I (34f) have a younger coworker (27f) who severely lacks interpersonal and professional boundaries. She has latched on to me as somewhat of a mentor, which I am flattered and happy to do for incoming generations of working women, but she’s clingy.
The problem is that she overshares on her “trauma”, personal life and relationships. Not only does she overshare, but she walks into my office and just starts talking even if I’m clearly in the middle of something. She cries a lot when she shares these stories, and so I feel sort of held hostage to the situation. She’s always giving me things like food and gifts that I would never ask for or expect, and she leaves them on my desk after I’ve left for the day so I can’t even say no. We have a no locked door policy, so I can’t lock my door. She also feels the need to slack me all day long about her job, which has little to do with my own job. Of course, she never asks me questions about myself or what I do…lol.
I’m still new to this job, I’ve been here less than one year, but I really like it. How can I engage my coworker and set boundaries without creating waves and making work life more difficult than it needs to be?
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Quit engaging with her. When she walks into your office and starts talking politely tell her you can’t talk as you’re working and then keep on working. Put her gifts back on her desk with a “thanks, but no thanks” note. She’s not going to stop as long as you keep enabling her behavior.
Why can’t you set boundaries? I can’t talk now, I’m busy, I’m in the middle of something, I have to go finish something, this is not an appropriate work discussion, I can’t accept this gift and return it to her, don’t acknowledge the gifts at all and don’t reciprocate, etc. Just because someone is messaging or talking to you doesn’t mean you have to engage in the conversation. Stop responding to her slack messages or just respond with “I’m busy now.” Your issue is that you are responding substantively to every interaction, right? Stop doing it. If you tell her you’re busying and she keeps talking, ignore her and get to work.
When she comes into your office and just start talking even though you’re clearly in the middle of something, smile at her to take the sting away and say “So and so, sorry I’m in the middle of something that needs my immediate attention can you come back later/during lunch?” Ignore her slacks or respond very slowly, like an hour or two later. If she asks about it just say “sorry, work has been keeping me really busy, lots of deadlines.” But say this with a smile and an apologetic expression because otherwise this kind of trauma sharing young coworker sounds like the kind of person who could potentially build drama around this and think you’ve somehow “betrayed her” or decided you “don’t like her.” And if she ever talks to you about how your “relationship isn’t the same anymore” tell her gently a professional mentor isn’t a therapist or a friend. And how you value her as a colleague and would love to continue to mentor her professionally, but you would like to keep things professional because you have a really busy life and a lot going on in your personal life.
She’s old enough to know better. This behavior would be barely excusable for a early 20’s new grad. Someone who is 27 should know better. I would note all this with your supervisor and HR. Don’t make a big deal out of it yet, but voice concerns over her professionalism. I would simply not reply to her on slack unless it’s directly work related. If she walks into your office, tell her you are busy and unable to talk at the moment. Basically, try to engage with her as little as possible, and I would not try to be a mentor to her. She clearly needs help that is beyond the scope of what a work mentor can offer.
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You just need to tell her when she enters that you only have X minutes to talk. I had quite a few people latch onto me over the years. I dont thinking dumping her is the right move, but you need to let her know there’s a time and place. And it isn’t whenever she wants.
I am a fan of being confrontational. Meaning, you have to address the issue directly in a live conversation before it spirals into a bigger issue.
Start by taking some time to yourself to think through all the behaviors she’s perpetuating that you don’t like or that bother you.
Then go through the list and think through a company standard or “way of working” that she can/should be aligning to, instead of whatever she’s doing. You may not be able to think of some for some of her actions, which will tell you which ones are truly out of line professionally in the context of the company, versus your personal requests.
Then go back and ensure that any of the personal requests are clearly worded in non-job threatening language (meaning HR can’t use your words against you if/when she tells someone you said them) and figure out if some you just need to keep to yourself versus bringing them to her.
Once you have this thought out, practice having the convo with her in a short, 30 minute chat. Really rehearse what you say so that nothing can come back to be turned on you as unprofessional. Try to couch as much of the conversation in a desire to support her as a coworker, but avoid any “familiar” language like “work friends, your work mentor, etc” because she needs to know you’re setting a professional boundary.
I have more thoughts if you want them, but this is already long. I had a friend who dealt with something like this, and she was so appreciative for my advice because it eventually spiraled into her having to fire the problematic person in her situation and she said that she wouldn’t have documented so much if I hadn’t started encouraging her to, which would’ve made it harder to solve.
Do you normally have to deal with this person on work terms? If so anytime they come in I would say something like does this pertain to work? Or do you need help with something dealing with work? Always bring it back to a work-related thing. Now whoever your manager is I would honestly have a conversation with them and see if they can help you with redirecting her away from you. Tell them what’s going on and just ask them if maybe they can keep an eye out on her and if she comes into your office they kind of intercept her or come in and make her leave and go do her work. Now with the gifts and things she’s leaving in your office I would give them back to her office I would give them back to her or leave them in the break room.
Do your job and give her feedback in a gentle, action oriented, non accusatory, constructive way. You don’t need to say that it makes you uncomfortable, just coach her on appropriate professional workplace etiquette.
If this isn’t something you’ve ever been trained on, seek mentorship and training yourself on this topic!
It’s likely that she’s lacking in self awareness and professional experience, combined with potentially some neuro diversity like ADHD, combined with a bad parental communication model that resulted in her normalising this communication style
You’re her mentor; mentor her! Take her out to lunch and tell her that everything she’s doing is inappropriate because it is. While you’re at it, talk to HR and make a record of this before you take her out. And then tell her at lunch that you’ve made a record of this with HR because she’s been so inappropriate you’re worried.
I had a coworker (older, funnily enough) who latched on to me and told me all about her trauma and therapy issues, and also used me to regulate her own emotions.
It sucks so much. Especially if she’s a nice person.
If you like her as a person and want her to improve, I’d start by putting time limits on your conversations and gently giving her tips framed as “hey I know your career goal is _____, I think if you work on these skills it will help you a lot.”
If she feels close to you, maybe even go out on a limb and suggest that she should look into therapy or a life coach. I only suggest a life coach because sometimes they can focus on more tangible career related goals and less about her trauma history. It varies by provider.
I would straight up tell her that you would appreciate it if she asked you if you’re in a good head space to engage.
Stand your ground. If shit gets awkward – she’ll be someone else’s problem.