My girlfriend of two years (37F) decided to ride her bike while drunk last weekend, got into an accident and broke her arm. It’s (by any measure) a minor break and it requires a (by any measure) minor surgery to fix it. I’ve been very supportive and very nice to her the last few days, even though I’m really (more than a bit) mad at her for riding her bike while drunk. She is having the surgery next week. I have a business trip coming up next week, which I’ve already rescheduled to avoid going away during the surgery. But the surgery date has now changed to the exact date I rescheduled my business trip to. She really wants me to stay for the surgery, and of course I want to, but this is a very important trip and my job pays for the vast majority of our expenses. Sometimes I feel like she has no respect for that. If I cancel or reschedule the trip again, it will really negatively effect my reputation at work and will be a big missed opportunity. If it were another circumstance, like a totally unpreventable accident or a more serious illness of course I would make every effort to be there. But saying to my colleagues “sorry, my girlfriend rode her bike drunk and broke her arm so I can’t go to the very important meeting” doesn’t seem like a good look. She’s really making me feel bad about it. AITA for thinking, as a 37yo adult, she should live with the consequences of her stupid action and not make me feel bad about it and jeopardize my job and our overall well-being?
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My girlfriend of two years (37F) decided to ride her bike while drunk last weekend, got into an accident and broke her arm. It’s (by any measure) a minor break and it requires a (by any measure) minor surgery to fix it. I’ve been very supportive and very nice to her the last few days, even though I’m really (more than a bit) mad at her for riding her bike while drunk. She is having the surgery next week. I have a business trip coming up next week, which I’ve already rescheduled to avoid going away during the surgery. But the surgery date has now changed to the exact date I rescheduled my business trip to. She really wants me to stay for the surgery, and of course I want to, but this is a very important trip and my job pays for the vast majority of our expenses. Sometimes I feel like she has no respect for that. If I cancel or reschedule the trip again, it will really negatively effect my reputation at work and will be a big missed opportunity. If it were another circumstance, like a totally unpreventable accident or a more serious illness of course I would make every effort to be there. But saying to my colleagues “sorry, my girlfriend rode her bike drunk and broke her arm so I can’t go to the very important meeting” doesn’t seem like a good look. She’s really making me feel bad about it. AITA for thinking, as a 37yo adult, she should live with the consequences of her stupid action and not make me feel bad about it and jeopardize my job and our overall well-being?
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> I think I might be the asshole for missing my girlfriend’s minor surgery for an important business trip because I might be considered to lack empathy.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO – a few Qs:
Just how minor is the surgery? Will she be under general anesthesia?
What was the cause of the reschedule? You accommodated her, then the plan changed. Why?
Who else is around to help her if she needs help? Parents? Siblings?
I don’t think it matters that she was drunk or not. You can’t reschedule it again and it looks bad to do that. I would leave it at that.
NTA
Dude, I had back surgery and my ex of 6 years went to Greece 2 days before with her mom. For fun.
This is your career and if you marry her then it’s for both of your futures. Don’t ruin your reputation.
[deleted]
NAH, how many times can you reasonably postpone a business trip without facing some sort of professional consequences? A lot of people can be affected by that depending on if they have to travel…. I get wanting you there, but at a certain point it isn’t a reasonable request from her
YTA – for how you speak about your girlfriend. Do you even like her? Why are you with her? Just break up and let her find someone who does care about her since you so clearly do not. Asshole.
NTA – you already rescheduled once. It’s not like she’s having a heart transplant. You’ll be back soon enough.
NAH. Of course she wants you to stay, you have very good reasons not to. I think the issue thats really coming up if it seems like your moreso wanting her to get another consequence rather than the real impracticality of moving the trip again.
INFO:
what is your age? I may have missed it, but you only list hers
INFO: Is your girlfriend alone except for you? Or are there other people that can just as easily take her to and from surgery, like a parent or sibling? Is this business trip seriously gonna make or break your job and income? And out of curiosity, is bike a motorbike or bicycle?
