My wife and I are in our late 30, we’ve got kids, and I’m at my breaking point. She doesn’t really seem to care where our money is going. She has multiple 401(k) accounts floating around that she doesn’t even track, and whenever I bring up budgeting or planning, she checks out.
Meanwhile, I’m stressing because we have kids and a future to plan for. It feels like I’m the only one who cares about where our dollars are going. I’ve asked her to get serious about her finances, but she just avoids it.
So I put my foot down. I told her I’m not doing date nights or fun activities together until she gets her finances in order. I don’t see the point in spending money on “us time” when she won’t even sit down and figure out what she has.
Instead, I’ve been taking myself out. I went to a cheap concert by myself the other night, and I’m planning to hit a cool bar solo this weekend. Honestly, I’d rather spend my money in ways that don’t feel like enabling her financial avoidance.
She thinks I’m being unfair and punishing her. I think I’m protecting our family’s future.
AITA?
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My wife and I are in our late 30, we’ve got kids, and I’m at my breaking point. She doesn’t really seem to care where our money is going. She has multiple 401(k) accounts floating around that she doesn’t even track, and whenever I bring up budgeting or planning, she checks out.
Meanwhile, I’m stressing because we have kids and a future to plan for. It feels like I’m the only one who cares about where our dollars are going. I’ve asked her to get serious about her finances, but she just avoids it.
So I put my foot down. I told her I’m not doing date nights or fun activities together until she gets her finances in order. I don’t see the point in spending money on “us time” when she won’t even sit down and figure out what she has.
Instead, I’ve been taking myself out. I went to a cheap concert by myself the other night, and I’m planning to hit a cool bar solo this weekend. Honestly, I’d rather spend my money in ways that don’t feel like enabling her financial avoidance.
She thinks I’m being unfair and punishing her. I think I’m protecting our family’s future.
AITA?
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> I might be the asshole because I’m refusing to do date nights or activities with my wife, which could be seen as punishing her instead of working together on our finances.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Do you feel that your wife spends money irresponsibly? That was what I expected from the headline–but you mention her having “multiple 401(k) accounts,” which, however disorganized, suggests someone who saves rather than spends. Also: Is money a source of significant anxiety for your family, and for you individually?
SOunds to me you already have one foot out the door OP. Time for couples therapy, if you truly love your wife. I will say neither of you are acting like partners, her with checking out and you now going out alone. ESH
soft YTA – at the end of the day, it’s her money and you can’t tell her how to spend it, even if you believe she’s irresponsible. Plus, leaving her out of activities to be in timeout with the kids is a surefire way to breed resentment in your relationship. A good compromise however would be to get a financial consultant/advisor.
They can make it clear to her that your opinions are justified from a professional lens and provide the proper paths forward. That way, you can rest easy knowing your finances are in order and you can continue to have date nights! Plus, I bet she’ll be better to be around once the money conversations are able to happen outside of the home.
Edit: to improve clarity
N T A for being concerned but overall YTA because you are going about this wrong and it will backfire. You are punishing her, as if she were a child that you are grounding for bad behaviour. That is only going to add stress and conflict to your marriage. It sounds like you need couples therapy to deal with you differing views and priorities on this topic and she may need to take financial literacy classes or something similar. But making her miserable by taking fun things away from her isn’t going to motivate her to do that. It might motivate her to leave you, deny you physical intimacy, stop talking to you at all, et, but it won’t fix the finances.
YTA
If you have separate money, there’s a reason. If she wants to handle her money as she has been her whole life, and you want to handle your money as you have your whole life, why is it that you get to unilaterally change the rules?
You want to go out to a bar without your wife? That’s not about money.
You’re getting comfortable in your lifestyle and looking towards the future. While assuming your wife will be there.
Based on this post: You may be wrong about that.
Just sayin’
I don’t think it’s wrong to want her to get her finances or retirement in order, but going on dates by yourself? Really? That’s not going to help.
