I’ll try to make this as concise as possible – and want to clarify I know this isn’t an advice seeking sub, I don’t need advice, just genuinely looking for a yes or no answer as to whether I did the right thing here based off your experiences.
I’ve (30F) been going on dates with the same guy (31M) for 3 months, no conversation has ever come up to define the relationship. I really like him. Dates are consistent, we grew up streets away from each other but reconnected later in life. Last date he kept talking about he couldn’t believe how connected we almost were throughout our lives, and how happy he is to be with me now. The conversation about if this could progress further came up yesterday; he said he really liked me, he could see it going there with me, and he wants to keep dating me, but he has a fear of commitment. He wants to keep dating and hasn’t seen anyone else since we met in June, but when I asked if this could grow, he said hoped so, but he didn’t want to give me a false promise because of his fear of commitment.
So, I ended it on the phone. I was kind, not bitter, albeit sad. I said I had a great time getting to know him, but I wasn’t going to stay while he figured out if he wanted something serious with me after three months of dates. He was shocked and said his fear of commitment is self-defeating in this case, because now he’s losing me. It was a sad, but mutually respectful conversation.
Obviously, I really like him, so my heart feels heavy today. I was falling for him, but his “I don’t know” as it relates to getting serious with me felt like my answer after 3 months. It was hard to do what felt like the right thing even though it wasn’t what my heart wanted. To anyone who’s been through something similar, did I do the right thing here?
Comments
You absolutely did the right thing. From the sounds of it, he wasn’t doing any work to overcome his fear of commitment and expected you to just accept it as a part of who he is. That’s not how relationships work.
It’s totally understandable and valid that you’d be sad right now, but good for you for cutting things off when you did.
Of course you did the right thing. You can do the right thing *and* be sad about it at the same time.
Anyone who fears commitment should stick to celibacy or arrangements where it’s clear it’s nothing more than a hookup. Serious relationships are all about commitment. People who fear commitment are usually seriously messed up and not people who you want in your life.
Absolutely did the right thing.
He even did the whole “poor me I’m self defeating and losing you” bit… what an ass.
You did the right thing. I am 44 and decades of experience says you did the right thing!
I’m a bit confused as to what he was actually saying. Was he saying he did not want to be exclusive?
If he didn’t want to be exclusive then you did the right thing.
If he was just telling you his worries about commitment then I have a different answer than the classic reddit answer. When we started dating my husband was in a place where he hadn’t dealt with some lifelong trauma and he had never even thought about marriage. I decided if he showed me he was actively working on himself and his issues I wanted to stay with him. Happily together over 7 years now.
Just my opinion but in your shoes I at least would’ve wanted to talk more about what fear of commitment means to him, why he has it, and what he’s willing to do to work on it.