It’s not very mature of you to say that your girlfriend should have to fend for herself after surgery and general anesthesia as a punishment for breaking her arm. It’s not like she’s happy she broke her arm or meant to do it. And it’s very okay to say to your coworkers “my girlfriend broke her arm and I’m the only person who can drop her off and pick her up from surgery so I have to be there to help her.” It’s also not very mature that you’re basically holding it against her that she was drunk when it happened – I too would be pissed at my partner, but I wouldn’t punish them by leaving them alone for surgery solely because of that (which you’re doing since you say you’d stay if it was an unpreventable accident).
If there’s plenty of people who can help and not attending this trip will seriously jeopardize your job, I would say not TA. But if you’re her main source of help and you’d be leaving her to like, uber to surgery and beg a coworker to pick her up out of pettiness in order to punish her for biking drunk (which is what you’re describing), you’d be TA.
The cause of her accident isn’t the issue. Surgery hurts no matter what. She needs a ride. She needs help. She needs love and care. That doesn’t HAVE to come from you but it is required. Someone has to pick her up and drop her off and tuck her into bed while she’s high. She literally can’t do it alone.
Yes ur business is important but this isn’t about being right or wrong. It’s about checking all ur boxes. There’s a solution here somewhere that includes making sure shes taken care of and you making ur trip.
I had foot surgery from tripping on a cat years ago. I didn’t have a partner. My roommates were apathetic. I was worried I’d have to take an Uber. I was so relieved my mom flew out to stay with me for a few days to help me. I didn’t even realize how bad it’d be until it happened. How out of it I was. The doctor told me all this complicated shit and i was way too high to understand it. It would have been a nightmare to be alone.
Whatever you do don’t leave her alone. Find a solution. Care about her. That doesn’t mean sacrifice ur work. But find a solution
ESH – your girlfriend shouldn’t ride her bike drunk. That’s really irresponsible.
And while it’s nice of you to move your business trip for her once, you really don’t say whether it’s actually possible for you to move it again. You say that you can’t tell your colleagues you’re moving it because your girlfriend got drunk and crashed her bike, but obviously that’s not what you’d actually say, so it feels like the real reason is you’re just annoyed with her but don’t want to admit it (and overall it seems like you don’t like her much).
Is there someone there who can take care of her and get her home from the hospital?
NTA
I wouldn’t expect my spouse to not go on an important business trip because I was having a minor procedure.
And I wouldn’t not go on an important business trip to stay home with a spouse or significant other either.
I would make whatever plans were necessary like transportation to and fro. If she doesn’t have a friend to offer some assistance, UBER is available.
I have had far more serious medical procedures which I handled by myself.
I don’t think you are being passive aggressive or attempting to punish her for the reason why she got in the accident.
NTA , you already rescheduled once.
She doesn’t have any family or friends to help her? Your job is very important it’s probably helping pay for that surgery or at least her time off of work to recover from something she stupidly did. She needs to get over it and phone a friend she isn’t getting a heart transplant.
NTA find a new girlfriend
NTA. I’m guessing that you’re not in the UK. Drunk driving gets very little sympathy here. Drinking good. Drinking and driving? No.
I just want to say that no, it’s not a minor break minor breaks get casted and you move on. I’ve had a minor break. My kid has had a minor break.
Minor breaks so NOT require surgery.
NAH. I don’t think you’re an AH for not wanting to reschedule a work trip you’ve already rescheduled. I also don’t think she’s an AH for being upset that you’re not going to be there.
You clearly take a dim view of the drunken bike riding but it is fair to say that it’s a dumb idea to operate a vehicle while impaired. Given you rescheduled the trip once, notwithstanding this opinion, it appears you would not be punishing your GF by going on the trip. You can’t (and don’t need to) make another exception. Your life counts too.
NTA
NTA. I agree that it’ll look bad on your part to reschedule again. If she hadn’t drove her bike while under the influence, maybe she wouldn’t have been in that situation right now. Don’t throw a big opportunity for someone else’s mistake.
No.
You aren’t doing it right.
You need to work on your a-holiness. It’s a skill that can be learned, but it does require practice and dedication.
You’re not the AH here. She made a risky choice and now wants you to drop a major work opportunity for it. Supporting her is fine, but she’s an adult. she can handle the surgery without you being there. Your job and future matter too.
