I (female 31) have known and been friends with my now partner (male 33) for over a decade, we met at church that catered to young single adults around our age; he chased me but kept him in the friendzone until finally this year I decided to give him a chance and feel like I was too immature, confused back then but know that now I am in a healthy place to love and be loved right (I am a DV survivor) we are planning to get engaged in December! 🙂
My partner moved to Utah during the time we stopped speaking, I have plans to move out there with him next year but do take turns visiting one another; we both are originally from Los Angeles.
Now, my partner has a bad habit of putting himself down and measuring his self-worth with his appearance. I have told him countless times that he is handsome, reassured my love for him but every time I send him a picture of myself or a video he makes negative comments about himself and his appearance and how fat and ugly he is next to me. I send him pictures and videos at HIS request even silly or tired ones or ones where I am not put together. I work in healthcare so I tend to wear minimal makeup, if any, because I honestly feel I look best with less, have been accused of “pretty privilege” by ex female friends and coworkers BUT in NO WAY am a 10 or considered myself to be. I am physically on the fitter side, go to the gym regularly, strength train, try to take care of myself and sleeeeeeep is very very important to me.
I made it known to my partner that I still see myself as a work in progress and have fitness/health goals I hope to meet, especially for our future wedding. This made him respond with also wanting to work on himself and have a “glow up” and asked me for advice on what to eat and etc. which I happily gave him. He is 5’8 with an apple body built. He works in construction as a foreman about 60 hours a week and does not get his 8 hours of sleep sometimes 3-4.
When he comments on his looks and how he feels I tell him I do not see him like that and wish he could see himself through my eyes but says that I only think he is handsome because I love him which is not true I have always thought he was handsome. I usually let him vent or give him advice and have even shared an example of a meal plan we share with patients at work but the last time he went on about his looks I stayed quiet and didnt reassure him and told him that it doesnt matter what I say or think because regardless he doesnt put to action the advice I have given him or believe my words.
Was I an asshole for that? What else can I do to help him? Its honestly becoming annoying…
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I (female 31) have known and been friends with my now partner (male 33) for over a decade, we met at church that catered to young single adults around our age; he chased me but kept him in the friendzone until finally this year I decided to give him a chance and feel like I was too immature, confused back then but know that now I am in a healthy place to love and be loved right (I am a DV survivor) we are planning to get engaged in December! 🙂
My partner moved to Utah during the time we stopped speaking, I have plans to move out there with him next year but do take turns visiting one another; we both are originally from Los Angeles.
Now, my partner has a bad habit of putting himself down and measuring his self-worth with his appearance. I have told him countless times that he is handsome, reassured my love for him but every time I send him a picture of myself or a video he makes negative comments about himself and his appearance and how fat and ugly he is next to me. I send him pictures and videos at HIS request even silly or tired ones or ones where I am not put together. I work in healthcare so I tend to wear minimal makeup, if any, because I honestly feel I look best with less, have been accused of “pretty privilege” by ex female friends and coworkers BUT in NO WAY am a 10 or considered myself to be. I am physically on the fitter side, go to the gym regularly, strength train, try to take care of myself and sleeeeeeep is very very important to me.
I made it known to my partner that I still see myself as a work in progress and have fitness/health goals I hope to meet, especially for our future wedding. This made him respond with also wanting to work on himself and have a “glow up” and asked me for advice on what to eat and etc. which I happily gave him. He is 5’8 with an apple body built. He works in construction as a foreman about 60 hours a week and does not get his 8 hours of sleep sometimes 3-4.
When he comments on his looks and how he feels I tell him I do not see him like that and wish he could see himself through my eyes but says that I only think he is handsome because I love him which is not true I have always thought he was handsome. I usually let him vent or give him advice and have even shared an example of a meal plan we share with patients at work but the last time he went on about his looks I stayed quiet and didnt reassure him and told him that it doesnt matter what I say or think because regardless he doesnt put to action the advice I have given him or believe my words.
Was I an asshole for that? What else can I do to help him? Its honestly becoming annoying…
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> Because I didn’t reassure my partner and feel like maybe I blew up on him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but if I were in your shoes I would start asking “do you need to vent or do you want advice?” every time this happens. The reality is if it’s annoying now and he’s not doing anything to change, it will be more annoying in the future. You need to set boundaries here on what you’re willing to handle.
NTA; he’s determined to be down on himself. Don’t get sucked into that dynamic.
Ugh! Think about how he is dismissing your feelings and opinions, because that’s what he’s doing (telling you you’re wrong). Sure, he’s looking for reassurance, but you choosing to give it shouldn’t make you question your self worth.
NTA His constant need for reassurance is concerning. We are all responsible for our own feelings. He is trying to put that responsibility on you. Imagine every day listening to him complain that you look better than him. If you prep a healthy meal, will he accuse you of thinking he’s fat? If you dress up for a night out with girlfriends, will he accuse you of trying to attract a better looking guy? Managing his feelings and self esteem will be exhausting.
Frankly, I think you need to slow this waaaaay down. When you lived nearby and attended the same church, you didn’t want him, didn’t feel ready due to your past trauma. He moved to another state and suddenly you felt ready for…a long distance relationship with occasional IRL meet ups. I wonder if you aren’t as ready as you think for an IRL relationship, the distance makes him feel safe.
I have a past of abusive relationships, and it can be tough to distinguish between a better-than-the-past-but-still-not-good relationship, and a truly good relationship. Maybe its time for you to check in with a counselor and tune up your relationship sensors.
NTA, it gets really old listening to someone constantly speak negatively about themself, especially since he’s refusing to take any action to change and make himself better.Â
He should be motivated to get in better shape not only for himself, but also for you since you are having conversations about engagement. He needs to work on his self esteem and mental health before anything else.
I think you need to be straight up with him and tell him that his negativity is starting to affect you. Giving him constant reassurance and just going along with it isn’t doing either of you any favors.
He is an emotional energy vampire
NTA
He’s not a partner when he’s toxic and emotionally manipulative. He wore you down to give him a chance, which hasn’t worked out
You shouldn’t need to fight and struggle so hard to share love with someone
Be frank …. This is his wakeup call … Tell him you will not marry him until …. state your terms. He has already been told his self-defecation is off putting. This type of behavior is exhausting. Either he changes his mind set or stays stuck alone. What is on the outside is not nearly as important as the man he is. NTA
NTA, he needs to seriously work on himself. To get out of that victim mentality and work on his selfesteem. I’d suggest therapy… You’re already annoyed and without the work it will only get worse.