TL;DR – My friends and I have had a trip planned for a few months now. One of my friends had the entire trip paid for by me, and at the very last minute she told me she may not be able to go if her dad says no. Instead of giving me a clear answer, she just goes into how I don’t know what having strict parents is like. I pay off the airbnb on Friday, WIBTA if I removed her as a guest tomorrow if I still don’t get a clear answer?
My friends (23F) (23M) and I (23M) are all planning a trip that is due to start on the 9th. My friend (23M) and myself are pretty much confirmed to be going. And for a while, I thought our other friend was ready to go too. But a few days ago, after she was sharing outfit ideas with me for the concert we are going to attend on the trip, I asked her if she was excited. To which she said “idk, still havent told my dad and he’s probably gonna say no”. I was a bit confused because she’s a 23 year old woman, she doesn’t need permission from her parents anymore to do anything. I told her this and she basically ghosted me for the last 4 days.
Yesterday I asked if she had any updates on whether or not she could go, and she basically had a full on meltdown and snapped at me. I told her that because I was covering all of her expenses for the trip (plane, concert, and airbnb) that I need like a 100% clear answer. I reminded her that the plane ticket is already at the point of not being refundable, and I only have a small amount of time left to remove her as a guest on airbnb.
She melted down and laid into me about how I have no idea what living and growing up with strict parents is like. I also told her that it isn’t really fair that she waited until essentially the last minute when everything is already practically paid for to say she might not go, and that if she does decide to dip last minute, she’s gonna have to pay me back for the trip stuff. This led into another meltdown and a sort of weird response where she said “How about I just die and pay you back with my life?”
She also went on tirades about how she’ll just give me her entire next paycheck and be broke for the next month, or that she’ll just give me all of the $1600 she owes in credit card debt and then sink even further into it. Just an absolute meltdown because I asked if she was still going, and said if she really decides to dip out last minute that she can at least make it fair by paying it back.
I even told her if it does come to that, we can work something out so she can pay me back in a way that’s more convenient for her, like paying back a little at a time. She somehow took this as me wanting sex as a form of repayment and had ANOTHER meltdown.
The airbnb gets paid off fully on Friday, which by then I believe by company policy I can’t remove her as a guest and still have to pay for her spot.
Would I be the asshole if I remove her from the list tomorrow if she still refuses to provide me a clear answer on her status?
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TL;DR – My friends and I have had a trip planned for a few months now. One of my friends had the entire trip paid for by me, and at the very last minute she told me she may not be able to go if her dad says no. Instead of giving me a clear answer, she just goes into how I don’t know what having strict parents is like. I pay off the airbnb on Friday, WIBTA if I removed her as a guest tomorrow if I still don’t get a clear answer?
My friends (23F) (23M) and I (23M) are all planning a trip that is due to start on the 9th. My friend (23M) and myself are pretty much confirmed to be going. And for a while, I thought our other friend was ready to go too. But a few days ago, after she was sharing outfit ideas with me for the concert we are going to attend on the trip, I asked her if she was excited. To which she said “idk, still havent told my dad and he’s probably gonna say no”. I was a bit confused because she’s a 23 year old woman, she doesn’t need permission from her parents anymore to do anything. I told her this and she basically ghosted me for the last 4 days.
Yesterday I asked if she had any updates on whether or not she could go, and she basically had a full on meltdown and snapped at me. I told her that because I was covering all of her expenses for the trip (plane, concert, and airbnb) that I need like a 100% clear answer. I reminded her that the plane ticket is already at the point of not being refundable, and I only have a small amount of time left to remove her as a guest on airbnb.
She melted down and laid into me about how I have no idea what living and growing up with strict parents is like. I also told her that it isn’t really fair that she waited until essentially the last minute when everything is already practically paid for to say she might not go, and that if she does decide to dip last minute, she’s gonna have to pay me back for the trip stuff. This led into another meltdown and a sort of weird response where she said “How about I just die and pay you back with my life?”
She also went on tirades about how she’ll just give me her entire next paycheck and be broke for the next month, or that she’ll just give me all of the $1600 she owes in credit card debt and then sink even further into it. Just an absolute meltdown because I asked if she was still going, and said if she really decides to dip out last minute that she can at least make it fair by paying it back.
I even told her if it does come to that, we can work something out so she can pay me back in a way that’s more convenient for her, like paying back a little at a time. She somehow took this as me wanting sex as a form of repayment and had ANOTHER meltdown.
