I (25f) have been rewatching all the seasons of a reality competition show with my mom and my grandma. We recently started another new season that has one team that is a married lesbian couple, both of whom are ordained ministers, and another that is a goth couple. We got through the first episode, and my grandma suddenly said she didn’t want to watch the show anymore because it went against her beliefs. I initially thought that she meant that she didn’t like the lesbians, so I just said okay and turned the show off.
I am autistic and am not good at hiding my emotions, so the anger that I was feeling definitely showed on my face, but I did not say anything besides “okay.” She went into her room crying and texted me later saying that she believes goths are “of the devil” and did not want to watch them. I did not respond to the text, because what was I supposed to say? I had no clue that the goths were the team she had an issue with, but it is still absolutely ridiculous to me.
I have always known that my family and I will never agree about most of our beliefs (I am a liberal, and my entire family is as conservative as can be). I am bisexual, and I have not and will not come out to any of my family. I know they will never accept this part of me, and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I try to stay as quiet as possible when any political or religious conversations come up.
She went off on me this morning about how I made her feel like she can no longer have an opinion and that I hurt her feelings when I got angry about her expressing her beliefs. I just said okay again and went on about my day. She has been ignoring me as much as she can, while I have been going on like nothing is wrong. My mom is siding with my grandma, saying that I need to apologize for hurting her feelings. I feel like she is not letting me have my own opinion about the situation either. I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but am I the asshole for not apologizing to her?
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I (25f) have been rewatching all the seasons of a reality competition show with my mom and my grandma. We recently started another new season that has one team that is a married lesbian couple, both of whom are ordained ministers, and another that is a goth couple. We got through the first episode, and my grandma suddenly said she didn’t want to watch the show anymore because it went against her beliefs. I initially thought that she meant that she didn’t like the lesbians, so I just said okay and turned the show off.
I am autistic and am not good at hiding my emotions, so the anger that I was feeling definitely showed on my face, but I did not say anything besides “okay.” She went into her room crying and texted me later saying that she believes goths are “of the devil” and did not want to watch them. I did not respond to the text, because what was I supposed to say? I had no clue that the goths were the team she had an issue with, but it is still absolutely ridiculous to me.
I have always known that my family and I will never agree about most of our beliefs (I am a liberal, and my entire family is as conservative as can be). I am bisexual, and I have not and will not come out to any of my family. I know they will never accept this part of me, and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I try to stay as quiet as possible when any political or religious conversations come up.
She went off on me this morning about how I made her feel like she can no longer have an opinion and that I hurt her feelings when I got angry about her expressing her beliefs. I just said okay again and went on about my day. She has been ignoring me as much as she can, while I have been going on like nothing is wrong. My mom is siding with my grandma, saying that I need to apologize for hurting her feelings. I feel like she is not letting me have my own opinion about the situation either. I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but am I the asshole for not apologizing to her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action taken: not apologizing for the judgmental nature of my response to her feelings
Why I might be the asshole: I am being stubborn and not apologizing even though what I did indeed hurt her feelings. I also have an outside party saying that I need to apologize
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You literally said nothing. You just had a face. If that’s “hurting feelings” now, I don’t know what people expect. You’re allowed to be silently frustrated
NTA
If she can’t handle a facial expression at her age, that’s on her.
Huh? You didn’t even say anything. What did you do? NTA.
NTA. You don’t have to apologize for, checks notes, having facial expressions. You also don’t have to apologize to religious fanatics or people who hold out of date prejudicial views.
NTA at all, you said one word and turned the tv off. You didn’t go into a tantrum or a rant or insult anyone.
Your gma is acting way too sensitive over this. One of the signs of dementia is emotional dysregulation, maybe have a talk to your mom about how you’re concerned that gma might need a medical check up because she’s overly upset about something that didn’t happen. And you should continue to watch the show on your own, in your own time, maybe when no one else is home.
EDIT the more I think about it the more it seems your gma is disappointed you didn’t put up a fight, does she have a habit of starting fights with family members?
NTA. You gave her too much power when you shut off the entire show over her single opinion – now she’s going to see how far she can take it (with you and mom) and try to make you apologize for doing nothing wrong. I think the proper response would have been “okay, we will let you know when it’s over.”
Do you want to be right or keep the peace? She’s an old woman… giving her a hug and telling her you’d never want to hurt her is a gesture. Or do you take it lightheartedly, hold her close, and smile and say you didn’t say anything? What do you lose by doing that? this is about your old grandma..
NTA – If anything, she should apologize to you for not being able to tolerate watching a show with you because it goes against her beliefs. You’re of a different generation, and your tastes differ, but that doesn’t mean that one gets to dictate to the other how they should feel.
NTA You did what she wanted and turned off the show. She “expressed her beliefs”but you did not say anything rude or mean. You simply did not appear happy about her opinion, which is perfectly fair.
It does not sound as if she would react particularly well if you were to express your beliefs in turn.
As a goth, who, I dont think is of the devil? Nta..
%100 NTA
Your grandma crying because you guys MIGHT disagree about goths (of all things) lies somewhere on a manipulation scale, whether its planned out and intentional or not.
