My fiancé and I decided to take out a credit card and pay for our wedding, so we get bonus points that could be used towards our honeymoon.
While applying for the Chase card (I have better credit) I figured out, only one person is able to apply for the card. I brought it to his attention then and said “can we sign an agreement we’re both responsible for paying it off” and he didn’t say much.
Fast forward to us making our first payment for our venue ($6,000) I started getting anxiety putting that large of an amount on a credit card in my name. His mom is helping us paying for some of the wedding, so we are paying the card off right away, but after everything is all said and done, we’ll still be short so we’ll be paying out of pocket or paying off the credit card with whatever the remaining balance is. After we submitted the payment, I said I need to type up that agreement. He admittedly took offense to it and said “that’s a smack in the face that you don’t trust me, I’m not signing it.” I explained how with it only being in my name stresses me out he said “you should just trust me that I will be paying it too” It’s not that I don’t trust him, but god forbid something happened, I would be the one stuck and left with this debt. I wouldn’t be marrying him, if I thought we’d breakup but my mom has instilled it into my head, never financially rely on a man, so an agreement would make me feel a lot better. My fiancé then made the comment “we’re not married, I shouldn’t have to sign it” ??? Not really sure what that means but I explained we’re literally doing this to get married so what’s the difference. He then gave the example, “should I creat an agreement that you’d be responsible for rent if something happened?” I replied “yeah, it’s called a lease… which I signed”
We went to bed without speaking and haven’t brought up the conversation again. AITA for asking him to sign an agreement he would still have to pay his part if anything happened?
Comments
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My fiancé and I decided to take out a credit card and pay for our wedding, so we get bonus points that could be used towards our honeymoon.
While applying for the Chase card (I have better credit) I figured out, only one person is able to apply for the card. I brought it to his attention then and said “can we sign an agreement we’re both responsible for paying it off” and he didn’t say much.
Fast forward to us making our first payment for our venue ($6,000) I started getting anxiety putting that large of an amount on a credit card in my name. His mom is helping us paying for some of the wedding, so we are paying the card off right away, but after everything is all said and done, we’ll still be short so we’ll be paying out of pocket or paying off the credit card with whatever the remaining balance is. After we submitted the payment, I said I need to type up that agreement. He admittedly took offense to it and said “that’s a smack in the face that you don’t trust me, I’m not signing it.” I explained how with it only being in my name stresses me out he said “you should just trust me that I will be paying it too” It’s not that I don’t trust him, but god forbid something happened, I would be the one stuck and left with this debt. I wouldn’t be marrying him, if I thought we’d breakup but my mom has instilled it into my head, never financially rely on a man, so an agreement would make me feel a lot better. My fiancé then made the comment “we’re not married, I shouldn’t have to sign it” ??? Not really sure what that means but I explained we’re literally doing this to get married so what’s the difference. He then gave the example, “should I creat an agreement that you’d be responsible for rent if something happened?” I replied “yeah, it’s called a lease… which I signed”
We went to bed without speaking and haven’t brought up the conversation again. AITA for asking him to sign an agreement he would still have to pay his part if anything happened?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my fiancé to sign an agreement regarding finances, that he took offense to. I am not sure if I am the asshole for asking him to sign an agreement
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, this should’ve been signed before you made any payment so it’s alarming that he has you sign a lease for rent but he won’t do the same for you.,.
NTA
Ideally – get a pre-nup, not just chicken scratch on a piece of paper. It’s not just for the rich.
The process of discussing money will make your marriage stronger.
If you already can’t have healthy conversations about money, it will only get worse, not better.
I don’t know. I wouldn’t have a wedding that I couldn’t afford. If you are stressed about credit card debt before the wedding, have less expensive wedding?
NTA, and based off of this, a pre-nup wouldn’t be unwise. Depending where you live, debt can become a community asset after you’re married. Protect yourself.
This makes me uncomfortable for you. Ask him to sign a prenup and see what his response is. That will give you major insight into his character. Therapy always helps too.
The points you think you are getting is not worth the strife it is causing. Stop using the cc
NTA
His response is concerning. Keep your eyes on that. Don’t go into any more debt on that card without the agreement. It’s in your name and you get to decide what is charged to it.