INFO: If she had broken it in some other way would you feel this way or are you just punishing her because she did it while riding her bike drunk?
Also – a break that requires surgery is not a simple/minor break…. surgery is risky even for everyday procedures when you factor in anesthesia, complications, and also the fact that SHE’S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO USE AN ARM FOR SEVERAL WEEKS WHEN SHE GETS HOME AND PROBABLY NEEDS HELP TO JUST DO DAILY TASKS!
Can she reschedule her surgery for when you’re back?
Tell her to call a friend to help with transport and whatever else comes up. You can treat them both to dinner and/or a spa day or whatever makes them happy.
NTA – Its not your fault THEY rescheduled surgery AFTER you already rescheduled your work trip. You already made an effort to be there, you can’t keep putting your company and the other company on the back burner.
NTA
Bro, you’re rigth. That’s all.
NTA, respect is paramount in any relationship! Her lack of judgment shouldn’t come at your expense. With that being said, maybe her relatives can stay with her. If you broke your arm, could her salary maintain the household and lifestyle?
You are NTA for not being able to reschedule a work trip for the second time. That’s life.
You do need to make sure she has someone to drive her to and from , and be with her til you get back.
YTA for acting like you are punishing her for being drunk when she had the accident. And, no way people at your work should be told she was drunk.
Hopefully this mishap has been enough of a consequence for that bone head move. What you are doing is acting like she needs to be punished even more for it. You can express disapproval without adding to the damage.
You can also have a conversation about her drinking habits and insist on counselling or AA if that is a factor.
NTA. You even did what you could to be there with her, but you can’t risk your livelihood over bad luck that a surgery got rescheduled.
The two of you will suffer a lot more if this affects your job. Does she have any family that can be with her?
NTA but bro i would not want to be around someone who’s stupid enough to ride a bike drunk lol
Her surgery has already been postponed once. Can it be rescheduled? Because that seems like a better solution if she really wants you there and you really can’t reschedule this trip a second time. NAH.
NTA, you rescheduled once for her already.
Nta for not rescheduling a second time, but the ahole for how you keep throwing her mistake in her face. She was stupid, I think that is clear even to her, but she is also in pain so stop being mean about it. And to be fair, you wouldn’t have to mention the drunk cycling at work so that’s BS. You could just mention how the hospital had to change the date, how inconvenient and yada yada… But I understand that it wouldn’t give a good impression and not wanting to do that. Doesn’t your GF have anyone else to support her? Friend, sister, mother? Perhaps someone else can come with her.
NTA – You cancelled the trip once for her, she has to deal or push back her surgery until you get back.
If a break requires surgery to fix it isn’t minor, and any surgery that requires general anaesthetic is liable to cause anxiety.
Do you have to be there? No. I don’t think that’s what makes you the arsehole…but I’m guessing how you told her about going on the trip and the way you worded it was not great.
Being someone who can’t see how this might be a big deal for someone else is what makes you the arsehole. I can only guess at how you’ve made her feel, since I doubt it’s been better than how you’ve presented it here.
Try and be more emotionally available and understanding 🤷♀️
Edit: don’t people who are drunk do stupid shit all the time? Have you never done something stupid whilst drunk? I do get being annoyed about it being a preventable accident but it was still an accident, and you seem to be trying to make this out as her “just desserts” for it. That’s also not a great look for you.
More info.
Who is her legal Next of Kin/Health Care Proxy? If she’s going under anesthesia, whoever would be the one making decisions for her if something comes up while she’s incapacitated is the one who needs to be there.
Would your absence also mean that she will need to stay in the hospital longer? They might not release her without someone accompanying her and being at the home for a little while afterward. That could be a liability issue for them.
Honestly ESH
She should not have driven her bike drunk and by the sound of it should consider your job/income more, in case the trip actually is as important as you make it out to be.
You meanwhile downplay her situation and really talk like you don’t even like her. A “minor break” wouldn’t need a surgery and no surgery truly is “minor”, they all have risks and that she doesn’t want to be alone is justified, that you downplay her situation and lowkey punish her for driving her bike drunk is just disrespectful. Also it would make a difference if this is her main hand/arm being affected. And your work wouldn’t even need to know that she drove her bike drunk, why are you so eager to make it known?
