I (34M) have been dating my wife (33F) since 10 years and married her 7 years ago
About 4 years ago, her parents lost their house, so I opened my house to them. They’ve been living with us since.
I am on low contact with the family I grew up with. I grew up an orphan and my uncle raised me and while I have gratitude towards him, nevertheless, I have so many things I have a problem with him.
Anyway, because my wife’s parent’s live with us, I celebrate all events and occasions with them. Recently, an old friend reached out, someone who’s been a common friend to me and my sister (my uncle’s daughter – but since I’ve grown up with her, she is my sister for all intents and purposes – and it must be noted, I am low contact with her too)
The common friend was actually my cousin sister’s friend to begin with but we became good friends years ago – we ( my sister, her husband and this friend) even took many trips before I was married.
Now, he called my sister and me, and asked me to come meet him on a specific date – the problem is.- my wife’s parents’ anniversary falls on the same date.
I tried telling my wife that I’d very much like to meet him, but she objected saying it’s her parent’s anniversary. I tried telling her that I understand it’s her parent’s anniversary but I soend all occasions with them ( due to me having problems with my uncle) and my sister literally calling me to meet her after 2 years and even this friend who I’d be meeting after 4 years.
I am angry, cuz she refused to come with me – and told me I do not respect her parents. I said bad things to her – like if I did not respect her parents, why would I host them ( my wife has an elder sister too but she does not contribute anything and I have been hosting her parents alone since the last 4 years)
I am angry cuz what the fuck! If I wanted to show her parents down, I had so many opportunities – her father’s birthday which is just a day away from my late mother’s birthday, even other festivals that I was with them when traditionally, I should’ve been with my sister.
I am irritated and I want’s clarification – am I wrong here?
I apologize English is not my first language so bear with me.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (34M) have been dating my wife (33F) since 10 years and married her 7 years ago
About 4 years ago, her parents lost their house, so I opened my house to them. They’ve been living with us since.
I am on low contact with the family I grew up with. I grew up an orphan and my uncle raised me and while I have gratitude towards him, nevertheless, I have so many things I have a problem with him.
Anyway, because my wife’s parent’s live with us, I celebrate all events and occasions with them. Recently, an old friend reached out, someone who’s been a common friend to me and my sister (my uncle’s daughter – but since I’ve grown up with her, she is my sister for all intents and purposes – and it must be noted, I am low contact with her too)
The common friend was actually my cousin sister’s friend to begin with but we became good friends years ago – we ( my sister, her husband and this friend) even took many trips before I was married.
Now, he called my sister and me, and asked me to come meet him on a specific date – the problem is.- my wife’s parents’ anniversary falls on the same date.
I tried telling my wife that I’d very much like to meet him, but she objected saying it’s her parent’s anniversary. I tried telling her that I understand it’s her parent’s anniversary but I soend all occasions with them ( due to me having problems with my uncle) and my sister literally calling me to meet her after 2 years and even this friend who I’d be meeting after 4 years.
I am angry, cuz she refused to come with me – and told me I do not respect her parents. I said bad things to her – like if I did not respect her parents, why would I host them ( my wife has an elder sister too but she does not contribute anything and I have been hosting her parents alone since the last 4 years)
I am angry cuz what the fuck! If I wanted to show her parents down, I had so many opportunities – her father’s birthday which is just a day away from my late mother’s birthday, even other festivals that I was with them when traditionally, I should’ve been with my sister.
I am irritated and I want’s clarification – am I wrong here?
I apologize English is not my first language so bear with me.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I may be the asshole because I decided to go meet my friend on my in law’s anniversary
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Wife’s parents’ anniversary is not an occasion you need to be there to celebrate. Couples typically celebrate their anniversary with each other.
YTA and your wife too. There was no reason for you to say bad things to other, you owe each other an apology for that. This is an easy compromise, especially if this isn’t a milestone anniversary for the in laws. You meet with your sister and friend. She attends the anniversary party for her parents, if there is one. If there isn’t a party, agree to kindly explain to your in laws why you 2 will celebrate with them on a different day. Maybe your wife can do something small and special with them on the actual anniversary date if it is important to them. Compromise is a key to a long and happy marriage, you both need to learn that.
INFO:
Did you ask your friend from years ago and low-contact sister about moving the date? Is there a reason it needs to be on this specific date?
This reads very much like you consider everything yours and nothing your wife’s. (You invited vs we invited, I host them) Do you not consider her a part of your life?
Simply tell your in-laws that you’ll miss out their anniversary celebration because you are going to meet this cousin and sister after a long gap. AND go meet them.
If your in-laws react same as your wife, time to question things at a more basic level.
Just say sorry I’m not attending the anniversary and Go! Everyone will understand or eventually get over it. You might not have another opportunity. NTA
NTA. The only people who need to be celebrating their wedding anniversary are the people whose wedding anniversary it is. It is not YOUR anniversary. You don’t need to be there.
you need to establish boundaries. You are enmeshed.
they’ve lived with you long enough. They’ve had four years to save up and get their feet on the ground. If you’re in your 30’s they can’t be that old. Probably 50’s or 60’s? They can still work, and they should. There is absolutely no reason they should be living with you. They are not 90 years old.
Seems like your wife got used to her people being the only people in the marriage. It’s OK for you to have your own people, too. Would be great if she was supportive of that, but either way, go for it. NTA.
NTA -Go do your thing. I doubt her parents care that much. What do they do to celebrate exactly? Sit and talk to people? Groundbreaking. It’s not like there’s a pinata.
Why can’t y’all move the date of meeting by a day?
NTA