My husband wants to separate and we already have an 18 month old and now the second one is on the way (due Dec 26th) and I am 7 months pregnant. I truly feel like I am in shock. He’s choosing working away over being home. He is a freelance carpenter and can get work anywhere but he has been working at this particular clients house for almost a year now and it’s an hour and a half a way. He stays at his parents home when he is working and will not come home for multiple nights. I’ve asked him to stop taking jobs so far away because I am constantly alone. There is also a mix of abuse here. He has been verbally abusive and there was an incident in July where he actually pushed me and my friend called the cops on him. She saw me after it happened bc I fled the home to get out and get to safety. I truly don’t know how to process this. He is cold and callous. How can someone choose work over their own family? He curses me out anytime he is angry and will take things out on me. I don’t know what to do but would love advice or support in any way possible.
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Why are you desperate to salvage the marriage?
I’m sorry you are in this position. You shouldn’t fight for someone who you think is abusive. Time away from him should be a relief if that is the case. Would you have a support system if you went through with the separation?
Why do you want to save an abusive marriage?!
I say this as someone who is deeply religious and believes strongly in the sanctity of marriage—from what you wrote, there is nothing worth saving. I am so sorry that he has put you in this situation, and I wish I could offer something more than my prayers. If he will not respect you (doesn’t listen to your pleads to work closer to home) and abuses you (verbally or physically), he is not worthy of being a husband. I hope you are able to find strength and support during this time.
I wish there was a kinder way to say this, but don’t spend the rest of your life being a baby-trapped punching bag. You’re not likely doing the best thing for your kid(s) staying with this person.
At least try to talk to a therapist and get a POV on this. I’d also start talking to lawyers and get your ducks in a row. If you have family, let them know the situation. Unless you have a very bad relationship with them, chances are they’ll give you a safe landing spot. My family was my savior during my separation and divorce, and my situation wasn’t nearly as complicated as yours.
This may be difficult to hear, but you need to calm down. I think you are in a panic, and that doesn’t help anything. You need to try to understand and accept your husband’s point of view. Can you share with us, what are his grievances against you? I am not saying this to justify his behavior. It is absolutely unacceptable. I am saying this because you need to find a calm in the storm. Just because he grabs a sword, doesn’t mean you should, too, and right now you sound as though you want the law to be on your side, which it undoubtedly will be. However, the law is not much of a friend to anybody. They will do for you just enough to say that they did something, and they will rationalize their injustice in the same manner that you are rationalizing your justice against your husband. So, please, tell me where he feels you are at fault as well so that you can find a center here. You’re trying to save this marriage for your children, who will undoubtedly suffer without their father. How is it going with your kids? Are you doing a fine job with them or are you struggling? Are you trying to get him to help more with the children and he is refusing? What’s going on? How are the finances? Are you in any sort of legal troubles? Are there any drugs involved?
Hey I have a toddler and wife is pregnant due Dec too! Very sorry to hear about this situation with your husband. There is no excuse for abuse.
And I cannot imagine wanting to be away from my pregnant wife and toddler when she needs all the support I can give right now.
You have the hardest job, not him, he’s cutting wood all day it can be fun actually… not so fun entertaining and pouring all your emotional energy into a whining toddler, all the while a growing human inside you literally sucks vitamins and minerals straight out of your blood and bones…
If you really want to salvage your marriage, you need to ask yourself: is this guy just some deadbeat? Why are you with him in the first place? Did he used to be different? If so, you need to have an honest conversation with him and find out what’s going on. In the long run, it might be best to move on. It sounds like you want to fight for it. But don’t put in all that effort if you’re just worried about getting a job and supporting your kids. You can lean on your parents, and even if it takes a few years, you’ll land on your feet eventually.
If you’re going to fight for your marriage, it has to be for the marriage itself. You have to truly love him, and you must have some explanation for his current behaviour that allows you to see that’s not the “real him”. My wife and I have had issues in the past, and it’s always due to external pressures. And while we make mistakes in how we treat each other, we talk it out, grow, and learn. Now we’re going through some more hardships, and it would’ve destroyed us before, but we’re more resilient now. So, just saying, people can grow and change. But commitment is key.
>He stays at his parents home when he is working
* Doubtful
Please focus on the safety of your children and yourself. Do what needs to be done even if it hurts.