However she broke it it’s broke lol. A minor break? Requiring surgery?? Your trip is important. Go on the trip yes. Bud you don’t need to minimize what’s going on with her to justify that. In this situation I see no problem with you leaving though a scheduled surgery that can be rescheduled is not an emergency. You are right.
She’s a grown ass adult, she’s not a child. Go on your business trip.
NTA.
If she needs surgery for a broken arm, though, it’s not minor surgery. It’s not the same as an operation where you’re awake for an ingrown toenail. I’ll assume she’s getting some sort of metal work or similar. If you call it minor to her, she’s got a reason to be mad.
That said, it’s not dangerous or life threatening. Your work is important too and if your reputation would be on the line, you can’t reschedule. You tried to be there, circumstances didn’t allow it.
It has nothing to do with how it happened, this now impacts you as well and you have to do what’s best for both of you. You losing your job, making your potential promotion prospects harder etc would be worse for you both in the long run.
Yes, it’ll be difficult for her for the first few weeks, but I’ll doesn’t sound like you’re doing a tour in the army and will be back soon.
I had ankle surgery twice with very limited help and lived on a second floor without a lift. It was pretty rubbish, but manageable. Make sure she has people on hand for the days you’re away if she needs it. Make sure she has groceries so she can make food with one hand. Tell her she doesn’t have to worry about major tasks while you’re away.
NTA
It would be kind to ensure there will be someone by her side even of it isnt you. Like a parent or friend.
How did she break it if she requier surgery? And what kind of surgery? By any measure doesnt really tell us much, and most broken arms I’ve heard of just gets a cast and get sent on their way, only exception being one where the bone was fully broken in two, and even then the original plan was to put it in a cast and accept that it would be pretty crooked.
It also seems a bit hypocritical to talk about her riding her bike drunk, when you seem to have posted a few months back about your car not passing inspections and not seeming to take it seriously at all as a possible hazard to other people on the road.
Its understandable that she wants someone there for her when going in for a surgery, its understandable to not want to move the trip again if you dont really see the point of staying. If this is the same partner that you considered ending things with 10 months back due to her lack of financial planning, it honestly sound like you kinda resent her and arent all that interested in her or the relationship beyond this spesific insident.
I vote NTA, largely because you rescheduled the trip, then the surgery was rescheduled to this date. You didn’t make a deliberate choice here.
Just simply NTA, but seriously stop focusing on her being drunk when riding her bike and breaking her arm….that’s just mean and unnecessary. It was an accident, end of story. Go on your trip, she will be fine.
NTA. I can understand your frustration. You have to make a major work rescheduling TWICE because of her silly negligent behavior. You are right. Your reputation at work can be affected. I have seen very similar situations, where private issues can affect promotions, getting clients, etc.
Hire a nurse to come and check on her if she doesn’t have family or friends who can help out. If your job/career is affected negatively, then you will be resentful anyway, which isn’t healthy for the relationship.
INFO
Is she going to have sedation that requires a driver? If so, is there anyone else to drive her? Is she going to need assistance after the surgery? If so, is there anyone else to help her?
I hear you when you speak about your reputation. I understand that optics can be an issue at work. That said, you must have come up with an excuse that wasn’t “my drunk girlfriend crashed” when you moved your trip the first time. Can’t you blame the doctors? They moved my dad’s surgery several times, though it did not impact any trips. I don’t think it would kill you to at least look into another change. If a change is difficult and/or expensive and she doesn’t need help, then I’m leaning toward a N-A-H. But if she needs help and you could realistically make a change then it’s closer to a Y-T-A.
YTA MOST (by any measure) broken arms do not require surgery. Any surgery – even minor by any measure – has serious risks and side effects. You do not need to explain the circumstances of the accident to your colleagues. If you would stay if she was ill or had an accident you deemed acceptable and appropriate then you should stay and help her now. However if you don’t stay you may need to explain to them why you no longer have a girlfriend
NTA but stop minimizing her surgery.
Minor breaks don’t require surgery. That is a seriously wild thing to say. NTA, but you’re also not being honest about the situation at all.
