I (F24) work at Publix part time to pay for grad school. Yesterday, I was called in because we were short staffed so I closed as a bagger. The closing cashier that I bagged for went to go get a snack before closing his register and asked if I wanted anything. This gesture isn’t out of the ordinary, I have offered closing baggers before if they wanted anything and people have offered to buy others candy or anything as they were closing. I accepted because I wanted a drink, it had been a long day. Since I was pleased by the nice gesture of getting my favorite drink for free I told my partner (M28) about it to which he immediately said it’s flirting. I tried to explain the situation but he insists that I’m just willing to take gifts from random guys. He says it doesn’t matter that the coworker who bought my soda water is in a relationship also that a small gesture can escalate. For more context the only things I said to the male coworker who offered me something that day was if we could switch shifts then later some brief small talk about how we need stools. I have minimal engagement with my coworkers it’s just work or small talk. It’s frustrating me because I want to validate his feelings since he’s been cheated on before but I don’t want to operate under rules made out of paranoia.
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I (F24) work at Publix part time to pay for grad school. Yesterday, I was called in because we were short staffed so I closed as a bagger. The closing cashier that I bagged for went to go get a snack before closing his register and asked if I wanted anything. This gesture isn’t out of the ordinary, I have offered closing baggers before if they wanted anything and people have offered to buy others candy or anything as they were closing. I accepted because I wanted a drink, it had been a long day. Since I was pleased by the nice gesture of getting my favorite drink for free I told my partner (M28) about it to which he immediately said it’s flirting. I tried to explain the situation but he insists that I’m just willing to take gifts from random guys. He says it doesn’t matter that the coworker who bought my soda water is in a relationship also that a small gesture can escalate. For more context the only things I said to the male coworker who offered me something that day was if we could switch shifts then later some brief small talk about how we need stools. I have minimal engagement with my coworkers it’s just work or small talk. It’s frustrating me because I want to validate his feelings since he’s been cheated on before but I don’t want to operate under rules made out of paranoia.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I accepted an offer from a male coworker to buy me snack even though I’m in a relationship. The male coworker could’ve had ulterior motives.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
What is with these kindness = flirting people??
NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend is jealous and insecure. You did nothing wrong. Interesting how he doesn’t trust your words or your choices. I wouldn’t be om with it.
NTA. He doesn’t get to control you because someone else cheated on him. He needs to deal with his own crap instead of putting it on you.
NTA but if you stay in this relationship you will be accused of cheating over and over again I can guarantee it.
“I want to validate his feelings since he’s been cheated on before”
Why should you be punished for someone else’s crime? Also, what he is saying is a FEELING and not a FACT. He needs to stop acting so emotional and understand the difference. He is not some all knowing, all wise soothsayer that can declare someone else’s intentions, nor is he your prison warden who can dictate the terms of accepting a snack if you’re hungry. He sounds like he has issues that HE needs to work on. You cannot fix his insecurities. He is responsible for his own feelings, including the residual ones from being cheated on. NTA but OP if he is going to act like this please consider whether you want some emotional dude just waiting to punish you for his ex’s slight.
NTA. Coworkers often do nice things for each other-bake cookies, grab bagels for the office, make a fuss for a birthday, etc. It’s because you spend many hours of work a week together, you may as well get along. He wasn’t flirting and even if he was, so what? Are you planning to run away with him?
NTA – it’s a drink, your partner needs to chill out. He doesn’t get to control your behavior because of his trauma. That is unhealthy… he needs to work through those feelings and not project them onto you
NTA. He is insecure. If this is because he’s been cheated on, he needs to work on that. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for something as simple as a coworker getting u a snack.
NTA, and maybe ditch this lame dude you’re with. This is getting into the territory of coercive control and only goes downhill from here.
NTA but this is a big red flag. I would stand your ground and if he doesn’t let it go you should reconsider this relationship.
Your boyfriend is punishing you for the actions of an ex. I suggest you draw a line in the sand about this now.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being a bit ridiculous and possesive. This will not ease up over time.