If it was me, I would sit down with that person during date night time and help them figure out what retirement plans they have, how much they can reasonably pay into them, and so on.
YTA for going out without her and endangering your marriage, but NTA for wanting to prepare for the future. Take her to a fiduciary financial planner. She will most likely, hopefully, listen to an expert. It will be an eye opener.
YTA if your only issue is that she has multiple retirement accounts.
YTA. You’re married with kids. There is no “your money” and “her money.” In many states, if you were to get divorced, your assets would be split right down the middle. So it makes no sense for you to blow the family budget on your own selfish activities. If you really were serious about budgeting, you wouldn’t be going out at all. Not spending money on “us time” is one thing. Completely replacing “us time” with “me time” is quite another. This is all about you asserting control and finding excuses to hit on women all by yourself on nights that are supposed to be used to spend a little time with your wife away from the kids. You aren’t ready for marriage or kids.
YTA-what does taking your wife out on a date have to do with how much you have saved for retirement.
If you don’t want to do things with your wife, just say that.
Yta for the way you are handling it. If you are so interested in it and she is not it sounds like this might be a good opportunity for you to take the lead. Every person has strengths and if this one for you then just make sure you are communicating with her on it and be open, but just handle it. Develop a plan to roll all the 401k into a Roth IRA or whatever is reasonable for you all. Take the lead and keep her informed instead of telling her what to do.
Info: what has she been saying when you express your concerns? How often and how many times have you expressed your concerns?
Maybe the two of you should take a class together like Financial Peace University, so a 3rd party is coaching the two of you and it won’t feel like you are the one being controlling
ESH. She is failing to participate in your family’s financial planning. And you are in fact punishing her, which does not protect your family’s financial future. To the contrary, it terminates your family’s future. If that’s not what you want, then work together to find an actual solution. Maybe with professional help, such as from a couples counselor or a financial planner.
YTA. It’s fine to be concerned, but ultimately finances are something you should be working on together with them. I’m not amazing with money, but if someone did this to me instead of treating me like I have dignity, I’d strongly consider leaving them.
I also have no idea how bad she is with money, as you say. Recklessly spending money on frivolous things is much different than avoiding financial planning or making a budget. If it’s the latter, there’s no justification for “grounding” your wife for a trivial issue.
My wife and I share money, but for big purchases (over $50 or so) we’ll typically tell each other. It’s not that hard.
WAIT!
Wait wait wait wait wait…
Your big example of her financial irresponsibility is that she has multiple 401k accounts.
Can we be so for real right now?
You’re looking for a reason to be upset with her.
YTA
NTA. Financial issues are said to be the single biggest reason for divorce; and your conflict exemplifies that. It’s time for her to speak either to a therapist/counsellor to better understand why she’s avoiding these sorts of discussions or to a financial planner to understand the importance of what you want to do.
How does you pretending to be single fix your family’s financial crisis? Instead of forcing her to ”figure it out”, hire a financial planner! Jesus. YTA.
YTA. You haven’t pointed to her spending irresponsibly, which is what I expected to read here. You don’t like that she isn’t organized with “fees” and her 401k(s). Your answer is to punish her by going out by yourself? Don’t be surprised when she does the same without you. I honestly hope she goes to concerts and cool bars without you.
I don’t understand all these. You BOTH need to plan for your future and part of that is planning together, and she’s blowing you off. Financial honesty is IMPORTANT. I feel like you pushed back in the only way left to you. I would sit here down and tell her you need financial honesty, or you need separate finances.
I’m not sure if you manage finances separately or combined. I personally thing married couple should combine, but that is another topic. Either way, you are married. You are in this together. Despite her behavior, doing things on your own behind her back is not going to help. You both need to sit down together and talk through things. Stress how important finances are for your family, but also talk through whatever other non-financial topics she wants to discuss.
