just look disgusted or bored and I say everything in a calm speaking voice. You’re not getting a rise out of me.
Stop telling him it hurts your feelings because clearly he doesn’t care, it’s probably part of the fun for him. If you’re quick-witted and good with a comeback, fight back. Pick at something HE’S super insecure about. And if he gets upset, “what? I thought you wanted to joke around. Why are you being so sensitive?”
NTA.
Snap at him when the audience is around, you’ll let EVERYONE know you don’t appreciate being a verbal punching bag.