I am 38, and I want kids. I am on dating apps looking for guys who are interested in starting a family. This task literally stresses me out so much that I can’t sleep properly. No one is perfect, but a lot of them make me feel like I am better off being single? I feel all good guys that are 35+ are taken? Yes there are occasional good matches, but an interesting guy who can hold a conversation has a lot of choices? I started using dating app since May, and had went out with 3 guys. I was interested in 1 guy, he was not interested and he ended it nicely. 2 guys I found physically repulsive. They used real pictures, but they were so boring that I couldn’t stand them and started to find them repulsive. How many more months should I try? How many more guys should I go out with? How do I accept I will never find someone?
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How do you feel about becoming a parent on your own? Donor sperm, etc.
> I am 38, and I want kids
the first thing here is the biological clock. i think there will be comments asking you to freeze your eggs but i personally disagree because it’s painful, expensive, and doesn’t amount to much. freezing fertilized eggs work. freezing eggs? a very low chance of working.
i would instead take that money and pay for speed dating events, match matching events, personal grooming, fitness classes, etc. anything that will maximize my chance finding a quality partner.
> I started using dating app since May, and had went out with 3 guys
this appears to be an issue. what is the reason for this number? 3 dates in 4 months is not enough; you need to be going on more dates to meet more guys – it’s a numbers game. dating at any age, but especially at 30+, is reliant on luck and timing. understand that the pool becomes more and more shallow as one grows older (it’s only natural) so you have to maximize your chances. one idea is to lower your age group and date younger men.
> How many more months should I try? How many more guys should I go out with?
you have to keep going. it’s very, very hard to get used to the disappointment and the boredom, but all you need is one. treat it like a job search, because it is: you’re looking for someone to be there for life. it’s way more important than any job you want. if you give up now, you could lose your only chance at finding a husband and father of your child. keep going.
Unfortunately in attracting romantic partners you have to present yourself with a certain level of not-caring-too-much. If people sense your anxiety, whether it’s about romance or work or something else, it’s a subconscious turn off.
Based on what you’ve written, if I were in your shoes, I’d work really hard at building a life that I love in order to counteract the feelings of dread and anxiety. I’d work on my self esteem.
You need to be able to control or at least successfully mask your anxiety in social situations or dates in order to draw people in more.
Don’t listen to the people who tell you to just “communicate more” because over communication in the getting to know you stage of a relationship is a romance killer.
Get regular massages. It will help your oxytocin levels. You could also try partnered dance classes, like salsa or bachata or swing dancing that way you get human touch and interaction in a controlled and safe environment.
Also a less conventional suggestion: masturbate once per day or every other day for a little while, like a week or two. It’s good for your body.
Yeaaah if you want kids, do that. Personally, I would separate the kid plans from the partner plans. There’s nothing less likely to help you find the right guy than desperation, and you will just get more and more stressed. You don’t actually need to be in a ltr to have a kid, let the ltr be something you find later, if you still want it.
Desperation will only lead you to make horrible decisions.
You want to only date men who have their shit together enough to have space for a long-term partner and kids. This means:
Often, they’ve had a long, well-maintained relationship before and they know what to expect. The relationship ended for normal reasons (fell out of love, did too little for it, moved away, etc. No “she was a monster!!!”).
They are actively involved in their community and they invest energy into it: they go see their family, friends, keep up with them. They have women, older people and younger people in their circle.
They are ready to invest time in you. They can have a full life, but they’ve deeply thought about how they would change it for a family (many guys want a girlfriend but are unwilling to spend less time with their own friends, hobbies, sport so the gf had to tag along).
> They used real pictures, but they were so boring that I couldn’t stand them and started to find them repulsive.
You can’t match at random and expect it to work. You need to be honest about your lifestyle and theirs: it needs to be compatible. And yeah, that includes interests and values.
Often it helps to have common hobbies, come from the same culture or place, similar interests… Just because it allows both of you to share important moments together.
this is why a lot of women are going the single mom route and just bang anybody for the genes and make them sign legal papers to never bother them or the kid
also being honest, if you dont have a lot of money, you won’t have access to the better dating pools after 30yo
it does get harder for everyone below a certain income/education status/region etc
Well, at this point you have to consider doing it alone if becoming a mother is really important to you. There is never any guarantee when or if we will meet the right partner. Yes, women can have kids in their 40s, but there are also plenty that can’t. At the very least, you need to get your fertility checked and see what options you have on your own.
You might still meet the right man for you, but maybe that won’t be until you’re in your 40s or 50s. No one can guarantee anyone anything in that regard and anyone who promises that he will come when you stop looking are making false promises. It might have happened for them, but there are also plenty who don’t find the right partner in time to have biological kids.