If she is behaving like this, I would expect there are other issues at play, so see if you can help resolve those. Make sure she knows that she is your partner, that you love her, and that you are in this together. I’m speaking to myself here just as much, but my wife always responds better and considered my opinions and feelings more when I’m considerate of hers.
And on the topic of date nights, I suggest taking a different approach. Date nights are important to stay connected and intimate. Don’t discard them. Find another way to do them cheaper – go to park, lake, walks, homemade nice dinners, etc. Money and expensive things are not the only way to keep the spark alive.
Again, speaking as much to myself here as you. Good luck. I’m a finance guy, so I know the frustration first hand. Sometimes it’s just worth taking a step back rather than escalating an already heated situation.
YTA my money her money wtf you’re married. I promise you when you get divorced the judge will not think that the money in your 401k is just yours nor is the money in your bank account just yours. So maybe change your perspective. So if you’re really worried about your family’s money stop spending your family’s money. Take your wife to a financial planner. I’d say merge finances but you sound primed for financial abuse so maybe not.
Wait you told her your punishing her for her finances and not doing any date nights with her lol but then still went out on a date night by yourself lmao bro you in your late 30s acting 17. It’s one thing if you handled business like a man but you decided to act like a spoiled princess like your wife. Yall are made for each other
I get your frustration but I don’t think you’re going about this right. How do you know she won’t just respond with “ok I’ll take myself out too,” and you’ll end up saving no money and damaging your relationship. I also think you need to define what “get your finances in order” means. Is the issue just that she doesn’t keep track of her 401ks? If so that’s annoying but not a huge deal — you’re inevitably going to have multiple accounts if you’ve had multiple jobs, and not tracking them doesn’t affect how much money is in them — and pretty easy to fix. You are overreacting if that’s the only issue. If there are other issues you need to define specifically what they are and what you want her to do about them. YTA.
A good time to deal with this is when you are doing your taxes. That is what my wife and I do. We have separate IRAs, retirement accounts, etc. Every few years when we do our taxes we update. We each make sort of a list of what we have and where in case one of us gets hit by a bus. Many of our accounts are taxable (like separate brokerage accounts, personal savings accounts, etc.) so that is why we do it at tax time.
YTA. You are punishing her for her avoidance. Having multiple retirement accounts she doesn’t track is fine. You’re not supposed to look at them every day. Get a financial planner for the family, they can track stuff for both of you and create a plan that works for ALL OF YOU.
Going on dates by yourself because you’re mad at your wife is not a good way forward.
Yeah bro you’re def the asshole. Sounds like you have separate finances, in which case you should mind your ow business and keep taking yourself on dates so you end up single- as it seems like that’s what you want.
We may be married to the same person. No care about where 401k accounts are. No care about retirement. The only thing I can do is keep our finances separate. So if she works and has access to money, what is stopping her from also getting a concert ticket or taking herself out to dinner?
YTA. Your frustration is understandable, but your approach sucks. You “bring up” budgeting and planning, but do you do it collaboratively or just scoldingly? Have you suggested a financial planner so she doesn’t have to struggle through it? Have you asked her if maybe her workplace has support for combining those 401Ks?
You’re taking the “punish a naughty child” approach to your wife, your supposed partner. “Ooh, look, I’m going out and you can’t come, nah nah!” That’s ridiculously immature and coupled with you “putting outfits foot down” a really condescending way to behave toward another adult or frankly even an older child. You ARE punishing her, you ARE being unfair, and also pretty dumb. She may well decide that if you’re having solo fun she’ll do the same, at whatever price she thinks is reasonable.
It’s not that you’re wrong in principle, it’s that you seem to have no idea how to communicate about this problem like a grown up.
YTA come on.
What do you mean “her” finances???
You’re married and have kids. Your finances are legally joint.
It’s baffling to me that people get married without discussing and planning finances.
