I (25F) am in a long distance relationship with my bf Dan (24M) and my birthday was coming up. Dan had implied that he will be surprising me and visiting for my birthday, but obviously didn’t confirm when he was arriving (he lives about an hour flight away from me and is doing a grad program). On my actual birthday (which was a Tuesday) I’m constantly checking my phone and Dan’s location to see if he is heading towards the airport. Eventually, I convince myself to stop checking because it would ruin the surprise. As the day ticks on, I start to realize that Dan might not be arriving that day. Finally at 10pm, I check his location and he’s at home, so he’s not arriving on my birthday. While I understand he’s in a grad program and it’s hard for him to take that time off, I went to bed in tears because I had built it up so much and wanted to see him so bad that when he didn’t arrive on my birthday, it felt disappointing. We don’t talk about it and the next day also goes by with no word from Dan. Finally, on Wednesday night I call him and tell him he needs to just tell me when he is arriving because I keep disappointing myself when he doesn’t arrive. He tells me frustratedly that he will get there Friday, and I can tell he is disappointed that I ruined the surprise. However, I think it was understandable that it wasn’t a surprise because he wasn’t actually getting here on my birthday, and it actually partially ruined my day when he didn’t arrive. AITA or should I have been more patient?
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I (25F) am in a long distance relationship with my bf Dan (24M) and my birthday was coming up. Dan had implied that he will be surprising me and visiting for my birthday, but obviously didn’t confirm when he was arriving (he lives about an hour flight away from me and is doing a grad program). On my actual birthday (which was a Tuesday) I’m constantly checking my phone and Dan’s location to see if he is heading towards the airport. Eventually, I convince myself to stop checking because it would ruin the surprise. As the day ticks on, I start to realize that Dan might not be arriving that day. Finally at 10pm, I check his location and he’s at home, so he’s not arriving on my birthday. While I understand he’s in a grad program and it’s hard for him to take that time off, I went to bed in tears because I had built it up so much and wanted to see him so bad that when he didn’t arrive on my birthday, it felt disappointing. We don’t talk about it and the next day also goes by with no word from Dan. Finally, on Wednesday night I call him and tell him he needs to just tell me when he is arriving because I keep disappointing myself when he doesn’t arrive. He tells me frustratedly that he will get there Friday, and I can tell he is disappointed that I ruined the surprise. However, I think it was understandable that it wasn’t a surprise because he wasn’t actually getting here on my birthday, and it actually partially ruined my day when he didn’t arrive. AITA or should I have been more patient?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I made my boyfriend tell me when he was arriving for his big surprise, so I made him ruin it and remove the specialness from it. My lack of patience definitely played a factor, but I also think you can’t heavily imply that you’re gonna surprise someone for their birthday and then arrive 3 days later.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
There are people who like surprises and people who don’t, and I think you just found out which kind of a person you are. (Though there are also different kinds of surprises – you may like other sorts.) To me, it’s not a right or wrong thing – you know now, going forward, you don’t want this kind of surprise. It’s not unreasonable to want to know when someone is coming to visit you! NTA.