Hi everyone, English isn’t my first laguage, so sorry in advance for mistakes.
After an abusive marriage, I’ve been single for about 2 years now. I’ve been dating, but can’t seem to find that significant other.
The last few months, I’ve been dating casually because well, I wanted to feel that kind of intimacy again. Have had a few dates with someone in a open relationship, which has been really nice. We have had sex twice, which was amazing.
But the thing is that I feel so tense all the time. I’m so insecure about how I look. I’m overweight, I have stretchmarks all over my belly due to pregnancy in the past. My belly hangs. I feel like my breasts are ugly. Well, you name something about my body and I think it’s disgusting.
I also feel insecure about how I do things and I’m really afraid for examaple to let him do things to me or me to him. The lights have to be off too.
I know it’s problematic, but I don’t think I can handle him looking at me. And I don’t know how to overcome this? I don’t want to feel this way and it makes me sad. But I’m really afraid he will repulsed by me when he can see me.
With my ex-husband, I was always as clothed as I could be, or in the dark. He found me disgusting how I looked after I had our child. On the other hand, there would have to be a certain amount of sex. Otherwise he would get angry with me. So I gave in or just let him.
I’m already in therapy. But I want to ask you if you have some advice for me how to work on it? How can I feel more secure? Maybe there are some steps I can take?
Comments
To remind yourself that this new person or other new people aren’t your ex. Give them the benefit of doubt that they are sleeping with you because they are attracted to you. When that is true the superficial things like stretch marks don’t matter. Remember, men are just as sensitive about their bodies (ie balding) so they have their own insecurities.
https://youtu.be/bObjXY24Ei4?si=KAXVmcP-fXf2Z5-i
“Because he doesn’t care. He’s is a room with a naked [woman], he’s won the lottery.”
Honestly, something that made a big difference for me was getting really comfortable with my body when I’m alone. I got a lot of new toys during covid and using them taught me what I like and I got use to relaxing and just feeling good. This 100% translated directly to sex.
Do you think him being in an open relationship is adding to this insecurity? Especially if that’s not your ideal dynamic.