Think carefully as you go forward and legally attach yourself to someone who balks at giving you simple peace of mind. If he is going to pay it, he shouldn’t have a problem signing it for your sake.
ESH
His reaction is weird and childish.
You both should have agreed on this beforehand. Him “not saying much” is reason to stop doing what you’re doing and have a discussion.
Also going into debt for a wedding is a bad decision, particularly a level of debt you’re not comfortable with.
NTA because you’re trying to protect yourself, but this is obviously a major sign that you all aren’t in the same page financially.
Sorry but YTA for opening a credit card to pay for your wedding. Have the wedding you can afford and save up for a celebration at another time. Unless you can pay the card off at the.end of billing cycle, the interest on the Chase card is 18-28%. You’re going into to debt to have a wedding you can’t afford and hoping you get enough cash gifts or pay it off.
INFO: did he have any input in selecting the location, any aspect of the wedding and know about the cost involved?
NTA this is something that should not cause this much tension, you were foolish to put such a large amount on the card without an agreement. Personally I would reverse the payment, then only book what you can comfortable afford BOTH OF YOU
BIG FAT RED FLAG FLYING HERE…why would someone who promises to pay 50% of the wedding credit card bill be offended by putting it in writing? Someone who IS trustworthy would prove it by signing that agreement!
Perhaps you both need some counseling and do a better job communicating.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons his credit is not as good as your?
NTA
He’s engaged and planning a wedding and pulled the “we’re not married” card?
Wtaf. That’s literally nonsense.
You know what it means? It means “I’ll say anything to weasel out of being responsible and being a part of this relationship. Juat do it for me and leave me alone. I don’t want to deal with it.”
Finances are one of the top reasons marriages end.
Have you two discussed finances, budget, debts, and your financial plans for the future? Please do.
NTA. I don’t think you need a pre-nup but y’all need to have a sit down conversation and realization that if y’all are married “trust” is insufficient for financial arrangements.
And understand, I used to think like him, and boy was I wrong. Its not even a matter of trust as it is a matter of having your ducks in a row when you want to make larger financial decisions.
heck, thsi is probably why your credit is better than his and he needs an education on why he is wrong and on a path for hardship if he doesn’t understand “trust” is worthless when it comes to money.
NTA. If my fiancé was acting like this there’d be no wedding. He’s definitely not planning to pay otherwise it wouldn’t be a big deal. Time to use that cc to find your own place
ESH. DO NOT GET MARRIED. Seriously if you are entering the marriage going tit for tat and already arguing just save the money and cancel it. You have better credit and his credit is so bad he can’t even open a CC? Already you guys are different. Then his mom is helping pay but I don’t see a mention of either you or his mom paying. Then the passive aggressive comment. Being alone is less lonely than being in a relationship where you feel alone. DO NOT GET MARRIED!
NTA. He is absolutely not planning to help you pay that back, or he would sign without complaint. He is mad that you caught him, and trying to punish you for being right about needing this agreement. I hope you don’t marry this man.
Whatever you need, my dear.
That’s what a decent guy would say.
>It’s not that I don’t trust him
It kinda sounds like it is. The only problem you seem to be attempting to solve here is ‘what if he refuses to pay his half’.
You seem to have created a conflict out of nowhere by insisting on a solution that won’t work to a problem that didn’t exist. Ironically, the most likely thing to create a real problem is him calling the wedding off because of you doing this.
YTA for treating your partner as someone who needs to be tied down by a faux contract. Given that you’re expecting to have enough cash on hand to pay the credit card off immediately anyway, you should just make sure you’ve actually got the cash on hand, then pay the card off immediately. No-one needs to promise to maybe do anything in the future if you just do it now.
And you should, and quickly, because you’ve just told your fiance that you don’t trust him and don’t think he’s a decent person who settles their debts, and there’s no telling what that’s going to have done to your relationship.
NTA. When you broach the topic again, explain that it’s not a matter of trust, and it’s not specifically about him at all, but you need this from him to feel financially secure. If he takes that right in the ego, that’s a red flag. IF he’s intending to contribute anyway, it shouldn’t be a big deal to put it in writing.
It’s like having a prenup: you aren’t planning to divorce, but things happen in life, and you want to be able to put your best foot forward if you have to take that step.