Tell him to stop being an insecure man because that’s what he is. So what you got a free drink, you didn’t go on a date for it, it was offered at work. And if he can’t accept that he can leave. If he can’t trust you because 9f his own issues that’s not fair and not a healthy relationship. Without trust you have nothing and if he can’t trust he shouldn’t be in a relationship untill he works on himself
NTA but your partner is showing some jealous and controlling behavior which is troublesome. If he can’t trust you to interact with your co-workers, that is a serious problem. Your coworker wasn’t a random guy, you weren’t at a bar.
It’s kind of you to want to validate your partner’s feelings but that is way over the top. It’s not good.
A man that insecure and irrational at 28 does not deserve a girlfriend. Utterly ridiculous and huge ‘this is a controlling gaslighting abuser’ of a red flag. NTA
NTA. Beware though – you are in the beginnings of a controlling relationship. His experience with cheaters should not be used against you.
Reconsider this relationship. Is this healthy? Question yourself. Have you ever cancelled on friends or pushed a friend away because of your boyfriend’s insecurities? Ever done the same with family?
NTA this is totally normal. In some jobs men and women even ride in cars alone or go to lunch to network
NTA, your boyfriend is comically insecure. That insecurity will impede his ability to maintain healthy relationships. Most importantly, you need to come to terms with the fact that you can’t help him fix it.
NTA. Your BF sounds insecure and until he works on that, you’re going to be punished for whatever happened in his past. His feelings don’t need to be validated because YOU did nothing wrong. I’d think twice if you want to remain in this relationship because this is not healthy and you’re doing yourself dirty if you keep allowing this dude to control how you interact with others.
Your bf is insecure, jealous, and controlling. He’ll escalate with you every time you have interactions with other men no matter how innocent.
NTA
If your partner got cheated on before, that’s not your fault or problem. You deserve to live your life and work a job without worrying if a simple conversation with someone is going to be psycho-analyzed by your insecure & jealous partner.
Please please do a really deep analysis into this guy and his behavior before he baby traps you. NTA
Nta- but it would be funny to see your bfs reaction next time he gets uppity like this to just offer to be a SAHGF he gets to work all the hours so that you don’t have to step on eggshells knowing who or what is inappropriate that day.
NTA. Your partner has some weird jealousy issues
NTA I’m more worried about your boyfriend’s reaction than the gift of a soda!
Red flag. He needs to get a grip. What else does he try to control or be unreasonable about? Tell him to come buy you a soda then if he has such a problem with it. If it was a female would he make such a big deal. This is a huge red flag girl. Pay attention
Insecure partners are nearly impossible to be in a stable relationship with.
His feelings. Yes we are suppose to validate that someone has certain feelings, not discount them , BUT ,in this instance, no validation because He is feeling insecure paranoid. Sorry he got cheated on ,but that doesnt mean he gets to project that insecurity ,thru that lens on every action, on to you. You did nothing nothing to deserve his reaction. Do not let the thought that “oh he might get mad, feel insecure” control you. do not let it stop you or make you rethink every gesture , interaction you have . its his problem. You can only be you. As long as you are not cheating, flirting , lying, giving him a real reason to feel , then do not play into this.
Context matters and your boyfriend is disregarding the context.
I had an ex like this. He would also show up in the middle of my shift, and harass my male coworkers “I’m ashamedcarpets boyfriend, don’t you even THINK about taking/looking at her!!” “Oh so you’re the guy effing my girlfriend on her break”
This is controlling behavior. Coworkers (especially in store setting) will show appreciation to others by offering to get them a snack or something, ESPECIALLY ig they were called in. It’s just a gesture of gratitude and respect. Nta tell him to get over himself
Find a man that trusts you enough to truly love you.
NTA. Accepting a small snack from a coworker isn’t flirting, it’s normal kindness at work. Your partner’s reaction sounds like insecurity, not something you did wrong
Your BF must be a huge macho alpha male!!!!…….who is….. insecure about a nice gesture. Wow, I guess if someone gets you a bag of chips, he’s going to think you got hypnotized or something and had to sleep with them since a nice gesture can escalate things so fast. Next thing you know, the mailman will give you letters and BOOM! You’re pregnant!
What a dope. Tell him to grow up and have trust in the relationship.
NTA
NTA it sucks he was cheated on, but that was not you, not your fault, and you have no responsibility for how he feels about it. He has deep insecurities, that’s on him to work on.