In my experience it’s not really about how many months but how many likes and matches you can go through every day. My now husband was 1 stand out from 50 okay/good matches that I made from sorting through 5000 likes. Burned haystack method. Sure it takes some luck but if you know what type of person you want to date and filter them out to only talk to men who indicate 100% interest in shared relationship goals, there should a 1 on-paper compatible guy out of 1000 likes, maybe even more if your lifestyle isn’t as niche. Get a paid version to see likes if free version doesn’t show them, this will save you A LOT of wasted time browsing through the algorithm. You need to make OLD your second job, I was on the app for literal hours daily. No need to go on meh dates, most men reveal dealbreakers or red flags within 24 hours of talking on the app and if that happens, don’t “give them a chance”. 1 high quality date with a compatible person > 100 meh dates. It’s okay to take a break when the meh gets too overwhelming.
I’d also consider lowering the age preference to 30+. Younger men seemed more eager to commit when I was dating. Sperm quality is also a thing to consider when trying for kids.
I am sorry for your situation and the stress you experience.
To be honest: 3 dates in half a year is nothing. I personally kinda like 1 in 10 guys I meet through dating apps. 1 in 20 I have an exceptionally good date with. In the end it is a numbers game.
If you do not get a lot of matches; go to a stylist and then a professional photographer to make nice photo’s.
Have you worked on your dating skills? There are lots of books/podcasts/youtube videos on how to date. This helped me massively. I would suggest making sure that if you meet a nice guy, your dating game is up to par. There are also dating coaches.
Finally, try meeting people outside the apps. I meet a lot of guys in bars or at parties. I approach them myself. I ask for their number myself. Not a lot of women do this; make this your advantage.
If you are so stressed about this I would say dating should be a big focus for a while. A personal ultimatum may help; Give yourself a year to get better at dating and go on as many dates as possible.
Best of luck!
unfortunately, it takes time to find the right partner. as the old saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. go into the date as enjoying an evening, but not is this the one. they can sense it.
I’ve read about sites before that people (men and women) go to when looking to create a child with a co-parent. Perhaps look into that.
I want to say this with lovee but I can FEEL the stress through your post. Whatever you’re doing now, it’s not with a cool head. You’ve been on 3 dates, of course you haven’t found someone to procreate with? Do you want a kid regardless, or do you want to have a kid with the right person? Because like, that’s key here, and those are two different things. You need to be going on way more dates.
I understand some people desperately want a child to be happy, if that’s you it might need to be single parenthood.
But also, a lot of women who wanted kids never had them. This could be due to chronic illness, not finding a partner, not having the finances. I was one of those people, and I did a lot of internal work to be okay with not having kids, and now I’m happy. It is possible to become okay with it.
It took me 3+ years to find my partner (in dating apps, and I changed 3 countries, so it was not about the location). So I think that being on dating apps since May is almost nothing 🥲
I know how painful and frustrating it all can be. Find your way to be less emotionally involved during this search and learn how to filter wrong people. I decided that for me it can a phone call before the first meeting cause I hate this situation when you’re doing in a date and understand from the first seconds that it’s a NO
How many more months should you try? Who knows.
How many more guys? Who knows.
How to accept you will never find someone? It’s not “never finding someone” that you’re mainly struggling with. It’s your intolerance for uncertainty in general, which is part of (possibly untreated or unmanaged?) anxiety.
You are asking for someone with a crystal ball to read your future and for certainty, when none of us can provide for you.
The answer to being intolerant of uncertainty is not certainty, it’s learning to tolerate and cope with uncertainty. Plus, a big part of that is liking yourself and cultivating high sense of self worth and valuing yourself now and regardless of you being partnered or not in the future or having kids or not in the future.
A good therapist or psychologist, who fits well with you and your needs, can help you over a long time address these issues and tailor highly individualized therapy. Reddit cannot do that for you.
I am wishing you a lot of growth and insights this year!
If you’ve only gone on 3 dates in 5 months that’s not good. What does your own profile look like, how are your photos? Does your profile show you are fun and interesting?
Dating should be fun and it shouldn’t be stressing you out so much you’re losing sleep. But it does take effort. What else are you doing to be social and meet new people? You definitely need to be spending more time on this if you’re looking to have kids, but you also shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself.
No. Don’t give up but also don’t focus too much on finding a forever partner. My dad got dumped at 42 and he ended up meeting his wife at 50.
Months? You need to be going on 2-3 dates a week if you are serious.
have you gotten better in how you treat guys? based on your past posts, you don’t sound ready to be dating
Meeting three men is not anywhere near enough. To find the right person you’d probably have to be meeting 1-2 men per week for an entire year. Does that sound like a shitty part-time job? Yes. That’s why I’m not doing it (but I already have a kid). But if your intention is “meet a man online to start a family with sometime in the next couple years”, that’s what you need to do.
Do you live in a small town or big city? Are you conventionally attractive?
Statistically, never married men over 35 have a higher proportion of men who are not commitment minded and men who have issues that translate into them not being good husbands.
Dating apps contain a higher proportion of men who don’t want a serious relationship, and men who don’t meet women in their day to day life because they’re not very sociable.
For your reference, I used apps for nearly 10 years and went on hundreds of dates before I found a relationship that went past the 12 month mark. I’d often go on 3-5 dates in a single weekend.