If rescheduling a work trip because your partner has surgery will negatively affect your reputation at work, your workplace sucks. Your suggested wording to them above is bad faith and you know it. It oozes of resentment for the person you’re supposed to love.
INFO: will she be knocked out? Does she need to be escorted home? Is someone required to remain with her for at least 24 hours after surgery? What will the use of her arm be like post-surgery? What is the recovery time? Has she had any kind of surgery before? Is there someone else who lives close by or who she can stay with who can assist with all of that?
And, have you shown one shred of empathy for the pain she’s in? Because you certainly haven’t here. Regardless of how it happened, your partner is in pain and has broken her arm badly enough to need surgery instead of a cast. Support her. The lectures can come later.
Good lord, a dog attacked mine last week and I got bit saving him. Almost lost half my finger. My partner was 3 hours away and I didn’t ask him to come back. I’m an adult. I can figure life out. Your gf is very self serving.
NTA – she’ll be fine.
ESH – She needs to understand that you tried to be there but it got rescheduled and you have work obligations you cannot miss. You tried, but it didn’t work out.
You need to stop being so resentful. She made a mistake, got hurt, and is likely afraid about the surgery, especially if she hasn’t had surgery before. She’s upset.
But you are acting all judgemental on what happened. I get it, what she did was stupid. But is “You did something stupid, now you must suffer because you deserve to suffer because you did something stupid” really the attitude you should have with someone you profess to love? She can’t go back and undo it and I have no doubt she’s sorry.
In short, she’s being unreasonable, and your starting to at least think shitty thoughts.
Both of you need to grow up. Its a shitty situation that you are both making worse. Find somebody else to go with her, somebody she trusts.
NTA for going on the trip, YTA for your tone/attitude. It’s a work trip, you rescheduled once, it’s reasonable that you might not be able to reschedule again. You don’t mention whether there’s someone else who can take care of her needs in your absence, but I hope you’re taking that into account in making your decision. But like – there’s no such thing as a “minor” broken arm. And I’m not sure why you’re saying you’d be behaving differently if the cause of the accident was different. That’s irrelevant to whether you need to be there. If you were to reschedule, of course you wouldn’t announce “my girlfriend rode her bike drunk,” you’d just say your girlfriend is having surgery. Rein in the judgement and condescension maybe. Go on the trip because you need to maintain your livelihood, not to punish her.
How do the kids say it these days?
Oh yeah… “may this love never find me”.
NTA. You rescheduled, tried your best. I don’t think you should miss the trip.
Neither of you are wrong in your feelings, but you both need to grow up and realize that the other has valid feelings about the situation.
You have a job that requires trips and rescheduling for a second time would reflect negatively on your reliability. That could impact future opportunities that could financially benefit you and her.
However, surgery is scary and you can’t fault her for wanting you there. As someone getting ready to undergo surgery for the second time, knowing that your person won’t be there can make the anxiety about the whole thing worse.
Also, tell her to stop getting on her bike drunk.
You’ve already made your mind up so not sure why you’re asking?
NTA for not rescheduling the trip. Sometimes circumstances don’t let everyone get what they want. That’s life, and I think your GF needs to figure that out.
But DO let GO of the aggravation over what happened. You sound like a dog with a bone about it, and that’s not healthy for you or your relationship.
Don’t conflate the source of her injury with you needing to be there for her surgery.
You are either stepping up and supporting your partner or not. You’ve rescheduled once, that is fine. Reschedule again. You can tell them your partner is in hospital. Unless you are a surgeon flying out to do an urgent heart transplant work can wait. Nobody is dying.
NTA, You made an honest effort to be there and circumstances beyond your control changed the schedule. It’s unprofessional to constantly change your plans at work when others are expecting you to do something.
However, I had surgery for a broken ankle 2 years ago and it was done under general anaesthesia. The hospital made it clear that if I didn’t have someone picking me up (no uber or taxi) I wouldn’t be allowed to leave. If this is the case you need to make sure she has a reliable pickup when it’s done.
Also, yes she made a big stupid mistake. It sounds like you’ve already vented about it so you might want to drop the hostility already and work with her to make a recovery plan.
YTA