NTA. And the fact that he doesn’t want to is a red flag.
First, that agreement won’t protect you at all. It has zero legal standing with the credit card company but would be helpful in small claims court. That said, regardless of legality, his reaction is a major issue. nta
NTA. There is a reason you have a better credit rating than he does. The fact that he won’t sign an agreement to also pay for the debt is a great big red flag. It’s OK for you to go in debt if things go south but not for him Financial incompatibility is often reason a for divorce.
I think you need to put things on hold for a little bit to iron out some of the very very important details. Good luck to you.
The two of you aren’t ready for marriage.
Quite sure his low credit score comes from his superior financial management. YTA when the number one reason for divorce is incompatible financial compatibility. Why set yourself up with paying off debt the first quarter of your adult life on a failed marriage.
NTA but you’re overthinking this. If you divorce, the courts will require him to take half the debt too – especially since it’s clear that it was a joint purchase.
NTA. Asking for a simple “we both pay this” agreement isn’t mistrust, it’s just smart. Like, you wouldn’t walk into a joint loan blindfolded—this is just adulting. If he flips out over a tiny paper saying he’ll pay his share, that’s a red flag, not you being controlling.
NTA.
He’s saying he shouldn’t have to sign because you aren’t married.. but, you got this card specifically to pay for your wedding? That makes it sound like he isnt sure that he actually wants to get married to you.
Having him sign an agreement that he will pay towards the card is a smart idea.
But, I honestly think that taking out a credit card specifically to pay for your wedding and honeymoon is a really stupid move to begin with. You are going into your marriage with debt knowing that money is the number one reason for divorce.
Run
ESH. His reluctance should be a huge wake up call to you and enough to make you pause and reevaluate. Are you two actually on the same page when it comes to financial matters? This is a major issue in most unhappy marriages and needs to be addressed beforehand.
But also, putting the wedding on a credit card is a bad move. Why would you want to start marriage off with the debt burden?
NTA. I understand where you are coming from. At this point, you need to decide if this is going to become an argument or if you’re ok letting it go. Look at this as a lesson learned. Next time each of you take out a credit card and put half the balance on each card.
Flip side of “you don’t trust me so I won’t sign “ is, “let me show you literally can trust me by signing this commitment for you.”
Yta. This is insulting. If you feel you need this agreement over a couple of thousand then why are you marrying him?
And yes, the agreement does say you don’t trust him.
NTA. I believe all couples should have a premarital agreement laying out each other’s debts and assets and who is responsible for/entitled to those items. It should also lay out how you both intend to tackle finances in the marriage (yours-mine-ours/joint/totally separate) and who gets what should the marriage not last. Each of you should have your own attorney review it and the agreement should be drawn up in plenty of time prior to the ceremony so as to avoid the claim of it being signed “under duress”.
You have every right to be concerned. I’m not saying this is a red flag but I will say that one of the top 3 reasons why marriages don’t work out is because couples don’t agree on finances (any financial issues, really). Please think seriously if his attitude is one you’re willing to deal with for a lifetime.
NTA.
Just my two cents, I’m not entirely sure a piece of paper with your signatures is enough to hold up to scrutiny. It sounds like you want extra assurance in case he has some kind of accident (god forbid) or worse. This seems like a reasonable request. I just wonder if something like this needs to be more official or notarized, like a pre-nup.
Yikes. NTA for wanting what would only be fair. I would really REALLY really reevaluate what you’re getting yourself into. You never should’ve done this without the signed document FIRST. Also- why are you starting your marriage in so much debt!???!?
Red flag that his response is ‘I’m not signing it’. It’s one thing to be ‘offended’ by the perception you don’t trust him, but to sign it anyway to prove he is claiming equal responsibility. Quite another to refuse to sign it. Really just proving he would leave you with the debt in such a situation.
NTA
YTA – You are aware that you are signing agreement to merge your finances when you get married, correct? Very weird that you’re making him sign a piece of paper that will likely not even be legal once you get married. Are you going to have a lawyer draft it to make sure it’s even legal? He should absolutely run away. Why start a new life with someone who doesn’t have basic trust in him. And it doesn’t sound like you’re asking, you’re telling because it’s very clear you don’t think he should have a choice.
