I (27F) am getting married at the end of the year, my fiance (28M) and I are in the beginning of our careers and are saving up to buy a house. With wedding expenses being what they are, we requested (only for people who specifically asked if we want anything specific) for cash to start up our lives together more comfortably.
My family (immediate and distant) are insisting on getting me a set of jewellery, as it a “more appropriate wedding gift”.
- this gift would only be for me, and not my soon to be husband, and his side of the family all already gave gifts that would be meaningful/beneficial to the both of us.
- I am not a jewellery person, I’ve worn the same necklace my whole life, and I’ve only recently gotten used to wearing my engagement ring
- I am not a fan of the jewellery industry, I think it completely unethical and exploitative
My family already purchased a portion of what they wanted to give me, I was very appreciative, it was not cheap and it took a lot of work and saving to provide this for me, but I wasn’t ecstatic as I explicitly said it is not something I am passionate about, so the cost to usefulness ratio isn’t worth it in my opinion, and my family is visibly upset about this.
So: AITAH for not liking jewellery that I am getting as a wedding gift?
EDIT: SORRY, i did already accept it, i just said I don’t love the idea when they asked how I feel about it
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I (27F) am getting married at the end of the year, my fiance (28M) and I are in the beginning of our careers and are saving up to buy a house. With wedding expenses being what they are, we requested (only for people who specifically asked if we want anything specific) for cash to start up our lives together more comfortably.
My family (immediate and distant) are insisting on getting me a set of jewellery, as it a “more appropriate wedding gift”.
My family already purchased a portion of what they wanted to give me, I was very appreciative, it was not cheap and it took a lot of work and saving to provide this for me, but I wasn’t ecstatic as I explicitly said it is not something I am passionate about, so the cost to usefulness ratio isn’t worth it in my opinion, and my family is visibly upset about this.
So: AITAH for not liking jewellery that I am getting as a wedding gift?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i did not react with overwhelming joy, and when asked if I love the gift, I said it is very beautiful but it is hard to fully appreciate its value given that I find no attachment in jewelry
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your family for deciding that their idea of what’s good for you is better than your idea. Your family for getting a wedding gift that’s only for you as opposed to for the couple. You being appreciative but not ecstatic is probably the best you could do.
YTA if they give you something or nothing it is at their discretion, you made a request and they want to go another way, if you do not like it keep that between you and your soon to be husband. act grateful and you may want to apologize to your family, blame it on wedding stress or something.
NTA. they’re giving you what they think you want, not what you’ve explicitly stated that you want. rather than spend the money on jewelry you aren’t going to wear, they could’ve just given you the money.
NTA I mean normally were supposed to accept every gift with grace and gratitude. But this is really strange to me, a gift specifically for you, when it’s supposed to be for you as a couple. And I’m with you, its a really useless gift as well.
Info: Is this a cultural thing to give jewelry to your family? I know some cultures, jewelry for the wife is a cultural gift and is meant to be passed down, etc.
YTA it’s a gift either way. Some people, especially the older generation, are still very traditional when it comes to weddings. Accept the gift then go sell it for cash if that’s what you desire.
NAH Is this a custom in your culture? It is hard for many to break with tradition.
YTA. It’s a gift. They’re not obligated to give you what you asked for or what you prefer. Take the gift and move on.
I mean, asking for cash is kind of tacky on its own.
YTA
Your family made a huge effort.
Sure, it would have been ideal if they had asked, but they didn’t.
At the end of the day, it is not the gift, it is the effort that matters.
They did this from their hearts, with the best of intentions, and you damaged their hearts with your rejection.
YTA. I’m guessing jewelry is a cultural gift. Often seen as blessings and prosperity.l. You may say it’s just for you, they may see it as a gift for both, passed down to both of your kids.
You can say ONCE I’d rather not have jewelry I won’t wear, but in the end you need to be a grateful recipient. I get plenty of gifts and smile and thank the recipient.
NAH. Just sell it later.
YTA
I was going to say Not, because I was thinking about your comments where you were talking about their being upset because you weren’t ecstatic enough about the gift.
Then saw again the title, and noticed the ‘refusing’ part. So if you are refusing and telling them to get you the money, then YTA.
You dont refuse a gift just because you wanted something else. You accept politely, gush a little if it deserves it – shows great expense or going out of their way. You dont say, OH, I’d rather have had X.