Her not having everyone believe as she does because someone grumpily said okay once and crying over it is insane behavior. The response after that is even worse.
People’s opinions are different, if you don’t agree and cant discuss on civil terms then it should be dropped if its not affecting someone directly.
Im sorry youre in this situation OP but it is not your fault. This is manipulation.
NTA
Fellow bisexual autistic here. Is there any possible way you can get away from these toxic people so you can just be yourself & happy? I genuinely worry that the constant masking, constant minimizing, & complete lack of love or respect from your family is going to seriously negatively affect your mental health. I was in a situation somewhat similar to yours & I’m still dealing with the trauma in therapy. All the very best to you. 💜
Nta ignore grandma. Her statement was crazy.
NTA.
Reflecting on my home country (USA), I would very much like for collective society to start making people feel stupid for having stupid beliefs like ‘goths are of the devil’. It’s time for all of us to wake up.
Dumb opinions should be treated as more ‘dumb’ than as ‘opinions’. I’m so tired of stupid people and of religion contributing to their stupidity.
Those people are the most easily manipulated by corrupt politicians. Look where it’s gotten us.
NTA – Your grandmother wanted you to validate her opinions, her feelings aren’t your responsibility.
Apologize for what? You said ok and turned off the tv. Which was very considerate of you since you wanted to watch the show. I’m not one for all this drama created out of nothing. Be the adult in the room, apologize that her feelings were hurt, then turn on your show.
First off, if she didn’t want to watch the show, why didn’t she just leave the room? Why do others need to stop watching because of her beliefs? I think you were fine saying OK, and turning it off. I think I would have said “of course you don’t have to watch it, I’ll just finish it later”.
NTA
If this is about allowing people to have their opinions and their beliefs, yours are no less valid than hers. She’s a hypocrite for complaining that you have to hide your opinions and beliefs so that she can express her opinions and beliefs without feeling bad.
NTA. I think they’re being inconsiderate of your autism, and oversensitive about your reaction.
NTA. Nothing you did was wrong.
NTA- she’s entitled to her feelings (even though they are misguided) and you are entitled to yours. You did nothing wrong. Don’t let her try and manipulate you.
NTA.
I don’t know how old your grandma is, but it sounds like she’s out of touch with the modern world, or she may be trying to manipulate you into getting her way. Or, she may need to have a cognitive check done to make sure she’s not losing her mental faculties.
You can also remind her that all human beings, according to her beliefs, ARE children of her god, and what they do is between them and her god, not her and them.
Good luck.
NTA, I don’t see how you made her feel bad? I think Grandma is projecting
NTA Is she like that a lot? Looks for insults and then acts the victim? I have seen more than one sanctimonious soul pull that ‘not allowed to my own opinion’ BS when being confrontational. She should get over herself, an opinion is allowed by all and others do not have to agree. But I’m guessing Grandma is into drama.
Just keep loving your grandma and give her a chance to understand better.
A lot of times its lack of understanding or being around people wirh different beliefs.
Likely she is scared for a lot of reasons.
She loves you a lot. Please do not write her off because of her intial reaction. Give her a chance, just as you hope others don’t judge.
Sometimes the younger do have to educate the older.
Family connections are very precious, dont be too quick to write them off. And you also risk being rigid and judgemental, which is not a quality you like.
I’M your grandma now, try to not let haters get you down {{HUGS}}
She doesn’t understand, & you don’t have to explain, that goths just have a darker, cooler fashion sense.
But feel free to tell her that your other Grandma insists that a difference of opinion is not disrespect, & that I don’t appreciate her going off on you
NTA. Why is it okay for her to express her feelings, but it’s not okay for you to have feelings (that you actually kept to yourself)?
She has a power trip. She thinks because she’s older that her feelings somehow matter more than yours. Screw that.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a good response for you to say. Do not apologize- there’s no need to. You didn’t do anything wrong. At all.
NTAH. I don’t understand how you hurt grandma’s feelings? You turned off the TV when she asked. If your face looked irritated, well, so what?? Ask them directly “what exactly did I do that you think warrants an apology?”
Them getting Butthurt over a facial expression is beyond ridiculous 🙄
All this drama is because of your facial expression? That is so exhausting having to deal with. You are ofcourse NTA.
NTA.
In what way were you doing anything but responding to her request? You’re 25, by now your family should know that your face is gonna say what your mouth doesn’t and they shouldn’t be surprised when it happens.
Your grandma is doing to you what she’s accusing you of doing to her. She’s telling you that you need to hide your feelings and do a better job at masking around her. She’s not considering, at all, how stressful masking can be. The fact that neither your grandma nor your mom talked to you to clarify what you were upset about is on them. Grandma hurt her own feelings by assuming she knew what you felt and were thinking, so the only person who needs to apologize to her it’s herself – but she also needs to apologize to you for making assumptions about what you were feeling.
When your grandma and mom start acting like adults and talking to you about the situation, then you can worry about who needs to apologize to whom.
If you wanted to try to bring peace back, you could apologize for hurting her feelings because that was not your intention. And then if you wanted, you could explain what your thought process was. Or not. That would be totally up to you.
Edit to add:
NTA