For context, I (25f) have a very strained relationship with my mother (55f). This is something I haven’t chose. I was raised in a evangelical household. Christianity never sat right with me as a child but I had to conform because I wasn’t given a choice. The punishments I would endure, the screaming, the guilt tripping, under the justification of religion made me a very anxious child. I would cope by trying to be invisible. I would get straight As, always did my chores and most importantly, stayed out of the way.
My mother is a very domineering woman and she would not just punish me, but also everyone in the house. My father for example. She controls his money, he’s not allowed to have friends and is miles away from his family. She also sees her daughters as competition, so the relationship between me and father barely exists. He doesn’t make any effort to have one with me as this would bother her. They moved away to be closer to her family and I have not lived with them since. My boyfriend suggested I come live with him and his family. I was very scared at first because I didnt want to be put in a position like that again. However, they’ve treated me with nothing but kindness and showed me how a family should be. Its been very healing. Her finally leaving created a massive shift in my life. I felt I could start rediscover myself and gain back the years I lost. I dropped the Christian label as I wasn’t in fear of being kicked out. I never told her. Until about the beginning of this year. I just couldn’t stand it. She also found out I was living with my boyfriend, which she didnt agree with. She immediately started a campaign against me. Getting family members to talk to me and show me Christian videos. Anytime she would call she would be screaming at me Bible verses and calling me names, telling me that Im going to hell. I tried for several months to endure it and have her see my side. I eventually just couldn’t do the disrespect anymore and I told her to only contact me in case of emergency. I have not visited or attended any family gatherings ever since. FAST FORWARD to today. My sister is wanting me to travel to her house for Christmas. I really miss my sister, my twin brother and my nephews which i haven’t gotten to see in over a year now. I really want to go. However, my parents are coming. Now my mother is telling my sister she will not go to Christmas if I come and me and my boyfriend share a bed. I know in a isolated situation its not that big of a deal, in a normal context if someone had wanted us to sleep separately I would. However, I feel like this her attempt to control and Im scared that if I let her win this, she will win in other demands as well.
My boyfriend is also my support through all this. Im an anxious person and we sleep together every night. If Im going to put myself in this situation, I don’t want to make myself or him uncomfortable.
So in conclusion, with all the context,
Should I go to Christmas this year?
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For context, I (25f) have a very strained relationship with my mother (55f). This is something I haven’t chose. I was raised in a evangelical household. Christianity never sat right with me as a child but I had to conform because I wasn’t given a choice. The punishments I would endure, the screaming, the guilt tripping, under the justification of religion made me a very anxious child. I would cope by trying to be invisible. I would get straight As, always did my chores and most importantly, stayed out of the way.
My mother is a very domineering woman and she would not just punish me, but also everyone in the house. My father for example. She controls his money, he’s not allowed to have friends and is miles away from his family. She also sees her daughters as competition, so the relationship between me and father barely exists. He doesn’t make any effort to have one with me as this would bother her. They moved away to be closer to her family and I have not lived with them since. My boyfriend suggested I come live with him and his family. I was very scared at first because I didnt want to be put in a position like that again. However, they’ve treated me with nothing but kindness and showed me how a family should be. Its been very healing. Her finally leaving created a massive shift in my life. I felt I could start rediscover myself and gain back the years I lost. I dropped the Christian label as I wasn’t in fear of being kicked out. I never told her. Until about the beginning of this year. I just couldn’t stand it. She also found out I was living with my boyfriend, which she didnt agree with. She immediately started a campaign against me. Getting family members to talk to me and show me Christian videos. Anytime she would call she would be screaming at me Bible verses and calling me names, telling me that Im going to hell. I tried for several months to endure it and have her see my side. I eventually just couldn’t do the disrespect anymore and I told her to only contact me in case of emergency. I have not visited or attended any family gatherings ever since. FAST FORWARD to today. My sister is wanting me to travel to her house for Christmas. I really miss my sister, my twin brother and my nephews which i haven’t gotten to see in over a year now. I really want to go. However, my parents are coming. Now my mother is telling my sister she will not go to Christmas if I come and me and my boyfriend share a bed. I know in a isolated situation its not that big of a deal, in a normal context if someone had wanted us to sleep separately I would. However, I feel like this her attempt to control and Im scared that if I let her win this, she will win in other demands as well.
My boyfriend is also my support through all this. Im an anxious person and we sleep together every night. If Im going to put myself in this situation, I don’t want to make myself or him uncomfortable.
So in conclusion, with all the context,
Should I go to Christmas this year?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to know if I am the asshole if I do not attend my sisters Christmas and miss out on seeing them because I am refusing to sleep separately from my boyfriend
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your mother does sound like she is way too much. It is perfectly understandable that you don’t want to join your family for Christmas.
NTA either way you decide to go, but my suggestion is to go IF and ONLY IF your sister is willing to call your mom’s bluff and say that you and your boyfriend are HER invited guests and rooming arrangements are up to HER as the host.
If your sister is trying to get you to cave to your mom’s bullshit then don’t go.
NTA
Christmas is a time of goodwill and self-reflection. If being around some people doesn’t allow you to experience the goodwill and self-reflection, remember that you don’t owe anyone your presence.
One of the most personally freeing moments in my life was when I decided that “Family Christmas” was just a terrible time and I didn’t want to participate further.
Do what is in the best interest of your own feelings and mental health.
You should go no contact this year, not to Christmas. I’m sorry, but you were raised by a very bad person.
If you’re interested, check out r/EstrangedAdultKids
NTA. If you really want to see your family (other than mom) and you can afford it, get a hotel room for a couple of days. That removes anyone’s leverage. They can’t control who you sleep with under another roof. Visit during the day, return to your room, and recharge at night.
NTA. Do what’s best for you. What she wants should no longer have an impact on your life.
The safest choice for you and your boyfriend is not to attend. Even if you are LC, it seems to me your mother still has some control over you because you said “if I let her win this, she will win in other demands as well”. So until you are absolutely free from her influence, it’s better not to be in the same place together
The only hell is your mother. I mean you could go for Christmas if that’ll keep your mother away then you get to see your sibs. Otherwise don’t go. What about inviting your sibs to you instead if you want to see them. Unless of course they are religious nutjobs too…
One of the joys of adulthood is that you get to choose who you want in your life and when you want to see them. I think accepting your sister’s invitation for Christmas (a Christian holiday) would just mire you in toxic patterns, and give your mother entirely too much control.
Can you not arrange to see her at another time, away from fraught holidays and when your mother isn’t there?
NTA. I had an abusive mother. Please enjoy your Christmas.
NTA – You gotta do what’s best for you. If you want to see your sister, there are plenty of other times you can see her without having to be in the same space as your mother.
Go. Stay in a hotel. Your hateful mom said she would stay away. See your sibs. If your mom shows anyway, tell her you had Xmas sex.
NTA
You are describing severe narcissistic abuse and would be foolish to walk into that without controls and an exit.
If you go, you must rent a hotel room nearby. If things are unpleasant, you return to the hotel. If pressure is out on you, you return to the hotel. If ugliness is directed at you, you return to the hotel.
And it would be entirely reasonable to reach out to your siblings snd tell them you miss them but are not up for any further abuse from mom, at all. You choose not to tolerate the intolerable. Sibling relationships are longer lasting than parental ones, those are the folks who will bury your mom, so find your allies and firm your own relationships with them.
NTA. I wouldn’t go because you’re going to get nothing but judgment.