You should both meet with a financial advisor for “date night”
YTA. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything horribly irresponsible with her money, you just want her to keep closer track of it and make more of an effort to optimize how it’s being invested/spent. Which is fine, if a little micromanage-y, particularly when you have separate finances. But your solution of punishing her by not having quality time together is incredibly demeaning and petty. Especially when it doesn’t sound like your problem with her finances is tied to over-the-top spending on nights out — and even if it were, you could still spend that time together, but by doing free things like playing cards at home or watching a movie. Instead your reaction reads like a punishment totally untethered to the underlying issue. And also maybe an excuse to spend more time by yourself? (Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting solo time, but framing it as a punishment and doing it at the cost of time together is unfair.)
Also, if you like handling your finances in a certain way, why don’t you offer to look over her accounts and figure out where things can be improved yourself? There’s nothing wrong with spouses each playing to their strengths. Plenty of couples split tasks based on interests and preferences — e.g. I handle household finances, you handle kids activities and appointments, etc.
You ARE punishing her. Instead of trying to understand why she is not working on finances with you, you’re taking away connecting time with her and deciding to “treat yo’self”.
Maybe her brain doesn’t do financial stuff well and you guys need to do a course together or hire a financial planner. Maybe you are irresponsible with money or have an addiction or don’t treat her well and she just doesn’t want you to know what money she has so you don’t have access to it.
IF you really care about the marriage and the family’s financial stability, stop trying to force her to do things your way and instead ask if she knows what the stumbling blocks are and how you can help.
This is a good way to get divorced if that’s what you’re aiming for. Some people have real anxiety around thinking about finances. And like others say – both of you should go to a financial planner. It’s sometimes easier to follow a plan when someone lays it out for you. But you just blaming her and punishing her isn’t going to fix anything. You’ll still have your worries and she resents you.
ESH. I completely understand your frustrations, but you are going about this ALL wrong. You are essentially telling her that you are not going to nurture your relationship until she does what you want. That is not going to end up the way you think it is. Get a financial adviser or a couple’s counselor.
YTA – you’re taking yourself out when you’re worried about your financial future?! You can’t be that concerned.
ESH
While I get why you’re doing it, you are absolutely doing damage to your marriage. Your wife WILL resent you for this and use it against you. You’re winning the battle, but you’re losing the war.
Your wife for refusing to figure out finances.
Both of you are damaging your marriage in different ways. If you two don’t get your shit together, together; you’ll end up having to get your shit together, separately.
NTA- if she’s not willing to sit down and work through you to get her accounts linked to a central tracker (like mint or empower), then it’s hard to plan your future
That being said, I’m not sure your approach is helpful. I would say this is a discussion to have with a mediator like a marriage counselor
I get extremely overwhelmed by finances, hate to discuss budgeting and still am a great wife. Maybe it’s childhood trauma, maybe ADHD. Seems like Ann extremely stupid thing for you to “punish” her for.
ESH yes she should care about your family finances but you are being dumb. What are you trying to prove by going out by yourself? How is your spending money going to a bar going to get her to see the light? I think you two need to schedule a time to sit down and discuss this at length. You are married adults with children who require you to get your shit together. Have a pad and pen ready, discuss what you’re trying to achieve by getting organized, and set forth a family trust. Then schedule an appointment to set up a trust and get your finances set. Because if you haven’t done that part it makes me think you all haven’t planned for the event of an emergency or if something happens to you two. Do you guys have life insurance, a plan for the kids in the event of the worst, or what your family goals are for the next five ten, and fifteen years? Sounds like you two need to improve your conversation skills here too.
Ehhh yta, the issue isn’t cash flow, it’s planning and retirement? Your values on this are misaligned and instead of finding a middle ground you are checking out of the relationship and dating yourself. Maybe some marriage counseling to discuss how important this is to you with a third party mediator. Honestly I would assume my husband was cheating if he said he wouldn’t go out with me, then went on date like events by himself.
That said, if you were my husband this would definitely make me sort my finances, because I would want to have all of my financial information sorted before filing for divorce. 🤷♀️
NTA… I’m blown away by the YTAs in the comments.
