My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We’ve been together almost 17 years and have three kids, from 7 up to 17. We live in a “Tier 2” European country, both earn well above average, own our house and are surrounded by our families. We’re pretty settled: tight with the neighbours, huge friends network, the kids have their friends, life’s good. I absolutely love it here; my wife always did too.
A few weeks ago her company offered her a huge promotion. Big pay bump and serious career move. We were literally happy dancing in the kitchen until she added the catch that we’d have to relocate.
I figured she meant the capital, maybe 200 km away. Nope. Whole other continent.
I blurted out right away that it just couldn’t happen. Probably could have phrased it better, but here’s why it feels like a non-starter:
1) The kids entire world. They’ve got their crew of friends, cousins and grandparents all nearby. Yanking them away would blow up those ties. They are very involved in their school and club communities, all of this gone.
2) Our oldest. About to start university here. Moving means either leaving them behind without family or a home to return too. Completely socially isolated, when they specifically picked a university close to home, so they can live at home on some weekend and the holidays.
3) Family ties. We’re all super close to both sides of the family. Moving would cut all of us, my wife included, off from that support network.
4) My job. I don’t have anything lined up there and getting licensed for my field overseas would take years.
5) Aging parents. Mine are getting older. I want the kids to have time with their grandparents while they can.
6) Our home. I inherited our house from my grandparents. We’d have to sell it just to downsize into some smaller apartment abroad.
If it were just me, maybe I could suck it up or we could try long distance. But ripping the kids from their friends, their language and everything familiar just so my wife can climb the career ladder is not something I think she can expect us to do.
Her argument basically boils down to how this would catapult her career and she would earn considerably more money there then we do together now here.
After two hours of arguing, I told her straight up, if she wants to do it, then she has to do it alone. There is no compromise here. Long distance is not an option, because this is permanent move and you cant run a family together, while being thousands of kilometers away seeing each, maybe, once a year.
My wife called me an asshole.
I dont think I am wrong in my argument. However, my sisters tells me I could have at least “entertained” my wifes wishes for a while, instead of shutting it down completely immediatly. I think thats pointless, because, there really is nothing to discuss.
I know it sucks and I would have loved for my wife to get that position, but its not worth everone else sacrifcie. AITA for being so stubborn immediatly?
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My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We’ve been together almost 17 years and have three kids, from 7 up to 17. We live in a “Tier 2” European country, both earn well above average, own our house and are surrounded by our families. We’re pretty settled: tight with the neighbours, huge friends network, the kids have their friends, life’s good. I absolutely love it here; my wife always did too.
A few weeks ago her company offered her a huge promotion. Big pay bump and serious career move. We were literally happy dancing in the kitchen until she added the catch that we’d have to relocate.
I figured she meant the capital, maybe 200 km away. Nope. Whole other continent.
I blurted out right away that it just couldn’t happen. Probably could have phrased it better, but here’s why it feels like a non-starter:
If it were just me, maybe I could suck it up or we could try long distance. But ripping the kids from their friends, their language and everything familiar just so my wife can climb the career ladder is not something I think she can expect us to do.
Her argument basically boils down to how this would catapult her career and she would earn considerably more money there then we do together now here.
After two hours of arguing, I told her straight up, if she wants to do it, then she has to do it alone. There is no compromise here. Long distance is not an option, because this is permanent move and you cant run a family together, while being thousands of kilometers away seeing each, maybe, once a year.
My wife called me an asshole.
I dont think I am wrong in my argument. However, my sisters tells me I could have at least “entertained” my wifes wishes for a while, instead of shutting it down completely immediatly. I think thats pointless, because, there really is nothing to discuss.
I know it sucks and I would have loved for my wife to get that position, but its not worth everone else sacrifcie. AITA for being so stubborn immediatly?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I confronted my wife and told her to divorce if she wants to d that.
ANd the action might make me to asshole cause I was to harsh
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not wrong for protecting your kids’ stability and family ties, but dropping “divorce” right away was harsh. You could’ve heard her out more before shutting it down. The move sounds unrealistic, but the way you handled it made it sting more than it had to.
I would go with soft yta.
Moving to a different country – probably USA / Australia or Japan is truly amazing experience. I lived it when I was 13. Yes it changed a lot for me but it also gave me a lot.
Also it’s not like planes don’t exist. And the oldest can stay wherever you are anyway – moving for uni is da bomb. So he/she gets to stay where they are but without your oversight
NTA – A decision like this needs to be made as a couple. Good news.. Assuming you mean moving to America… with the H1B changes that ship has probably sailed… lol
This is not a hard one but it is. Your wife seems like the whole for not thinking of the family like you did. However, your the whole as well for just going nuclear. Aren’t there any alternatives?? Couldn’t you keep the house?
Slight YTA. You could’ve sat down and talked through the logistics of this a few times before throwing divorce at her. This is a tricky situation because it would change your family, but at the same time your wife could regret not accepting this. I think much more should’ve happened before you even mentioned a divorce. You also could talk as a family and see how your kids would feel instead of speculating.
NTA – You make all the logical points here and she is just seeing dollar signs.
YTA. You should have taken more time to think about it and review the logistics in detail before automatically saying no and mentioning divorce. Like a couple days or weeks to hash it out respectfully.
Also, YTA for shutting down the conversation because you think that you’re right. You’re supposed to be a team. 50/50. You are obligated to seriously consider this. Many families move long distances for job opportunities. It’s not uncommon at all.
ESH. This is highly emotive and unfortunately you both are lashing out in the moment of an actual opportunity; not discussing / planning a theoretical move.
I am surprised all the reasons you listed weren’t in your wife’s contemplation.
If a short stint in the promoted role is enough to catapult her in the long run or if her being established there first means you’ll feel comfortable relocating in a few year’s time – Is there anyway you can reconsider the long distance route with regular travelling by her every few months?
TA: instead of talking to her about it like an adult you gave her a divorce ultimatum? That’s not right it’s a very hurtful “My way or the highway” type of position.
You stomped on her dreams immediately with no discussion. Even if you were already decided you could have at least presented your side with her the same way you did with us. But instead you threaten her with divorce? That’s cruel and disgusting.
In short your reaction was nasty. Not your opinion
You could have asked the kids before advocating on their behalf
NTA, I wouldn’t want to uproot my family and take them away from everyone and everything they know.
YTA for not even pretending to consider this option rationally and immediately moving to a divorce.
Your “arguments” are also contradictory. You say you’re fully enmeshed with all sorts of family, yet if you move your college age student will be “completely socially isolated”. Both things can’t be true. College is also the time for students to spread their wings.
You also don’t have to sell your house, you can rent it out.
This could also be an incredible experience for your children to experience a new culture. Not many kids get that opportunity! But you refuse to consider any positives of this situation.
Have you asked the kids what they want? I feel like they deserve a vote instead of you deciding for them.
Maybe take them on a trip to check out the new city, visit the schools, check out potential new neighborhoods.