My niece was told she’s ugly in school by her peers. Objectively speaking, she’s adorable. She has brown hair and is an absolutely kind, loving, and caring child. She’s 7 years old. The girls (mostly blonde younger girls) tell her she’s ugly so often that she now has a debilitating complex. We always tell her she’s beautiful and we love her, but she responds with “I have eyes I know I’m ugly.” She also says “I know boys only like blond girls. Nobody will like me in the future.” The bullying in school just doesn’t end, although all of it is verbal. We don’t know what to do. My sister and I were so bullied as kids we’re extremely scared of having my niece scarred for life. What can we do to help her get out of this. It’s been eating us up on the inside.
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FWIW, something very similar happened to me as one of the few Asian kids at a white majority elementary school when I was around the same age. I think I literally just (physically) fought them instead, lol – I was a bit of a spirited child. I suppose the incident did scar me somewhat because I still remember it now and all, but I don’t think I’m ugly and I think I was somewhat lucky to be a relatively attractive teenager (so there was a decent amount of evidence that boys did like me).
I guess because I went through it without informing any adults around me, my advice is to let your niece deal with this herself as kids are resilient. I mean, tell her she’s beautiful and those girls are silly (as well as ugly on the inside), but… other than that, let her develop her resilience. Keep her in sports and other activities; make sure she has actual friends to hype her up. Other that that, let her handle this as much as she can independently and don’t go overboard making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be so that she also doesn’t outsize the incident.
There are brown haired Barbies. Tangled princess has brown hair when she gets her hair cut, Tiana (princess and the forg), Mulan, raya, moana….I can’t hink of any other. Ana in frozen has reddish hair.
Lean into non blonde princesses and female heroes?
There were ony blonde haired blue eyes dolls when I was a kid. I hated it. But there is a lot more variety now.
Have you talked to the school?
Is it possible to put her for an extracurricular activity? Making friends outside of school could help challenge that negative mindset by replacing it with new positive ones, building new confidence in a skill, and possibly shift the focus to be less on appearance in general
I had friends who were put into karate or jiu jitsu or some other martial arts because they were shy (or angry) and for almost all of them it helped them build confidence and make friends
I went thru this as a kid and it scared me deeply
Look into potentially changing some of her classes around.
It may be like 2 girls who are in all of her classes that are the culprits.
I also agree with the involvement with extracurriculars.
I also don’t think it’s ever too late to sign up kids for therapy or counseling.
Most of us didn’t have this as younger kids and were often taught to normalize bad behavior like this.
Talk to the parents of the kids who are bullying your daughter for having brown hair! That’s the most bizarre thing to choose to attack someone over.
I realize this doesn’t solve the problem, but is it possible to transfer her to a different school where she can start anew? The bullying could follow, but maybe there are schools in different neighborhoods that have a slightly different vibe than the one she’s currently at.
I only suggest this because I was bullied relentlessly as a kid through high school. I was one of the few of “my” minority at the school(s), and there was one super popular girl whom I had some overlapping classes with. I just endured everything (she was also one of my bullies, yey). Once we got to 10th grade, she started getting bullied, and her parents immediately took her out of that school and transferred her elsewhere. I think the family straight up moved away to a different city/county just to protect her.
I know that’s not possible for everyone, but I was seriously impressed at the level they went to to make sure she was safe and could continue to thrive in her education. Bullies suck, and once you’re marked somewhere, it’s hard to move past it.
Also, does your niece have many friends at her school? If she’s a bit of a loner, that also makes her a bigger target. Hopefully she has some friends around she can lean on. If not, it may be helpful to work on her friend-making skills.
I think the school should be notified.
I know your niece is only 7 but maybe you can show her young brunette celebrities and talk about how different features are beautiful? People like Rachel Ziegler, Jenna Ortega, Millie Bobbie Brown, Olivia Rodrigo, and Lola Tung come to mind.
Please contact the school and try anything you can to stop it. I was bullied for a long, long* time and always told I was ugly.
Even though after growing up, there have been plenty of men liking my brown hair, my self esteem has never totally recovered.
*2 years Kindergarten (starts at 4 here) not the whole class
6 years primary school: whole class
First years of secondary school (starts at 12 here) almost whole class
Last 4 years of secondary school: it slowed down, but never left. The last 2 years there was no physical harrasment anymore.
First year of teacher college, not the whole class, but my ‘classroom teacher’ participated.
They are either jealous of her in some way, feel badly about themselves or just simply full of prideful egotistical inflated opinions of themselves. Tell her some people act like that because they are jealous of something about you or because they actually feel bad about themselves. Many bullies I knew had issues at home and maybe were angry, neglected or didn’t feel loved. Some just simply thought they were better than other people because that’s what they are taught by their parents or some other influence.
Your niece is going to need a lot of reinforcement about her identity being in her spirit and character and personal strengths and not her appearance, and that she is indeed beautiful. She needs to know that those bullies are ignorant and don’t understand what really matters. Maybe you can find some books that deal with bullying that you can read together. She needs to be taught she is not better or less than those bullies, but everyone is equal. She just needs to know the truth to help fight the lies she’s hearing.
Build her self esteem. Teach her to stick up for herself. Bullies never really go away, they just change. I would also recommend talk to her teacher and principal.
Honestly tell her ok if you feel that way because the people around you are jealous of you.., just know you’re so gorgeous that you will get to move one day and be around people you choose to be. Idk. I don’t want her to have a complex and get manipulated by wrong people because she feels rejected like this. I’ve grown up being called ugly my entire life even after a nose job and for my skin color all I can say is it’s other people not you.
Therapy wouldn’t be a bad idea