My (16f) grandma passed away yesterday after years of health issues. About 3 years ago she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, then later intestinal cancer. A year after that, she had a stroke affecting half her brain and was in a coma for a month. Surprisingly, she survived and stayed relatively stable until the past two months.
She lost almost 22 lbs due to a liver condition, and tests suggested she might have lung cancer. On Sunday morning, she started having seizures and was rushed to the hospital. A CT scan suggested another stroke, but they planned a contrast CT after 48 hours. Sadly, she passed away Monday around 5 AM.
I woke up Monday to my mom crying loudly and screaming and already knew what had happened. One of my uncles had come over to tell her. I got up quickly because I could hear my little sister asking what was happening. She was confused and scared, so I took her to another room while my uncle stayed with my mom. Later, I comforted my mom, but my first instinct was to protect my sister. His dad later picked her up, and so did my dad and brought me to his house (My parents are divorced and share custody btw)
When I came back from work around noon, my dad asked if I was going to the wake, and I said no. He said everyone grieves differently, and maybe it was better if I didn’t go, which comforted me. Later, I texted my sister’s dad to check on her. He said she was fine and staying with his mom. He also mentioned my mom was “so-so” but had support. Then he asked if I was going to the funeral. I said no, though I thought he already knew since I had told my mom earlier. Then he asked, “So you’re not going to see your mom?” That made me feel guilty, so I ignored it.
Today, my mom texted saying my grandma had been buried and asked if I’d come over. I said maybe before school or tomorrow after work. The truth is, I don’t want to go. I can’t handle seeing my mom like that. Hearing her scream and cry traumatized me more than the news itself. I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t want to see anyone like that. I just want to stay at my dad’s house, distract myself with work, the gym, and school, and ignore everything for at least a month. By the time I go back, things might have calmed down. I feel selfish because I know I should be there for my mom, but I just don’t want to and I don’t even think I can.
So… WIBTA if I didn’t visit my mom right now?
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My (16f) grandma passed away yesterday after years of health issues. About 3 years ago she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, then later intestinal cancer. A year after that, she had a stroke affecting half her brain and was in a coma for a month. Surprisingly, she survived and stayed relatively stable until the past two months.
She lost almost 22 lbs due to a liver condition, and tests suggested she might have lung cancer. On Sunday morning, she started having seizures and was rushed to the hospital. A CT scan suggested another stroke, but they planned a contrast CT after 48 hours. Sadly, she passed away Monday around 5 AM.
I woke up Monday to my mom crying loudly and screaming and already knew what had happened. One of my uncles had come over to tell her. I got up quickly because I could hear my little sister asking what was happening. She was confused and scared, so I took her to another room while my uncle stayed with my mom. Later, I comforted my mom, but my first instinct was to protect my sister. His dad later picked her up, and so did my dad and brought me to his house (My parents are divorced and share custody btw)
When I came back from work around noon, my dad asked if I was going to the wake, and I said no. He said everyone grieves differently, and maybe it was better if I didn’t go, which comforted me. Later, I texted my sister’s dad to check on her. He said she was fine and staying with his mom. He also mentioned my mom was “so-so” but had support. Then he asked if I was going to the funeral. I said no, though I thought he already knew since I had told my mom earlier. Then he asked, “So you’re not going to see your mom?” That made me feel guilty, so I ignored it.
Today, my mom texted saying my grandma had been buried and asked if I’d come over. I said maybe before school or tomorrow after work. The truth is, I don’t want to go. I can’t handle seeing my mom like that. Hearing her scream and cry traumatized me more than the news itself. I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t want to see anyone like that. I just want to stay at my dad’s house, distract myself with work, the gym, and school, and ignore everything for at least a month. By the time I go back, things might have calmed down. I feel selfish because I know I should be there for my mom, but I just don’t want to and I don’t even think I can.
So… WIBTA if I didn’t visit my mom right now?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t to visit my mom after my grandma passed away since I don’t feel ready to do so. I feel selfish for not going, and I wonder if I might be wrong for avoiding her during her grief.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nah, kiddo, you are a minor, it is not your responsibility to comfort your mother. Listen to your own dad on this one. NAH probably, as your father said, everyone grieves differently.
I am sorry for your loss.
YTA for your reasoning here. This is so fucking sad. Like, imagine if you were super upset and the people you loved refused to be around you just bc they don’t want to see you sad. That’s pretty fucked
First, I am sorry for your loss.
With that being said, I’m going with NAH. Each person griefs in their own way. So I’m not going to place any fault for you to visit or not visit. But it could be a comfort to your mother if you were there for her.
Your mother should have been better prepared for the death of her mother. Do you want to be so disconnected from loss and death that one day you scare your children when facing loss? Presumably, your mother has gotten past the initial shock (i.e., screaming) and needs to be around those who love her. You are one of those people and you are old enough to be part of her support team. You are old enough to see your mother cry. YWBTA, but I say this gently.
NAH. I still remember my mother sobbing at the graveside during my grandmother’s funeral. But she only sobbed like that there and then.
Your mother won’t likely react like that again, and it will be good for you to see your mom in a calmer state. Go see her as soon as you are able.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA. Grief is such a personal thing. You’re still a minor, it’s not on your shoulders to help your mum process the grief she’s dealing with. Perhaps reach out to your uncle or other family members and ask that they support your mum while you deal with the loss in your own way.