Hi! It’s not me in this story, but it kind of blows my mind so I’d like to see others opinions.
My brother, (30) and girlfriend/partner (30) Sarah just introduced their new baby into the world 6 weeks ago. Sarah’s parents are split up. Father (62) and mother are separated since she was 12. Father is with stepmom (64) the last 6 years.
Father and SM have a 3 year old, Carl. Carl originally seemed like a big surprise. When father announced the pregnancy Sarah felt happy, but also felt a teeny bit annoyed that no one was acknowledging their age, and how she will if something were to happen be responsible for her new brother. It’s just expected. She has 2 brothers from Mother & father, 23 & 28.
Sarah is a kind, gentle & sweet soul. I witnessed her truly lose her cool for the first time in 7 years last week. She’s often annoyed at SMs life style, hasn’t changed a bit since having Carl and her dad is run ragged with a 3 year old not able to retire early like he wanted to support him. She goes away almost every weekend, helps her elderly parents every evening (she has siblings that are willing to help, who live closer). Really just buys Carl cute things, toys and makes sure someone else feeds him. Sarah pulls a lot of the child care slack too and they live 45 minutes away.
SM finally visited their baby last week (SM picked up Carl from her house 3 times but didn’t call in). On the topic of baby’s, fertility and all the rest it SM divulged Carl is a result of IVF. So he was planned, she went crazy. Asking why she would do that when she can’t spend more then 2 hours alone with him, how it’s going to be her responsibility if anything happens, even if you both live to a good age he’ll still be young enough to need someone to rely on. She pointed said “I get all you ever wanted was a child of your own but did you actually stop to think what that meant now at your age? How much you’d have to change and what it all means?? Because I see him 6 weeks postpartum more than you do? It’s like you’ve ticked that box but forgot that you still have 100s more to tick now he’s here. How dare you not even speak to me about this? Warn me you were going to do this to a child and me?”
SM left very quickly crying, asked her to care for Carl until her father would pick him up this evening because he shouldn’t see her like this. Her dad is usually very calm but was very angry when he picked up Carl. Sarah received messages from SM & her father about her insensitivity for two days after and hasn’t heard from either since.
She loves Carl, and will provide and support him if needs be with out a doubt. Now she thinks she is wrong for feeling how she feels but I completely agree, that it’s very unfair to decide to bring a child into the world at retirement age and not have a conversation about it with the person who will have to step up if they are unable to care for him any more. Her father has health issues too I’ll point out so it’s not a “what if” it’s a “when”.
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Hi! It’s not me in this story, but it kind of blows my mind so I’d like to see others opinions.
My brother, (30) and girlfriend/partner (30) Sarah just introduced their new baby into the world 6 weeks ago. Sarah’s parents are split up. Father (62) and mother are separated since she was 12. Father is with stepmom (64) the last 6 years.
Father and SM have a 3 year old, Carl. Carl originally seemed like a big surprise. When father announced the pregnancy Sarah felt happy, but also felt a teeny bit annoyed that no one was acknowledging their age, and how she will if something were to happen be responsible for her new brother. It’s just expected. She has 2 brothers from Mother & father, 23 & 28.
Sarah is a kind, gentle & sweet soul. I witnessed her truly lose her cool for the first time in 7 years last week. She’s often annoyed at SMs life style, hasn’t changed a bit since having Carl and her dad is run ragged with a 3 year old not able to retire early like he wanted to support him. She goes away almost every weekend, helps her elderly parents every evening (she has siblings that are willing to help, who live closer). Really just buys Carl cute things, toys and makes sure someone else feeds him. Sarah pulls a lot of the child care slack too and they live 45 minutes away.
SM finally visited their baby last week (SM picked up Carl from her house 3 times but didn’t call in). On the topic of baby’s, fertility and all the rest it SM divulged Carl is a result of IVF. So he was planned, she went crazy. Asking why she would do that when she can’t spend more then 2 hours alone with him, how it’s going to be her responsibility if anything happens, even if you both live to a good age he’ll still be young enough to need someone to rely on. She pointed said “I get all you ever wanted was a child of your own but did you actually stop to think what that meant now at your age? How much you’d have to change and what it all means?? Because I see him 6 weeks postpartum more than you do? It’s like you’ve ticked that box but forgot that you still have 100s more to tick now he’s here. How dare you not even speak to me about this? Warn me you were going to do this to a child and me?”
SM left very quickly crying, asked her to care for Carl until her father would pick him up this evening because he shouldn’t see her like this. Her dad is usually very calm but was very angry when he picked up Carl. Sarah received messages from SM & her father about her insensitivity for two days after and hasn’t heard from either since.
She loves Carl, and will provide and support him if needs be with out a doubt. Now she thinks she is wrong for feeling how she feels but I completely agree, that it’s very unfair to decide to bring a child into the world at retirement age and not have a conversation about it with the person who will have to step up if they are unable to care for him any more. Her father has health issues too I’ll point out so it’s not a “what if” it’s a “when”.
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> Got mad for them not talking about what they planned. AH because they can do what they like as grown adults too
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This is a tough one.
Obviously, having a kid deliberately at that age (especially if she genuinely doesn’t see him) is wildly selfish.