So many people are looking right past the fact that these two people are married with kids and the wife has and continues to refuse to share her finances with her husband. He seems to have tried to get her to deal with this issue multiple times only for her to simply shut down and avoid the conversation. It seems to me nothing else has worked for OP. While I don’t support his way of handling this, I can’t call him an AH when his wife simply refuses to communicate or address her finances with him but he is seemingly expected to cover marital and date related expenses on his own without question or issue. That is not a marriage. That is a grifter using someone.
All the people putting OP down as not being ready for marriage have completely missed the mark here. Yea, he could have handled it more maturely, but when you feel like nothing else is working, people tend to do stupid things. That doesn’t mean he is any where near the AH that his wife is for refusing to address this with her husband despite his reasonable attempts to do so. It would be my belief if I was OP that his wife is hiding money or debt from him that she doesn’t want him to know about.
YTA
I’m with YTA. You’re in a marriage & both you should be working as team and allowing the other partner to handle what they’re strong at. Example: my husband avoids the banking like the plague (I take it your wife does too). I handle everything & inform him monthly of everything. He’s an adult and at this point, it’s up to him to ask questions (if he has any). He handles the yard, laundry and bathrooms. It works for us. Try figuring out what works for the two of you.
YTA
YTA. You’re married. This is a couple issue, not a her issue.
Have you asked her if she needs help doing this? Maybe she doesn’t know how to do rollovers. Maybe she doesn’t understand any of it. It’s not like we all get classes in this.
And also, you sound like you have some issues. This is stressing you out this much? And you’re punishing your wife? You aren’t her father, you’re her partner.
Couples counseling because you need it, and need to work on communication, and she needs to step up. Unless she just wants you to take over the finances – which I never recommend as it’s dangerous for one person to have all the info – she needs to get involved and learn.
YTA
How does you going acting single accomplish financial planning? She can’t be too frivolous, if she has multiple retirement accounts.
This reads like you’re using financial planning as an excuse to delve into her personal accounts.
YTA, you are punishing her and it won’t do anything to help your concerns and will just push her further from you. Do you want a divorce? Because this is how you get a divorce.
Hire a financial planner. And go to therapy together.
YTA. I was with you until the 3rd paragraph, where you unilaterally are making decisions for both of you… and then you completely lost me in the 4th when you said you are going out and having fun yourself and ignoring your wife
Why don’t you ask her if it’s okay for you to take over all the household finances? You balance the checkbooks, figure out where the retirement distributions are going, consolidate the accounts, make the plans and then ask for her blessings on what you have a plan for?
Sometimes you don’t need both of you to do the budgeting / planning hand in hand, one person can take that responsibility on especially if she’s handling most of the childcare then come to her with end results and decisions
In what way do your actions protect your future? They come across more as retaliatory.
Have your gone over the numbers with her? Try to educate her to get her involved.
Or help motivate her by setting goals – some big purchase that she wants, to motivate her to save, budget, and plan. Just some ideas to constructively address the problem.
Because on the face of it , your plan has little to do with the problem and doesn’t really contribute to resolving it; it’s just a punishment in your perception (and this only if she cares about you doing those things; if she doesn’t care, it’s not even punishment).
YTA and you kinda know it. This seems to go far beyond just finances but you seem to need an excuse to have you time.
How close are you to retirement that she needs to micromanage her 401 K accounts? As long as she’s got her investment mixed appropriate to her retirement timeline and is keeping the statements from the financial firm it sounds like it’s under control. What are your specific budget concerns? Is there significant credit card debt? Are you living beyond your means?
Honestly, as others have pointed out, it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to go out as a “single guy”.
