Hello, I’m new to reddit and never posted before so I apologize if mistakes occur.
My father(52) and I(19) have a bit of a strange relationship, for the most part it’s good, but he has a thing where it’s almost impossible to communicate with him, whenever I try to bring up a topic I like, he ignores, shrugs or looks away, if he does engage he changes the topic to him.
Where I might be the asshole is I started doing the same thing and it really upsets him, he gets pissed and huffs and puffs all day, I feel like it’s justified but then I feel really guilty and ungrateful like I’m being difficult and try to make up for it, my opinion fluctuates between two and I really wouldn’t mind not talking at all but then he gets upset when I act the same and it irritates me, I really can’t put my mind at ease as to how I should be feeling/acting and even begin to solving this(??) I tried bringing it up in the past with “it’s kinda rude when you just ignore me” and he answers with “that’s what a person I am”, it does not go past this. Am I the asshole? I would really appreciate any input and maybe help if it’s familiar to anyone!
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Hello, I’m new to reddit and never posted before so I apologize if mistakes occur.
My father(52) and I(19) have a bit of a strange relationship, for the most part it’s good, but he has a thing where it’s almost impossible to communicate with him, whenever I try to bring up a topic I like, he ignores, shrugs or looks away, if he does engage he changes the topic to him.
Where I might be the asshole is I started doing the same thing and it really upsets him, he gets pissed and huffs and puffs all day, I feel like it’s justified but then I feel really guilty and ungrateful like I’m being difficult and try to make up for it, my opinion fluctuates between two and I really wouldn’t mind not talking at all but then he gets upset when I act the same and it irritates me, I really can’t put my mind at ease as to how I should be feeling/acting and even begin to solving this(??) I tried bringing it up in the past with “it’s kinda rude when you just ignore me” and he answers with “that’s what a person I am”, it does not go past this. Am I the asshole? I would really appreciate any input and maybe help if it’s familiar to anyone!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.Purposefully ignoring my father who is on the other side of the conflict.
2. Ignoring is a “revenge” that I have in a way, from a base standpoint that makes me an asshole, especially against a person of authority.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I might have been willing to give him a pass until I read: “that’s what a person I am.” That is just b.s. He can and should learn a new way of interacting with you.
As long as you’re comfortable doing what you’re doing, continue responding to him in the same way that he responds to you. When he raises the issue, tell him that he’s teaching you, by example, how to respond when someone wants to talk.
NTA! Next time you do that and he gets upset about it, maybe say something like this: Oh, you don’t like it when I act like that? That’s how it is for me when you do it. Shall we keep on doing this to each other? Or do something different?
You already tried telling him that you didn’t like it when he ignores you — but he blew you off. Now you’re showing him. You shouldn’t have to, but this is the father you got dealt. Oh well.
NTA.
What has happened is that you seem to be entirely responsible for maintaining any kind of conversation or relationship. If you don’t behave exactly how he needs you to, then he is angry. Your feelings are not even taken into account.
He might not have done this on purpose and neither have you, but you need to break the cycle. You won’t be able to maintain this and you will end up fighting more and more.
I would have a heart to heart with him about it. Be kind and make sure you don’t place blame on him. It will allow him to stay open and not need to defend himself. Something like…
“ Dad, I wanna talk to you about something. I think we both recognize that our conversations struggle. I know I feel like I’m always trying to find things to say or find things that you might be interested in or find things that we can talk about, but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I also know you are not very talkative, so it’s very quiet on your end. What has ended up happening, is that I am finding there’s a lot of pressure and stress now when we get together. I feel like I have to be talking the whole time, coming up with what to say, and if I go quiet or if I run out of ideas, you end up being upset. I don’t know if it’s because you take it personally or or or what’s happening but the pressure of keeping it going or being in trouble is becoming very stressful. I would like us to work on this being a better situation for both of us. I propose that each time we get together we have three things each that we want to tell the other person and the other person has to ask at least two questions about each thing. I think this will help us get to know each other better, help us learn how to communicate better, and I think it could be fun. Are you open to having better and more fun communication with me?”
It’s not saying either of you are doing anything wrong and it proposes a solution so he doesn’t have to “fix” anything. He’s not doing anything wrong, we just need different.
It is at least a chance at changing the cycle.
ESH but he sucks more. It’s very rude of him to just say “that’s the kind of person I am”, but doing the same to him isn’t super productive. I would recommend telling him “I find it very demeaning when you ignore me intentionally and then just say it’s who you are. This is affecting our relationship and I will be limiting my interactions with you unless you choose to try to fix this behavior.”
NTA. I would continue to do it to him. When he complains tell him “Dad, remember when I told you “it’s kinda rude when you just ignore me” and you answered “that’s what kind of a person I am”. Well, my response to your when I do as you do to me has to be “that’s what kind of a person I am”.
NAH. Just cause he is older and your parent doesn’t mean he is a sufficient communicator. He may just suck at it and atleast he can admit it.
You’re in a weird spot. It’s not your job to parent your dad, but if he shuts down emotionally and gets mad when you mirror that, the only way forward is boundaries
NTA.
My fiancees dad is the same.
He LITERALLY has ZERO respect for other people’s time, but basically demands everyone drop everything for him.
That’s a narcissistic personality trait.
If he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it.
Ah, yes. You’ve met my father.
He didn’t want to talk with me, he wanted to talk at me.
…THen he wondered why I didn’t want to visit.
NTA
I’m nudging toward NTA, although I lean slightly toward “everyone sucks”.
Just because someone is rude does not justify you being rude. I give you NTA because I do believe fundamentally the parent should be the leader and example, so I pin this on the parent more than the child (even if you’re 19)
My kids don’t like my music. They don’t like my movies. They don’t like my hobbies. I force myself to be interested in what interests them because that’s what parents do.
However, I’m talking to you, not your dad. Make an effort. If it’s not worth your time, move on – but your relationship with your dad will struggle. Maybe that’s OK.