But what was Sarah hoping to accomplish here? You say in the title that she wouldn’t be responsible, but then say she will be. She blew up, but what was the end game? The kid exists, and she ended up having to do more childcare and caused problems with her father. She’s not wrong for feeling it, but blowing up accomplishes nothing.
Overall, I’m leaning ESH. It’s heavily in father/stepmother’s favour, but she could have handled this better than she did.
It’s very difficult to follow this story because I can’t figure out who is talking and when they are talking. Clearly, this is not OP’s story.
Whoever made the comments about the age at which a couple decided to have child was way out of line. It is no one’s business but that of the parents, as is the care of the child and plans for what to do if either (or both) parent(s) passes away before the child becomes an adult.
If a family member is being asked to become the child’s guardian in the event that something happens to both the parents, they have the right to decline to do so.
NTA – it’s not her kid and asking her to do so much all the time is crazy.
Also, the stepmom is 64 and had a baby at 61? I didn’t even know that was possible. What a wild choice.
You’re saying she gave birth at 61 years old?
You’re telling me that Sarah’s stepmother had a child – admittedly through IVF – at 61? I don’t believe you/her.
It’s hard to believe that a woman birthed a child in her 60’s. I adopted a child when I was 54, I had a 30 year old son, and a 5 year old grandson at the time. My adopted son is now 12, and I love him with all my heart and soul. I never would have wanted a child at my age, but you do whatever is necessary for an innocent baby.
A 61 years old mother giving birth would make world news…
No doctor would do IVF on a woman in her 60’s. This story is ridiculous.
No one made Sarah go and visit her 3 yr old brother several times a week from 6 weeks post partum with her own baby. Sarah needs to prioritize her own baby and not be so obsessed with her dad’s age. Just let go and take care of of her own child.
I’m sorry I can’t even render a judgement here because I can’t get past the ages. Did Sarah really think her stepmother naturally conceived a child at age 61? How could he not have been planned?
This reeks of bs. I can’t think of any doctor doing ivf on a 60+ year old couple
So, assuming OP is writing from the perspective of Sarah, and with the information provided, ESH. Stepmom may not be mother of the year, but Sarah has WAY overstepped by calling her out on things which are frankly none of Sarah’s business.
No one asked Sarah to take over Carl’s care. At 6 weeks postpartum, she should be focusing on her own kid, not her baby brother. If her father is not happy with how stepmom is raising their son, he can talk to her about it. And it is father and stepmom’s responsibility to plan for what happens if their child is a minor when they pass. If they do ask Sarah to take on the responsibility, she is well within her rights to say no.
Nah I don’t think this is true
Sarah isn’t responsible for the kids, the parents are. Sounds like she is someone who jumps in not just because she cares but because she has adopted the role of caretaker in her family (or it has been thrust on her) That may be why she freaked out on her stepmother, because in her mind, she “has” to take care of him. Sarah should step back and take care of her own family; SO and kids they have. She can definitely take care of the boy sometimes to have a bond with him. And in case of emergencies. But she should step back and make sure parents understand that THEY are the ones responsible for their own kid, and if they cant or wont handle it themselves, they need to ask additional family members or else hire people.
NTA. It’s time for Sarah to step back on child care for Carl and let his parents do it. She has a 6 week old that needs her attention and she also needs to take care of herself. They wanted Carl, they can take care of him. Time for father to have a talk with SM about stepping up as a mother because Sarah will no longer pick up the slack
Sarah is NTA.
We get old, first. There’s often a solid 10 years of being elderly before one dies of old age (if not longer, given current medical interventions).
And when I say elderly, I define that as being physically less capable due to age. Possibly even mentally. So this child who’s going to only be in their mid-teens when their parents become elderly is either going to become their main carer because they live in the house with them (profoundly unfair to the child) or the burden of care will fall on the siblings. For not only the parents, but their teenaged son.
That burden of care previously could societally be expected for their parents when their health begins to fail… But not a whole teenager in the most difficult part of their adolescence as well! And the parents chose that for their adult children.
It’s profoundly short-sighted and selfish to think you’ll be in exceptionally good health and have all of your faculties about you for the entirety of your life. It IS the business of everyone that is now expected to cover off on their idiocy.
The parents have been exceptionally selfish by just pretending that the future isn’t going to happen. It’s mind-blowing that they decided to create a whole person with no real thought beyond the pregnancy itself other than “It’ll all work out somehow”.
Yes. It probably will, because other people will be forced to deal with your decisions.
Also I would heavily lean in on the fact that this isn’t just a Sarah problem. She has two brothers. I don’t care if they’re male and the expectation is that the care of the child falls onto the woman just because she’s a woman. They need to step up too. And Sarah may have to have a very uncomfortable “I have my own child now, and I’m responsible to that child first because it’s the child I chose to bring into the world”.
She needs to start talking to her brothers and saying “Right, what are WE going to do about Carl’s care, because I won’t be able to commit so much time to him as my child gets older”. Then leave an airgap for them to think about it and realise that this is absolutely not automatically a her problem just because she has ovaries.
A woman who has a baby, a PLANNED baby, at the age of 64 is a rock star. God bless her. NTA
Sarah has her own child. She can choose not to provide so much childcare and support to her brother because he was a planned baby and has two parents who can care for him.
NTA.