So she HAS 401Ks? That means she saves. You don’t mention credit card debt or any other bad spending habits. If she just isn’t a huge planner but isn’t a reckless spender, I think you are handling this ALL wrong. Instead have a talk with her about your planning anxiety. Sit her down and show her YOUR budget and YOUR retirement accounts. Ask her to read a financial planning book with you (I like “I Will Teach You to be Rich” by Ramit Sethi). Then see if she is willing to use a tool to link the accounts together from a reporting standpoint so that you can see the overall picture to make sure that you as a couple are on the right track.
You are basically blowing up your relationship right now. As long as she isn’t a reckless spender and is saving some, you are about to cost yourself a ton of money in the divorce that is going to follow by your punitive response. If you want her to care about what you care about, you have to keep the relationship engaged and feeling like you two are a team.
YTA with the information you have presented.
You are not describing someone with Amazon parcels arriving every five minutes. You describe someone who saves money but is not keeping track.
If this is the case it is more straightforward to deal with.
Look I get your wife. I can’t balance my cheque book and my husband is an accountant.
Make this your problem as a couple not hers.
We need to know how much we have. So we are going to sit down together and get our finances in order. All in one file where we will put all the paperwork. Once it is all sorted we can just add our papers as they come in.
Then on that day you together get all the papers together and in order and file them appropriately.
You are punishing an organisational problem as it it is an overspending one rather than working with your wife to resolve things. So YTA.
YTA. You’re not protecting anything by punishing your wife like this. It’s childish.
Make an appointment with a financial advisor. They’ll give you a financial outlook and can combine accounts and manage them if that’s what you want. They’ll tell you if they think you should put more towards retirement or an emergency fund, or if you’re doing just fine.
ESH…You both need to work on communication and teamwork.
YTA if she has 401k accounts, I’m guessing she’s working. And you have two kids, you’re 30 so those kids can’t be that old. You two are in the most hectic, hardest to time budget point in your lives. She doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to care about the finances to the detail you want. Likely she’s handling most of the mental burden of everything else.
If you don’t want to be divorced in a few years you need to balance out ALL mental drains you two are both dealing with, including financial mental work.
Yta. None of your examples are irresponsible and if they were, this is still a truly terrible way to go about it.
ESH, and I’m genuinely confused that anyone is holding either one of you entirely responsible.
She is being incredibly financially irresponsible – honestly, just irresponsible in general – and seems to be worryingly indifferent to your family’s long-term well-being.
You are an AH because you’re trying to punish her into being more responsible, which is a really patronising way to treat your life partner. You aren’t her parent, you don’t get to “teach her a lesson” about how to behave. And ultimately, punishments and pettiness are just going to damage your marriage more.
Your concerns are valid, but both of you are behaving childishly. This is something you need to not just ask her about, but tell her that you both need to sit down and hash this out together, because it’s not a joke and it is a big deal. And if y’all can’t do that, then your marriage is in a lot more trouble than just her not sorting out her retirement accounts.
ESH
As an adult with kids, you can’t put your head in the sand and ‘ignore’ finances. It’s gross to talk about, stressful to plan for many people but life is full of hard things. She can’t avoid.
Info though, do YOU have your finances in order? It doesn’t sound like it, as you’re stressing out about it…do you actually know how much you can spend and still be covered for the kids/future? If not, then you’re not helping. Nagging then just leaving it alone and spending by yourself aren’t good solutions.
YOu also talk about ‘her’ finances. I would assume since you’re married with kids, some part of that is ‘our’ finances (kids expenses, house, groceries, etc), so this is a joint effort.
My husband and I hate talking finances too, but the easiest way we found to do it was sit down with a financial planner. Book an appt, bring your ‘stuff’ wtih you, talk about your hopes and dreams for the future…make it fun. THen you can set a budget, get control of where everyone’s money is, that probably takes the scariness away from it all.
Good luck…just book something and make a wine-and-cheese at home night about finding all your relevant documents to bring to the meeting. Make it as fun as possible 🙂
You two need couple’s therapy. What you’re doing won’t work, and neither of you know how to communicate effectively.