The airbnb gets paid off fully on Friday, which by then I believe by company policy I can’t remove her as a guest and still have to pay for her spot.
Would I be the asshole if I remove her from the list tomorrow if she still refuses to provide me a clear answer on her status?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be the asshole because I would be kicking a group member out of our Airbnb reservation, and thus also kicking them out of the trip all together.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your friend has problems. Good luck working something out with her. Sounds like she just wanted a free ride.
You are adults. Her father’s opinion is irrelevant. And regardless of the reason, she shouldn’t have committed to going if she knew she likely wouldn’t be able to go. NTA.
Remove her immediately – from the trip and your friendship circle. Don’t leave openings for people who aren’t committed.
NTA Cut your losses. This does not sound like a good friend.
If she really wanted to go on the trip she would have confirmed a long time ago. Find someone to go in her place, and don’t listen to the drama. NTA
NTA. I get that life and parents can be tough but she’s an adult that can communicate if she can’t go in a timely manner. Also trying to guilt you feels so manipulative and immature. It shouldn’t be that hard to have an adult conversation.
NTA. Get money up front next time. Then if they cancel it doesn’t impact you.
I’m available 😂🎉🎉
NTA.
Not a 1-for-1 scenario but I did this with a friend in the group with our international trip and told him if he can’t give me solid confirmation by X point then he’s removed because I can’t be trying to book rooms, events, etc on a “maybe” number.
She cant afford to go and either wont admit it or is hoping at the last minute you will say its free
Dump her. Forever. Then stop being the one who pays for people, unless you want to pay FOR people.
Its very telling her mind went to sex, she was probably never going to sleep with you but she thought the possibility of it would get her a free ride.
NTA
Her home life sounds bad and, if she knows nothing else, it follows that she’ll spread the uncertainty and chaos outward into her other relationships. One can feel sympathy for her while protecting oneself. NTA if you remove her from the list.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like someone who would make a good traveling companion. She can’t afford to get herself there without a loan, so she probably doesn’t have money to cover meals and activities while there. Sounds like it would be a big struggle to get paid back.
Lesson for next time: no one is confirmed without a deposit, with a firm deadline for paying the deposit. After the deadline, if they haven’t paid they aren’t going.
No. You should have already done it. She actually vacillating because of the cost, not her dad.
NTA. I’m more concerned she turned your words against you. Even more concerning, she’s accusing you of attempting to use sex as a form of repayment. For that reason alone, I would not place yourself in a private setting with her. Redact the invite and remove her from your plans. See if you have another friend that can make the last minute trip. If not, have a great time with your other friend and leave this drama in the past.
Just cancel her at the Airbnb. Is the plane ticket completely nonrefundable or can you get a credit?
Honestly, who even wants to travel with her at this point? Do require she pay you back? It sounds like she has dug a financial hole and maybe all the Dad drama was a ruse. Maybe she owes him too?
Yes. No need to read all that
NTA, but OP (and everyone else) stop paying for peoples’ trips. We read too many times about ‘I’ll pay you back’ that never happens. This is especially true with big groups. No money? No ticket.
What to do? Collect BEFORE making reservations. That way if someone bails, it’s on them. Too much of a hassle? Then rotate who pays for the trip.
If she were thinking of anyone other than herself she’d have told you she can’t go already.
Her issues with daddy cannot be solved by you or anyone else but her.
Cut her, now. But let her know kindly “listen, I hoped you could come but clearly it’s not happening. I need to protect both of our pocketbooks. I’m sorry, but it’s done.
By doing this now I saved you $300, but I still need repayment for the rest. Let’s work that out.”
NTA. You should have cancelled her trip like yesterday.
Let’s look again at what she said to you:
— “How about I just die and pay you back with my life?”
— She’ll just give me her entire next paycheck and be broke for the next month
— She’ll just give me all of the $1600 she owes in credit card debt and then sink even further into it
Your friend is majorly manipulative. She’s also telling you that her dad may not let her go anyway. Some people have interesting family dynamics. Whatever, fine. She is also accusing you of making sexual advances. At what point do you realize that this trip will not be fun if she goes?
With the way she is behaving, she is not your friend. Remove her from the trip immediately. Tell her in a plain, simple way, “It looks like this trip isn’t going to work out, I have cancelled your reservation. Best wishes.” Then block her number bc she is going to come at you with some high-speed drama tirade. I’m old enough to be your mom, so I’ve been around the block a few times. OP, I recommend you drop this young woman as your friend and don’t speak with her anymore.
Remove her. Way too much drama. NTA.