These are your partner’s issue and he needs to deal with them not project them onto you. Just because he has been cheated on before does not mean that you will cheat on him. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. Grabbing a drink or a snack, for a co-worker is such an everyday part of working life as is having a conversation. NTA.
I would be insulted if my partner thought I could be bought for a drink. Hold out for dinner next time.
NTA. He needs to understand you aren’t his ex and people do kind things for each other.
NTA. If your partner is so paranoid and insecure and has not dealt with the issues from the previous relationship that they can not cope with someone buying you a snack or beverage they are not ready to be in a new relationship. You should not be validating his feelings – he should be talking to a therapist. You are not required to allow him to set any rules for you, if he tries that is a massive red flag. Do not make your life small and restricted to appease him, you will be miserable.
NTA. Either your bf works on whatever it is that makes him paranoid or you get a different bf.
NTA. Accepting a drink is not secret code for I want to have sex with you. You did not cheat, or consent to anything beyond a refreshment offered without expectations but as gratitude for your collaboration.
Your bf needs to work on his issues. Don’t get drawn into his insecurities.
NTA any time I buy something from work I always offer to get the cashier/my coworker a drink. It’s just being nice.
NTA. It shows though that your partner is jealous and is going to give you issues anytime you interact with other men. That’s very stifling and not something I’d want in my partner
NTA. Sounds like he isn’t the most caring of people if a kind gesture immediately qualifies as flirting. If he’s incapable of comprehending doing something nice for someone you aren’t attracted to just to be a genuine human being, he’s an asshole as well as insecure.
NTA
It’s normal for your store and it doesn’t sound like this guy has given you any other reason to believe he’s flirting.
You can tell your boyfriend you understand his past has created anxiety about it happening again and you are sympathetic of that but this is a normal interaction between coworkers at your store and that’s it. You can also assure him if you had reason to believe the guy was flirting, you would have said no.
NTA sounds insecure, be leery if he’s not willing to work through this issue
NTA. Here’s the thing. It sucks for anyone who’s been cheated on. What it doesn’t do is give him license to police your interactions. He needs to get himself some therapy, not punish you.
What you described isn’t flirting it’s basic kindness for a coworker.
Watch out for other signs
NTA, but your partner sure is. Is he 17? Sounds insecure, he doesn’t trust you, he thinks you’re incapable of being able to judge when someone is flirting with you, doesn’t want you talking to any men at all ever? So he’s possessive and jealous which can lead to abuse in many forms, and is immature AF. You need to have a serious talk about your future with this partner and tell them that if this is the behavior he plans on having throughout your relationship there will be no more relationship. Hopefully you have the self confidence and self awareness to do that.
NTA and the fact that your bf suddenly jumps to flirting is a red flag. Every accusation is usually a confession
Tell your partner it makes him seem like a weak little man with a lack of trust in your character toast this way. NTA
I had a situation when I your age with a young antique dealer I befriended. We’d go around shopping the large market for his store and we’d both buy things and sometimes he bought me things. I enjoyed hanging out with him and thought I had the coolest new friend. My boyfriend informed me that I was being naive, but didn’t try to control me. I kept hanging out with him and enjoying his company…we had a lot of similar interests. But eventually he tried to kiss me. I immediately reminded him that I have a boyfriend and he sort of gave me the cold shoulder after that, which was a bummer. It was back when I was young and dumb. It doesn’t sound like your coworker has intentions like this and his behavior doesn’t seem to point to ulterior motives, But the point of my story is that even if he did…your boyfriend should trust you not to cheat on him if given the opportunity, just because someone is nice to you. My boyfriend trusted me and I didn’t cheat on him…nor did I want to…even though I really liked this other person (as a friend). Now we’ve been married for 14 years and our relationship couldnt be happier. He has female friends and I have male friends and really we’re both friends with all of them at this point and it’s wonderful. Trust is sooooo important.
Your dude is incredibly insecure. Wow.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. Tell him you are not the one who cheated on him and he needs to put a lid on his insecurities.
NTA and yikes
It shouldn’t be your goal to validate wholly invalid feelings. Truly, this an unhinged take on a common, neutral gesture. Next thing your partner will be cautioning against you taking public transportation; someone could hold the door open for you, and who knows where that will lead.