ESH
Right about the time you feel the need to punish your wife is the time when you should probably get a divorce. She is no longer you partner or equal if you feel you can punish her for her actions.
YTA
Guys someone wants to spend money but THEY DONT KNOW how much money they have or don’t want to budget or don’t want to know – in my mind you can’t have discretion fun money if you don’t know – I’m just asking her to KNOW – like a grown man or woman SHOULD Know .. in a risk standpoint if something happens to me and I’m in the hospital for a few months she wouldn’t know anything … my credit would tank and she wouldn’t know – that’s unacceptable.. in return in my mind how can you know if you have fun money if you don’t know how much money you have. The 401k is an example but guys you are trying to tell me you don’t look at a whole picture when you have a FAMILY ?
Yes you are punishing her. What you are doing isn’t going to solve her behavior. There is something deep seated in her advocacy. Help her, maybe she is overwhelmed or she really has no idea what to do.
Ask your wife to give you the passwords to these accounts.
Get them under one roof (chuck) that doesn’t charge fees.
Ask her if she wants a joint bank account so you can pay the bills and she have an allowance. Worse case scenario she has hidden debt that she doesn’t want you to know about.
Edit to add after reading op comments. Yes you need to get it organized, help her. Keep a notebook where money is, spreadsheet of household expenses, cars, insurance, taxes, Passwords. Once you get everything organized and in one place show her without being patronizing. She has blinders on, she needs to be guided to reality. Not punished.
Do you even like your wife?
Your actions are leading me to conclude not so much.
YTA. If this overwhelms her it’s your job to take the initiative and make a plan. Not to punish her for not being where you are. You’re a team. Act like it
YTA- you’re mad she has 401ks floating around? Unless she has millions in these accounts how does that affect your daily life? What you’re saying about her and your actions don’t align. You’re still spending money which is not helping your family. You sound like a person who is mad you can’t control her so you think you’re punishing her. She is probably happy you’re going out alone.
YTA, clearly. Rationalizing doing what you want, acting like you’re single, until your minion follows your command.
Dude, set up a few home date nights where you sit down with her and solve the problem together. Get wine and order some takeout. First session you can id all the random accounts. Second session you can roll everything over. Then you set up regular check ins.
You’re making this way harder than it needs to be. Yes, it’s annoying that you have to do this with her. But in the grand scheme of things having a partner who procrastinates rolling over old 401ks is such a minor issue.
YTA. The concern is valid but the response does not make any sense. It doesn’t even count as punishing her, you are just exposing yourself to act petty instead of addressing the problem appropiately with her and finding a common ground. Yes, i agree that adults shouls take care of finances especially in a marriage, and she needs to understand that anf why it matters, but again, what you are doing is destroying your marriage (long-term).
YTA. She saves and does not spend recklessly. She is planning on her terms. It may be different than your planning strategy but it is there. Just go and have fun alone. She will leave soon.
YTA you are being passive aggressive and basically punishing your spouse. You’re also setting a really poor example for your kids. I can’t believe that you didn’t know this about your wife before you got married and had kids so why is it all of a sudden a big issue? If this is the only issue in your marriage then why can’t you schedule a meeting with a financial planner (they can probably even help find all her 401ks) and come up with a budget that you both agree with. Then you can be the one to mange everything including savings and investments if your wife isn’t interested.
If this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back then seek marriage counseling. Acting like you’re single isn’t an appropriate solution
YTA
She has her finances together, she even has 401K’s.
The fact that you feel like going out solo to the bar and to concerts like you are trying to teach her some kind of lesson, makes you sound insufferable.
I hope you get the divorce you deserve.
It sounds like your superpower is finances, but it is not her superpower. Does she have a superpower that you don’t do so well at? Use your strengths together to support the relationship and not to fight each other or to pass blame.
When I was married, I did all the financial stuff. I kept everything on a spreadsheet, and she could look at it at any time to see what monies were in which bank accounts (savings, checking, CDs) or 401K plans or stock accounts?
