My wife and I (both 24F) moved several states away from our families three years ago. Since then, we’ve only visited them for the holidays. I’ve pretty much always had a passive relationship with my dad (46M), especially after my step-mom (45F) and step-sister (16F) were brought into the family. I’ve tried to strike up text conversations with them every now and then, but it never seems like they care much. They started flat-out ignoring me after I told them about some changes in my life that they’re not too happy with.
During our visit last Christmas, my wife and I were supposed to stay the night at my dad’s house before leaving to visit my wife’s family. I didn’t know until we got there that my step-mom’s nephew (18M) was staying in my old bedroom. It turns out, he was having some issues at home and asked to stay with my family for a few days. A few days turned into a few months, and he had been living there rent free since. All of my pictures on the fridge had been replaced with pictures of him. During Christmas dinner, my parents talked on and on about how excited they were to visit him at college to watch him play football. Now he’s moved to a university that’s about the same distance from my parents’ house as my apartment is (about 800 miles) and they haven’t visited me once since I moved here three years ago.
I couldn’t care less about having a relationship with my parents moving forward, but my grandmother (67F) wants me to make amends with them for the sake of keeping the peace. I’m closer to my grandmother than almost anyone else in my family, so her feelings are important to me. I explained to her that I tried for months to talk with my parents, but they never answered and they left all my messages on read. She’s upset with their behaviors, but she wants me to be responsible for changing things. Unfortunately, I like to be the one holding the matches when a bridge is burned. AITA for going against my grandmother’s wishes and standing my ground on this?
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My wife and I (both 24F) moved several states away from our families three years ago. Since then, we’ve only visited them for the holidays. I’ve pretty much always had a passive relationship with my dad (46M), especially after my step-mom (45F) and step-sister (16F) were brought into the family. I’ve tried to strike up text conversations with them every now and then, but it never seems like they care much. They started flat-out ignoring me after I told them about some changes in my life that they’re not too happy with.
During our visit last Christmas, my wife and I were supposed to stay the night at my dad’s house before leaving to visit my wife’s family. I didn’t know until we got there that my step-mom’s nephew (18M) was staying in my old bedroom. It turns out, he was having some issues at home and asked to stay with my family for a few days. A few days turned into a few months, and he had been living there rent free since. All of my pictures on the fridge had been replaced with pictures of him. During Christmas dinner, my parents talked on and on about how excited they were to visit him at college to watch him play football. Now he’s moved to a university that’s about the same distance from my parents’ house as my apartment is (about 800 miles) and they haven’t visited me once since I moved here three years ago.
I couldn’t care less about having a relationship with my parents moving forward, but my grandmother (67F) wants me to make amends with them for the sake of keeping the peace. I’m closer to my grandmother than almost anyone else in my family, so her feelings are important to me. I explained to her that I tried for months to talk with my parents, but they never answered and they left all my messages on read. She’s upset with their behaviors, but she wants me to be responsible for changing things. Unfortunately, I like to be the one holding the matches when a bridge is burned. AITA for going against my grandmother’s wishes and standing my ground on this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) My grandmother wanted me to make amends with my parents, but I refused. She’s upset, but I don’t want to be the one to change things. (2) I might be jeopardizing my relationship with my grandmother needlessly by being petty
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Maintain your relationship with your grandmother, who is actually interested in engaging with you. Don’t bother with the people who don’t answer when you reach out. NTA.
So…you moved away three years ago and since then you only see them a couple of times a year?
What did you expect them to do? Granted, replacing your photos with step-mom’s nephew’s is hurtful.
It sounds to me like you distanced yourself first and are now surprised they have a life outside of your relationship with them.
Relationships are what you put into them.
ETA: And you did put energy into it (see OP’s response below). I’m sorry they’re AHs, you don’t deserve that.
N A H.NTA.Info: Did your grandmother give specific suggestions to accomplish her wishes?
Homophobia?
Either way, NTA. Grandma needs to grow up, at 67 she should know better.
He’s a boy, OP. It’s different, don’t ya know? Sounds like they both wanted a son and now they’ve got the next best thing.
NTA- your grandmother would rather ignore the fact that she raised an AH and wants you to take the blame for it. NOPE, walk away from the whole mess. Drop the rope with your parents and find your own happiness and peace.
I don’t want to call you an asshole but it sounds like you have some resentment towards your parents that they don’t seem to be aware of. And I say this as a lesbian woman….
Were/are your parents homophobic? Because if not, I think your anger is misplaced and you need unpack it.
You moved out and built your own family (you and your wife) and it sounds like you guys have been gone for a while. Your parents are still in the phase of having to raise children: your stepsister and your nephew (who sounds like he needed a better support system). It also sounds like you used to be an only child before these new additions to your family which is why you’re feeling so slighted.
NAH
NTA. Relationships are a two-way street. I am assuming you didn’t blow them all off and remove yourself from their lives first? Did they reach out to you when you first left, and did you not reciprocate? If they tried and gave up, it’s on you to re-engage. If they just stopped communicating and you were trying but gave up, it’s on them.
NTA.
NTA. It’s somewhat natural to focus more on the children that you are actually still raising and/or supporting over a grown adult, but this is beyond that. Grandma is an AH for putting the reconciling on you. Tell her you’ll be open if she ever gets through to your parents, otherwise go your own way. Parents are AHs too. Sorry for your situation.
NTA, but what else does your grandmother want you to do? You can’t force your parents to respond to a text. You can’t force them to come visit you. I guess you could sneak your pics back onto the fridge, but wouldn’t they just take them back down?
NTA, not even a little bit. You made plenty of effort that wasn’t reciprocated, and now your grandmother is asking you to solve your parents’ transphobia. There is no way for you to resolve that for them, and it’s unfair of her to suggest you can.
NTA, if you’ve made an honest effort and got nothing back, it’s no fault of yours.