NTA Being financially responsible as a couple is going to be a lifelong practice so it’s important to start now, from the beginning. You’re entering into it with a wedding has already caused you to live above your means. It’s important to get on the same page about it.
Saying that though, I would ensure that the agreement for the venue is in both of your names. Maybe this cc charge isn’t the sword to fall on, since (god forbid) if anything happened, the expense itself is mutual and can be settled in small claims.
If that’s true, your conversation can go more like, “yes honey, I trust you and I will let this go because it’s important to you, but let’s set ourselves up better for future financial decisions so that we can both avoid unnecessary stress”.
NTA – but honestly, you should have settled that and signed an agreement before using the card
Maybe consider talking to the bank about a joint account and line of credit to pay off the card- interest rate would almost certainly be lower on your balance owed and the debt would be jointly owned should anything cause the marriage to fail or not happen
esh. You are having a wedding you can’t afford and marry someone you don’t trust, this isn’t going to end well.
NTA
He’s confirming all of your fears: if you don’t MAKE him responsible for something, he’ll easily decide not to be.
Regardless of the fact that you’re about to marry someone who has indicated they have no problem letting you worry and leaving you high and dry if they can save themselves, putting yourself in debt or under financial burden for one day is foolish.
Putting yourself in a financial headlock for this guy? Bad idea.
I’m rooting for you to figure out you can do better than this guy…I hope you listen to your gut on this one, cuz it’s screaming at you.
Nta if there’s no agreement before the credit card no way I would have gotten it my take is why get married without the cash. Why go in debt for a wedding..
NTA, unless you don’t stop in your tracks and reassess these red flags.
The points are likely not worth it. Most credit cards only give 1% back on general purchases and 3% on groceries. $10,000 general purchases only gives back $100 which is not much considering the risk ypu carry if you don’t pay your credit asap and have to pay 19% or more. I think that issue could practice that if you open up a credit card with a partner that both people are responsible for paying attention in writing. Him pushing back on it raises some concerns.
This might be the worst financial decision I’ve ever seen.
NTA, but it’s not enforceable. Be sure to read the terms and conditions of the credit agreement thoroughly.
ESH. If you agreed to marry someone I would hope that you trust each other to adhere to whatever financial goals and rules you’ve set in place for your future. So YTA for asking but the fact that he said he won’t sign it is also worrisome.
While I may have been slightly offended if my husband had ask for such a document when we planned our wedding I’d also want him to feel confident and comfortable with taking on the risk of opening a card only in his name. So fiancé is an Ahole too and this is a bit of a flag and topic you both need to talk about before saying “I do”.
May want to consider a prenup
You’re offended I asked; I’m offended you refused. 💯 NTA
NAH
Totally valid to want the agreement, and totally valid to be surprised at the need for one.
Stick to your guns, but maybe reassure him that combining finances, etc is new to you and that over time, you’ll get more comfortable.
Don’t share a credit card with someone you’re not married to. You could apply for one, and cover some expenses. And he could apply for one and cover other expenses. This way, both would be individually responsible.
YTA you are marring this person. It is your wedding too. If you cannot trust your partner over finances you are not mature enough to get married.
How low is his credit score?
OP – this is a huge red flag – NTA
Your opinion on this issue should be identical to your feelings regarding a prenuptial agreement
ESH: Take the money his mother is offering and build budget based on that amount. Ditch the credit card. And get marriage preparation counselling.
“my mom has instilled it into my head, never financially rely on a man” If the credit card debt is in your name he is relying on you not you relying on him.
Your mothers are far too involved.
NTA
But silly. You are right in a way, you should not risk carrying the load alone if your relationship falls apart prior to marriage, but there was another way to deal with this.
Plan a wedding you can both afford and fund together without debt
The debt is a legal agreement between you and Chase. They are not going to care if he typed something to you, they did not make an arrangement with him. They will chase you for the debt, you can try and chase him. Good luck with that.
You are nervous, that’s good, you should be. The problem is you are missing the obvious answer. Manage your finances and expectations. The point is the marriage I’m assuming? You can do that at the court house and a celebration you can afford. People have celebrated with cupcakes and a BBQ. If that doesn’t fit your dream? Budget and save. Problem solved.