I tried teaching her, but she had no interest in finances until the divorce!
YTA. You sound like you are looking for an excuse to go out to a bar alone. Why dont you just stay home and save that money?
Bro, yta, dont go out and spend money on yourself. You are being childish and are damaging your relationship….
this marriage is speed running divorce you both are acting like children at your grown age
u/ruser5927 YTA. You should set up a dinner out at some place causal & go over the finances. My buddy & his wife call it their ‘quarterly financial updates’. They review what money they have, what they want to save for & what they want to spend on. If there isn’t money in the budget to go out setup a charcuterie board & then do it all at home.
INFO: is the issue that she doesn’t keep close track of her 401ks? Or is it that she’s irresponsible with money? Is there anything else happening? Is she missing payments on anything? Is she in debt?
Either way, I’m leaning YTA because she’s not your child and you’re treating her like one. But I also can’t tell how bad the situation actually is.
Listen this sounds in the best case like financial irronsibility and at worst some form of established dysfunctional coping mechanism or an addiction. Or sometimes people with neurodivergency struggle with budget overviews. Do you think you could calmly sit down with her and let her show you what she spend it? Try to let her tell you what the problem is. I know it‘s very difficult to calmly discuss something, when it crosses a boundary. You just get more infos out of people by staying calm. Maybe she knows she‘s is causing trouble, but is too ashamed. Or she can‘t control it. Or she just doesn‘t care. Either way you find out with communicating with each other like adults. If there is some pathological pattern, she needs professional help. You can‘t continue like this..that‘s clear.
YTA It is not your job to correct your wife’s behavior. You are not her parent; you are her husband.
What you are doing IS punishing her; she’s not doing what you want her to do so you’re taking something away from her until she “learns her lesson.” It’s condescending and emotionally manipulative and definitely not appropriate between two people who are supposed to be on equal footing.
Have a conversation with your wife. Explain what you’re feeling, why it’s important to you and what you need to feel secure. Ask her why she is so resistant to this (Is she anxious/doesn’t know what to do? Does she not have the time or bandwidth? Is she embarrassed/ashamed? doesn’t think it’s important? etc). Ask her what she needs from you to help you both get to a place you feel secure. Or, better yet, offer to help if there’s a way you know you can.
Does she have debt and/or a binge spending problem? You didn’t mention any of that in your post so I’m going to assume no. Yeah YTA. Not knowing the exact balance of your retirement account is not at all connected to whether or not you can go on dates.
The second is really lovely on you
YTA. How is you being petty supposed to magically make her want to do something for you? Focus on you. If the bills are paid let her handle her own finances. If it was really this important to you it should have been discussed well before marriage or children but clearly it wasn’t. If you don’t like your wife leave her, otherwise act like an adult and stop being childish
You didn’t mention overspending. You said you’re annoyed you don’t know how much she has. Is she paying her share? Do you need to know so you can convince her to do A B or C because obviously you know best? Yeah YTA
My wife won’t consolidate her 401ks and report her net worth to me like I demanded, so I stopped dating her and went back into bachelor mode – AMA
INFO – Is your only example of her not handling her finances is that she isn’t tracking her 401(k)s and she checks out when you’re talking about budgeting/planning?
Is she actually overspending or breaking the budget or are you just upset that she doesn’t get interested in financial specifics like you might?
OP’s gonna posting in r/relationship_advice next with “My wife left me out of the blue and I don’t understand why!!”
Okay, what are the other ways her finances are messed up because the 401(k) can’t be the only reason?
YTA this seems unbelievably stupid
I don’t see how going out alone protects your family’s future.
YTA
A cool bar? By yourself? This is something you say out loud to other people in your late 30s? Lol.
You seem to think your wife is going to be stuck home with the kids while you pretend to be single but I bet it won’t be long before she finds a sitter and something to do with herself while you’re on solo date night.
I look forward to the “my wife left me” follow up in a year.