One thing to think of. Some cultures give the bride very expensive jewelry on purpose. Because it is supposed to be her rainy day, desperate times, run away from abuse fund.
The husband cant sell it because it is supposed to be seen at various events and it would be shameful for him to do so. So it is a high value, portable item that may save her life one day, and hopefully provide enjoyment until then whenever she wears it and thinks of her families love and care.
YTA. Take what is offered, because sometimes it is enough.
You ask it twice. AITA for refusing and for not liking. Those are two very different things.
Jewellery is traditionnally considered last ticket to safety in a dire situation. So it’s a very weird gift from your family for a wedding. Now that’s out of the way, you asked for money, they heard you, and decided otherwise.
Be grateful and accept or be grateful and refuse. But you can’t hold the world to your expectation.
Well you can. But it will eat you whole.
The jewelry on part is meant to represent wealth you can fall back on if the man fails you, right? There is money inside the jewelry, and also symbolism. Just think of it as a very weird saving account for extreme circumstances and say thank you.
I didn’t even have to read it all before I knew you were the a hole. They obviously wanted you the have something to keep for years to come as a keepsake to remember your special day.
Btw I literally just got married last week and my wife and I were just happy people came. I would have been appalled if my wife would have done something like this and then posted it to Reddit.
YTA. Expensive jewelry can be a rainy day fund in an emergency. And it is YOURS not your husband’s. You can also pass it down to children one day who may appreciate it more than you do.
YTA because they don’t have to give you anything at all. You are the one who decided to plan a wedding that’s led to to spend too much.
But more importantly, pay attention to what they are saying with their gift. The reason why in many cultures they do gifts like this (especially since not a symbolic piece of jewelry but a hefty amount of them), is because as they told you, this is yours and yours only. That means, if something goes wrong in the marriage, you have the means to escape a bad situation.
You might think you’re the perfect couple but the point is, they want to make sure you are able to do what’s best for you. Also, the reason for jewelry to pass down from generation to generation is not just about tradition but because of passing down wealth.
You might not wear jewelry at all but if shit hits the fan, gold tends to maintain its price very well even though National crises. Jewelry is easy to pack up if you need to flee a bad situation and they probably feel better doing this for you than giving you money to spend.
No one owes you the gift you want. You can refuse it but don’t get upset if they don’t give you anything else or give only a portion of what they would have given you in jewelry. That’s not your choice.
ESH You don’t get to dictate to people what gifts they give.
Ideally, people would listen to you when you say you don’t want a particular gift, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
Let them know that if they insist on giving you jewelry you don’t want, you’ll sell it and put it towards something you can use as a couple.
NTA. Giving you a gift you explicitly said you don’t want is rude. And besides, its not a gift for you and your husband, its a gift for you…. that they know you dont want!!
I’m leaning towards ESH-ish – like you can ask, but they don’t HAVE to listen. They should also want to gift you something FOR you, not for them, which is sounds like they’re doing.
That said, how important is the relationship with them? Because this will affect it, on both sides. Frankly, I would accept the gift and then sell it or redo it into something that I would wear on occasion. That would probably make me the AH but I’m not a jewellery person, OR sentimental like that.
YTA whether it’s family or not, requesting money is just plain rude and tacky.
Accept whatever gifts you receive graciously and be grateful someone thought to celebrate your marriage.
Brutal. You should offer to return the gift and apologize.
YTA
It is beyond crass to ask for money.
ESH. It’s a gift. They shouldn’t be giving a gift that they know you don’t want. You shouldn’t be policing what gifts people can and can’t give you. If you don’t like it: sell it.
YTA, only because it feels like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. I know it’s annoying that your family is disregarding your wishes, but at the end of the day there is nothing stopping you from selling some or all of the jewelry set.
Yta,someone gave you a gift. Be grateful and show a little humility. Just my 2 cents
NTA for not liking it, but YTA for refusing to accept anything given to you in goodwill. We’re not entitled to gifts and you know that. We’re also not entitled to pick what other people give us. If it violates your ethics or you feel it somehow hurts the giver to give it, then it’s fine to decline, but otherwise take what you’ve been given graciously and sell whatever you like to get what you really want. Because once it’s yours, it’s yours to do with as you please.
NTA and so many people do honeymoon funds or other things similar nowadays.
NTA but you can’t really dictate what someone gives you. Sell it and buy something you and your fiance actually want.
YTA.