Cancel the credit card. Pay it off together (hopefully) and budget…
I wouldn’t marry someone I couldn’t have a reasonable conversation with.
How can you trust to marry someone whom you do not trust to help you pay back the wedding credit card? Sign a purchase/payback agreement for the wedding debt? With your soon to be husband?
HUGE RED FLAG. I’d stop right now before proceeded to add more dept to YOUR credit card. He’s already being an ass and making up excuses. You should think before actually marrying him.
NTA – but it sounds like he isn’t ready for marriage.
If he were ready for marriage to you , he would be doing everything he could to make you feel better about the money situation. He would be willing to sign the paper to ease your mind.
There is a difference between boyfriend/girlfriend love and spousal love. With boyfriend / girlfriend love, the more you please, the more love you receive. The more you displease, the less love you receive. With spousal love, it’s the opposite. When you are pleasing, you are receiving love from your spouse. When you are “displeasing” or going through a rough patch, a spouse will give you more love to help you through the rough patch.
Your fiancé is acting like a boyfriend and NOT a soon to be spouse. You raised a concern and rather than reassuring you, he withheld affection and showed displeasure with you.
Lastly, you should never go into debt to pay for a wedding. That is a huge red flag. It’s ok if you have the money, and you choose to open a credit card and charge everything to get points, then pay off the card in the same month to avoid interest charges. you have a wedding you can afford. If you can’t afford the venue, you find a cheaper venue or you reduce other expenses. It’s not about the wedding, it’s about the marriage the wedding is day 1 of a marriage that is supposed to last for decades. You can’t afford day 1, and your fiance isn’t acting like a spouse should be. He is not being a partner to you.
I would strongly suggest that you need to halt the planning and step back and think about this marriage. Do you want spouse who is accusatory when you have a situation that is a problem?? Or do you want a spouse that is working with you to figure it out?? If he didn’t have a good enough credit score to get a credit card, then he doesn’t have the means the pay his fair share of the expenses. And what happens if something happens to you (ie you fall and fracture your ankle) and you can’t work?? Can you rely on him to pick up the slack and pay the bills and take care of you?? That is what a spouse would do without asking. I had foot surgery, on my left foot, in a boot for 4 weeks, and I told my hubby I was going to a committee meeting, and he replied oh no you are not, you had a surgery, you aren’t driving. I said my right foot is good. He said but your left foot is supposed to be elevated and you are supposed to minimize walking. He then said, you aren’t driving. I will drive you, you can sit in the back with your foot elevated, I will drop you at the door with a pillow to put on a second chair at the meeting, then I will come back and pick you up when you are done. I’m like really that’s too much, he said, I am your husband, I love you, it is my turn to take care of you. That is spousal love…
So please rethink marrying this guy. You are marrying him forever, will he really take care of you when you need it?? It’s not looking to good now and you haven’t even started the marriage…
NTA – I don’t think either of you is the AH here. You’re stressed because the card is in your name – which is valid, since the bank only sees you as responsible. Wanting some kind of agreement is about liability, not about mistrust.
From his side, though, I can see why it felt like more than “you don’t trust me.” If you’re already preparing for the worst, he may hear that as “you don’t believe we’ll last,” which hits a lot harder than just feeling doubted. He didn’t handle his reaction well, but I understand why it stung.
At the end of the day, this isn’t really about who’s right – it’s about communication. You’re looking at it as “me vs. Chase Bank,” while he’s hearing “me vs. our future.” Really, it should be both of you vs. the future and the bank. A calm conversation where you both explain how this feels might help reframe it so you’re on the same team, not opposite sides. And since your credit is stronger than his, this is a perfect chance to have a serious financial conversation – about debt, credit, goals, and money habits – so you can set yourselves up for a successful financial future together.
He’s already letting you know that he’s not trustworthy. If he had any intention of paying half of everything he’d be willing to sign the paperwork you drew up. Do you really want to marry someone that you can’t trust and who thinks you should pay for the whole wedding? This is a humongous red flag, an army of them in fact. Put off the wedding a couple of years and do some couples counseling after tiptoeing into this for quite a while then decide whether he’s trustworthy. I personally find that integrity is at the very top of my list for even being willing to date someone let alone step into a committed relationship.