You need to rack up way higher numbers or stop using apps and focus on meeting men IRL. Lots of men filter our women over 35 on the apps
I “gave up” in the sense that I had a baby on my own at 40 so now I don’t have to wait on meeting a man to be a mom. I honestly wish I had done it 10 years earlier.
The number of 40 yo men looking to date 25 yo’s bc they finally realized they want kids and don’t want to date women their age was the thing that finally made my decision.
I don’t think it’s a matter of “giving up” so to speak.
I think it’s a matter of accepting that some things in life are beyond our control.
Have you tried looking into military men? I spent 8 years in the Navy and never have I ever met so many men willing to get married and have children. At our age, many will be divorced, but that goes for civilians as well. Even if they aren’t stationed locally, you might have better luck in that community – they often move to new locations (Navy was 2-3 years at each), you can relocate to them, or they get out and maybe move to where you are.
Personal experience: I’m not a waiter. I see a man I think is attractive and I go for it, I don’t wait for them to come to me, which is good because apparently the eff off sign on my forehead hurts my game. I did not wait months before sleeping with men, nor did I wait months before having discussions about where I wanted to live, about marriage, kids, etc… This has never stopped a guy from starting a committed relationship with me, saying they thought I was their soulmate, or marrying me (I’m on #2, the first was the decision of underdeveloped brain with unresolved trauma).
Breathe. And like someone else said, that uncertainty over hypothetical situations that spiral or turn into catastrophes? Conquering that should be your main priority right now. I have 2 kids, even traumas and things you thought didn’t bother you anymore will rest their ugly heads so fast once you have kids, it’ll give you whiplash. I think others really hit the nail on the head too: You need to figure out which role matters more to you, and why.
Take care of yourself OP! YOLO, be your own best friend and do what makes you happy – added effect? People are attracted to others who seem happy and confident. Find your happy place ✌🏻, go on dates for fun, and if you’re self-esteem is like b**** we got this, then hit those apps with a renewed vigor! And maybe see if there are any men that hang out at places you like to go to, like the gym, pottery, bookstores, [insert hobby of choice].
People always appear when you are trying the least I find , sometimes they show up just at the right time. Try other means of connecting also like different social groups or meet up’s , gym, walking groups , etc
I just want to give you some hope, I’m married to the love of my life and the absolute perfect partner and I’m a bit younger than you but not by much. I’m 36, my husband is 39. This is my first marriage and his second.
… so you’ve only been trying to date for a few months… I dont doubt your options arent great considering your age range but I would expect it to take a year or two to find someone you want to start a family with.
I dont think you’ve been doing this long enough to give up. Also. What else are you doing? Are you going out? Hobbies?
If its online only then that’s pretty low effort and id ask if you really wanted this or just feel pressured to do this. Its okay to be single. Its okay to not have kids.
If you do want kids, your children deserve good parents, and I think it takes time to find someone up tot hose standards no matter the age range.
Give up now. You can have a beautiful life without a partner. If you want kids, adopt or get a sperm donor.
Incidentally, desperation is a huge turnoff. Build a beautiful garden and the butterflies will come. And if they don’t, you still have a beautiful garden.
Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I think you just need to be upfront and honest on the apps and on your dates about what type of relationship your looking for and what your goals are. Also, it’s good to have it figured out the type of person you’re looking for and narrow down your search/dates.
I wasted almost my entire 30s entertaining relationships with people who showed me interest, but weren’t compatible with me or my goals
I met my husband on Bumble when I was 37 and he was 38. He was divorced with a daughter and I was desperate to have a biological child. I was just honest with him, but at the same time gave him the necessary space to figure out if having another kid was something he’d want. When we started dating he was in the unsure/probably not category, but the connection was there and he literally had all the qualities I was looking for in a potential spouse/coparent. So I gave him a chance while keeping a deadline for myself.
We’ve now been married 3 years and we have an adorable goblin of a toddler who we’re obsessed with. Don’t give up!
Since May? So it’s only been like… 4 months? Girl, it takes longer than that to find a job, much less a suitable relationship.
Hey OP, I looked through your post history and I think you’ll be better off focusing your time and money on fertility treatments instead of dating. Dating men is a crapshoot and you can end up dating someone for a year only for them to say they don’t want to have kids. We don’t have time for that at our age.
Have you considered solo parenting? Is the romantic partnership a required component in your dream for motherhood?
I don’t think anyone can answer when, if ever, you should give up on finding someone. But if having a biological child is a priority for you, then you may want to consider that motherhood could happen at a different time from when you find love.
Good luck <3
I think you should probably avoid dating apps and put yourself into real life situations where you’ll meet men that aren’t bars.
Volunteer with a group that means something to you, participate in your hobbies outside of your home and in communal spaces, go to events held by your community, etc.
You’ll be much more likely to find a good person doing things you love and care about.
The best way to put it is that dating apps have no incentive to show you people that will make you leave the app. They make more money by having you on them. Don’t rely on solely apps to find somebody.